Heartwood

by J. H. Croix

  “It’s fine. I’m glad you’re back,” he said quietly.

  I nodded, and I suddenly wanted to cry, not bad tears or sad tears, it was just a rush of emotion so abrupt that tears were the only thing that went with it. I managed to breathe through it and didn’t fall to pieces.

  His eyes bored into mine for a moment, the look there so intense it took my breath away.

  His gaze sobered after a moment, and the enormity of what we were facing hit me. My heartbeat stuttered and then lunged. “It’ll be okay, Belle,” he said, somehow knowing I needed to hear that specifically from him.

  The moment ended when I noticed the bandage on his hand. I set the kitten down, hurrying over to him. “May told me you cut your hand. Are you okay?”

  I reached for his hand, and he let me inspect the bandage. Not that there was much to see other than a tidy piece of gauze taped in place. When my eyes bounced up to his, he explained, “I was cleaning up glass at the bar. The stitches are the dissolvable kind. I promise I’m fine. A little ibuprofen is enough for the pain.”

  I nodded, glancing away when the kitten’s motion distracted me. “Your kitten’s really cute.”

  His chuckle spun around my heart and sent goosebumps prickling over the surface of my skin. It seemed no matter how heavy the pending topic might be, Ty could still turn me on effortlessly.

  He cast me a lopsided smile just as the little ball of silver fluff came dashing over. He leaned down in one smooth motion and scooped up the kitten. “Hey there, Silver,” he greeted the kitten conversationally. He looked to me. “She’s a girl.”

  She batted at his cheek with one of her tiny paws, and if I hadn’t already fallen in love with Ty, this would’ve sealed the deal.

  “She’s precious,” I breathed. “So, you found her?”

  “I saw her hiding under the shed the same night I last saw you. I started putting food out for her. I didn’t know it was a girl until she finally came in, but she’s decided she likes living where it’s warm.”

  My heart ached a little at the sweetness. “Gee, Ty, I didn’t take you as that much of a softie.”

  His cheeks flushed a little as he gave me a sheepish shrug. “I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t leave her out there. Winter is coming, and we’ve already had several frosts. I don’t think she could survive on her own all winter.”

  He handed her over to me, and she immediately took interest in my hair, biting at it and purring as I stroked over the top of her head. Ty couldn’t have known it, but this was the perfect distraction. Obviously, we would have that talk, but a sweet, playful kitten eased the tension clenching around my heart.

  “Do you need anything to drink?” he asked as he rounded the kitchen counter to open the refrigerator.

  “Just water.”

  In another moment, he was back at my side with two glasses of water in hand. “Let’s sit.” He gestured with his chin toward the couch.

  That tension tightened around my heart again. I felt as if I were a spool of thread wound too tightly. I took a deep breath and followed him over, holding onto the little kitten. “So, her name’s Silver?” I asked as we sat down.

  He nodded. “I started calling her that before I knew she was a girl, and it stuck.”

  “Well, she is silver,” I replied as I looked down at her and trailed my fingertips over her back.

  She wiggled out of my arms, leaping off the sofa to pounce at an imaginary spot on the floor. I took a sip of the water Ty set on the coffee table in front of me, smiling when he slipped one of those red light pens out of his pocket. Silver was enchanted instantly. He didn’t even have to pay attention. He idly shifted the pen in his hands while she chased the dot excitedly around the floor.

  I reached for my water again, this time swallowing too much at once and sputtering. I got water all over my shirt and hands. He stood and quickly strolled to the kitchen, returning with a napkin and a paper towel.

  “Sorry about that,” I said after I cleaned up my little water mess.

  “It’s just water.”

  I could hear the echo of my heart beating in my ears and my palms were cold and clammy. If I’d thought it was hard to tell him I was pregnant, it was downright terrifying to tell him I wanted to have our baby. I didn’t even know how he really felt.

  But I was me, and I still had an impulsive streak. Diving right into an uncomfortable moment fit with that. Therapy had only honed that tendency. I swallowed. “So,” I began, just as he did.

  “Look—” His word crossed over mine.

  Our words collided again. “Go ahead,” I said, just as he offered, “Go ahead.”

  A nervous laugh bubbled up. “No, you go ahead,” I insisted.

  When we paused, each of us waiting, he cleared his throat. “I’m sorry. I didn’t really know how to react when you told me. I hope you can understand I was a little shocked.”

  His gaze held mine steadily, and he looked so earnest that emotion rushed through me, and I thought I might cry. I wasn’t much of a weepy girl, but the last few days, it sure felt like I was.

  “I do understand. I was shocked too,” I offered softly.

  He cleared his throat again, resting his elbows on his knees and lacing his fingers together as he looked over at Silver. He still held the pen in one hand, idly rocking it between his fingers while she continued to pounce on the moving dot.

  I waited, because I wasn’t exactly sure how to say what I needed to say next. He lifted his head, his smoky gaze meeting mine again and somehow managing to send my belly spinning in flips and heat chasing over my skin, even though he wasn’t even trying, and I wasn’t even thinking about sex.

  I snorted.

  “What?” he prompted.

  “Nothing.” He kept waiting, so I forged ahead, “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that when you look at me…” I took a nervous breath. “Let’s just say it this way, the chemistry comes real easy with us.”

  A smile stretched slowly from one corner of his mouth to the other, sending sparks dancing through me. “That’s one way to put it. I’d say it runs hot.”

  “Well, that too.”

  We stared at each other, and it almost felt as if something bloomed in the air between us. This time, it wasn’t just chemistry. It wasn’t something that hadn’t been there before, it’s just I’d never paused long enough to let the feeling take over.

  His eyes sobered. “I’m not sure what you want, but I’m here for whatever it is,” he said quietly.

  I abruptly realized it was pretty important for me to tell him how I felt about him. I didn’t know the order of what needed to be said first, but that felt pressing.

  My heartbeat was galloping along so fast, I could hardly breathe. I abandoned the effort to convince myself I could get my nervous anxiety under control and stumbled ahead. “We haven’t really talked about what this thing between us is,” I began haltingly.

  He had glanced down at Silver who was still pouncing on the little dot on the floor, and his head whipped back in my direction. There was a flare of warmth in his eyes that gave me a little courage.

  “I love you.” The words felt strange in my mouth, but my heart thumped out a resounding beat, and it was almost a relief to say it out loud. I was still freaking terrified.

  His eyes widened slightly, but he didn’t look away. After what felt like a moment that dragged on way too long, he unlaced his fingers, reaching over and catching my hand where it rested on my thigh. His big, warm palm curled around mine, and I looked down as his thumb started to stroke along the edge of my wrist.

  “I didn’t really know what to call us, but I’m glad I’m not alone,” he said gruffly.

  I dared a look at him. I found his lips curving in a slow smile again, and my belly swooped. My heartbeat felt like hands clapping inside. I still felt like I was waiting when he began with, “You always were that girl to me, you know?”

  My throat was tight as I shook my head.

  “I couldn’t forg
et you,” he explained. “I didn’t feel like you broke my heart or anything. We were both pretty much on the same page back then. I was just looking for a good time.”

  He seemed to be waiting for me to say something, so I offered, “That’s what I was looking for then too. It was a really good time with us.”

  There was a glint in his eyes. His thumb shifted its path, distracting me and disarming me when it brushed over the sensitive skin on the inside of my wrist.

  “It still is a really good time with us,” he offered, repeating my emphasis. “So, yeah, I never forgot you. Then, our worlds collided again, or something like that.” He took a sharp breath in, almost as if he were steeling himself. “I never expected to fall for anyone, but I guess it was a foregone conclusion that I’d fall for you.” My eyes were hot with tears as emotion crested inside me. “That was a really long way of saying I love you. Again,” he added.

  “You’re not still upset with me about not telling you everything?” I didn’t want to ask, but I had to.

  He shook his head. “I was upset, but it was because I thought you didn’t trust me. You’re too important to let that stay between us. I hope—”

  “I do trust you. I let my own embarrassment get in the way, and I’m sorry. You know everything now, so…” I shrugged sheepishly, and he nodded slowly.

  The tears that had been threatening spilled over, jumping off my eyelashes onto my cheeks. Ty looked dismayed, releasing my hand and snagging the napkin that was still damp from the water I’d spilled. I grabbed it from him. “I seem to cry a lot the last few days. I suppose that’s a side effect of a surprise pregnancy.” I sniffled.

  He didn’t look comforted, his eyes searching mine. “I’m fine,” I insisted.

  Now, I was feeling foolish. Ty scooted closer on the couch, sliding his arm around my back, and I tucked my head against his shoulder. He had a great shoulder to burrow into when a person needed comfort. Specifically, me.

  “Well, we got that big thing out of the way,” he offered with a little chuckle as his fingers teased in the hair at my nape. The haphazard knot in my hair was falling loose, and he sent shivers down my spine when his fingers brushed along the sensitive skin of my neck.

  “We did.” I took a fortifying breath before peering up at him. “I want to have the baby. I know you probably don’t—”

  He shook his head sharply. “I didn’t say that.”

  Nonplussed, I stared at him.

  “Obviously, this is a surprise, as we’ve already established. I’ve had some time to think about it.” He paused, and his swallow was audible as my heart pounded a staccato rhythm in my chest. “If we’re in it together, I’d love to have a baby with you.”

  Another round of tears dove off my lashes as I blinked up at him. I still had the balled-up napkin in my hand and dabbed at my eyes quickly.

  “Are you sure?” I asked.

  Ty chuckled. “I’m only laughing because I’m nervous. Hell no, I’m not sure. There are not many things I’m sure about. Except I love you. Baby or not, I think you’re the only person I could imagine trying to do this with. Also, it’s really your call.”

  “It is?”

  He nodded. “Maybe I am a man and a little slow on the uptake sometimes, but yes. It’s your body, girl. You’re the one who’s got to make a human for nine months. And, you’ll be the feeding station afterwards. It’s also a lifetime commitment.”

  I burst out laughing, and Silver took that moment to skitter across the floor and leap wildly off my knees and back onto the floor.

  “I guess that’s one way to put it,” I finally managed when I stopped laughing, wiping tears away once more.

  “Just being honest.” He shrugged.

  I took a cleansing breath and let it out in a gust. “I guess I’d like it to be a decision we make together. If we’re going to be together, that is.”

  “Oh, we’re together,” he said firmly. “If you want this baby, even though I’m pretty sure I have no fucking clue how to be a father and my parents’ marriage is a horrible example of a relationship, I’m right there with you.”

  By luck or fate or whatever, this scary conversation turned out to be not so bad. Maybe it was because I scrambled up the nerve to tell Ty how I felt, but it helped a whole lot to know that he loved me too and that we were in this together.

  “While my parents might have a better example of a marriage than yours, I don’t know anything about being a mother.” Surprising me, my next statement stumbled out. “You should know Bipolar Disorder can run in families.”

  Ty seemed way less stressed out about this than me and actually shrugged. “And?”

  I threw my free hand up in the air. “Well, I feel like you should be informed.”

  He held my gaze quietly. “Consider me informed. I love you, and I can deal. I hear that things skated pretty out of control for you, but I love you exactly the way you are. My dad doesn’t have Bipolar Disorder, and he can be a serious asshole. Everybody’s got some shit to deal with, Belle.”

  “Maybe you should come with me to talk to my therapist about it before you decide.”

  Ty didn’t even blink. “If you want me to go with you to see your therapist, sure, but that’s not something I feel like I need to do. I love you.” He lifted one of his big hands and palmed my cheek. “Did you miss that part?”

  Then, I was crying—again—and we were kissing, only to be interrupted by Silver when she jumped on my lap and burrowed between us.

  33

  Ty

  Two weeks later

  “So, you’re going for it?”

  I looked over at Griff. I was standing in the storage room at Speakeasy, checking on our beer and liquor stock. We had a busy weekend coming up with the Colebury Beer Festival scheduled, and the weekend near Halloween had been busy so we were flying through stock. Although the events coordinator handled the catering, we always needed more alcohol because the events spilled over to the bar.

  “Going for what?” I returned.

  Griff leaned his big shoulder on the inside of the door. “Heard from Audrey that Belle is pregnant.”

  Oh, the joys of a small town. We missed that grace period of the first trimester until we told everyone. Belle told me she’d spilled the secret to Zara before she even told me. As it was, I didn’t mind all that much. There was a peculiar sense of relief to owning up that Belle was the girl for me. Mind you, I was still fucking terrified about becoming a father.

  My lips kicked up into a grin. “Yep. Kind of a surprise, but we’re going for it.”

  Griff wasn’t much on chatting. He held my gaze for a long moment and then gave a firm nod as he pushed away from the door. “Good move. If you know she’s the one, lock her down quick.”

  I burst out laughing as he winked and continued down the hallway. I was still adjusting to this rather momentous shift in my life. The best part though? Belle spending every night at my place. I told her the other day she should chat with her landlady about subletting her lease. I was impatient for her to move in. Although I knew she loved me, this weird thing had happened where I wanted all of it at once.

  “Where are we going?” Belle asked

  I caught her hand as we walked out the back at Speakeasy. “To the river.”

  “We don’t need to go to the river. That was our accidental encounter place,” she offered with a saucy grin.

  “Does that mean we can’t go anymore?”

  She shook her head quickly. “Of course not.”

  We fell quiet as we walked into the trees. Leaves crunched under our footsteps, covering the path in a thick carpet. Autumn was almost over. There was a hint of wood smoke drifting in the air from somewhere nearby, and Thanksgiving was coming up in a few weeks. Belle had asked me to go to her parents for Thanksgiving and even invited my sister and mother. She’d pointedly noted my father wasn’t invited, although she’d graciously offered to have dinner with him somewhere if I wanted.

  By the time we reached the
bench, my heart was pounding hard enough to startle me. I felt as if I were back in college practicing my skating for games. Belle sat down, immediately swinging her feet.

  “What is it?” she asked, a twitch of worry creasing her brow as she peered up at me.

  Fuck, even my hands were sweaty. I hadn’t played goalie in college for nothing. I could handle pressure, but this was a different kind of pressure.

  I decided to barrel right through it. Reaching into my pocket, I fished out the small box. With a little advice from May, I’d gone to the local crystal shop and picked up a pretty carved wooden box for the ring. She thought it was a nice touch for Belle.

  I sat down beside her and held out my hand as I flipped it open. Her eyes flew open wide and tears glittered on her cheeks in another second. She’d been more emotional since she’d been pregnant. That was definitely an interesting side effect.

  “Oh, my God, what is this?” she whispered.

  “Will you marry me?”

  I’d actually tried to think of a different way to ask this but eventually discovered there was really no other way to ask such a simple question. At least, not for me. Belle stared at me, her luminous eyes still wide. A gust of wind blew through the trees, sending a lock of her hair over her cheek. Lifting a hand, I brushed it away and trailed my thumb along her jawline.

  She took a shaky breath. “Are you sure?”

  This didn’t surprise me. I was learning Belle carried lots of doubts. She was so accustomed to always doing everything for herself that the idea someone might be there for her wasn’t something she accepted easily.

  “’Course I’m sure. I love you, and we’re having a baby, so I didn’t see any sense in waiting.”

  “What if something happens?” she asked, her voice thick with tears.

  I knew what she was asking even though she didn’t voice it specifically. We still hadn’t made it through the first trimester, and she was worried.

  “It doesn’t change the fact that I love you and can’t imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone but you. If you’re not ready—” I began.