Heartwood

by J. H. Croix

  We were still incredible together in bed. It was just easy, and the chemistry took over. But it wasn’t only that. I also liked her and loved her. For a guy who never expected to find love, every time that word feathered along the edges of my thoughts, I dashed away.

  I laughed as I realized the path of my thoughts reminded me of the kitten. I still didn’t know if it was a boy or a girl. I’d taken to calling the kitten Silver. There was a bite to the cold air tonight as I climbed out of my truck. We’d had a frost more than one night, and I knew winter was waiting in the wings to chase autumn away.

  My boots crunched on the gravel as I crossed over toward the shed. I could see Silver’s eyes shining in the darkness. I approached slowly, kneeling down at a safe distance.

  “Hey there,” I murmured, holding my good hand out.

  I’d persuaded Silver to approach for a few pets, but the second I’d tried to pick the kitten up, it dashed away. I was hoping I could at least get it inside. The nights were cold and getting colder.

  Silver cautiously approached, sniffing my hand before darting away. It didn’t dart all the way out of sight, and that gave me a little hope.

  “Come on,” I said, keeping my voice low and easy.

  This time, Silver came a little closer, letting out a throaty purr when I scratched my fingers under its chin. When the kitten didn’t bolt, I moved smoothly, scooping it up in my arms. The little kitten froze, but it didn’t wiggle away, so I stood, feeling my heart pinch a little when I realized it was shivering.

  “I told you it was getting cold.” I spoke conversationally as I crossed over to the barn.

  I was surprised to find a box tucked inside the entryway downstairs. It was a delivery that I wasn’t expecting, so I didn’t know what it was. I nudged it out of the way with my boot before jogging upstairs.

  Once we were safely inside, I did a quick inspection and discovered the kitten was a girl. I carried her over to the kitchen counter. With one hand, I opened a can of kitten food and filled a small plastic container with some milk. I didn’t know if kittens actually needed milk, but she sure liked it.

  I figured that would keep her occupied while I went down and fetched the box. A minute later, I jogged back upstairs, eyeing the label on the box. It came from a major online retailer, but I still didn’t know what the hell it was. As I hoped, Silver was occupied eating.

  When I set the box down on the counter nearby, she looked over at me, but kept on eating her food. I used my keys to punch the tape open on the box. There was a card inside that said “A Gift for You”. When I opened the small card, it said, “From Jess. In case you catch the kitten.”

  I’d taken a photo of Silver hiding under the shed the other day and texted it to her, telling her I was trying to catch the kitten. I laughed to myself. “Perfect timing.”

  Jess had sent me a bag of cat food, a few toys for the kitten, along with a litter box and the litter to go in it. I lifted my phone, snapping a quick picture of the kitten and the opened box, both of which I texted to my sister, saying, “It’s a girl.”

  Seconds later, my phone rang. I tapped the speaker button and answered. “Hey there.”

  “Oh, my God! You caught her tonight!”

  “Sure did. She’s eating. Hang on, let me call you back on video.” I switched over to the video screen to return the call and angled the screen so she could see Silver.

  “Awww, she’s so cute. You’re sure she’s a she.”

  I laughed. “I think so, but let’s check again. Hang on.” I set the phone down. I took a few steps closer to Silver. She’d just finished her bowl of food. It was only a half a can, and I needed to figure out portions. I held my hand out, and she didn’t hesitate, immediately sniffing it before letting me pet her. She seemed to have decided I was safe. It was also warm in here, and I’d just fed her.

  I lifted her up and turned her over in my arms, saying to Jess, “She’s still a girl.”

  “What’re you gonna name her?”

  “I’ve been calling her Silver, and I think I’m going to keep that name.”

  “Do it. It’s perfect. Her color’s all swirly and silver.”

  “Thanks for thinking ahead. I hadn’t even thought to get a litter box.”

  I shifted Silver in my hands, and Jess gasped. “What happened to your hand?”

  I held it up. “No big deal. I cut it cleaning up some glass at work.”

  “Did you have to get stitches?”

  “Yeah, but it’ll be fine.”

  “You went by yourself to get stitches, didn’t you?”

  Rolling my eyes, I shrugged. “Why does it matter?”

  “You’re such a guy. Make sure to keep it clean.” My sister sighed. “Back to Silver, are you going to let her run loose?”

  “She’s been living outside, Jess. I don’t feel right keeping her inside all the time. I’ll keep her in tonight, but I’ll bring her downstairs tomorrow to see if she wants to go out.”

  “Something could eat her.” Jess sounded affronted by my plan.

  “True, but she’s pretty savvy. She’s been keeping herself safe all this time.”

  My sister grumbled. “Well, make sure you put food outside for her too.”

  “I will. I think she’ll come back. This is a luxury step up for her.”

  She laughed softly. “All right. Let’s be optimistic. Meanwhile, have you talked to Belle?”

  Of course, Jess would go right to the sorest possible topic.

  “No,” I said, even though I didn’t want to tell her the truth. “I tried twice to call her, and she left me a message. If I don’t hear from her by tomorrow, I’ll try again.”

  “What do you want, Ty?” Jess asked quietly.

  “I’m not sure about the baby, but I know I love Belle,” I finally said, the word feeling a little funny in my mouth even though I’d already admitted it.

  “You sure about that?”

  “Absolutely. Whatever Belle wants, I’ll support. Trust me, I’m probably gonna lose my fucking shit if she wants to have this baby. I want to be with her, so it will be trial by fire, that’s for sure.”

  31

  Belle

  Laura drummed her fingertips on the arm of her chair. She was giving me a look I had come to know well. I knew she was about to call me on my bullshit. I just wasn’t sure what bullshit was on the menu today.

  “So, you’re going back to Colebury, and you’re worried that bolting from your job and your boyfriend—” I opened my mouth to clarify, and she held a finger up. “I’m calling him your boyfriend because that’s what he is.”

  Sometimes it was uncomfortable how easily my therapist could read my mind. I’d been about to correct her that I wasn’t sure what he was to me, but I pressed my lips together and held my silence.

  “None of what you’ve done over the last few days has anything to do with you having Bipolar Disorder. You told your boss you needed a few days off. Most people who don’t expect to be pregnant tend to panic about it. Hell, even people who have kids and are open to the idea of having more might be a little startled. Cut yourself some slack. I can’t say that enough. You hold yourself to a standard no one can meet. It’s okay to be a little scared.”

  Her voice gentled as she held my gaze. I suddenly wanted to cry. So, I did. Because if you didn’t feel safe crying in front of your therapist, you might want to find a new one.

  She handed me the always conveniently placed box of tissues and let me cry for a minute. The rush of emotion passed quickly. I wiped my eyes and blew my nose. “Okay, so I’m not being stupid?” I finally asked.

  “No, not at all. It’s great to take things in stride, but some surprises are truly enormous. I’m also going to take the liberty of guessing that Ty was shocked and that’s why his response was so flat. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to have a baby, or doesn’t want to go through this process with you. But it’s big, it’s really big.”

  “I know. He’s called me twice since I left him
a message. He didn’t leave a message, so I don’t know what that means.”

  “Maybe it just means he’d like to discuss this face-to-face. Voicemails and texts suck for difficult topics. Before you go thinking he should’ve come and found you, he doesn’t know where your parents live, and it might be a little stalker-ish if he did that.”

  I laughed and blew my nose again. “Maybe so. Well, I’m going back. I have a job, and I don’t want to be a flake.”

  “You’re not a flake, Belle. Telling your boss you had a personal emergency is what responsible people do.”

  I took a shaky breath, scrambling up my nerve. “Is it a bad decision to have a baby when I know it’s possible a child of mine could inherit the genetic trait for Bipolar from me? And, what about my medication?”

  “I’ll start with your medication: talk to your doctor. There are lots of women taking medication for a variety of things that they need to adjust or manage when they’re pregnant.”

  I took a breath and nodded. “Right. I’ll talk to my doctor. I can do that.”

  “To your other concern, you could not have Bipolar Disorder and have a child that ended up with the diagnosis, just like your parents. Yes, there’s a branch on your family tree with that trait, but lots of people don’t even know things like that. They might have a relative who’s hypomanic for years and that’s all that ever happens. There might not be a genetic trait and you could have the first baby who adds the trait to the family tree. There’s always a chance. There are so many things that could happen for a child. It’s destructive to try to think like that. You’re a caring, loving human being who has already been through some shit in life, so you’re more qualified than many parents.”

  “What do you think I should do?” I swallowed through the emotion thick in my throat. I really wanted someone to tell me what to do and promise it would be the right thing to do.

  Laura’s gaze was calm and warm. “Life is hard, and I can’t make you any guarantees or promises. I also can’t tell you what to do. We’ve already covered the fact that you want this baby, so go back and talk to your man about it.”

  “Oh, now he’s my man?”

  “Yes,” she said with a sly smile. “I don’t know, obviously, but my gut tells me he wants to be with you. So, go figure it out.” She glanced at the clock above the door. “Our time’s about up.”

  I stood from my chair, smoothing my hands over my skirt. “Thanks for fitting me in. I’ll be heading back to Colebury tomorrow.”

  “Look at that, your emergency will be a total of four days. No big deal.”

  I took a shaky breath. “I know, but I left abruptly so I feel bad.”

  “There’s always the option to tell your boss what happened. I’m sure she’ll understand. Shit happens for everybody. I think we should plan on an appointment next week, okay?”

  “You were going to have to beat me away with a stick if we didn’t schedule,” I replied earnestly.

  I had texted Phoebe that I’d be back tomorrow, but I was still nervous. I recalled my therapist pointing out it was only four days. But, still. The state of panic when I left had me worried that somehow I’d screwed things up.

  Early that evening, I was in my childhood bedroom packing my single backpack when my phone chirped on the dresser. Crossing over to check on it, I saw a text from May.

  Not sure if you’re back in town yet. Did you hear about Ty getting hurt?

  Panic slammed into me. I fumbled and dropped my phone. When I tried to call May, she didn’t answer, and I swore. The doubts and uncertainty I’d been swimming in dissolved instantly. All I knew was I needed to get to Ty. I stuffed the last few things in, grabbed my backpack off the bed and ran down the stairs.

  My parents were in the living room. I must’ve looked wild when I stopped in the archway from the hall. “I have to go. Ty got hurt.”

  My mother stood. “Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know, but I’m going back to Colebury tonight.”

  They must’ve realized I wasn’t about to wait, so they hugged me goodbye and asked me to call with an update.

  Moments later, I was on the highway heading for Colebury. Only then did I call May again.

  “Is Ty okay?” I barked out as soon as she answered.

  “He cut himself cleaning up some glass at Speakeasy last night. He’s fine, but he did have to get stitches,” she said quickly.

  “How bad is it?” I pressed.

  “Not that bad, but I haven’t seen him.”

  I was sort of relieved and sort of pissed off. “Your text was vague enough to freak me right out,” I muttered. “I tried to call you right away.”

  “I saw that, but right after I texted you Alec called. Are you coming back soon?”

  “I’m on my way now, but how did you even know I was gone?”

  “Did you forget how small this town is?” she asked wryly.

  “Well, I know, but it’s only been a few days.”

  “That’s forever in this town,” she teased.

  I took a breath. “God, I hope I didn’t screw things up too badly. It was an emergency,” I offered, rather sheepishly.

  “I’m sure it’s fine. Life happens.”

  I suspected May might know what I had shared with Zara, but I had no way of knowing if she did. “I’m pregnant,” I finally offered.

  “Ah, now that’s some news,” she said, all casual like it was no big deal. “How are you handling it?”

  “It’s crazy, and my life feels like a hot mess.”

  “I wouldn’t describe your life as a hot mess. In fact, except for Ty, you’re busy with work and otherwise living a boring life.”

  “Okay, when you say it like that, sure. But I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant, and I’m pretty sure Ty wasn’t planning on me getting pregnant either. Actually, I know he wasn’t. We used condoms every time.”

  “Accidents happen and all that. What do you want to do?”

  She was so calm that it almost annoyed me. “It feels like I have to decide soon. Because I do. I would’ve liked to maybe have planned this. But I didn’t.” I swallowed. “Maybe it’s totally crazy but I want this baby, and I have no idea how Ty’s going to react to that.”

  “How did he react when you told him you were pregnant?’

  “He didn’t say much, and then I bolted.”

  “But you’re on the way back,” she said matter-of-factly.

  I sighed. “From an objective perspective, how much of a mess is my life?”

  “I understand how you’re feeling. You were kind of a hot-shot before. From the outside, you had your shit together. If there’s one thing I’ve figured out, it’s that everybody feels like a mess sometimes. All you can do is keep going. You’ve already been through something really hard, and you landed on your feet. If you want this baby, then that choice is yours to make. I don’t know what Ty thinks, obviously, but he’s a good guy. I’m guessing he’ll be there for you. What do you want with him?”

  Oh geez, May was going to make me cry. My heart felt a piercing ache. The thing was, I’d already fallen so hard for Ty, and I wanted a chance for us. I was afraid having a baby was going to blow that chance to pieces unless he wanted our baby too. I knuckled away my tears with one hand and took a shuddery breath.

  “Oh, hon,” May said warmly. “It’ll be okay. I’m pretty sure he feels the same way. I’m not sure about the baby part, but I think he’s got it bad for you.”

  “How do you know?” I croaked. I gripped the steering wheel and kept my eyes focused on the road.

  “Just a feeling. Plus, Alec thinks Ty’s in love with you.”

  “Oh, God. Is this something people are gossiping about?”

  “Not really. Okay, maybe a little,” she corrected.

  I groaned, and May laughed softly. “You’ve got this. I know you can handle it. Plus, Ty is cute, so there’s that.”

  I swiped at my tears with one hand and let out a shaky laugh. Somehow, May found the perfect bala
nce of support and lightness I needed.

  “I’m thinking your text earlier was deliberately vague.”

  May’s sly laugh had me shaking my head. “I thought you needed a nudge. I saw Ty earlier today and he looked sad. I think he misses you.”

  The drive wasn’t too long, and I aimed straight for Ty’s place.

  32

  Belle

  Ty’s truck wasn’t there when I stopped at his barn. I’d toyed with texting him to let him know I was coming, but I decided against it. I was feeling too emotional to try to find him at Speakeasy. The last thing I needed was to fall apart in front of everyone at work.

  I fished the key out of the empty flower box he’d shown me before and made my way upstairs. Once I closed the door behind me upstairs, I was startled to discover a pretty silver kitten dashing across the floor. The kitten circled my feet as I toed off my shoes and hung up my jacket. Completely charmed, I lifted the kitten into my arms a moment later.

  “Hey, you,” I murmured, savoring the sound of her rumbling purr.

  I didn’t know when Ty got this little kitten, but the fact he had her gave me a burst of optimism. If he could take care of a kitten, maybe he would want our baby.

  It wasn’t long before I saw the arc of Ty’s headlights in the windows as he parked at the end of the driveway.

  A moment later, Ty came walking upstairs. I’d stood and walked over to the kitchen counter. The door clicked shut behind him, and we stared at each other. My heart started hammering hard in my chest, and my breath seized in my lungs for a moment. I waited, expecting him to look—I didn’t know what—angry, annoyed, panicked, or something else not good.

  “Hey, Belle,” he finally said. His lips kicked up in a crooked grin, and my heart gave a little peculiar thump.

  “Hey,” I returned, my lips tugging into a smile. “I hope it’s okay I let myself in.”