Swagger (Radioactive Tales of Love)

by Nikki Prince

  She leans back in and gives me a quick kiss. “Yes, I’ll let you know how she is through a text and I will even let you know if I need a ride.”

  I nod. “Thanks, that’s all I want.”

  “You mean it’s all you want for right this second.” She has a big grin on her face.

  I can see she’s teasing me. “You got it. Now go and see your mom. I’m going to head back to the room and get some writing done. I can’t sleep, so I’ll be up I’m sure.”

  “Cruz?”

  “Yeah Rox?”

  “I think I’m falling in love with you.” She pushes away from the car and heads in through the sliding doors.

  She just went and left me in shock. How in the hell can you say that to someone and leave? Our life is in such turmoil and she’s going to tell me she loves me? When she can’t even choose between me and her mother? Fuck me! I can’t think. I need to exercise. I have to, ‘cause she’s backed me into a corner and I don’t know how to get out of it.

  God, a drink sounds so good right now. I need to be numb. This is a time of celebration, yet it doesn’t come close to feeling like one. She’s falling for me and that’s a good thing, but we aren’t truly in a good place. I leave the parking lot and head for a dive called Jimbo’s. I know it’s the worst place to be, but I need to find my center again.

  It takes less then fifteen minutes to get there. I park and head up the walkway to the small dive. The little brick building is still alive with patrons. You can hear them as you walk up, all of them trying to outtalk the music.

  My inner demons are clamoring to get out. This craziness really needs to end. I shouldn’t go in there but I do. Murphy the bartender waves and I wave back as I settle in the back of the room. The bar is filled with the stench of cigarettes, booze and fast women. Roxie what have you done to us? You love me—yet you can’t choose. A choice has to be made. Life is always full of choices.

  “Heya handsome, long time no see. What can I get you to drink?” Brittany, platinum blonde hair, pale makeup and red lips. She’s been a waitress here forever and I mean forever.

  Back when I was sneaking into the bar with a fake ID. She’d known then, but she always let me come in and sit. Old habits die hard. I shouldn’t be here. I should go but I keep my butt planted in the seat. “I’d like a shot of Bourbon please, Brit.”

  “Coming right up, Cruz.” She gives me a look and heads to the bar. Brittany knew my history.

  Drinking wasn’t what I should be doing. I’m sure I’d get an earful when she got back. I lean back in my seat and close my eyes. I drift to sleep for a brief hot second and awaken when Brittany brings my drink.

  She sets it down so hard it almost sounds like a gun shot.

  I narrow my eyes on her. “Thanks Brit.”

  Here it comes.

  “You should go home Cruz.”

  “I should do a lot of things Brittany, but going home isn’t one of them.”

  She is right on point and I realize it, I just didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. I cup the Bourbon shot in my hands and stare at the amber colored liquid.

  “That’ll be eleven dollars, handsome.”

  I reach into my wallet and pull out the appropriate amount with a tip for her. I then stare back down at the drink. My mouth is watering and I’m mesmerized by it. God, I need to leave. I swallow hard. I can taste it even though it’s been a long time since I’ve drank. Bourbon was my addiction of choice. I lick the sweat that appears above my top lip.

  Brittany is still hovering and she tries one more time, “You sure I can’t interest you in some water or something Cruz?”

  I shake my head. “No, I don’t think so. I’m okay I can handle this.” I need to struggle through this by myself. “Maybe one sip will be okay.”

  “You know your dad used to say that.” Then…Brittany saunters away.

  Brittany’s words pierce through me and all I can do is watch her leave. I stood up, almost knocking over my table with how fast I did it. I pick up the glass and walk toward a table, where an old timer is drinking.

  I drop it in front of him and head out. I can’t do this. I’ve come so far and I wasn’t going to slip back. I need to be strong. Even if Roxie chose her mother over me, I had to be strong enough to break this fucking cycle. One way to break it, would be to never step foot in this bar again, starting tonight.

  Brittany grins and waves at me.

  I wave back and give her a nod. This would be the last time I would ever see her, unless it was somewhere on the street.

  When I pass by her, I give her words that ring true for me, “Consider this handled.”

  “That’s right handsome, that’s right.” Brittany chuckles.

  I leave Jimbo’s and get in my car. It seems like a cool night which I did want. The cold seeps through to my bones—a testimony to being alive. I battled one demon tonight and won. Now, time to kick the other demons in my world’s asses.

  Chapter 22

  Roxie

  Why did I just tell him like that? I’m so ridiculously screwed up. When you tell someone you love them, it should be at a better time. God. I’m sitting next to my mother’s bed, waiting for her to wake up and dreading for her to do just that.

  Kathy already berated me and lies curled up on a cot in the corner, sleeping like a baby.

  I sit in a chair in the corner of the stark white hospital room, shivering from how cold they kept it in here. A nurse said she would bring a blanket for me as soon as she could but that it was busy, it might take a while. I wasn’t going to hold my breath. The hospital seems doubly busy tonight.

  Mom’s leg is up in traction and they said the shock of it had her talking crazy. I informed them that she has dementia. Her normal doctor wasn’t available. I feel relieved she’d been given some sleeping medication before I arrived. I sure as hell wasn’t looking forward to hearing her bitch at me. Believe me, Kathy fussed enough already.

  I couldn’t sleep. I’m too antsy. I’m worried about Cruz, the basic ultimatum and I know something is going to give and soon. So, I do the next thing I could think of. Reaching into my purse, I pull out Macy’s diary. It’s old and tattered. Her favorite color had been green and this little book was a bright splash of green.

  I realize my hands are shaking. This will be the first time I read it. All I can think of is—whatever might be in it, would perhaps free me. I gaze up at the ceiling for a minute and open the diary before I change my mind. My vision is blurry when I finally do look at the page. Tears already and I haven’t even read it yet. I wipe them away and read…

  Dear Diary,

  It’s another day where I have to worry about being touched. Daddy isn’t home but mom and her friend Kathy are. Aunt Kathy as Roxanne and I’ve been told to call her. She’s not a true aunt. What she is.. is mom’s lover. I caught them having sex and was told to keep quiet or else. Dad doesn’t even know. At least I don’t think he does. Ro is clueless. I’m going to protect her as much as I can, so that she’s stays that way. I’m the big sis, protecting her is my job. Till tomorrow.

  Mace

  I slowly close the diary while sniffling back tears. How could I have been so blind and not known my mother and Kathy were more than just friends? Macy had done a great job in protecting me from it. What else had she sheltered me from? I glance quickly at Kathy as I hear a large snore.

  Kathy shifts her body but she doesn’t get up.

  I’m going in for more. Opening the diary, I flip through to read another entry…

  Dear Diary,

  We’re old friends, so I can tell you this and you’ll keep my secret. Kathy has started to come on to me. I was in the kitchen and she backed me up against the counter and pressed her body to mine. She didn’t do anything but that, but her words scare me. Telling me, that I’m beautiful and that she wants me. I tried to play it off and joke with her. She laughed but she said she was going to have me one way or the other. No matter what I do, she’s always a step ahead. Mom thinks it
’s great that Kathy spends time with me.

  Macy

  My mind is racing. Macy insinuates that Kathy started to bother her sexually. Macy had been under a lot of pressure. First, she found out about Mom and Kathy. Then, she’s confronted with the fact of Kathy harassing her sexually. I’m too scared to read more. I close it up and shove it into my purse. It’s like I’ve been up forever, my cell says its 3:00 a.m. I’m tired, so I close my eyes and hope to get a little shut eye.

  After awhile, I grab my phone as I hear it vibrate in my purse.

  It’s a text from Cruz. It’s now 4:00 a.m. As usual, he couldn’t sleep his text is proof of that. Baby, how are things going?

  I quickly send a text back. Mom was sleep when I came in. Kathy is here as well.

  Seconds later, I get another text. Why is she always around? Isn’t she just the live in nurse?

  She’s more than that to my mother. I found out by reading Macy’s diary.

  WTF?

  Yeah, I said the same thing.

  A few minutes went by and still Cruz hadn’t said anything.

  Cruz?

  Yeah, babe?

  Are you okay?

  Not really, but I managed to get over a major hurdle tonight. So, it’s going to be okay.

  What hurdle?

  I went to a bar. I almost drank. I gave it away and left.

  Omg Cruz. Wow! I’m proud of you.

  He told me before about the alcoholism that ran through his family and the issue he himself had with it. I felt truly proud of him for it.

  Ty. Just wanted to check on you.

  Ty. I’m going to be fine.

  Ok, talk to you later babe.

  Bye Cruz.

  “Who are you talking to?”

  God, it was my Mom!

  “Mom, you’re awake. What happened?

  “Where’s Macy?”

  Enter the dementia. I sigh. “She’s not here, mom. I just wanted to check on you.”

  My mother frowns and looks around. “Why the heck am I here? Where is Macy!” She’s trying to get out of the bed.

  I get up quickly and rush over to the bed, trying to hold her down. My mother starts screaming.

  Kathy jumps up and pushes me out of the way.

  I stumble back and hit the nightstand next to the bed. Narrowing my eyes, I watch as Kathy fusses over my mother. That alone, tells me my sister was correct in her assumptions. Kathy had taken this to a level it didn’t need to be at. I push the button for a nurse but it’s unnecessary as a nurse and my mom’s pseudo doctor rush in.

  I move completely out of the way and watch as they put something in her IV and my mother slowly sinks back down on the bed. She looks like a harridan. Irrational, wild and animalistic. Once more, the question of why am I here, filters through my head. I turn away, picking up my purse and am just about to walk out.

  The doctor stops me. “Can I speak with you outside, Ms. Waters?”

  “Of course Dr. Hibbert,” I say heading towards the door.

  “I should be there too.”

  I reach the door and turn. I roll my eyes as Kathy tries to inject some authority.

  “I just need Ms. Waters right now. I’m sure she can tell you all you need to know.” Right then and there, the tall white man with gray hair who probably swoops it over his bald spot, became my hero.

  We step outside the room and the doctor closes the door. He turns to me and pushes his glasses back up on his nose. “Your mother is declining rapidly. She’s refused to take medications needed for her diabetes and the stress she’s been going through can only cause another stroke.”

  I didn’t know how to respond. I stood there silently. I expect the doctor thought I would speak. My mouth dries up and I just stare at him, waiting for him to finish.

  Doctor Hibbert coughed. “Well, as I was saying…your mother isn’t doing well at all. Between the fall, diabetes and having had a stroke before, there are other issues making an appearance. She needs to start taking insulin. The pills are no longer helping.”

  I nod my head. “Thanks doctor, I’ll speak with her nurse.

  “My dear, I really think you should put your mother in a home.”

  I blink. That wasn’t what I’d thought to hear. “Okay, well, thank you doctor. I’m heading out and I will think on what you’ve said.”

  I’m the sole guardian for my mother. Kathy would have no say. I’d be free. Free! I pull out my cellphone and call the one person who can make me smile.

  Chapter 23

  Cruz

  7:00 a.m.

  I lay curled up in bed with Roxie. I couldn’t stop the grin from spreading across my face and into my soul—she called me, instead of calling Candy. I swear, I’ve had a perma-smile all morning.

  She seems physically and mentally exhausted, but I’m determined to take care of her. I managed to sleep for an hour or two but the dreams woke me. I kiss her bare shoulder and hear her even breathing. I’m glad that one of us can sleep. She let me know a little bit about what happened. Her mother was probably dying and she learned a bit more about what happened with Macy.

  I couldn’t wrap my mind around the fact that the nurse had been her mother’s lover. Roxie said, she couldn’t read anymore, at least not yet. She feels terrified about what else she might find out.

  I suggest she stop reading it and she said she couldn’t. For closure, she needed to read it to see what occurred.

  “I can feel you thinking.”

  I chuckle and kiss the top of her head affectionately. “You know me, I don’t sleep much.”

  Roxie yawns. “That’s not a good thing, Cruz.”

  “I know baby.” This was a bone of contention between us. She wants me to use medication if necessary. I totally understand it’s because she cares.

  “I just want to make sure that you’re okay.”

  “I know. The pills are out of the equation for me. My addictive personality and being from an alcoholic family…”

  “You think that you’ll become addicted to the pills if you take them?”

  “Yeah, it’s a known fact that alcoholics may have an increased risk for dependency.”

  “Um…why did your psychiatrist give it to you then?”

  “It wasn’t the shrink’s fault. I neglected to inform him that I was an alcoholic. I only talked about my father being one.”

  Roxie gasps and sits up looking at me. “Cruz!”

  I see the worry in her gaze. “It’s okay, I don’t take them. I don’t like how they make me feel.”

  “Then, why do you keep them?” She wears a grimace on her face.

  “They make me remember how vulnerable I am to addiction and that I need to stay focused. It really is a good thing. I don’t need them. I’ll find some other way to get to sleep. It’s getting better since I’ve been with you.”

  “Really?”

  I could see the hope in her eyes and it made me more determined to have it all with her. “Yes, really. I’m sleeping a bit longer now with less frequent bad dreams of Afghanistan.”

  Roxie cups my cheek and leans in to kiss me. Her lips are so soft.

  I take her into my arms and haul her close. Her skin pressing against mine is wonderful.

  “I want you so much Cruz.”

  “You’re seriously the air that I breathe Roxie.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Do you think you can handle this? Handle us, Rox?” I have to see if she is feeling me, if what is in my heart is reciprocated. I hold my breath.

  “I care about you a whole lot Cruz. I don’t want to hurt you. That’s my biggest worry.”

  “In this life, we’re going to be hurt. You can’t go around trying to protect your heart and mine. If we work on us together…we’ll come together.”

  “You don’t think we’re too damaged?”

  “No. I think our pain has only made us stronger. If we don’t take each other for granted and we talk as we have been…we’ll be fine.”

  “
You’re so confident about this Cruz.”

  “I’ve been in love with you since we were sixteen. It’s not going anywhere.”

  “What if love isn’t enough?”

  “It will be. Trust me, trust us.”

  “I trust you. I just don’t trust the world around us.”

  I stroke my fingers along her bottom lip, just wanting to touch her in some way. “We can do this if you give us a chance. Stop worrying about everyone else and for a change…worry about yourself.”

  “That’s so selfish.” A look of shock passes over her face.

  “No, taking care of yourself is a part of taking care of others. Your mother would never have gotten the care she has without you. You do so much for everyone else. You’re struggling within yourself, because the doctor recommended that you put your mother in a home. Perhaps it’s a good thing?” I sigh as she stiffens at the mention of her mother.

  “There’s so much to consider.”

  “Love is freeing Roxie, it isn’t the pain that comes from your mother.”

  “You’re right. I think it just boils down to always wanting to have my mother.”

  “It’s the same I wanted with my father and mother. Just because they did what they’ve done to us, doesn’t mean that we have to follow in their footprints.”

  “We are what we are.”

  “No, we are who we choose to be. We have a choice Roxie, a choice to either do as our parents did, or to go our own way.”

  “I’m scared, Cruz.”

  “You know what babe? So am I. I’m terrified but that means I’m alive.”

  Roxie kisses the palm of my hand and her tears drop on to my skin. “I need to learn to lean on you.”

  “We need to lean on each other.”

  “You’re awesome.” She smiles at me through her tears.

  “No, you’re the awesome one. I just get to bask in your glow.”

  She burst into tears.

  Then, I held her close, kissing her cheeks, forehead and lips repeatedly. “I will do whatever it takes to convince you that we’re kindred souls.”