When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  I frowned. I knew all about that life. “I’m sorry you went through that.”

  “Look where it got me, darlin’. My grandfather’s heart gave out when I was ten. That basically put me on my own from there. My father got to keep the house and everything else. There wasn’t much money, but my grandfather had a decent enough life insurance policy. You’d think the smart thing would’ve been to use that money wisely.”

  “I’m going to guess your father wasted it.”

  “Yeah. He had a good five year run. And actually, it wasn’t that bad of a run for me either. He would get so drunk with his pockets full of cash that I’d steal money. I’d call up Mack and we’d hit the arcade or take a bus to another town or city and just pretend that we were different people. He lived down in the shit hole and it was pretty rough for him too. That’s what made us become friends. To him, I had it worse. To me, he had it worse. So we sort of met in the middle and just said fuck it. We forgot about all the bullshit in our lives and just hung out.”

  “Wow,” I said. “I didn’t realize all that. That’s pretty special. You two are like brothers.”

  “I’m good with best friends,” Kace said with a wink. He let out a breath. “That’s about it, darlin’. My father scrapes to get by. I think somewhere inside him there’s a good heart. He does try. He’ll give you a birthday present three months late. But he smiles when he does it, so how do you get mad at him? There are times when I think he doesn’t mean to be drunk, but then there are other times when you just…”

  “What happened today,” I said. “I saw how frustrated and hurt you were. When he was stumbling and got your shirt dirty.”

  “Yeah, that was a little uncalled for on my part.”

  “Was it?” I asked. I slid my hand across the island and touched his fingertips. “I don’t think it was.”

  “Believe me, it was. Pushing a drunk guy to the ground isn’t me being tough or smart. I could have hurt him and then ended up in another world of hell, you know?”

  “Hurt him?”

  “No offense, but my father is sort of a weak punk,” Kace said with his lip curling just a little. “And when he’s that drunk, he can't defend himself. Even with something as simple as falling to the ground, he can’t remember how to put his hands out and protect himself. Whatever. It’s over and done with. He won’t even remember it.”

  “But you will,” I said. “You remember everything, right?”

  Kace grinned. “You’re really pushing at me again, huh?”

  “Do you need to break another shutter? I’ll go and buy one.”

  “You know, sometimes I think you’re this really caring and sweet woman. Then you say stuff like that.”

  “I just keep it real,” I said with a shrug.

  I eased my fingers over his hand some more and just stayed there.

  “Yeah, you certainly keep it real, darlin’. I’ve never met anyone like you before. Getting me to open up a little here.”

  “You could keep going, I don’t mind,” I said. “I sort of like to hear about it. It eases me.”

  “Because of your life?”

  “Something like that,” I said. “I know it doesn’t mean much, but your father looked proud of you when he was talking to me about you.”

  Kace nodded. “You know, darlin’, that’s probably the worst thing about it all. He had no problem putting me in a car when he was dead drunk, unable to stay on his side of the road, leaving me with some of the scariest rides home I’d ever had. He had no problem showing up to my school, stumbling and smelling like a bottle of booze. He had no problem puking on the floor and stepping through it, leaving a trail to the couch where he’d fall asleep and puke some more. I could go on and on, Sienna, but the thing is… he never missed anything. I said the birthday cards would come late, yeah, but he at least showed up. He can tell you everything I’ve done in my life. He wasn’t exactly there, but he remembers. If that makes sense.”

  I smiled and nodded. “I get it, Kace.”

  “You think he’d ride my ass for not going to college, right? Or having a good job, or even a so-called real job. No. He appreciates what I do and brags about it. In fact, I remember a few times trying to track him down from bar to bar. I’d walk in and everyone there knew everything about me. I’d never met these guys before and they knew all about me.”

  “That’s special, right?”

  Kace took his hand away. “Is it?”

  “Well, I mean…”

  He turned around. “I don’t think it’s fucking special at all, Sienna. Everyone does. Watching the man who’s supposed to raise me slowly kill himself year after fucking year. But because he knows about me? What about what I fucking know about him?”

  I slowly stood from the barstool and walked around the island toward him. I wasn’t sure if this was him wanting to be alone or what. But I didn’t really care. He had put himself on the line for me more than once. So I could do the same now.

  Sort of.

  I touched the bare skin of his hard back, my fingers moving down tight muscles.

  “Kace, I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  “For what?” he asked.

  “For asking too many questions. For agreeing when I shouldn’t have.”

  He turned a little. “What do you mean?”

  I touched his arm. The perfect roundness of his shoulder. The definition of his bicep. The horseshoe looking knot of strength that made up his triceps. He was built so perfectly, and not done with a gym membership, spending hours there, drinking protein shakes and lifting weights for hours. This was the reward of hard work and harder labor. A man who saw something left behind with his eyes and used his strong arms and body to create something beautiful from it.

  It made my toes curl against the floor.

  “Sienna?” he asked, bringing me back from la-la-land.

  “Your father is a fucking asshole,” I said, lifting my gaze from hard muscle to a harder stare. “A total fucking asshole. For barging in like he did. For looking like a homeless slob. For embarrassing you when you were trying to show me who you are. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you. To show a little bit of a vulnerable side and then have him show up to make it worse. I can only assume that he did that kind of stuff to you all the time.”

  Kace stared. No real look on his face. Just stone. Like a beautiful statue. The only thing that happened was that his eyes moved a little.

  Reaching forward, he slipped his hand between the heavy comforter and touched me. I released my grip on it and let it fall to the floor. My breasts pressed against the t-shirt (Kace’s t-shirt) and I knew I was showing through the shirt. I couldn’t help what he did to me. That stare alone made me so uneasy that it turned me on. There was such a darkness and brooding to him, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

  His hand eased down my body until he found the bottom of the t-shirt. As he cut under the shirt and began to reverse his path, now touching my bare skin, I shivered. I reached forward and touched his sides. My thumbs touched the edges of his stomach muscles. They were as hard as they looked. Ridges of muscle that my tongue ached to taste soon.

  When his hand stopped just inches shy of the bottom of my breast, my toes curled tighter into the floor again.

  “I don’t feel like talking about this shit anymore, darlin’,” Kace said. “None of it really fucking matters.”

  “If you say so.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Nothing. If you don’t want to talk about that… what do you want to do?”

  Kace inched closer to me. His hand moved around to my back and he pulled me close to his body. I let out a yelp as I put both hands on his broad shoulders.

  “I don’t know,” he whispered. “You tell me, Sienna.”

  I felt him swelling in his pants. Another amazing benefit of him wearing nothing but pajama pants.

  I swallowed hard. “You want to know the best thing about pizza?”

  “What?”

&
nbsp; “It tastes good even if it’s cold.”

  “You seriously eat cold pizza?”

  “Why? Don’t you?”

  “I fucking love cold pizza, darlin’,” Kace said.

  “See… you get it then.”

  “Yeah, I get it.”

  The tip of his nose flirted with mine for a split second before he kissed me.

  And we were right back where it started… going to the bedroom.

  My hands pressed flat against his chest. I stared down at Kace as his hand held my chest tightly, my messy hair in my face as I was on top, but not completely in control. My hips rocked against his body as he thrust, making sure that there was nothing left of him that I couldn’t feel.

  Breathless, I lowered myself down to him, needing another kiss as though it were the only way I could actually breathe. My hands moved from his chest to the wall behind the bed. My palms against the wall, my position was a little awkward, but I got exactly what I wanted. I tasted Kace’s mouth. His hands traveled down to the small of my back. I pumped my hips harder, faster, his fingertips pressing when he wanted me to move even more.

  As we kissed, he growled, and I felt him swelling inside me. My nails scratched against his wall as I made straight lines down to the bed. This time, I curled my hands around the pillows and broke the kiss. I hovered over Kace though, not lifting up all the way. His hands came up my back, his strong fingers kneading hard into tender muscle, making me thrust forward, right where he wanted me. My chest was now in his face and he began to kiss it.

  I put my head back and groaned, my inner thighs trembling as I squeezed against him, my body shivering from its own climax that was just seconds away.

  Kace took control as he placed one hand to my lower back again and the other hand to the back of my neck. He pulled me down for a kiss that made it impossible for my body to hold back on its own pleasure any longer. The kiss lasted all of two seconds before I began to groan into his mouth as I began to come. My hips wiggled, wanting to lift up and off him for relief, but Kace wasn’t allowing that. The pressure exploded inside me and I felt like I could no longer move. But he was right there, still thrusting, keeping the speed he needed and speed I craved.

  The kiss turned sloppy, which was the perfect kiss in that moment.

  His grip became tighter on my lower back, pulling me harder against him. His hand behind my neck squeezed just a little more too. He grunted like a wild beast, vibrating my lips as he kissed me and shaking the entire bed.

  Oh, fuck…

  The words echoed in my mind as Kace reached his peak.

  He drove himself up so hard that I thought I was going to fly off him and off the bed. He held me tightly as he offered deep and thorough thrusts. The kiss grew hotter as we both throbbed with the rewards of our hard work.

  When Kace relaxed, my body rested against him. We continued to kiss, but it was an entirely different kiss though. Slow and seductive, not quite making out, but pretty damn close. I kissed him to taste everything. The tip of his tongue against my lips. Pulling away for a split second to taste his breath. Gently kissing his lips to memorize them. Even playfully biting his bottom lip to gauge his reaction. One thing I knew for sure was that Kace evoked a reaction from me that I never really knew I had.

  He went for another kiss, but I inched down. I felt his thickness touching my belly, still pulsing with his heavy heartbeat, laced with the warm evidence of what we had just done together.

  I kissed down to his chest and kept going.

  “What the fuck, darlin’?” he whispered.

  “Shhh,” I said. “I have to do something.”

  He let out a growl as I kept going down. When I reached his stomach, I paused and sighed, grinning wickedly. His stomach glistened with sweat. I couldn’t help myself. I needed to taste. I needed to lick. I needed to kiss.

  My lips pressed against his stomach and I groaned again. I slowly parted my lips and drew a line down across the hard ridges that had been flirting with my mind from the second I first saw him without a shirt. On top of that, his thickness throbbed against my chest.

  “Goddammit, Sienna,” he said. “What the hell are you trying to do to me?”

  “Nothing,” I said. I started to kiss back up his body. “I just wanted a kiss.”

  I saw him grit his teeth.

  I smirked.

  “Just wanted a kiss, huh?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Like this.”

  I kissed his lips, slow and soft. The kind of kiss that…

  I hurried to stop.

  There was a sudden explosion of flutters in my stomach.

  Oh, crap.

  Our eyes met and Kace made a quick move.

  He threw his right arm over me and rolled me to my back.

  I didn’t mind it at all. It was nice to be on my back again, letting out a long breath, smiling as he hovered over me. His eyes squinted as he shook his head.

  “What?” I asked.

  “I want to know more about you.”

  “More?”

  “Everything.”

  “Everything? How much time do you plan on spending in bed with me?”

  “Maybe two days. Maybe the rest of my life.”

  I wasn’t sure if that was meant to be romantic or if my heart was twisting up words because of the fluttering feeling in my stomach. Heat went to my cheeks as I tried to keep cool.

  “You don’t need to worry about my everything. Just worry about tonight. We have cold pizza to eat.”

  “Right. We do. What about you though? You left me hanging by my fingertips on a few things about you.”

  “Meaning?”

  “You mentioned your mother. A car accident. The night I met you…”

  “Kace. Stop.”

  “What? I’m just curious, darlin’.”

  “You also mentioned to me that someone you cared about…”

  “Yeah. I know what I said before. And you witnessed probably the second saddest part of my life today.”

  “So I have to do the same for you now? To keep up?”

  “No. I’m just curious.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I care, darlin’. That’s why. Normally right now I’d be trying to burn off some sleep to get to the morning to get out of this kind of situation.”

  “Kind of situation… meaning after having sex?”

  “Exactly.”

  “So you’re an asshole enough to let someone sleep over after having sex?”

  “Yeah. I’m not a complete monster here.”

  I pushed at his chest. “Sometimes I really hate you, Kace.”

  He moved at me again, quicker than before. He stole a kiss. “I’m getting used to this, Sienna. Us like this. Talking. Hanging out. Sharing a bed.”

  I nodded. I opened my mouth, but had no words.

  “You do whatever you have to do,” he whispered. “Just know, I care. And I want to know everything. Because that’s what people are supposed to do.”

  I had, maybe, the perfect guy in my arms. Staring at me. Asking questions about me. The guy who had saved me several times from situations that would have otherwise changed my entire life. All those times I’d spent silently screaming for someone like Kace, and here he was, with me, showing a side of himself that he probably never showed anyone else. Saying everything I needed and wanted to hear.

  There were a lot of things for me to say to him and several directions the rest of the night could go in.

  And what did I do?

  I asked a question…

  “How about some of that cold pizza?”

  I had the day off, but didn’t tell anyone. At least, anyone outside of the restaurant. I knew that Kace was working with Mack all day anyway, so I wasn’t going to bother him. Knowing him, he’d tell Mack to shove it and then waste the entire day off with me. Which was the most romantic thing that he could do for me, but I didn’t want that.

  In fact, I had only seen Kace twice since our pizza-to-bed-to-pizza-to-
bed day into night together. We talked close to everyday though. And it was always about the dumbest stuff. There was a tipped over sign on the way to work that I took a picture of and sent it to him, asking if he would be willing to clean it up. He called me one day to tell me that Mack fell off a ladder. He was okay, but it was pretty funny to see.

  The dumb stuff… it was the serious stuff though.

  We got closer and closer.

  He hadn’t brought up my past since that night we were together. Eventually I would either have to tell him or just walk away. Which seemed strange to think or say.

  Walk away.

  From what? I didn’t even know what we were. Friends? Friends with benefits? Actually together?

  The thing was… a phone call or a conversation could fix all of that. But I knew how our conversations went. The dumb stuff we talked about was merely a shield from the serious stuff waiting to burst through. As much as he didn’t want to tell me about what happened when he was younger with his friend, I didn’t want to talk about my mother or my grandmother. I knew that there would be nowhere else for me and him to go without it though.

  I went for a walk, and of all places to end up, I went inside a secondhand store. All because of Kace. He would do this kind of thing, you know? Find something that had been used and forgotten about. He’d fix it, clean it, give it a new purpose and life. There was something so beautiful in that.

  I walked the aisles, just looking at the random items. A little dish set with a little boy and girl on it. Two saucers, one cup. Pieces of wood that were carved for holidays. Christmas. Easter. Valentine’s Day. Lots of furniture. Old desks and dressers. Bed frames. Couches and chairs. A massive store with so many items.