Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

  AL: Thank you for dinner and for taking care of Luke and Maddie tonight.

  Me: ANY time. You know that! I love those kids! ☺

  Crap! I palm slap my forehead. I used the “L” word. Damn, I hope he knows what I mean.

  AL: I wasn’t sure how to feel about it.

  Me: Uhhhh…okay…I guess. Not really sure what that means.

  AL: I’ve never had that with the kids. It’s always just been the three of us.

  Me: You have a beautiful family.

  AL: Thank you.

  Me: It’s late. I’m going to bed. Good night.

  AL: Sweet dreams.

  Me: You, too. XOXO

  I’m dreaming about running through the woods and I hear voices, but I can’t get to the voices fast enough. It sounds like Maddie and Luke are crying, but no matter how fast I run, I can’t find them. I wake with a jolt. I reach for my phone to check the time since it’s still completely dark out. I see an unread text from Adam.

  AL: And for the record, my kids love you, too.

  ALL DAY LONG instead of thinking about lessons I’m supposed to be teaching, the words from his text come back to me. “My kids love you, too.” What does that mean? They love me back? Or they love me as well as he does? Why am I torturing myself? Why am I getting my hopes up? He can’t possibly mean what I think he means, can he?

  Shelby and I stay after work to finish preparations for the Harvest Fest. She reluctantly agreed to chair the event with me so I wouldn’t have to deal with Gina on my own. She knows what a nasty bitch Gina can be. At our last meeting, I quickly and quite happily, put Gina in her place when she tried to take over saying she’d use her contacts in New York to get us a better deal on things we needed. Shelby politely reminded her that we like to use our local markets which only pissed Gina off even more. Things remained strained but professional and we kept our personal issues out of sight.

  Hosting an event with 350 people in attendance went off pretty much without a hitch. Adam’s offer to help me find some extra materials in the supply closet gave us just enough time to get our clothes off and back on without raising suspicion.

  Adam loved my nurse costume which I chose intentionally to pay homage to our retiring nurse who was notorious for sending sick kids back to class only to have them vomit on their desk. When Adam requested that I keep the costume, he was met with my raised eyebrows. “You can be my naughty nurse any time,” he growled and bit down on my earlobe as he helped me slip back into my costume.

  “Your lip gloss is a little smeared and you’re misbuttoned.” Shelby smirked at my appearance once we returned. “And your friend was looking for you,” she said to Adam, nodding in Gina’s direction. Adam rolls his eyes before heading off to find his kids. All the kids had so much fun decorating pumpkins and playing games. I may even serve as chair next year, if I’m still here.

  ***

  THERE’S A BUZZ OF excitement as Halloween draws near. Jack-o-lanterns are carved, homes decorated and haunted houses abound. I’m happy it falls on a Friday this year. The kids at school are insane the day after Halloween. I’m happy I don’t have to deal with cranky kids who were up too late and ate too much candy.

  I decide not to host my annual Halloween bash because Ryan and Will’s band is playing at a local bar tonight. Adam has his kids so I won’t see him. Aside from seeing them at the park and having them over for dinner, as far as the kids know, I’m still just “Miss Delaney, Maddie’s teacher” not “Mia, Daddy’s girlfriend.”

  Pete called and asked if I needed help passing candy out. He insisted that no kids ever stop by his apartment, but I think he just wanted to eat the full size candy bars that I hand out each year. I swear he’s eaten more candy than he’s given out to the kids.

  Later that night, my doorbell rings nonstop with clowns, superheroes, princesses, and ninjas, all causing Brady to bark loudly and continuously. He looks adorable in his cow costume this year. Pete laughed when he took a picture of me with Brady. “You know that poor dog of yours is probably humiliated that you dress him up. First, you chop off his balls and then you dress him up for Halloween. It’s not right, Mia. It’s not right.”

  He squats down and holds his hand out. Brady lifts his paw and puts it in Pete’s hand. “Time to turn in your man card, dude.” A curious look passes over Brady’s face as his head tilts to the side. I think my dog agrees with Pete, but I’ll never admit to it.

  “Oh, shut up! He loves it. And he looks adorable.” I shower the top of Brady’s head with lots of kisses.

  An hour later, the candy bowl is running low so I head into the kitchen when I hear the doorbell ring again. “Pete, get the door.” I call out.

  “I can’t. I’m in the bathroom. I think I ate too many Snickers.” He answers back. Good! I hope he has the shits for days for eating all that candy.

  “Coming,” I yell over Brady’s bark. My eyes widen in surprise when I open the door to see a group of five people standing there. It’s not just any random group of candy seekers. It’s Adam, Maddie, Luke, Gina and Sophie. What the fuck! Really, Adam? All at once, my body is suddenly attacked by a barrage of feelings which flash through me: embarrassment, humiliation, jealousy, and anger. I want to slap that smile off his face and make him realize what he’s done by coming here with her. He never mentioned that he was planning on stopping by when we talked earlier.

  “Uh…hi! Well, isn’t this a surprise.” I look down at the kids quickly before Adam catches the anger in my eyes. Maddie and Sophie are dressed as ketchup and mustard while Luke is dressed up as a mad scientist. Gina just stands there in tight jeans, a fitted sweater, and tall leather boots. She wears a wicked grin on her make-up plastered face.

  Just then Pete comes around the corner from the bathroom telling me to close up shop because Ryan texted and said the band is going on sooner than expected. Pete catches my “shut the fuck up” glare as Adam stands on my front porch. Crap! I hope Adam didn’t hear that.

  Maddie is the first to speak, her sweet little voice uttering the familiar phrase, “Happy Halloween.” “Trick or treat,” Luke chimes in while their father stands there brooding, anger starting to seep from his hard body. I don’t dare a glance at his handsome face.

  “Hi, guys! Happy Halloween!” I quickly transform from jealous lover to happy teacher in an instant. Knowing that I’ve got to get going soon if we want to catch Ryan’s band, I give each child a huge handful of candy, never looking up at Adam because I know what I’ll see and it definitely won’t be pretty.

  Sophie hesitates before opening her bag, looking at her mother for reassurance. “Whatever. I’ll check it later,” Gina mutters.

  The nerve of this bitch! Coming to my house and insulting me.

  I chat quickly with the kids about all their candy and laugh about which houses gave them raisins. Raisins? Come on, people. It’s Halloween!

  Sophie tugs on her mother’s arm, whispering in her ear. “No, Sophie. Absolutely not. You’ll just have to freakin’ hold it.” I hear Gina spit out. Sophie protests again saying that it’s an emergency.

  Oh, God. I do not want to welcome this wench into my home, but I’m not heartless. “Do you need to use the bathroom, Sophie?” I ask, looking at the daughter, ignoring her mother.

  “No! She’s fine,” Gina bites out.

  “Mommy, please! I have to go! Bad!” Tears well up in Sophie’s eyes.

  Adam and his kids stand there awkwardly watching the scene unfold.

  “It’s fine. Just let her use the bathroom. You know where it is.” I glare at her then stand back to make way for them to come in.

  “Oh. My. God. Sophie, you’re such a pain in the ass sometimes.” She grabs her by the arm and takes her to the bathroom around the corner. Maddie and Luke take the opportunity to play with Brady. I finally meet Adam’s angry eyes. What’s his problem? I’m the one who should be pissed!

  “You’re going to the bar?” he asks.

  “Yep.” I nod, responding. I want to sc
ream and tell him that I’m going to get stupidly drunk and dance on the bar and get wild and crazy.

  “What if I don’t want you to go?” he challenges.

  “Uhhh…I’d say you’re crazy!” I laugh without humor.

  “Is Will going to be there?”

  “Probably! He is in the band,” I say slowly, giving him a look that says, “You already know this.” What a double standard! He can parade around with Gina, knowing damn well about the lies she’s telling people, but I can’t go listen to a friend’s band. Fuck that! Something is seriously wrong with this picture.

  I’m on a roll, the words spill from my mouth before I can stop them. “Wait? Um…who are you at my house with? Oh, that’s right…Gina!” Sarcasm stains my words as I point my finger at him and snap my teeth. “Adam, do you realize how absurd this is?” My head shakes and my eyes roll involuntarily at the ridiculous situation we find ourselves in.

  He stares at me with angry eyes, swallowing hard, his teeth clenching, making his jaw tick. “Don’t start with this again, Mia. I’ve already explained this to you. I have to be close to her.” What? He has to be close to her? What the hell does that mean? He must realize what he’s said because he quickly utters, “She’s like family.”

  “Whatever,” I blurt.

  Gina walks around the corner, dragging Sophie behind her. “Let’s go,” she snaps. “Wow…Nice to see you’ve fixed the place up, Mia.” Her voice oozes derision as she walks past me and out onto the porch.

  “Fuck off,” I mumble, hoping it was loud enough only for her to hear. I wouldn’t want the kids to hear my foul mouth. I’m not sure if Adam caught that brief interaction, but he doesn’t say anything if he did.

  “I don’t live off my father’s money.” I glare at her.

  She snorts. “You’ve got that right! You live off of mine.” Her blue eyes narrow at me, raking up and down my body.

  I say goodbye to the kids before looking at Adam, his face unreadable now. “Thanks for stopping by. It’s always a pleasure to see you two. Have a wonderful night!” I close the door harder than necessary. Remember that brick that fell from the wall surrounding my heart, well, it’s back in place sealed this time with thicker mortar.

  I ignore the many texts that I get from him. I don’t want to talk to him right now. I choose to leave my phone in Pete’s car when we go into the bar. I just want to drink, dance, listen to some good music, and have a good time. I don’t need this drama. It will only lead to heartache.

  It’s after two in the morning when I stumble to Pete’s car and climb into the passenger’s seat. I roll the window down for fresh air, hoping to quash the contents of my stomach from rising up. I remember my phone is in the glove box. Pulling it out, I see that I have 31 text messages and 26 missed calls all from Adam. Uh oh, I think he’s either really pissed or desperately needs to get laid.

  Scrolling through them quickly, he’s mad at first, then he’s sorry for coming over with Gina, then he’s pissed because I’m not answering, and then he’s worried. He’s like a roller coaster of emotions. I can’t even bring myself to listen to his voicemails.

  The next morning, the rising sun shines through my bedroom window. My sheets are a tangled mess around my fully-clothed body, a pounding noise throbs in my head like freight train. Holy shit! I feel awful. As I make way downstairs to let Brady out, I carefully grip the railing, taking each step slowly. I think I might still be drunk. A combination of caffeine and Excedrin are always my “go to” hangover cure. The time on the microwave tells me it’s only 6:42. Damn, why am I up so early? I need to shower, crawl back into bed and sleep this hangover off. The coolness of the refrigerator offers little relief for my pounding head. I finish my cup of coffee just as Brady barks at the door to come in. I scold him for barking so loudly and he runs off to hide behind the couch.

  Hours later, a loud knock at the door and Brady’s bark wake me from my deep slumber. Keeping my eyes closed, I lie there in my bed, hoping Mrs. Longo will just go away. But the knocking and barking begin again and then stop. The sound of glass breaking and heavy footsteps put me on high alert. I sit up quickly, my eyes settling on my nightstand which houses my gun.

  My bedroom door is pushed open by a frantic Adam, who is breathing fast and hard as if he’d just run a marathon. His wide eyes look around the room and fall back to me. “Where the hell have you been?” he yells.

  “Shhhhh…please don’t yell. My head is killing me.” I lie back down, throwing my hands over my head.

  “Answer me! I’ve been going fucking crazy all night, worrying about you.” He tugs at his hair, and then scrubs his face with his palms.

  “I told you to stop yelling!” I wince at my own loud voice. “I’m fine. Just a little hung over, that’s it.”

  Adam walks over and sits on the edge of my bed, looks at me and shakes his head. “Why did you go to the bar last night? Were you trying to make me jealous?” His voice is eerily calm.

  “No! Why would I do that? I didn’t think I was going to see you last night. It wasn’t a big deal. And besides that, while we’re asking questions, why don’t you answer one for me? Tell me why you’re always with her. Maybe there’s more truth to the rumors than you’re telling me.” I shout even though my head aches and I want to cry.

  “Move over,” he says, wrapping his body around to spoon me. His lips whisper in my ear. “Listen to me. You...are all I think about. The thought of some other guy hitting on you, touching you, wanting you...it kills me. It absolutely shreds me.” His arms pull me closer to his chest. “You don’t know how much you mean to me. How much you mean to my kids. And that scares the shit out of me, Mia. This is exactly what I was trying to avoid. You have the power to hurt me and my family.”

  The desperation in his voice brings me to tears, quiet sobs rack through my body. “You’re all I think about, too. What you have…it’s all I’ve ever wanted.” His chaste kisses are placed on the back of my head. “But you won’t let me in. You keep me tucked away and that hurts—especially when that nasty bitch gets to enjoy you AND your kids at the same time.”

  His fingers stroke my hair from my forehead to the end of the long layers. “Things need to change. I can’t do this anymore. We can’t do this anymore. It’s not right.” Oh, God! I want to scream at the top of my lungs, but nothing comes out. “You’re breaking up with me? Oh, fuck! Please just go. Don’t make this any harder than it already is, Adam. Please.” I beg him, hot tears drop from my eyes, rolling down my face.

  I’m fine. I’ll be fine. Believe me I’ve been through much worse than this I want to tell him. “I promise I’ll be alright. Just go.” I bury my face in the pillow. One would think that he’s left the room, but I know he hasn’t. His breathing is slow and controlled.

  “No, Mia. I’m not leaving you.”

  “I’ll be fine, really.” My words choke out.

  “I can’t leave you even if I tried. I’m in love with you.” His whispered words spoken so softly, I almost miss them. “I think I have loved you from the first day I saw you.” My hair is pushed away so he can see my face. “Did you hear me? I. LOVE. YOU.”

  His words make me cry even harder, loud sobs fill every inch of my room. I want so much to wrap my arms around him and tell him that I love him, too, but instead I say, “You can’t love me. You don’t know me. I’ve done unforgivable things.”

  “I do know you. Whatever you say or think, I know you. I know you’re beautiful, kind, generous, loving, and compassionate.” Adam pulls me up to hold me against his chest. “I love you, Mia Delaney. I’m tired of holding back. I’m tired of keeping you at arm’s length away from my kids and away from my heart. I’m tired of hiding our relationship. I don’t want to hide what we have.”

  He loves me? Adam Lawson loves me! He wants a real relationship! Heart sticks out her tongue at Brain because never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that from the lips of this gorgeous man, these words would be spoken. Maybe he’s what I’ve been waiting f
or. What I need. And Maddie and Luke are incredible children whom I’ve come to love so much already. The bond I have with Madison strengthens every, single day.

  I wrap my arms around him tightly, pouring every ounce of love into it. “I know this is going to sound crazy because I do love you. I love you so much, but I’m also terrified to love you. I’m afraid to love your kids.”

  Confusion is written across his face as he looks down at me. “Why? Why would you say that, Mia?” His deep voice laced with hurt.

  “Remember what you said when we first got together about not wanting your kids to get hurt? I get that completely. You see, in the past, the ones I’ve loved have been ripped away from me. It’s happened too many times already.”

  Adam’s arms pull me closer, offering his body as a shield to protect me from the pain he cannot see but knows is deep-rooted. “I’m sorry you’ve had to endure pain and loss.”

  “I don’t want to tell you everything because it serves no purpose. I can’t change the past. But please just know that how I feel about Gina is legitimate and that I have never, in my entire life, hated anyone ever as much I hate her. It’s not some petty high school jealousy or rivalry—it goes way beyond that.” I wipe my nose with the back of my hand. “What she did to me is unforgiveable and irreparable.” Loud hiccups shake my body. “She’s a huge part of the reason why my life is what it is.”

  “Okay. You don’t have to tell me right now although I would like to know someday so I can fully understand.” My chin is raised, met by his lips. “I’m not going anywhere, Mia. You have me. You have us.” I close my eyes, tears streaming down, staining my face even more.

  NOVEMBER BRINGS A picture perfect, brisk New England autumn, colors arriving fully with beauty and welcoming scents. Since Adam and I have begun a real relationship that includes his children, we spend nearly every evening together. He doesn’t come in to pick up the kids from school anymore, I just bring them home with me and he meets us at the park for Luke’s football practice and they stay for dinner afterward. I bring Maddie to dance class on Thursday but choose to wait in the car with Luke. Sometimes I play catch with him or listen to him ramble on about weird science facts. The kids are beyond thrilled to be able to play with Brady everyday while I watch them or get things ready for dinner. I do miss our Thursday night rendezvous. Without the need for Gina to take Maddie to dance class, we don’t have that planned time together—just the two of us.