Love You Anyways

by Mj Fields

  “Dad please…”

  “Head hurt?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good, remember that next time. Let’s go boy!”

  ~

  Logan, Ava, and I left the hotel together after saying goodbye to everyone. They slept most of the way home. Ash had called and said she was staying for a few days, to get her head straight. She talked to the kids and made plans for next weekend.

  Ava laughed when we hung up. “I’m going back to school, does she not know this?”

  “She’s got work to do…”

  “Yeah,” Logan grumbled. “Busiest secretary I have ever met. Shit you’re the CEO and you don’t even work as much as she does.”

  “Four years of school vs. two. Remember that boy,” I patted his knee and laughed making light of the situation. What else could I do?

  Chapter 10

  Normal

  Two weeks we had been home, living in perfect harmony. Except the part that I slept in Ava’s room while she was at college after Logan had gone to sleep and woke up at five to ensure he didn’t see me.

  Ashley told our son the reason she was staying home was to spend more time with him. She did pretty damn good. She cooked dinner, attended school functions; she even learned how to use the Xbox controls and tried to learn how to play his favorite games. She was putting forth effort. Just what I wanted her to do. But it made my stomach curl. He didn’t seem to notice. He seemed good. He wasn’t staying after school to work out after baseball practice anymore. He even brought a girl home. First time ever too. He said they were just friends but I wasn’t buying it.

  One afternoon while Logan was at school I ran up to Alex’s clinic. The old farm he was raised on was now the town’s only veterinarian clinic. I walked in and looked around and he was nowhere to be found. I was about ready to send him a message when the phone rang in his office.

  “Uncle Alex?”

  “Harper its Lucas, is everything alright?”

  “Yeah, is Alex around?”

  “Nope. Haven’t seen him yet. I just stopped by to see if he had any of that flea and tick ointment for our dog.”

  “So no one is there?” She sounded upset.

  “Harper tell me what’s going on.”

  “Mom went for a run. Told Tomas if he didn’t come back here he was fired. I’m just worried.”

  Tomas was her father’s assistant, or G man, as I called him.

  “I’m sure she’s fine.”

  “I know it’s just…”

  “She upset Harper?”

  “Yeah. Well she was last night.”

  “Okay you relax and I promise I’ll call you back in fifteen minutes. I’m pretty sure I know where she is.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Well, let’s just say I pissed your Mom off a lot many years ago. Two places she would go then. She hasn’t changed much so if she’s not at camp she’s down by …”

  “The falls.”

  “Yeah. So give me fifteen minutes okay kid?”

  “Thanks Lucas.”

  “No problem. She’s fine Harper okay?”

  “Yeah okay.”

  “I’ll call you back at this number?”

  “Yep it’s my cell. Lucas—don’t tell her I called.”

  I laughed, “Can’t promise anything. She may find it odd if I show up down there. I’ll look for your uncle if you want I can send him down.”

  “If he’s not there?”

  “I’ll go.”

  “Okay.”

  I hoped onto one of the four wheeler in the old hay barn. This barn was full of memories. Memories that all made a boy become a man. Memories that formed who I was today. I looked down at the ground and the memories of holding Tessa when the dog I had bought for her died in her arms. She cried, she laughed, and she talked in circles.

  “We were supposed to be in each other’s lives Lucas. We both desperately needed each other at the exact moment we met. But we should have stopped when it hurt, we could have been friends… we like each other. If I had let go you would have never been tricked by Sadi, you would have never had been in Syracuse and Tommy would still be alive. You should hate me Lucas.”

  She was sure at the moment that God had planned it all and we screwed it up. She was letting me off the hook for everything I had done to hurt her and trying to convince herself that it was okay to let go. I will never forget how bad that hurt as a boy. I may have been twenty two then, but I was still a boy. I had not learned everything she had taught me at that point. I didn’t learn it until it was too late.

  “I can’t believe what is coming out of your mouth right now.” I remember saying it like it was yesterday, “If none of that happened I would’ve never known real love. My Dad wouldn’t have been with Adrianna, I wouldn’t know my sister’s. My Mom would be a mess still. I wouldn’t have gotten this far in football. Ryan and Jade and all those kids wouldn’t have happened. Tessa… you need to stop. You’re scaring me.”

  “Lucas your scared because you know I’m right, come here please and sit down. We met for a reason and all the voids were filled. Things don’t happen by chance.”

  As an adult who now knows love, the kind that doesn’t carry questions, I believe in what she said back then. But I also stand by what I said. Things don’t happen by chance. Every part of me knew that this was part of our journey through life. She and I would be together someday. I just needed to let her grieve.

  I drove down behind the barn, following the path that she used to run down when she ran away from her pain and anger. A place she went to escape and a place she went to think.

  I stopped at the top of the path leading down to where I knew she would be. I knew she was sitting next to the falls, trying to gain peace from the flowing water and gentle breeze of the forest.

  I stood just a few feet away from her. The water roared its thunderous release caused by the thaw we were experiencing. It was almost deafening. Almost. She was crouched down and sobbing. If she knew I was watching her break down she would be angry. If I went to her she would be embarrassed. If I stood here I was going to lose my mind.

  “Tessa!”

  She wiped her face and looked around. I started walking to her and yelled her name again, “Tessa!”

  She finally saw me.

  She held her hand up as if to stay stop. I kept walking towards her and she turned and started walking away from me. She was yelling and running.

  “Stop! It’s slippery damn it Tessa!” I ran to catch up with her.

  “No!”

  She took a step back and slipped. I caught her.

  “Tessa, come on now don’t…”

  “I can’t do this! I can’t pretend anymore! I just can’t!”

  She pounded her fists against my chest once and left them there as she cried. I wrapped my arms around her as she continued to cry.

  “It hurts…so…bad.” She cried against my chest and finally rested her head against me as the tears fell even harder.

  I rubbed her back and held her.

  “I can’t look at a photo and not think this is all just a bad dream Lucas. I see him smiling and, and he’s right there smiling at me. I see him holding my hand and I feel it still. I feel his flesh against mine. I look around the house and he is everywhere, but he’s not. And I miss him, and it hurts, and I can’t change it. I can’t heal and move on. I feel like I’m caged in hell and I just can’t get to him but I know he’s right there because I see him everywhere.”

  It was breaking my heart to see her hurt. Not just see her hurt but to feel her pain. She continued crying as I lifted her and walked to a fallen log that was resting against a tree. I scooped her up and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I sat and held her as she just kept crying.

  God I wanted to stop those. I wanted to do something to make them go away. I sat with her on my lap rocking side to side like I would with one of my children. The woman in my arms at this moment wasn’t the one I had been dreaming about being with again.
She was my friend. Family. A woman I loved. A woman who I wanted to take care of.

  Her head bobbed and I looked down. She was fighting to stay awake. I rested my chin on her head holding it still and she fell asleep.

  I grabbed my phone out of my jacket pocket and with one hand managed to text Harper and let her know her mom was fine.

  The reply was thank you.

  I leaned against the tree and held her as she slept. A hundred years could have past and I could have been content right here for a hundred more.

  Watching her fall apart, seeing that it was me she was allowing to see her, hear her feelings, allowing all walls to fall down in front of probably should have made me nervous. Should have made me realize this needed to go slower than the six months I had planned for. But it didn’t. She needed me and I needed her too. Always had, always would.

  I leaned down replacing my chin with my lips. I stole a kiss, just one. I inhaled her scent. One that was so damn familiar to me. I needed her just as much. I rested my cheek against her head and sat there.

  I think I fell asleep or was just lost in the comfort I took in holding her. When she moved I sat up. She pulled her face from my neck and took her hands off my shoulder.

  “Sorry,” she whispered.

  “Don’t be.” I held her hand as she stood and then hesitantly let go.

  “No I really…How did you know where I was?”

  “Harper said you were…”

  “Harper?”

  “I was at the clinic and answered the phone. She asked me not to tell you…”

  “She what?”

  “She just wanted to know you’re okay.”

  “How long was I asleep?”

  “Half an hour forty-five…”

  “Holy shit.” She started walking briskly up the path. “I don’t want to talk about this again. I shouldn’t have…”

  “Stop.” She listened and looked back at me. “I won’t say a word to anyone. You just promise me when you are so fucked up inside like that you call me.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Alright, I know that’s what you need everyone else to see Tessa, but it’s me. Don’t push me away. I will keep it all between us. I swear Tessa, but you have to promise when you need to freak out…”

  “Freak out?” She stomped her foot and I held back a smile.

  “Fine not freak out. Let your feelings out, is that better?”

  She shook her head no.

  “Okay Tessa.”

  “I won’t burden everyone.”

  “Friends are not a burden.”

  “I’ll be fine now.”

  She continued walking and I stayed put.

  She looked back and raised her arms in the air. “Fine.”

  I jogged to catch up with her and when I did she looked over at me and rolled her eyes. “Your family needs you Lucas. I’m a big girl.”

  “They got me. And I have plenty of time for you too.” She laughed. “What?”

  “Why? Why do you like to…”

  “Shh you’ll ruin the bonding moment if you start getting pissy Tessa.”

  She stopped and looked as if she was trying to form some sort of comeback and then she laughed. “You sure you’re up for the job Lucas?”

  “More than up for it.”

  She nodded and kept walking up the hill.

  “Lucas, how are you and Ashley?”

  Wow, not ready for that one. “The same as we’ve been for a very long time.”

  “Good.”

  “This is not about me Tessa, it’s about you. It’s about you needing to let people support you when you deal with…”

  “I can’t, Harper’s getting married in two weeks…”

  “Two weeks?”

  “Yep. She doesn’t want to wait for the summer. I don’t blame her, you know she and Maddox are going to have a baby and they just need …”

  I grabbed her bicep to slow her down. “You okay?”

  “Yes. I just have a lot on my mind.” She started to walk.

  “Hold up.” She stopped and looked at me. “Tessa, Harper and Maddox lost their baby. You remember that right?” God she was handling this worse than I thought.

  Her eyes grew and she covered her mouth.

  “It’s okay. I told you I was here. Just talk to me.”

  “You can’t tell anyone.”

  “I will do whatever I can, but if things are getting mixed up in your head…”

  “No,” she laughed. “You can’t tell anyone about Harper being pregnant. She’s pregnant Lucas. Again.”

  “You sure?”

  She smacked my hand. “Yes I’m sure.”

  “How are they dealing with it?”

  “It’s a blessing. That’s why I have to keep it together. I mean that’s not the only reason. There’s Matthew and CJ too, but Harper needs me to be strong.”

  “She also needs you to grieve and heal.”

  “I’ll get there.”

  “Not if you keep pretending Tessa.”

  “I’m not.”

  “You are. I know because I did the same thing when Tommy died.”

  She looked over at me and her eyes showed hurt. “I don’t know how after being best friends for…”

  “Thirteen years.”

  “I didn’t even realize back then how hard it must have been for you.”

  “I didn’t either. I do now. So don’t shut me out got it?”

  “Got it.”

  “Tessa, Jade healed. It took a long time but she did and look at her now. I know it’s different but don’t forget that alright? If you have any reservations about talking to me, talk to her. You helped her through that. You helped me too. Let us do the same.”

  “I just want to wake up one day. Just open my eyes and just feel normal. Just for a while.”

  “You may not know it right now but one day you’ll do just that. You’ll feel human again anyway. Normal is really overrated.”

  Chapter 11

  Bitch

  I gave Tessa two days before I texted to check in on her. She responded immediately that she was fine and busy with wedding plans. She asked if we would be there, she hadn’t heard back from Ashley.

  I told her we’d be there. Ava was in the wedding and of course we wanted to share the big day with Harper. I asked if she needed anything and her response was prayers for strength and then a lol with a smiley face.

  I told her she didn’t have to ask for that it was a given, that me and the big guy were on good terms so she shouldn’t be afraid.

  Two days later I texted her again. She didn’t respond. I called the house and Harper told me she was jogging and asked if everything was alright. I told Harper I just wanted to be sure they got the RSVP and that we would be there and were very happy for her.

  I then texted Tessa that if she didn’t respond I would come find her. When she didn’t respond I headed up to the farm.

  I went down to the falls and she sat there looking at the water again.

  “Tessa.”

  She looked up and smiled and wiped her tears. “You stalking me Links?”

  “You’ve been avoiding me. I’m not stalking. You answer your phone or respond to a text, I won’t go looking.”

  “Easy as that huh?”

  I sat down next to her and handed her my water bottle. “Yes.”

  We didn’t talk much. We sat and watched the water.

  While we hiked back up, I told her I was going to buy her a fish tank, a big one so she could sit in her house and watch them, because this hike was a pain in the ass. And that made her laugh, a sad one, which sucked but at least it was a laugh. This made me know that four days between seeing her was too long for me, but she needed it.

  When we got to the SUV I gave her a hug. “Message me, call me, whatever, just to let me know you’re okay.”

  The hug was interrupted by the wicked witch ringtone alerting me when Ashley called. Nice timing Ashley. Bitch!

  Tessa stepped back and laughed
a real laugh this time. The kind of laugh when something surprises you. I couldn’t help join her.

  “What the hell is that?”

  “Jade’s ringtone.” I lied, sometimes you really have to. This was one of those times.

  “That’s awful.” She laughed again and covered her mouth, “Does she know that?”

  “No and she better not find out either.”

  “Oh no that is too funny to keep a secret.” She laughed harder.

  “Think about it. Do you want Jade to know our secret?”

  “Our secret.” She looked down and fiddled with her fingers.

  I reached out and grabbed her hand. “Stop stressing.”

  “Secret sound bad Lucas.”

  “What we’re doing isn’t wrong Tessa. Two friends sending messages. Checking up on each other when we hurt.”

  “I’m the one hurt. You’re married and…Lucas this is wrong.”

  “Don’t do that Tessa. Nothing’s going on that I am ashamed of.” She nodded. “No matter what Tessa, we’ve always been on each other’s teams. That shit’s not changing now.”

  I gave her a kiss, yeah ballsy move after that conversation. “Now get your ass home.” I opened the door and she climbed in. I shut it behind her and my phone blared alerting me that the wicked witch of the west probably needed something. Bitch!

  ~

  When I got home she was mad. “Where have you been?”

  “Well hello there Ash.” I set the take out I picked up on the counter. “I brought dinner.”

  “I’m going to Jersey,” she put her hand on her hip; I assume showing some sort of dominance.

  “Be back Friday. Ava’s in a wedding.”

  “I’m not going.”

  “The fuck you aren’t.” Okay I was pissed, really pissed.

  “You can’t make me.”

  “Try me Ash.”

  I grabbed a beer out of the fridge and walked past her. “You can fuck the worm after. I really don’t give a fuck.”

  “So you’re going to bribe me Lucas?”

  “Blackmail. Yeah if that’s what it takes for you to act like a mother.”

  “I have to go watch you and her? How would you like it?”