Love You Anyways

by Mj Fields

  “I can’t believe you. You’re fucking him again and you’re so fucking ashamed that you’re making it my fault. You made your choice. I told you already what that meant. Your daughter is in her best friend’s wedding, grow the fuck up. Suck it up. I’ve been living with you for years while you’ve been banging some fucking douche behind my back Ash. I’m giving you a chance to be the mom they need…”

  “I’m not Katherine, Lucas!”

  I was so damn thankful that Logan was at a friend’s house because I was gonna kill the bitch.

  “You shut the fuck up Ashley, because the way I see it you’re nothing different than she is. Where were you for Ava’s prom Ash?”

  “Not in a rehab.”

  I threw the beer bottle at the fucking wall and she jumped. “Fuck you.”

  I walked out the door and slammed it behind me. I jumped in my SUV and drove around for an hour. I was so pissed at her now. Beyond pissed. She was playing on a childhood insecurity.

  My mom was no fucking prize but things had changed, she had changed. She and my step father Bob were good. She had been sober for years and she was fucking there to take pictures of Ava at prom.

  Logan called and said he was staying at his friends. I drove by to make sure he was where he said he was going to be. He was and so were four other cars. I would be checking again later to make sure he stayed put.

  I drove past the house hoping she had left and she hadn’t, so I drove over to Ryan’s.

  When I knocked on the door, Tessa answered.

  Jade and Ryan had bought their house from me. It was my childhood house. It was also the place Tessa lost her virginity—to me.

  Now old Lucas would have been making a phone call, hooking up with someone to fuck the frustration out on. Old Lucas still lived deep inside so fuck yeah I was probably looking at her a little different than I had earlier.

  She stepped back, “Come in.”

  “Ryan around?”

  “Yep.” I went to walk by and she grabbed my arm stopping me. “You alright?”

  “Yeah fine why?” I laughed making it look good.

  “You sure?”

  “I’m good Tessa. Come on girl, shut that door its cold out there.” I looked towards my house. “Real cold.”

  “What’s up?” Ryan walked into the kitchen.

  “Saw the light on, thought I’d stop by. Sorry if I’m interrupting.” He handed me a beer. “Perfect.”

  “No you’re not interrupting Lucas. Come on in, we’re just putting labels on the wine bottles for the reception.” Jade smiled knowingly at me.

  Okay Jade and Ryan knew every day things about what was going on and Jade had been asking me where I had been the couple times I disappeared. I never told her. This was mine to deal with. I didn’t need any help or hindrance.

  I shrugged off my jacket ready to dive in to helping my friend, Tessa. She and Jade were sort of helping. They were actually drinking, by the looks of them they had been. Tessa had the perma pout going on. The one that held back a smile that played just beneath her pink lips. Her eyes were lit up and not sparkling, I mean lit the fuck up. So were Jade’s, but she was grinning. I looked at Ryan and he shook his head.

  “Been a long night Ryan?”

  “Doesn’t it look like it has,” he glanced at Jade and then back to the wine bottle he was applying the label to.

  “So what Lucas?”

  I looked at Jade confused. I had no idea what the hell she was talking about.

  “So what Lucas?” Jade repeated.

  “Okay Jade I’m not sure if it’s a question or a comment and obviously you’ve been drinking…”

  “So what? What are you, the fun police?” Jade laughed at her lame ass comment and Tessa did too.

  “Is this a trick question?” They both laughed harder.

  Typically I would have said something over the top perverted or suggestive, you know put ‘em on their ass with naughty but not now.

  Jade grabbed hers and Tessa’s empty glasses and walked into the kitchen. She turned on some music and walked back in to the beat of the music. Then started swaying her hips and backed her ass up and sat on Ryan’s lap.

  “Hey Jade.” She smiled.

  “Don’t smile at me like that. I’m not that drunk.” She and Tessa laughed again.

  “What are you the ass police?” I asked her.

  They all laughed. And then my mother fucking phone chimed, yeah that one, the wicked witches’ damn anthem. I looked quickly at Tessa whose eyes widened and her mouth formed a perfect O. I looked across the table at Jade’s phone sitting there. I looked at Tessa; pretty damn sure I was busted. And she started laughing, stood up and walked into the kitchen.

  “What’s so funny?”

  Oh fuck, “Jade please just go with it. Please.” I pleaded.

  “Fuck that what’s so funny?” Jade laughed as Tessa walked in.

  “Busted Lucas you better come clean.” Tessa patted my head and then sat with her legs tucked under her in the chair next to me. “When she goes after you, don’t worry, I got your back buddy.”

  “Spill it Links.” Jade drank down her drink and looked at me.

  “His ring tone for you…”

  “Tessa please don’t…”

  “It’s the wicked witch, you know when she rides her bike into the farm and…”

  I locked eyes with Jade ready to do battle. She reached for her phone and looked at me confused. I closed my eyes and mouthed please to Jade.

  “I’m the wicked witch?” Jade asked.

  “No Jade you’re not…”

  “I’m the wicked witch!” Jade stood up.

  I looked at Ryan another silent plea. Jade had my back, always had but when she was drunk I never knew what the hell she was going to do.

  Tessa sat next to me smiling a big goofy smile that would have been adorable if I was sure what the hell Jade was going to do.

  Ryan stood and whispered in her ear.

  “Until I fall asleep?” Jade asked her husband.

  “Until you are so spent that you pass out with my head between your….”

  “Oh dear God!” Tessa covered her ears and laughed.

  Jade flung her arms around Ryan’s neck. “Starting now.”

  “After I take Tessa home.”

  “I can take her home,” I offered.

  “I bet you’d like…” Jade started and Ryan kissed her.

  He pulled back and looked at me. “Cool, lock up when you leave?”

  “Will do.” I smiled and continued attaching the label.

  “I can call Alex, Lucas, you don’t have to…”

  “Don’t be silly. We have what two boxes left here to do and then I can take you home. I need to check to make sure Logan’s car is at his friend’s where he’s supposed to be. It’s on the way.”

  “You’re checking up on him?” She smiled as she was about to apply a crooked label.

  I grabbed the bottle. “Maybe I should do this.”

  She smiled, let go of the bottle, and sat back.

  We didn’t say another word. She handed me the bottles, and peeled the paper off the back of the label and handed it to me as I put them on.

  When we finished I asked where her coat was and she stumbled as she stood.

  “You drinking a lot these days?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Not judging, I was just wondering because…”

  “Fun police.” She smiled as she walked past me.

  “Oh no way. I’m a damn party waiting to happen.” As she put on her jacket, I quickly looked at my phone. Ashley was on her way to New Jersey.

  “Prove it.” She poked me playfully in the chest.

  “Is that a dare girl?”

  “Double dare.”

  “Okay let’s roll.”

  ~

  I opened the door for her and she got in all giggly and cute as hell.

  When I sat in the driver’s seat I looked over. “What?” She laughed.

  “Seat belt
bab…Tessa.”

  “Right.” She said as she reached back and pulled it on. “Lucas does it go away?”

  “Nope,” I smiled as I buckled my seat belt, “But the pain lessens.”

  “Sure,” she whispered and looked out the window.

  “I believe you dared me…”

  She looked back again and smiled, “Double dared.”

  “Oh that’s right. So let’s start off by going to a party,” I laughed as I backed out.

  “Hell yeah,” she laughed.

  ~

  We slowly rolled past Logan’s buddy’s house. Now there were two more cars.

  “You ready to party?”

  “Um, no,” she laughed.

  I jumped out and opened her door. “A dare’s a dare, come on girl.”

  I pulled her out by her hand.

  “Were you invited?”

  “I don’t know, we’ll see.” I said as I hurried to the house.

  “Is that Logan’s car?”

  “Oh wow, it certainly looks like it.” I pulled her behind me away from the motion light we had just triggered.

  “Lucas,” she hissed.

  “Hurry up, don’t want to miss the fun.”

  “Oh my God,” she whispered.

  I peaked in the window and red solo cups littered the table.

  “Uh oh,” Tessa said covering her mouth as she giggled.

  “Well now we are definitely crashing,” I was pissed.

  “No wait,” she pulled me back. “He’s a senior in high school Lucas. He’ll be in college next year.”

  “Not catching on here Tessa but I am freezing my ass off.”

  “He’s staying the night right?”

  “He is.”

  “Well he’s not driving.”

  “So I let it go?”

  “No you call him. You ask what’s up and ask him to be responsible. You …”

  “Okay fine, come on.”

  As we were sneaking out through the side lawn, a car started to pull in the driveway. I grabbed Tessa’s hand and pulled her into the trees beside us.

  She laughed and I covered her mouth and pulled her back against me hiding us. “Shh.”

  She leaned into me and looked up and smiled and then turned around and pulled my hand off her mouth and held it against her cheek. “Your hands are warm.”

  “Just a couple more seconds,” I whispered and unzipped my jacket and wrapped it around her to stop her from shivering.

  I saw Logan come to the door. He reached out and the kid handed him his keys. He stepped back and let them in. When the coast was clear she didn’t move. I gave her a few minutes and then asked, “You ready?”

  When we got in the car, she buckled up as I dialed Logan and he answered on the first ring.

  “Dad?”

  “Yeah just wanted to see what you were doing.”

  “A few friends came over. We’re watching a movie.”

  “Girls?”

  “Dad.” He warned.

  “If there are you have condoms right?”

  “Dad you can’t be serious.”

  “Oh I can be. If you don’t, I can bring you some.”

  I hear him cover the phone and a muffled, ‘Don’t you dare move’ and a female giggled. Then Tessa giggles and I shot her a look.

  “Dad what the hell is the problem? I don’t need condoms, I have them…”

  “Why do you have them?”

  Tessa smacked me. I grabbed her hand and held it still.

  “Dad seriously.”

  “You don’t need anything distracting you. Logan you need to…”

  “I’m not gonna move in with some girl cause I got her knocked up Dad.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “That’s what Mom said. You and Tessa a long time ago you…”

  “That’s not how it all went down Logan. Not at all. She was; look apparently you and I need to have a conversation about life and love son because …”

  “Why aren’t you talking to Ava about her sex life? Jesus Dad. I’m with my friends, a senior in high school. Just leave it alone. Even Mom gets that.”

  “Are you high Logan because…” Tessa squeezed my hand and I closed my eyes trying to reel it in. Quite frankly I had forgotten she was here. And now she heard what he just said about my high school days and she was that fucking girl. Un. Fucking. Real!

  “No Dad. I’m not. I have had a couple drinks, I’m not driving. I’m not gonna bang Sadi…”

  “What? Sadi?” Oh fuck no. “What the hell happened to the girl from the other night?”

  “She’s my friend…”

  “Okay look, why don’t you try that girl instead Logan, she seemed nice.” I let go of Tessa’s hands and grabbed the steering wheel like it was some sort of stress ball and squeezed it.

  “Dad, I like this girl.”

  “Logan I don’t think…” Tessa smacked my stomach. “Why don’t you come home?”

  “I will in the morning Dad. I’ll piss in a cup so you know I’m not doing drugs and I’ll sit on your lap and let you read Good Night Moon to me if that’s what you need…”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked.

  “I’m not a baby Dad, I’m almost eighteen. I do well in school. I’m not on drugs. I play sports and I’m going to college next year. Isn’t that good Dad? Now please let me grow up.”

  “I’m proud of who you are Logan. I just want you to be able to wake up tomorrow and feel proud of yourself.”

  Logan sighed, “I planned to ask her out tonight.”

  “Sadi? You sure Logan because…” Tessa smacked my chest again making me stop and I held it again. I looked at her and mouthed ‘Ouch’.

  “Yeah I’m sure.”

  “Do you love her?”

  “Dad?” He whined like a little boy being asked to do the dishes.

  “Be smart and be safe okay?”

  “Yeah, you too.”

  “I love you.”

  “Love you too.” And he hung up.

  I looked over at Tessa, “Sorry about…”

  “Don’t be.” The pressure of a truly uncomfortable situation was eased when she laughed, “Sadi?”

  “I know what the hell?”

  “She was a kid. I’m sure she’s happy now.”

  “We were kids.”

  “Yes we were.”

  “Look Tessa, I don’t know why he said what he did but I’m sorry.” Sorry doesn’t even begin to describe what I was. “Ashley should have never…”

  She shook her head from side to side. “Kids hear what they want, I’m sure that’s all it was.”

  “Sure, but still, he doesn’t need to know any of that. That’s…”

  “Our pictures are in the yearbook. They can find them in the library. Our name is on the plaques with pictures of homecoming Kings and Queens. It’s not like it’s top secret stuff Lucas. No big deal.”

  “It is a big deal. I don’t remember seeing, ‘oh her, he fucked her and knocked her up…’”

  “Lucas…”

  “No damn it. I loved you. You loved me. That’s not why we lived together, built a home together. That’s…”

  “Harper knows.”

  “About us?”

  “About the miscarriage. I told her when she lost her child. It’s not the same but I wanted her to know. I hope that doesn’t upset you.”

  It did upset me that it still hurt her. I thought about it often but knew that if I dwelled on it that feelings would be dredged up that didn’t need to be. Things I couldn’t change, things that distracted me from what I have now. Regardless of how messed up the past was, I still had Tessa’s friendship and two beautiful kids. Ones I never thought I deserved.

  I must have been quiet too long. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

  “No Tessa, that’s not what I was thinking.”

  I looked at our still linked hands and she did too. “Sorry about that.” She pulled her hand back.

  “No way Tessa, don’t be s
orry.” I kissed her hand and let go. “We should probably get out of here and get you home.”

  “Yeah.” As I pulled out onto the road she reached back over and held my hand. “You’re a good friend Lucas.”

  I gave her hand a squeeze and drove into the darkness hoping that someday soon I could drive her back into the light.

  Chapter 12

  Lake Watch

  I looked at my reflection as I looked into the mirror in the bathroom getting ready for the wedding. I saw a few lines beside my eyes that I hadn’t noticed before, and a few gray hairs, they were also new. I grabbed the tweezers and pulled them out promptly. They had no business there.

  Logan walked in fussing with his tie, “Dad I can’t get this.”

  “Come here. Okay show me how you’re doing it.”

  Logan started the process.

  “You only crossed once. You have to do it twice. Try again.” He tried and succeeded but it was too short. “I got it.”

  As I tied my sons tie, I chuckled.

  “You’re laughing at me.” Logan groaned.

  “No buddy, laughing with you. I remember my first formal event. It took me hours to get it right. I was so pissed at the tie that I called and told my date I wouldn’t be there.”

  He laughed, “Why didn’t you have Grandma do it?”

  Because she was loaded, so fucked up she couldn’t function. “She was busy.”

  “Did you get it or did you did you really blow her off?”

  “She called crying. I called Tommy. He helped me and all was well. There, all done.” I stepped back and watched him admire the tie in the mirror. Then looked at himself and smiled which made me laugh.

  “What? Look at this face, perfection Dad.”

  “The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree boy.”

  He stood and watched as I tied my tie. We both buttoned our cuffs and started to turn and leave when Ashley walked in.

  What the hell was she wearing?

  “Can I use the bathroom a minute or are you two going to be awhile?” She asked.

  “All yours,” I said as I walked by skeptically eyeing the wife.

  “What?” She half hissed.

  “Nothing Ash, you look nice, that’s all.”

  I had never seen her in such a tight dress, or one as low cut. She did look great. I wouldn’t be banging her tonight but someone should. Bitch!