Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

  Mrs. Chapman wasn’t too pleased when my name was added to the children’s file as a contact person. The conversation in her office about my personal life didn’t go over very well; she said she was concerned and suggested that I should be careful. I thanked her and reassured her that I would be fine.

  “Mmmm…smells and tastes delicious.” Adam’s nose skims my neck, his tongue peeks out to lick me. “And I’m not talking about whatever you’re making for dinner.” His mouth quickly finds mine as he pulls me into him. “I want to feast on you all night long. I miss you. We miss you.” He circles his hips, pushing his erection into my belly.

  I shoo him away before the kids come in to wash up for dinner. I run my hand along the seam of his tented pants with a promise of a sinful dessert. The four of us enjoy a succulent steak and mashed potato dinner with brownie sundaes for dessert. Adam tells the kids to get their homework started while I show him where the shower needs to be fixed in the upstairs bathroom. His chocolate eyes dare me to question the leaky shower in need of fixing.

  “We’ll be right upstairs, kids. Call us if you need anything.” He shouts over his shoulder as his hands are already all over me like a desperate man.

  As soon as the bathroom door is shut, I am shoved up against the sink, my pants dropped to my ankles while my leg is thrown over his shoulder allowing him to ravage my swollen nub with his mouth. I look down at his dark head as it is raises and lowers, pushing in and out. His fingers are added, plunging one and then two deep into my core, making me yank his hair harder as I come.

  “Turn around and hold on to the sink.” His pants are unzipped and lowered just before he plunges deep into me, taking me harder than he has in a long time. Our eyes meet in the oval mirror; his expression full of lust and love. His hands travel all over my body from my breasts, to my hips, back to my sensitive spot. Several more deep thrusts and his body tenses and then relaxes as he finds his silent but forceful release in me. Thank God for birth control pills.

  “God, I love you.” His body bends over me, kissing my shoulders and back.

  “Mmmm…I love you, too.” I feel empty the moment he slides out of me, redressing quickly. He reaches for a washcloth, running it underneath the hot water before wiping me clean.

  “I think your shower is all set, ma’am. Let me know if it leaks anymore.” He smirks and kisses my cheek.

  “You’re quite the handyman, aren’t you?” I slap his ass when he turns to open the door.

  We walk downstairs to find Maddie sitting at the kitchen table and Luke rolling on the floor with Brady. Uncontrollable fits of laughter come from both of us when Luke asks what all the noise was, saying it sounded like his dad was banging something with a big hammer. Oh, God! If they only knew what an incredible handyman their daddy is, especially with that big hammer of his.

  We say our goodnights with hugs and kisses before Adam takes his children home to get ready for bed. Gina’s name appears on the screen of his phone just as he steps into the Escalade. Once again, he kisses me and apologizes. I wonder what she’s calling for now. It’s obviously not about the kids since they’re with me all the time and it’s a little late for a business call.

  Sitting on my couch, curled up under the red and white plaid blanket, I close my eyes and think. I’m filled with such mixed emotions. I feel completely satisfied with our relationship now that we don’t have to hide. The bond that is forming between his children and me is incredible and I feel grateful for them. But there’s a little nagging feeling that makes me shiver. Brady jumps up and cuddles at my feet.

  As I stroke Brady’s back, I close my eyes and let my thoughts wander. I wonder how Adam became so close to the DeGennaros and then I consider the disturbing fact that Gina will always be in the picture, either lurking in the background or playing the damsel in distress, in need of his help. Although they have a professional business relationship, I know she would love to have a sexual relationship with him. I can’t say I blame her on that one. Since Adam’s company does a lot of work with Gina’s family and their many businesses, it is only a matter of time before all of our paths cross.

  Carl DeGennaro, whom I loved like an uncle, has not spoken to me in nearly seven years. Twelve days after the plant explosion that killed my father and led to the consequently devastating events of that night, we said goodbye and buried what was left of him. Carl, wearing all black from head to toe, kept his head hung low and eyes hidden from me beneath dark sunglasses. I was frozen like a statue when he hugged me, stroked my hair, and kissed my cheek before telling me how sorry he was and that my father was a good and honest man.

  My father had had suspicions that things weren’t right at the plant for a while, but being the good foreman and friend that he was and, more importantly, needing the job to support his family, he kept his mouth shut. Dad knew about Carl’s other “business investments” and knew that money had become tight for him. My father was a hard worker who basically lived paycheck to paycheck like so many other people. I remember overhearing my mom complain a few times that his paycheck was overdrawn; there was no money so they had to struggle to make ends meet for a few weeks. My mother offered to get a job but he said no, insisting that she continue to stay home and raise us kids.

  There are certain people in this life that you don’t want to ever owe money to and apparently the DeGennaro family owed them a lot.

  That fateful night as I talked to my mother on the phone, letting her know that I was driving into town early for a doctor’s appointment, she told me that my father had gotten a call about some emergency alarms going off at the plant and because we lived closer than Carl, he went alone. I laughed at my mother’s constant warning to drive carefully; we lived in New England and endured Old Man Winter’s brutal blankets of snow and ice year after year.

  Within mere minutes of my father arriving at the plant and searching for the source of the emergency, the building erupted into a mass of flame and fire, a huge orange and yellow mushroom cloud could be seen for miles, rocking the surrounding buildings from their foundations, shattering house and store windows alike. The fire department said there was nothing they could’ve done for him even if they had gotten there sooner. My father never knew what happened, for that I am grateful. The chief fire investigator ruled the cause of the explosion as inconclusive and took an early retirement a month later, having received a very generous severance package from an outside source.

  Although no one was ever convicted, everyone in town knew who the guilty party was. Carl DeGennaro became a quiet and sullen man who agreed to the deal his lawyers hashed out. My mother was awarded a very large settlement from the wrongful death lawsuit of my father, but she didn’t want the money; she just wanted my father back. She’d lost the absolute love of her life which led to her losing touch with reality. The money had been divided between Josh and me. My brother set up a college fund for each of his kids. My share was placed with an investment broker in California and hasn’t ever been touched.

  ***

  AT SOME POINT I found my way into bed, but I tossed and turned all night long. I was awakened by dreams of loud explosions, barking dogs, and mops in storage closets.

  WHEN ADAM INFORMS me that he has to go away for a planned business trip to meet with investors for some property which, if handled correctly, could be extremely profitable for him, I am in awe. To watch him transform from sexy dad to savvy businessman is something amazing. The way his hands move in front of him, the way his face grows serious and his eyes sparkle when what most people see as a dilapidated building in need of being torn down, Adam envisions its potential and worth. I love to watch him work. It is his passion.

  He’ll be gone all weekend and the kids will be with their grandparents so I’ll have the weekend to myself. I do feel a little guilty for wanting some quiet time, but truth be told, I’m not really used to all of this. I’ve been alone for so long. I make plans to hang out with Shelby and Mike and Pete agrees to tag along. We have big plans for th
e night. Pizza and Pictionary.

  Shelby and I are in my classroom talking before school starts when I get a phone call from Adam. I’m a little surprised because he said he’d be in a meeting all morning and we’d already had our morning round of naughty texting. If my man needs a little incentive to get him through his stressful day, then I am more than happy to oblige.

  His voice is rushed, panicked even when he tells me that the grandparents are unable to watch the kids this weekend and he really needs to be at this meeting. I don’t hesitate when he asks if I would watch the kids for the weekend. I agree immediately. But then, I want to reach into the phone and strangle him when he offers to pay me for “babysitting” them. Not cool, Adam Lawson. Not cool. He hurries off the phone after thanking me.

  “Change of plans, Shel…pizza and Pictionary at my place.” We walk out to pick up our classes as the bell rings.

  A bouquet of flowers arrives in the office for me shortly after lunch. A huge vase filled with wild orchids, yellow sunflowers, red and orange mums brightens my desk. They’re all my favorite fall colors. I read the neatly typed words on the simple white card, the seven little words touch my heart. “You are simply amazing. I love you.”

  Madison, with red-rimmed eyes, is not in a good mood this morning when I greet her along with the rest of my class. It’s hard not to treat her differently when she’s become so close to me. Before recess, I ask her to stay in and talk to me. She tells me that her feelings are hurt because of something that Sophie said to her.

  “She said I don’t have a mommy because me and Luke killed her. And that it’s our fault she’s in Heaven.” Loud sobs wrack through her body.

  “Oh, Madison, sweetheart!” I hug her tightly, pulling her onto my lap. “I don’t know why Sophie would say such a thing, but that’s not true. You know that, don’t you?” I silently hurl every foul word I can think of at Gina because I know she’s the source of these lies.

  “Maddie.” I swallow the lump in my throat. “Your mom loved you and Luke so much. It’s not anyone’s fault that she went to Heaven. People get sick all the time.” Circling her back with my palms, I try to quell her tears and mend her broken spirit.

  “Do you want me to talk to Sophie for you?” I ask.

  She shakes her head, “No, I don’t want to ever talk to her again. I hate her.”

  And “I hate her mother,” I want to say but don’t.

  I reassure her that Sophie wasn’t trying to be hurtful with those words and she was probably just repeating what she thought she heard someone else say.

  “Do you want to call your dad?”

  She sniffs her nose, nodding a yes.

  I call Adam quickly and tell him what’s going on. I can’t hear what he’s saying to her, but she nods and says, “Okay. I love you, too.” She hands the phone back to me.

  “Sorry to bother you at work, but I thought it was important.”

  “No, you did the right thing. You and my kids are the most important things to me. I’ll make this right.” He disconnects the call.

  ***

  WALKING UP BEHIND her angrily, I grab a fistful of that long, blonde hair and smash her head forward on the table over and over again, leaving her in a heap of bloody bruises. I scream words of rebuke and hate, as everyone watches, but no one comes forward to intervene. I hurl words of disdain as I tell her what a horrible mother she is and that she doesn’t deserve her daughter. Evil laughter spews from my belly.

  As she lies in a bloody heap, her body mangled, I kick her hard one more time, “That’s for the past, bitch!”

  At least that’s what I want to do when I see Gina come in at dismissal time. I shake my head briefly and release a disbelieving chuckle, bringing me back to reality because the scenario that just happened was all in my head. I have no idea where that violent episode came from.

  Madison sits at the table alongside me, coloring a page from her new coloring book, rather than sitting with the other kids waiting to be picked up. Gina glances at Madison and then glares at me, asking her why she’s not sitting with all the other kids. I reach down to gather Maddie’s long brown hair in my hands just like my mom used to do to mine then smile and wink, ignoring Gina completely.

  “I’ll be right back, Maddie,” I say as I follow after Gina and her daughter.

  “Gina,” I call after her.

  She turns around, rolling her eyes at me. “What?”

  “Can you tell me why Sophie told Madison that it’s her fault that her mom died?”

  She snorts loudly. “How would I know?” She continues, “And besides, how is Madison any of your business? You do realize you’re just one of the many women he’s fucking. There are others, you know.”

  What? How dare she? That fucking lying bitch! “Well, it is my business because I’m her teacher,” I retort.

  “Well, you’re acting like you’re her mother. Newsflash, Mia. You’re nobody’s mother.”

  ***

  BY THE TIME ADAM gets to the house that afternoon, I’m emotionally exhausted. I start dinner and from my kitchen window I watch Luke and Maddie run and play with Brady. For some reason, my mind wanders to thoughts about their mother, Johanna.

  The conversation I had with Adam a few weeks ago about why he always has to answer his phone, never letting it go to voicemail replays over and over again. I wasn’t prepared for the answer I’d received. The guilt that he carried, and still does, about that awful night when he told me how Johanna had called him relentlessly, but each and every time, he chose to ignore her. He didn’t realize at the time that this was her most desperate and final plea for help. Too many of life’s pressures consumed her. The pressure of raising her children as a single mother, the pressure of needing a perfect body to restore her dance career, and her lifelong battle with depression were all just too much to bear for her. That night, as her babies slept soundly in their bed, she called Adam one last time before taking her own life.

  I held Adam that night as silent sobs vibrated through his body and tears of guilt and shame coursed down his face, his whispered words repeated, declaring it to be his fault that his children were motherless. “If only I had answered, I could’ve saved her.” Through unrelenting tears, Adam repeated those words like his words could bring her back. Some people don’t want to be saved, others are beyond saving.

  I had drawn a bath later that night, hoping I could help wash away some of the guilt he felt for her death. The story that unfolded before me was one that I never expected. It was the story of Adam and Johanna.

  Johanna had been a ballerina for a dance troupe in New York City. Her face and body were beautiful; her long brown hair cascaded down her thin back, always shielding her tall, lean, but strong body. Adam was immediately drawn to her, but not just because of the beauty she possessed, it was her innocence. Moving from her suburban home, she was innocent to the ways of the world, having lived a sheltered life with only her parents, a conservative cardiologist and his wife. To be a prima ballerina was her dream.

  They never really dated or became a couple, but they would always end up at a hotel after a night of partying. Johanna had hit the party scene fast and hard, experimenting with drugs and alcohol.

  When she found out she was pregnant, she told no one—she just disappeared, telling her parents that she had joined a troupe in France. Adam didn’t really think much about it since they hadn’t hooked up much lately anyway. He continued working to build his company, buying and selling property all over the tri-state area, partying with Chris, and bedding a different woman pretty much every night.

  Johanna rocked his world three years later when she showed up on his doorstep with twins, claiming them to be his children. Of course Adam denied it, and demanded a paternity test, but he knew it was true the moment he saw Luke. It was as if he were looking in a mirror—his own face staring back at him.

  Adam was hurt and angry at her for never revealing the truth and keeping his children away from him, although he wasn’t ready
to become a father at the time just quite yet. Adam’s attempts to see his kids were unwelcomed since she only wanted child support from him. He even offered to marry her. That was a hard pill to swallow for me even though it all happened before I knew he existed, but still, he would’ve married her for the sake of his children. Eventually she relented after a judge issued him visitation rights.

  They were always at odds, never agreeing on what was best for the children. Johanna wanted to keep them in Connecticut, where she lived with her parents, but Adam wanted them in New York. Since she turned down his offer of marriage, he then offered to buy her an apartment so she could be close to the theater district because her dream of being a prima ballerina never waned. The mounting pressures of life and her battle with depression consumed her; desperate pleas for help went unnoticed by everyone around her, especially by the father of her children.

  ***

  THE BEEPING OF THE kitchen timer and the delicious aroma of lasagna calls us in for dinner just as Adam arrives from work. His arms wrap around me, pulling me in like he’s a desperate man. His face is buried into the crook of my neck, inhaling my scent. I feel the tension of his stressed, hard body dissipate almost immediately.