When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  I didn’t plan on getting anything until I saw something on a shelf that made me smile. I had to buy it. It was a dollar… and the store was having a sale. So I paid seventy-five cents.

  Now, I could have waited to give this to Kace in person. A little goofy joke between us. But I ended up at his apartment by myself, knowing he wasn’t home. I wasn’t sure what we were or what we were supposed to become. I didn’t want to be his burden. For him to worry about me. Worry about my past or my present, while trying to ease his foot into my future. He met me during a bad time when I thought about doing something stupid to myself. For him to jump into that mess and show me I mattered, I would forever thank him for. The same with what happened when I went to Lexi’s.

  As I crouched and put the glass sugar dish outside his door, I frowned, knowing that he deserved more than this. I knew he’d appreciate the dumb humor in this because I made fun of him for not having a sugar dish.

  I scribbled a little note on a piece of paper and put it in the dish.

  Then I walked away.

  When I got outside, I caught myself feeling like I wanted to cry.

  Part of me wanted to give that dumb gift to him in person. To see his face. To see him smile. To hear his laugh. To have him look at me with those really? eyes of his.

  But I knew where that would go.

  We’d get serious. I’d fall in love. We’d get hurt.

  I was doing the same thing that he had done to someone else.

  Walking away now instead of walking away when it got too serious.

  Chapter Fifteen

  There’s No In Between

  Kace

  THEN

  Andy had really long blonde hair, which was probably the only thing about her that was girlish. Everything else, she was just like me. She lived right next door, across the dirty and muddy road that my Paps had made himself a long time ago. I met her one night when Dad drank too much and started breaking things. He and Paps got into an argument and Paps asked me to go to his workshop and hang out.

  I knew what that meant.

  Dad and Paps were going to yell, swing at each other, and then Paps would come out in a couple of hours and tell me it was going to be okay. He’d either offer me ice cream or we’d make popcorn and watch a scary movie. He’d fall asleep quickly and I’d get the hell scared out of me and spend the night awake, scared of every shadow and creak in the house.

  That night when I went outside, I met Andy.

  She was leaning against the large oak tree in her backyard, clicking a flashlight on and off. She told me that her parents were fighting again and she couldn’t stand it. I told her about Dad and Paps. We both nodded, knowing what it was like. The cops had been to her house as many times as mine.

  Andy was my true best friend. Yeah, Mack was cool, but he wasn’t cool like Andy. The other cool thing was her name. Andy. It was a boy’s name, which meant that when I talked about Andy around other kids, I didn’t get picked on for it. Except one time when an idiot named Adam said something about Andy being a girl. Everyone laughed. I got really mad at him for it. Then he said that I wanted to kiss Andy and touch her chest. I had no idea what that meant, but I wasn’t going to let anyone make fun of me. Or Andy. She didn’t even go to my school. She went to a special school.

  So I punched Tommy right in the nose.

  I got sent to the Principal’s office.

  I wasn’t allowed to go to school for three days.

  I told Andy what happened and she laughed.

  Then that night, we met in my backyard and she kissed my cheek. I told her to never do that again.

  She was there for me when Paps died. I hid in her room with her as the ambulance came. Then another black vehicle came and took him away. I never saw Paps again.

  Andy was there for everything with me.

  Even when she started to change like all the other girls did in school, we were still best friends. She told me one time that her stomach wasn’t feeling good and that it would be a week until she felt normal again. I hated that week. When that week was over, she told me that the same thing would happen every month. Which meant that I would have my best friend for three weeks, and then she would have a bellyache for the other week.

  I eventually learned what that actually meant.

  We hung out during that week. Andy would cry a lot. She would get mad at me for dumb things. Sometimes she would punch my arm really hard. Sometimes she would ask me to hug her so she could take a nap and feel safe.

  I liked that with her.

  Believe me, there was never any… you know… nothing happened. I had girlfriends. Andy had a couple of boyfriends. And it never bothered me. She was always and forever my best friend. I understood what happened inside her house and she understood what happened inside mine. Her parents finally got divorced. Her mom left with a guy she met at work. They moved to Texas, leaving Andy behind. Her father started to drink almost as much as my father and would bring home a lot of different women.

  I felt bad for her. Some of the women she got to know, only to have her heart broken when they left. Some of the women were really mean to her. They told her she was too fat. They told her that her belly shouldn’t be bigger than her boobs. That if she was going to be tall with small tits like her mother, then she needed to eat less to get skinny.

  One time, Andy tried to go a week without eating.

  I found her in her back yard, curled up, crying, whispering that she was hungry. So I stole money from Dad’s jeans pocket and got us a pizza. And I stole some of Dad’s beer. I Cassied her into the workshop and we sat on old chairs and ate pizza, sipped beer, and laughed together.

  After that, Andy always made sure to eat.

  Which was good.

  I told her she was fine the way she looked. She was pretty. Definitely pretty. But she was my best friend.

  Then one night, something happened that forever changed us.

  We made a promise that every Friday we would eat pizza, drink beer, and laugh. We ate more pizza than we drank beer. At the most, it was one can for each of us. The beer really didn’t taste that good. I told Andy that someday soon we’d get good beer and try that. Of course, there were bottles of booze everywhere for the taking. But we had no interest in that. We saw what those bottles did to our families. But beer didn’t seem so bad.

  Innocence. Youth. Pain. Stupidity.

  It was during one of our Friday nights when we ate until we were full and drank the can of beer each. Andy asked if we could have another can. Just one. To split. I didn’t think it was the worst idea ever. She wanted me to sit next to her, so I did. I opened the can of beer and took the first foamy sip. I gave it to her. She sipped. I reached for the beer and she quickly put the can down and grabbed my hand.

  “Andy?” I asked.

  “Come here,” she said.

  Her eyes were suddenly different. She pulled at my hand, wanting me to touch her. My heart skipped ten beats as I lost my breath. I got closer to her though, not exactly sure what was happening. It was like a voice inside my head was guiding me as our lips got closer until we finally kissed. And believe me, it wasn’t some weird and awkward kiss either. This was a real kiss.

  Andy and Kace…

  I thought about it as we kissed. We knew everything about each other. We knew all our darkest secrets. We knew our favorite things in life. Our plans to run away together seemed more and more real each day. We matched up perfectly.

  So this all made sense.

  The kiss stopped and my thoughts were washed away like a sandcastle too close to the shore.

  Andy stared at me.

  “You okay?” I asked.

  “I love you, Kace.”

  “You love me?”

  “No. I didn’t say that. Crap. I have to go.”

  She jumped up and kicked the beer can over.

  I rushed after her, grabbing her arm as she got through the workshop door.

  I spun her around and I smiled. “Andy…”
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br />   “Stop it,” she said. “I shouldn’t have done that. Or said that. I saw it in a movie. Okay? I just thought… nothing.”

  She wiggled out of my hold and ran across the yard toward her yard.

  I took a few steps and stopped. I cupped my hands over my mouth and yelled to her.

  “I love you too, Andy!”

  She didn’t respond.

  I forgot about the beer and Dad found it the next day. He took off his belt and said he was going to be beat my ass raw. Lucky for me, he got so drunk later in the day that he forgot about beating me. I think he was more pissed that I took his beer over actually drinking it. Or maybe that the beer was wasted by spilling everywhere…

  I floated through the day and waited to get home to see Andy.

  I didn’t see her.

  Three days went by.

  She never came outside. Not once.

  All because she kissed me, said she loved me, and got scared? I didn’t understand it. I wasn’t expecting her to do that and say it. But the second she did, it made sense. I felt the same way about her.

  Which meant that we both had a chance at a good life. A perfect life. Together.

  All these thoughts and feelings were new to me and I wasn’t exactly sure how to process them all as they came. But the first step was to see Andy.

  I waited every night until midnight.

  No luck.

  Then came Friday. Our normal night. I got pizza. I stole some beer from Dad.

  I waited at the workshop.

  The steaming pizza became cold. The beer cans sat there, untouched.

  I waited until about midnight and shut the door to the workshop. I didn’t give a damn if Dad found the pizza and beer. Let him beat my ass raw. Let him do whatever he wanted. My heart and head were so confused…

  “Kace?”

  I heard the soft voice echoing in the night.

  I looked around.

  “Andy?”

  “Kace…”

  Her voice cracked and trembled.

  I saw her… Andy!… in the yard.

  “I’m right here. Andy…”

  She stepped forward and I saw something different. She was hugging herself. Her hair was all messed up. There was blood on her bottom lip. Her eyes looked tired and terrified. The collar of her t-shirt was stretched so wide that her right shoulder was showing. She wasn’t wearing socks or shoes either.

  “Andy, what happened?” I asked.

  She got close enough to me and just kept walking until she bumped into me.

  I put my arms around her to hug her.

  She instantly started to cry.

  “What happened?”

  She didn’t answer me.

  I slowly took her to the workshop and got her to sit down. She was shaking. She wouldn’t look at me either. Her lips were trembling as though she were cold, but it wasn’t cold outside.

  “Do you want some pizza?” I asked.

  “No,” she said.

  “Okay. Did your father hit you?”

  She slowly looked at me and shook her head.

  “Promise?” I asked.

  “Promise,” she whispered.

  “I miss you, Andy. What happened last week…”

  “It was Mark,” she said.

  “Mark? Mark who?”

  “My dad’s friend.”

  “Mark hit you?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Wait a second…” I got closer to her. I reached to touch her shoulder. When I did, she jumped and yelled. “It’s just me.”

  “Wait,” she said, shaking. “Kace… I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. What happened?”

  She looked at me and I already knew the answer. I wasn’t sure how or why I knew, but I just knew.

  It was then that I experienced the greatest anger I’d ever felt. Nothing compared to that moment. To think that something bad had happened to Andy. Because she was mad at me or confused by what had happened. Staying home and having someone invade her privacy.

  “Is he still there?” I asked.

  “No. He left.”

  “Where’s your father?”

  “Passed out drunk. That’s how it always happens.”

  “What do you mean… always…?”

  Andy looked down. “It wasn’t the first…”

  The anger began in my soul and was now in my throat. I was ready to explode.

  I stared at Andy, wanting to cry.

  How could I not know this? How could I not see this? What if she kissed me because she wanted to see what it felt like…

  “Andy, I swear to you, I love you,” I whispered. “I’m sorry about last week.”

  She slowly reached with a shaking hand. “Just stay here, Kace. With me. I need you right now.”

  I held her hand, even though she kept her distance.

  My mind wasn’t sure what to do. Right from wrong. Good from bad. Maybe we were too fucking young for all of this. With no guidance at all.

  I finally stood up. “Andy. I want you to stay right here.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Nowhere,” I lied.

  Our eyes locked.

  “Kace…”

  “No. No. No. No fucking way, Andy. I’ll be back in a few minutes. I know where the bar is.”

  “Don’t get arrested. I need you.”

  “I won’t,” I said. “I’ll be back in a few. I’m going to make everything right. I’m going to fix this. I swear to you, Andy, nothing will happen like that ever again.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “I know. I love you, Kace.”

  “I love you, Andy,” I said.

  I stormed out of the workshop.

  The devil was in my heart and in my mind, and all I saw was the way that Andy smiled. All these feelings were new to me. They were raw. They were laced with whatever left over innocence that quickly crumbled to the ground as I ran down the streets in town, going to the bar.

  There were a few pieces of this puzzle still missing.

  I didn’t know what Mark looked like. I was way too young to even try and get into a bar. But in this town, nobody would give a damn. I would just tell whoever stopped me that I was picking up pizza. Then I would say that there was an emergency and I needed to talk to Mark.

  For all I knew, Mark could be eight-foot-tall and be four hundred pounds of muscle. I didn’t give a fuck. I was going to break his jaw. To start. Then I was going to stomp on his face and other places until he was nothing. I was going to make him cry like a baby and announce to everyone what had happened.

  Then he could rot in a jail cell…

  I heard the quick cry of a siren and looked over my shoulder.

  I was in the middle of the street with a cop car behind me.

  “Fuck,” I growled.

  I darted to the right, to the sidewalk and thought of a new plan.

  The police cruiser sped up and flew up onto the sidewalk, blocking my way.

  I was dumb enough to run right into the side of it, knocking the wind out of myself. I stumbled back as the cop got out and came right for me.

  His name was Pete. He had busted my ass and Mack’s ass plenty of times for dumb stuff.

  “What are you doing out here tonight?” he asked me.

  “I need your help,” I said, out of breath. “I have to get to the bar. Mark. That’s his name.”

  I ran toward Pete and he put a hand out. The other hand went to his gun. “Whoa, kid. You been drinking?”

  “What? No. Fuck you, man. Go and find Mark right now. Andy told me-”

  “Fuck me?” Pete called out. He started to lift his gun. “Fuck me, huh? You look drunk or high, Kace.”

  “I’m not fucking drunk. You asshole.”

  I charged forward, not sure what my plan was going to be. My brain was scrambling. All I could see was the look on Andy’s face. Knowing the truth without her saying it. Realizing that if I hadn’t acted so weird last Friday, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

 
As my mind thought all of this, Pete grabbed my arm and turned, throwing me against his police cruiser. I tried to fight back, which was stupid to do. I couldn’t calm myself though. I screamed, swung, and left Pete with no choice but to wrestle me into handcuffs. The entire night and my entire life became a blur. Pete knew that I had nobody to come and bail me out of jail if he took me there.

  He thought he was doing the right thing by taking me to the station and putting me in a holding cell by myself. To give me a chance to cool off and sober up. He was dead set on believing that I was drunk or high. I told him to test me all he wanted. I told him a hundred times that Andy was in trouble. Of course, when he called Andy’s house, her drunk father answered and told Pete that she was in bed asleep. Which made me look like a liar. A drunk liar. A stoned liar. But I knew I wasn’t lying. I begged Pete to go to my house. To check on Andy. That she was in the workshop.

  He finally agreed to do that. I wasn’t allowed to go with him, but that was okay for now. He’d check on her. She could tell him everything. Everything would be okay.

  I finally calmed myself and sat down in the holding cell. Alone. Tired. Confused. Hurt. Trying to fight back the anger. It wasn’t easy to do.

  It was maybe an hour later- maybe longer - when Pete returned. He didn’t say a word to me as he opened the cell. He wouldn’t even look at me either.

  “Did you talk to her?” I asked. “Did she tell you everything?” I barreled through the open cell. “I need a ride home, Pete. I need to get to her. She needs to know that she won’t be alone in this.”

  “Hey. Kid. Wait a second.”

  Pete reached for me, but didn’t touch me. The look on his face made my heart drop.

  “What?” I asked. “I need to get home. To Andy.”

  “Kace… I’m sorry, kid.”

  “Sorry? Sorry for what?”

  Pete rubbed his jaw. He started to blink fast.

  “What the fuck is going on?” I asked.

  Pete said two words.

  She’s gone.

  I had no fucking idea what that meant at first. And the more Pete talked, the more the anger rose up. The truth hit me and I looked around for a chair so I could either sit or throw it through a window.

  I left her. I left her alone. When she needed someone more than ever. I didn’t mean to leave her alone though. I had a plan. I had a fucking plan.