Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  “Come on let’s go into the hotel. I’ll get us a room and we can talk in private.”

  One moment, I wept while on a busy street and then I was in the lobby of a hotel, listening to Cruz talk to the clerk and getting us a room. I wipe the tears from my face and sniff.

  “Come on, we’re in room 250.”

  I follow him to the room. I would be more comfortable sitting and talking to him in the room, than on the street. I should have suggested we take a drive, but we’ve already been in the car so much together.

  We exit the elevator and the room is right across from it. Cruz uses the key card right away.

  I chuckle. “Now that’s convenient.” I’m already feeling a little bit better, though if I keep talking about my mom that was bound to change. I kick off my shoes and settle on the California king sized bed.

  Cruz plops down on the chair, directly across from me. His hands clasped in his lap.

  I want to kiss him so badly and I need to be held. The cry had been purging but there was more where that came from inside of me. I wasn’t by any means done. “Cruz, the dysfunction that surrounds my mother is unbelievable. I lost you at a time in my life when I was just beginning to learn who I was. Then you were gone and everything just spiraled out of control. My mother and father’s arguing reached such a pinnacle that I thought I would go crazy. It didn’t seem like Macy was affected. My father adored us both.”

  Cruz sat silent and just listened.

  I stand up and walk over to the large window, the drapes were open and I put my forehead on the cool glass. I couldn’t stop the tears from welling up. This is the most honest I’d been with anyone other than myself.

  Cruz came up behind me and he pulls me into his arms, kissing the side of my neck.

  His breath rushes over my skin and I moan softly. How is it he knows just when to touch me?

  “Talk to me.” He urges, then he nips my neck and my knees buckle. He caught me and soothes, “I have you…I won’t ever let you fall.” He nips me again. “Talk, Roxie.”

  I whimper softly. “Cruz, it’s hard to think let alone talk when you’re doing that.”

  “Talk baby, I’m your safe place and I’ll just hold you.”

  I continue, “Mom and dad were having so many fights. I mean it could start over something really stupid, and then it would escalate with dad storming out of the house. It isn’t like it just started out of nowhere. I mean if I think about it, my parents always argued. It’s just how bad it got. Mom would tell me I was the reason my father was so unhappy. He didn’t want me. He’d only wanted Macy.”

  Cruz keeps rubbing his hands gently along my arms, keeping close contact with me. He is hard and pressing against my ass, so insistent. I want to feel him inside me. Turning in his arms, I wrap my arms around his neck and stand on my tiptoes, kissing him roughly.

  He pulls away swiftly holding me by my arms. “Roxie what are you doing? We’re supposed to be talking.”

  “We are Cruz. I’ve told you a lot. Right now, I want to talk with my words and with my body. Can’t I have both?”

  Cruz sighs and kisses both of my eyes.

  He’s mine from here on out…I have him. “Mom said, that daddy left because he couldn’t take the fact that his girl Macy took her life. I wasn’t supposed to be here, so I was the one who should’ve died.” More tears came but along with the tears, came a rush of peace. I need Cruz as much as I need to breathe. Undoing the buttons of his shirt, I keep on talking as I bare his skin. There were several scars marring his chest and I kiss each one.

  Cruz draws in a sharp breath. “Roxie, you are by far—the most beautiful and wonderful woman I know. You were meant to be alive you have so much to give the world.”

  “I know that. It’s just hearing it day in and day out, that you weren’t wanted. It’s the feeling of not being loved. It tends to break one down.” I push his shirt off his shoulders and it falls to the ground.

  “I want you…” he breathes out the words on a whisper.

  I can hear the sincerity and I tremble. His tone sends a thrill shooting through my body and I don’t fight it when he pulls my t-shirt up and over my head.

  Cruz tosses it to the floor.

  I’m in my bra and I don’t mind at all. I’m going for what I want…no matter what. He wants me and he’s going to get me.

  Chapter 17

  Cruz

  She’s driving me wild, with the small noises she’s making in the back of her throat. I finish taking off her clothing. Her pants, bra and panties. I toss each article to the floor. I pick her up and place her on the bed, then finish with removing my clothes.

  Kneeling between her legs, I place my hands on her thighs

  Roxie’s eyes are wide and her pearly white teeth are biting on her bottom lip…She looks so adorable. She’s nervous, but then so am I.

  “Condoms, you have some right?”

  My cock stiffens even more. Those words coming out of my girl’s mouth turn me on. Yes. I’ve already claimed her as mine. Going to keep saying it and perhaps, just perhaps—it will come true. “Damn girl, maybe you’re not as nervous as I thought you’d be.”

  “Oh, I’m very nervous, but we want each other and safety matters right?” She has this cute lopsided grin on her lips.

  Just then, all I can imagine is running my tongue across those sweet, full lips of hers. It’s as if she has the same idea because she’s leaning down and taking my lips with hers. Our tongues meet and duel. She tastes unbelievably good.

  The apprehension I’m feeling melts away. I drag her closer, so her legs wrap around my waist.

  Roxie arches back, propping herself on her hands and pushing her beautiful breasts up at me. She has the most beautiful chocolate nipples ever.

  I lean in and lave my tongue around one and then the other. She mewls. I love that sound. I love it because it’s purely her need for me, causing her to make that sound. I swirl my tongue around one peak then tug on it with my teeth. She moans and arches even more. She’s so responsive if I don’t watch out—I’ll seriously blow my load and that isn’t what I seek . I crave to be the one she wants beyond measure. I trail kisses along her body, she has a roundish scar under her right breast, and I kiss it softly. “How did you get this?”

  “Burned by a cigarette.” Roxie says, so matter-of-fact.

  She says it so softly I almost don’t hear. I look up quickly and frown. “You smoke?”

  “No. I don’t. My mother did and it—when she was going through one of her fugue states before we realized she had a problem.”

  “Oh baby, I’m so sorry.” I kiss the spot several more times, then give the other the same treatment.

  “Don’t—be. Now please, I want you so badly I ache inside.”

  I get up and pick up my pants, grabbing my wallet I take out the condom. I toss everything else down and open the little foil packet. Dropping the foil on to my clothing, I put the condom on, over the head of my cock. Awareness tingles through me, and I peer over at Roxie whose watching my every move. She licks her lips. I’m going to have permanent blue balls, if I don’t take her now.

  Roxie wriggles her finger at me.

  It’s my signal that she’s reached the point of no return as well. I slip the condom on and go to the bed in a hurry, moving between her spread thighs I press my body fully to hers and groan at the skin on skin contact. Roxie wraps her legs around me. I reach between us to grasp my hard on and as I stare into her eyes…I stroke forward.

  Dual moans, over and over again. I press my forehead to hers and I try to adjust, so I won’t come hard like some young virgin. ‘God. Oh god, oh god, ohhh— god.’ The words just repeat through my head over and over again. It seems almost like a prayer. It feels as if my heart is beating double time. It’s so good—better than I’ve ever felt before and I haven’t really started to move. I can’t imagine what it will be like once I push forward and slide out again.

  Utter bliss is the only way I can describe it. I stay
still for a moment, if I move—I’ll embarrass myself and spill fast. She’s tight and damn it all—she’s so damn hot and wet I’m almost slipping out fully. That isn’t a complaint at all, I’m in friggin paradise. I place my hands on her thighs and thrust forward, slowly at first, and then I build up until the only thing heard in the room is our moans and the sound of our bodies sliding against one another.

  ***

  Everything about this is sublime. I love his body…scars and all They’re a testament to what happened to him and they make him the man he is now. I have no doubt that each scar has been earned not only with blood, but with a lot of his sweat, and tears.

  He’s so strong and when he holds me, calmness comes over me. No other man has been able to do this to me. We were finally together the way we’d always wanted to be. I wrap my arms and legs around him, holding on tight. How could I have ever thought of just running away from him, from this? I have no clue what I’ll do about my mother, but I do know, I want to keep going and plunging into whatever this is with Cruz.

  I run my hands over his arms and his back. There are scars everywhere on his back just like his chest. I kiss his shoulder. All I can think as he thrusts into me. He’s mine all mine. I wasn’t going to give him up, if I could help it.

  I’m aching, he feels so good to me. I’m close to flying. This is my man and no matter how messed up we both are it’s a beautiful, sexy mess and it’s all ours. The pleasure builds and builds and I let go, I cry out. I know I’m not making any sense. Then, I feel him tense up.

  He says my name in that perfect way of his. “Roxie, Roxie, Oh fucking hell, Roxie!”

  “Cruz!” I shatter as bright stars shine behind my eyes. This is what they call the little death? I would die repeatedly in his arms if that’s the case.

  He falls against me and we’re both huffing and puffing as if we’d run a marathon—a marathon done horizontally and naked. His body is heavy and I welcome the heaviness. I close my eyes to the sound of his breathing. I could stay right here—forever.

  ***

  If this isn’t perfection I didn’t know what was. I lay with her in my arms now under the covers. We’ve cleaned up, then gotten comfy in the bed. No words needed. I’d fallen asleep for a while which in itself is amazing. Sleep? What’s that other than something that eludes me daily?

  Roxie stirs as she lay against me.

  I gaze down at her to find her big brown eyes wide open.

  “Mmm…sleep well?”

  “Oh, yes. I didn’t realize I was so tired until I just woke up.” She giggled.

  “Right and you snored.”

  “I did not!” She gasps and slaps my arm playfully.

  “You did…really big snores too.”

  She laughs. “You take that back, Cruz.”

  “Okay, just little baby snores. You happy now?” I tease her. It feels nice not to be so serious.

  “No.” She laughs again.

  “I think you’re all sorts of happy.” I kiss her lips and put my head on her breasts. Just to lie there and listen to her heartbeat. It’s a nice steady rhythm and I want to hold on to her—keep her with me no matter what ugliness arises.

  Chapter 18

  Roxie

  4 months later

  It’s now the end of the semester. I’ve taken my finals and Cruz and I have been seeing each other on the daily. I haven’t told my mother and to keep questions at bay, Cruz moved into the hotel where we first we had sex…Sex…A hot, sweaty and sinfully good kind of sex. I want to call it making love. It seems like a scary thing to me though, maybe if I put it in such a category, he was liable to leave. When you love someone with all your heart, they usually end up hurting you. I want to believe differently about Cruz. I guess I would see.

  Per our usual, I sat in Starbucks, having a Chai Tea Latte, waiting for Cruz to meet me. It’s sad how it’s the Starbucks in the next town. I’ve been telling my mom and Kathy that I was doing some extra studying for finals. Yeah, I’m a coward. I should just tell them I’m seeing Cruz and it how it has nothing at all to do with them and it never would. I just didn’t want the drama it would bring.

  Cruz on the other hand, wants to just deal with it. I don’t blame him. We were sneaking around as if we were married and cheating on spouses. I told him eventually, we would. I need time to get to know him without the interference of my mother. I sigh. “Why does everything have to be so complicated?”

  “It doesn’t have to be.”

  Cruz.

  I paste a smile on my face.

  Cruz leans over and kisses me softly, settling down with his Earl Grey tea and a chocolate croissant for us both.

  “Thanks,” I say and I reach for the decadent delight.

  “You’re welcome baby.” He says and settles across from me. “Now what’s the serious far off look about?”

  I can’t lie to him. “The usual. I’m worried about my mother and everything else in general.”

  “You know we can take care of that by just telling her. I mean she’s against it and we know that, so it’s not like it’ll be a shock that we can’t deal with.”

  I huff. Then, I do something that I’m good at doing lately. I change the subject. “Did you get that magazine article finished?”

  Cruz gives me a look that lets me know he knows what I’m doing. Thankfully, he goes along with it. “It’s done and sent to the editor.”

  I nod my head.

  He reaches over and takes one of my hands in his. He kisses the back of my hand and I melt.

  I say something that even I didn’t expect, “Will you go with me to the cemetery? I want to put flowers on Macy’s gravesite and make sure it’s cleaned up.” I went every year on the anniversary of her death. I think it’s just me, trying to find some sort of closure. I think though it wouldn’t come until I read her journal. I still feel too scared. I know it would be a graduation of sorts. I keep carrying it with me now, just in case the time came when I needed to read it.

  He doesn’t say anything at first.

  I intend to say it’s okay…He didn’t have to go.

  His next words stop me. “I hate cemeteries.”

  I raise a brow and cross my arms over my chest, pursing my lips.

  He holds up his hands and has this cute little grin on his face. “I hate cemeteries, but I’ll go with you. I know how much it means to you.”

  He is a keeper. I know why he doesn’t like cemeteries. Too many of his buddies had been lost in the war and he’d gained a healthy revulsion to going. “Thank you Cruz. I think part of my issues stem from not knowing why Macy killed herself.” I say this part softly and slowly. I’m superstitious enough to worry if I say it out loud—something bad will happen.

  “Maybe you should go ahead and read that diary you said she left.”

  I told him about it a few days ago. The closer it gets to the anniversary of my sister’s death…the more shut off I become. I didn’t want him to think it was him making me act any certain kind of way. “I’m sure you’re right.” I sigh and pick up my drink, taking a sip. “I’m scared though.”

  “Scared of what you might find?”

  “Yes—very scared. I mean there could be some dark shit in those pages. She killed herself; she obviously couldn’t deal with it. Maybe I won’t be able to either and that worries me.”

  “Baby, you’re twenty-five years old and taking care of a mother who still treats you like shit after all these years. You say she’s getting sicker every day?”

  I nod. “The doctors are saying she’s getting worse and going downhill quickly. It could be any day now that I lose her.” As I sat there telling Cruz this, I tried to bring up sadness for her. I didn’t feel it. I do think because of all the years of abuse from her, she’s killed any of the love I once felt for her. That alone, makes me want to run as far away as I possibly can. How can I profess to be a loving person and not be able to love my mother?

  My cell rings and I glance down at it, fighting the urge to say,
speak of the devil. It’s Kathy and I’m sure there’s something she needs to tell me about my mom. “Hello?”

  “Roxanne, this is Kathy.”

  Ugh…as if I didn’t know this because of the fact that she’s in my contacts. I didn’t say that to her though. I’m feeling bitchy. I just need to make sure I don’t show it. “Hi Kathy, is everything okay?”

  “Your mother asked me to call to see when you’d be home.”

  My hand clenches the phone and I count to ten before speaking. “I need time away Kathy. I’ll be home when I get home. I already told you two, that I’ll be spending the night with…Candy.”

  “Your mother is here fighting for her life and all you can think about is you?” Kathy totally ignored what I said and went into her usual tirade. She is seriously, my mother’s minion.

  “Okay, I’m going to hang up Kathy, before either of us says something that we shouldn’t. I’ll be home later.” I disconnect and put the cell on the table, closing my eyes I try to block the headache that’s coming.

  “Let me guess…They’re trying to pressure you like they always do, to come home.”

  It wasn’t really a question. Since the sneaking around, he’d noticed their antics.

  “Yes.” Is all I say. What else is there to say? He’s going to tell me that if we tell them about us, they would stop. No—they won’t. They would find some way to tear us apart.

  “You already know what I want to happen.” Cruz is fingering his dog tags.

  I can’t meet his eyes. “Cruz, please. I’ve asked for some time. I need you to give that to me.”

  “Right, and I agreed to give you some time, but it’s been four months. We’re still in that same holding pattern.”

  God, I can hear the frustration in his voice. This is so hard for me. Call me stubborn, but I just don’t want my mother taking this from me too. Whenever some kind of happiness happens for me…my mother becomes like a plague. She consumes my happiness and spits it out, then it’s this twisted dead thing, lying at my feet. God, I’m so dramatic. Rolling my eyes at the phone, I gaze up at Cruz. “Four months of not worried that my mother will destroy us.”