Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  “We’re grownups. We can live through whatever garbage your mom decides to dish out. I need you in my life fully. We still have issues we need to settle but this one can be settled, leaving us time to work on everything else.”

  I put down the pastry. I did want to eat it before but with this kind of talk going on—all I want to do was curl up into a tight ball on my bed and forget how a certain woman still has the power to make me act like a baby. Damn. “She’s a poison Cruz. I’ll make a deal with you. Let me have my time at Macy’s grave—and then we will go and speak to her.” It sounds like a perfect solution to me. I get time to figure out what I will say. I get to go to Macy’s grave and make peace. Then, maybe stall for a little bit more time, so I can keep my man.

  “Cool.” He finishes off his pastry and then took a quick drink from his coffee.

  He’s upset, I could tell. “Cruz—I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Part of me understands, the other part of me is just struggling with it, because I don’t like that we’re hiding our relationship.”

  “My mother doesn’t want me to rent a room to you, let alone to see you”

  “What can she do to me?

  “Nothing at all.” I want to say, but…and it seems to be left hanging in the air

  Cruz grimaced. “But…?”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “Please tell me, you wouldn’t listen to her saying we aren’t supposed to be together!” He stands up so rapidly that his chair scrapes the floor and several pairs of eyes pin us with their stares.

  “Cruz, please sit back down,” I plead with him. My reticence is hurting him I can see it clearly.

  He clenches and unclenches his hands, and then sits back down. “I need to hear you tell me that you’re not going to let your mother fuck us up.”

  I can see that she’s already fucking us up. We were starting to argue about this, instead of being a united front. “I…” I swallow hard to push the words out, but I can’t. I watch him toss his napkin down and take another sip of coffee. The poison of my mother has already started. The infection would take over every part of my life.

  Chapter 19

  Cruz

  I close my eyes and shake my head. This isn’t good. “Don’t.” I say and stop her. “Let’s just finish this and get out of here.” I don’t want her to finish. If she does, it may be her telling me she doesn’t want to do this any longer. I keep pushing her and for what? This isn’t the first time we’ve had this sort of conversation. Some things are so deep…you can’t get out from under them.

  “Cruz you’re angry. I don’t want to end a conversation with you upset.”

  “There’s a lot of things we don’t want Roxie. I don’t want to continue to hide, you want to.”

  “I understand that you’re upset. I said I’d tell her. I just need a bit more time to do so. Please? That’s all I’m asking and I will talk with her.”

  I battle within myself whether I want to do this. I want her, I need her and I love her. Is that reason enough to torture us both? “So, you’re asking for two more weeks of hiding and then it will be over?” The date for her sister’s death was coming up in two weeks. Could I honestly last two more weeks?

  She looks so scared and so down.

  Yes, I could make more time. Two more weeks is nothing. Two more weeks to be with her this way, and then the rest of our lives to be together without fear of reprisal. I’m convinced once she gets her mother out of her head, she’ll blossom and perhaps, she’ll opt for the things in this life that she really cares about.

  “Yes.”

  During this entire discussion, I hear the shakiness in her voice. I stand and reach for her hand. Her expression melts all the icy anger I’d been experiencing. I couldn’t stay angry with her for long. I’ve dealt with worse while in the military. I could take a little bit more of this. I could. “Come on, let’s get out of here. How about we go check out a movie or something?” I want to see her smile again. My baby, the true reason I came back to town. I have no family here anymore, so there wasn’t really any other reason for me to even be here. The only reason is Roxanne.

  Roxie pulls out her cell again to look up movies. “The only thing that looks halfway decent is a scary movie. You know how I act at those. It starts in thirty minutes. We can make it if we leave now.”

  I wiggle my brows at her and give her what I hope is a wicked smile. “Oh yeah, it’s what I’m hoping for. I suspect that afterwards, you’ll be all over me and later, needing me to cuddle and tuck you in.”

  “Suspect?” She burst out laughing. “More like it is a given.”

  “True that. There’s the smile I adore.”

  Roxie takes my hand and we walk out, throwing or empties in the trash. We came in separate cars, so I give her a quick kiss before she strolls over to her car.

  She looks at me over the roof of her car. “We’re heading to the theater on Vine and Columbia.”

  “That’s a great theater. The seats are big enough, so we’ll almost be sitting together.”

  “Okay, see you there babe.” She giggles again. “You do know that I’m going to be sleeping with you at your room tonight—right?”

  “Oh, I am so counting on it.” She gets in and I head to my car. This will be fun. Maybe just maybe…I can relax and see her side a little bit better. I hate to fight with her just as much as she hates fighting with me. We can work this out. We had to. My dreams have even lessened since coming back to town and being with her. Soon, I think they’ll be gone fully. No doubt, I would probably always need some counseling, but who in this day and age didn’t?

  Yeah, two more weeks, I can deal with two more weeks. This would be cake. Right?

  I head into traffic, so I can meet my baby at the movies. It’s a pretty evening and cloudless, so all the stars are shining bright. I glance in my rearview mirror before making a safe lane change. Traffic is light, so I would be at the theater in no time.

  ***

  I think I’m losing him. I know he agreed to give me time but I saw the pain in his eyes. One thing my mom loved to say to me is that sooner or later…everyone gets tired of me and doesn’t want me in their lives. Is that what will happen with Cruz?

  I glance in my rearview mirror and I see him a few cars back. It makes me laugh. Cruz drives like a speed demon sometimes. I left before he did and yet, he caught up with me. It’s going to be fun to go to the movies with him and tonight, I would spend the night as we’d planned. No matter what plans Kathy and my mother had—I wasn’t going to allow them to ruin tonight for me.

  I arrive at the theater and find a spot in the back to wait patiently for Cruz. He isn’t far behind. Soon, I see him find a space and then get out. He walks towards me and I can’t help as always to notice his walk.

  He’s so confident, with so much machismo.

  “Mmm…come here boy,” I say to him.

  He inches in close and tugs me forward.

  We kiss and as always, it’s perfection.

  It feels right, so it must be right, right? Man, I swear I seem like an addict around him. Never enough, never ever enough. I’m so addicted…I need my Cruz Montoya fix every day.

  “Come on; let’s get to the theater, so we can load up on buttered popcorn, Red Vines and M&M’s with a large soda.”

  I laugh. He’s teasing me so everything has to be okay. “Don’t even act as if that’s just for me.” I say to him with my hands on my hips.

  “You know it is.” He smirks.

  I slap his arm and he wraps his free arm around my waist, then we fall into the same rhythmic walk together. Once again, I’m hit with the sensation that together we can do this. Nothing is going to stop us from being together and making it work. His touch just does it for me. He can make me forget so easily. All I want to do is drown in him. Is that too much to ask? I don’t understand why my mother dislikes him so much. The more I think on it though, I don’t really think it has anything to do with Cruz. My mother has hated me s
ince the day I was born. She didn’t want me happy. Anything that made me happy should be taken away.

  Walking up to the window at the box office, I wait while he gets our tickets. I’m excited and I clap my hands as he heads back to me and we go inside to the concession stand. I swear this is always my favorite part. The candy, the drinks, and man even the hotdogs are delicious to me. I’m such a junk food junky.

  Arms loaded with our booty, we head for our seats. This is one of the older theaters that only have the one movie playing. I don’t mind it at all, it’s less crowded and I wonder how long it will last because of competition with the bigger theaters. There are some others inside, but it’s really intimate.

  Cruz walks all the way up to the top and he waits for me to pass him and settle where I want to, then sits next to me.

  I reach into my purse and turn off my cell, shutting out the rest of the world. It’s only me and Cruz in this theater. Yeah, I’m silly, I’m blocking out the others as if they don’t exist. I dream of faraway places with him—anywhere that’s not here. I’ve been in this town way too long and never anywhere else.

  Cruz always talks about the places he’s been because of the military.

  One place I’d love to go would be Hawaii. I set my purse down and snuggle close to my man. I’m putting my mother and Kathy out of my mind. He passes me a Red Vine and all is right in my world. Our world.

  Chapter 20

  Roxie

  11:05 p.m.

  I snuggle close to Cruz, my head on his bare chest in the bed and we’re watching TV or at least playing at watching TV. His hands are stroking lightly all down my naked back to my butt. He’s told me he loves my butt. The apple bottom shape, making he him crazy he said, when he sees it or touches it. I always laugh at that but I’m secretly pleased that he likes my full figure.

  The movie had been as terrifying as I thought and yeah, I wouldn’t be going to sleep for a while. That’s okay though, the longer I stay awake the more I could hold him close. We’ve had sex already once, but Cruz wasn’t a man who only lasted one time. I’m expecting that any time soon, he’ll want to get the pleasure party started again.

  “Mmm…” I couldn’t stop the small moan from escaping. Cruz is seriously turning me on with his touch.

  “I thought you said you were tired?”

  “How the heck do you expect me to sleep when you’re touching me like that? Besides, that movie scared the bejeezus out of me.”

  “So, what you’re telling me is that scary movies make you horny.”

  I can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. “Now, you know I’m not even saying that at all.”

  Cruz pinches my ass.

  I screech and slap his hand away from the tender spot.

  “Anything I can do to make you relaxed fall asleep?”

  I snicker. “As if you didn’t have something in mind to get me relaxed as you call it.”

  “Well, I think a little massage may get you all tired out enough to sleep.” He tangles his fingers in my hair.

  I snuggle even closer to him. This is the life. “I think you want to do more than just massage me.”

  Cruz kisses the top of my head.

  In response, I kiss his chest. I hear the sharp intake of his breath.

  He loves it when I kiss his chest.

  I bring myself up to look directly into his eyes and cover his body with mine. He’s hard and all muscle. Damn, I love how in shape he is. Our lips are so close to each other’s and a kiss is imminent until the shrill sound of the hotel phone breaks through with ear piercing clarity. I roll off him with a huff.

  He sits up and gets it.

  My hand is flung over my eyes as I wait. Who the heck is calling him at this late hour?

  “It’s for you.”

  I sit up quickly. “For me? What—who?”

  “It’s Candy.” He hands me the phone and gets up, heading to the bathroom.

  Setting the phone to my ear, I speak, “Candy? Why are you calling me so late? Something happen at the motel?”

  “No girl, your mother’s nurse has been blowing up my phone nonstop.” Candy sounds flustered and a bit miffed.

  “Why, what’s happened?”

  “The nurse said that your mother fell out of bed and has been taken to the hospital. Girl, you have me lying to your mother. When are you going to just come clean? This is getting to be a bit too much for me and I don’t know how much more of it I can stand.”

  Candy’s words sink in and I close my eyes, shutting out the light. Oh, God. I shake my head to collect my thoughts. How come I didn’t get a call? My eyes snap open and I reach for my purse which is next to the phone on the nightstand. I grab my cell phone and I realize I never took it off silent. There were several missed calls from Kathy and I do mean several. They really had blown up my cell with calls. I return to the call. “I’m so sorry Candy. I appreciate what you’ve done for me and I know it’s a strain. Did she say anything else?”

  “No, that was it, other than you need to get there as soon as possible. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to fuss, but shit if they don’t know how to drive someone crazy! You and I need to talk.”

  I so understood where she was coming from. My mind is scrambling trying to come up with a solution. “Okay, thanks for everything Candy. We’ll talk, I promise.” I hang up the phone, then sit there on the bed and exhale.

  I hear Cruz return from the bathroom. The bed dips as he sits next to me. I can see the questions in his eyes.

  “You have to go.” It wasn’t a question.

  I nod, getting up and going to the closet to find something to wear. I don’t feel any urgency and that makes me think I’m a bad person. I should be rushing, running around and screaming. I can’t muster that at all. What keeps running through my head is what if this is a ploy by my mother? Then just as quickly, I worry that maybe it isn’t a ploy and she really is hurt?

  Cruz comes up behind me and places his hands on my waist, turning me in his arms.

  I place my arms around his neck and I steel myself against the tears. She doesn’t deserve them, she never has but I always find myself doing it. What the hell? Why is she so wrapped around my psyche?

  “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  “Mom fell and is in the hospital.”

  “Let me drive you over there.”

  I want to tell him yes, but I’m not ready for that. I mean we just had that conversation earlier. What would the difference be now? I turn in his arms, put my hands on his chest and look up into his eyes. “You promised me some time and I’d like to take that time.”

  “I don’t have to go in. I want to be your support system.”

  I’m struggling within myself. I want him to come—in fact, I need him to come with me. The other side of that coin is my mother and Kathy. My mother has had such a hold on my life—since forever. I need to be free, yet here I am holding onto them like a security blanket. I only have a few seconds to make a decision. I can see it in his eyes. “Take me there.” I say even as my stomach clenches with worry. It would be just my luck if Kathy follows me out when I need him to come and pick me up.

  Then, he kisses my neck. “Thanks babe.”

  I forget all about the queasiness. “Mm-hmm, now let me get dressed please. A little clothing won’t harm you either.” I say this with a small smirk on my lips.

  He kisses my bare shoulder, then moves away to the small dresser that held his clothing.

  As soon as he moves away, I start to feel sick to my stomach again. I need to calm myself. I grab my clothes and rush into the bathroom, closing the door behind me. Tossing the clothes on the counter, I run water and then kneel in front of the toilet to empty my stomach. I don’t want him to hear me throwing up. Then, the questions would start again and that’s something I can’t handle right now. How can I tell the man I love—yeah I love him—that I’m so scared about a confrontation, I’ve made myself sick to my stomach?

  Hugging the toilet like a frat boy isn’t my hig
hest point. I need to get control of myself. It could always be worse. They don’t know about him...They don’t. Now, on to convincing myself that everything is going to be okay and I can have it all.

  Chapter 21

  Cruz

  12:00 a.m.

  She’s holding back on me. It has everything to do with her mother and Kathy the nurse. It is puzzling to me, because I’m still not sure of the connection between Kathy and Roxie’s mother. I’m going to make a note to myself to check that line of thought out. Determination fills me with the need to break through to Roxie.

  To have her realize how what we have is more important than holding onto the past. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the last few months while dealing with the odd look or two…Is that the past is the past and it has to stay that way. Sure, I need to learn from it, but dwelling on the past, digs us in deeper and makes it harder for change.

  I’m changing day by day. My psychiatrist is actually pleased with my progress. I want to move forward with Roxie. We’re meant to be and I believe that more with each passing day. The thing is, she needs to believe or we won’t work. I can tell she cares about me a great deal. At times, when I’m brave enough, I can see the love that shines in her eyes when she thinks I’m not looking.

  I pull up to the hospital on the emergency room side; it’s the only way she can go in there at this time of night. She leans over and kisses me but before she runs off, I say something, “You’re going to call me when you’re done right?”

  She’s about to get out and her shoulders sag. “Yeah, I’ll call you Cruz. Although, I will probably see if Candy can just get me.”

  “Seriously?” I can’t help but inject the anger I’m feeling.

  Roxie lowers her eyes and gives me that telltale sign of apprehension by biting at her bottom lip.

  It’s a crossroad and I don’t think we’re ever going to get past it. I decide to let her off the hook. “Go see your mom. Just text me at least and let me know what’s up please? And if you need a ride, let me know that too. Can you do those two things for me?”