Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

  “I can’t ever lose you.” His words are spoken sincerely, but there’s an undertone of something—fear, maybe.

  My hands run through the back of his hair, pulling his face down for a long kiss. “I’m not going anywhere. You and these kids mean everything to me.” I smile, searching his weary face for a reason behind this demeanor.

  The four of us sit together, say grace and enjoy our dinner. The kids compete for attention, telling their father all about their day which includes the upcoming second grade field trip and their parts in the chorus program.

  “I need to be deep in you,” Adams growls in my ear, nipping at my earlobe as I load the dishwasher.

  A smile spreads across my face, needing more than just his words. I also need him buried deep in me. We quickly step away from each other when Luke comes back into the kitchen to complain that Brady doesn’t want to play with him. Poor Brady, my boy is getting old and he can’t hang with the young ones as much anymore. He has been a little off lately, barking to go outside at all hours of the night, waking me up constantly.

  I promise Adam that I will see him at his place tonight after I’ve finished taking care of a few things at home. We don’t do sleepovers during the week when the kids are home, but tonight might be an exception. We’re desperate for each other.

  AFTER I GET BRADY all set for the night and I’ve got my bag packed, it’s pretty late when I finally lock up my house and drive to Adam’s on the other side of our sleepy town. The soft sounds of O.A.R. singing “Peace” keep me company.

  A thin layer of snow covers the quiet, dark roads. Jack Frost wants to make an early appearance, I guess. Most families are already settled at home for the night while children are tucked into their beds. A warm, fuzzy feeling flows through my body as my thoughts consider how much my life has changed in just a few months.

  I pass a few cars on the road, each one driving carefully as though snow is a rare occurrence. It is New England, people—we get a lot of snow. That’s one of the reasons I bought a Jeep. Sadly though, I am fully aware of how much damage even just a little bit of snow and ice can cause at any given moment.

  All of a sudden, I am aware of a car trailing closely behind me, its headlights bright in my rearview mirror. I speed up thinking maybe that I’m driving too slowly, too cautiously, but the sedan keeps following closely. An uneasy feeling whizzes through me, the hair on the back of my neck stands up, my heart beating a little faster. Since I know these streets like the back of my hand, I turn onto a side road through the industrial park which will still take me to Adam’s house. The car proceeds to turn behind me. I turn left onto another side road and the car follows. What the hell? My instincts tell me something isn’t right. I can’t see the driver of the vehicle because every time we pass the street light, the car slows down, widening the gap and then comes close again. Think, Mia. Think. My father’s words come back to me. “Mia, if you’re ever being followed, drive to the police station or any populated area.” That would be great advice except Adam lives in the middle of nowhere on the outskirts of town and the police department is back a few miles in the opposite direction.

  I press the green button on my phone to answer Adam’s call immediately.

  “Mia, where are you? I thought you’d be here already,” he asks before I can even say hello.

  I don’t want to seem paranoid, but this car has me a little worried. “Adam, I’ll be there soon,” I respond distractedly.

  “Mia, what’s wrong? You sound anxious?”

  “I think I have a car following me. I’ve turned onto a couple different streets trying to figure it out, but the car follows me on every turn.”

  “What does the car look like?”

  “From what I can make out, it’s a dark sedan with only one person,” I tell him.

  We find ourselves unsure about what to do. He certainly can’t wake his sleeping children to come meet me and leaving them home alone would never be an option for either one of us.

  “I want you to turn around and go back toward town, drive straight to the police station,” Adam insists. I can hear the apprehension in his command.

  Just as I make my way back into the more populated part of town, the car slows down, turns right towards the highway and disappears. Adam keeps me on the phone the entire time, constantly asking where I am now and what the car behind me is doing.

  My eyes scan the road as I pull into my driveway, looking for any sign of something amiss. I park my Jeep and get out slowly, holding on to the door so I don’t slip and fall in the snow. The motion-sensor light mounted on the garage quickly turns off just as I unlock the back door and step inside. What the hell? It usually stays on for longer than that. I’ll have to check the batteries or maybe it’s those damn deer always running across my yard.

  I crawl into my big bed all alone, missing his body wrapped around mine. Adam and I whisper words of affection and lust to one another on the phone as we each take matters into our own hands—literally. Of all nights when we’re so desperate for each other, we have to settle for this. Those feelings of unease and paranoia are quickly replaced with utter bliss and contentment knowing that my words alone could send Adam over the edge to his release. I love this man with all that I am and all that I have.

  “No, stop! Don’t go in there! Please!” I scream at the top of my lungs, running frantically trying to reach them. I watch in slow motion as Adam walks toward the building, holding Madison and Luke’s hands, leading them away from me. My heart pounds in my chest, my voice screeching loudly, begging them to come back, but he doesn’t hear me. Madison’s head slowly turns to face me, an innocent smile on her face as she lifts her tiny hand, her fingers curling, waving goodbye.

  Just as they cross the threshold of the open door into the building and disappear, my body is slammed back against the wall. In an instant, a monstrous plume of black smoke and orange fire light up the night sky, consuming them. “NOOOOOOOO,” I scream. “Come back! Come back to Mama.”

  “Come back!” My screams jolt me awake, hot tears streaming down my face, uncontrollable sobs shake me. I drop my face into my palms and pant heavily, trying to calm myself down. Breathe in and out. In and out. Brady whimpers at the sight of me so I pull him close to me, reassuring him that I’m fine and that it was just a bad dream. A really bad fucking nightmare is more like it.

  Walking downstairs to get a drink of water, I notice that it’s really cold in my kitchen. I think about how winter is making its approach much too quickly this year. Brady barks, indicating that he wants to go out so I open the back door. I watch him run out into the backyard, barking angrily while chasing after some wild animals. No doubt it’s the raccoons that like to feast on my garbage at night.

  I make my way to the bathroom to wash my face. And that’s when I notice the window is slightly open. No wonder it’s so cold in here. The kids must’ve opened it earlier today. I secure the latch on the window before calling Brady several times to come back in. Stupid dog wants to stay outside and chase wildlife in the middle of the night.

  Sleep doesn’t come easily. I toss and turn, fluff my pillows, and even consider drinking Vicks NyQuil to get some sleep, but it’s almost time to get up for work so I just lie there thinking. I think about my father. I think about my mom and my brother. I think about Adam. I think about Maddie and Luke. I think about the one whose tiny fingers and toes I have never touched, but I love still the same.

  SATURDAY AFTERNOON, with the early snow now melted and gone, the kids and I rake my entire front yard and make a family of scarecrows while Adam is away on his business trip. His phone calls and texts have been brief because he’s either on a job site or in a meeting. His annoyance and anger were clear as day when I asked him about the female’s voice calling his name in the background during one of our quick phone calls. “You’re just one of the many women he’s fucking.” Gina’s words stirred my insecurities that I’m not enough for Adam, but my heart fluttered like a hummingbird when he told me th
at his kids and I were his life.

  I watch as Brady chases the kids through huge piles of colorful leaves. I feel like we’ve become a family. Thankfully, Adam and I still have our own weekends when the kids go visit their grandparents, although there have been a few times when Maddie asked if she could stay home instead. Sometimes, the answer has been yes, other times no. I’ve come to an agreement with Madison that she has to keep things quiet at school with the other kids. Adam and I don’t hide our relationship anymore, nor do we flaunt it around on display for the world to see. Needless to say, the Wicked Bitch is not happy.

  I even managed to piss off another DeGennaro this week when Gina’s older brother, Chris, came in to pick up his niece. He was livid when I made him go to the office to get approval to take Sophie home because his name wasn’t listed as an authorized person and he didn’t have any identification since his wallet was in the car. I smiled the most insincere smile imaginable, quickly reminding him that I was just doing my job and following the rules. He walked away muttering something about me being stubborn just like my father. My eyes flashed up in anger when he snorted and mumbled, “Look how that turned out.” That son of a bitch!

  ***

  A FEW DAYS later, after my brother called to talk about our Thanksgiving plans, I decide to go for a run while I have some free time. The air is frigid when Brady and I reach the summit. Most of the leaves have fallen off, young and old trees stand bare. My one-sided conversation with my father is filled with apologies for not coming often enough and stories of how my mom is doing and about how happy I am with Adam and the kids. I know my father would like Adam because he’s hard-working, honest and treats me like a princess. Sometimes it makes me sad that my father was taken away, never having the opportunity to walk his baby girl down the aisle or to see and hold his grandchildren. Well, that’s not entirely true…I believe with all my heart that he holds one precious, tiny hand every single day in Heaven. I imagine he would be a loving and doting Grandpa—the kind that would give you an extra scoop of ice cream even though your parents already said no.

  When I get home and shower, I send Adam a quick text to let him know that I’m going to stop at Shelby’s, go to the grocery store to pick up steak for dinner, and then I’ll be on my way over. I chat with Angie Jackson at the store and welcome her squeals of delight when I confirm that Adam and I are indeed a couple. “I just knew it, girl. I just knew it. When’s the weddin’? I’ll need some time to lose weight, you know.” I laugh at her craziness and tell her to settle down with talk of a wedding.

  It’s been such a long time since I’ve felt this happy. I love Adam and his kids so much, they’re all I’ve ever wanted. The Philip Phillips song on the radio reminds that the Lawson family has become my home. It’s late afternoon and the sun has just begun to set when I pull into Adam’s long driveway. Immediately I spot her Mercedes in the driveway parked alongside the Escalade. While I park my Jeep in front of the garage, I notice that my palms are sweaty and my anxiety is high on alert. I can’t imagine why she’s here on a Saturday. I know they are still business associates, but I don’t see the need for her to be here at his house on a Saturday evening. Can’t she just leave him alone? My heart warns me that something isn’t right.

  Like every other time, I walk into the house through the garage which leads through the mudroom into the kitchen. My pulse starts to quicken as the muffled words, “Shhh…it’s okay. Don’t cry,” invade my ears. My eyes tighten in confusion, scanning his vast kitchen and then I see them. Maybe it’s my body’s way of protecting itself that causes me to falter back slightly, but I can still see them in the reflection of the sliding glass door. Adam’s arms are wrapped around her body, embracing her as he does to me. I freeze. The sound of my heart cracking fills my head loudly, I can hardly think. I stand there, immobilized, speechless, watching my worst nightmare unfold before my eyes. Again. The scene before me is too much to bear—it’s like an awful déjà vu from seven years ago. Adam’s face slowly morphs into Dylan’s and I literally cannot breathe as I watch them.

  Gina lifts her head from his chest and presses her lips to his. Don’t kiss her back. DO. NOT. KISS. HER. BACK. He tenses and immediately jumps back, pushing her away. “What are you doing?” With the back of his hand, he wipes her red lipstick from his lips as his handsome face scrunches in disgust. “Gina, why would you do that? What’s wrong with you?” His words reek of contempt.

  “Adam, I know you want me. You always have.” She steps forward, trying to grab him. “Listen to me, baby. You think you want her, but you don’t. You don’t know the things she’s done. I’m so much better for you. We were meant to be together.”

  His face contorts into revulsion. “What? No, Gina. You’re wrong. We are not meant to be together. You’re…you’re like family to me. It’s never been anything more than that. You already know this.”

  “You’re right, baby. We can be a family, just the four of us.” Her voice begins to whimper as she reaches out to touch his face as if he hadn’t just rejected her.

  The four of them? Doesn’t she mean five of them? I know she didn’t graduate in the top ten percent of the class or anything, but two plus three still equals five.

  “Four of us? What the fuck are you talking about, Gina? Listen, I’m sorry to hear about your father and I’ll do what I can to help, but you’re obviously not thinking clearly. I think you need to go. Now.” He backs away again.

  “We belong together, Adam. Even my father agrees.” Her tactic, as well as her voice, changes. Her father would do anything and everything in his power for his little girl. He’d already proven that a few years ago. Carl DeGennaro is a ruthless man who has money and the power of persuasion on his side.

  I step back quietly into the garage, silently cursing my phone when it begins to vibrate. I should just ignore the call, but it’s my mother calling again for the third time in a row so I quietly close the door and walk out to the driveway. I don’t really hear the words she says even though I am listening. My mind and my heart are back in Adam’s kitchen. I sense immediately that she’s not on her medication even though we haven’t talked that much in recent weeks. She’s rambling about not making it to my brother’s for Thanksgiving this year because she’s going on some new-age spiritual retreat in the Dominican Republic.

  With a deep intensity, my eyes stare straight ahead at the door where just beyond it stand two people. One is the person I love most in life and the other is the person I hate the most in the world. My thoughts are still focused on what’s going on inside Adam’s house. My mother’s conversation is all over the place before she abruptly ends the call, saying her friends are there to pick her up. My poor mom. My dad would turn over in his grave if he ever saw how poorly she dealt with losing the love of her life that fateful night. We all lost something that night—some of us more than others.

  It’s the sound of the back door slamming so loudly that makes me look up. A haggard and distraught looking Gina rounds the corner of the house and freezes when she sees me leaning against my Jeep.

  I stand there bewildered, wondering about what happened inside. Maybe I should have just walked in and confronted her. Maybe the time has come for me to claim what’s mine and finally put that bitch in her place.

  “You! You fucking bitch! This is your fault! You think you can have him. You’re dead wrong, Mia. And I mean dead wrong. Dead like your father. Dead like Dylan. Dead like your baby.” Her cruel words spit out with acid, spewing venom like the cold-blooded viper that she is.

  I don’t respond. I can’t respond because I have no words. I am stunned. My heart has been ripped to shreds again by this vindictive witch. She looks deranged as if she had been pulling at her blonde hair leaving it in a wild mess. Her usually flawless makeup is smeared across her face. I watch silently as she gets into her shiny car, backing out recklessly before screeching away.

  I feel faint. The sky above me starts to spin, everything moving in slow motion as I lower my weak
body down to the ground and sit against the side of my Jeep, the floodgates of my soul opening.

  I don’t even have the strength to pick up my phone to respond to Adam’s texts probably wondering where I am. It’s here that he finds me a short while later. My head rests against the front tire, my eyes looking upward, but I see nothing. It’s as if I’m staring into an empty oblivion. The sound of his voice coming through the back door draws my attention. With his phone cradled between his ear and his shoulder, he steps out onto the patio to light the grill, ending his conversation. I vaguely hear him say something about her losing it and having to move faster than planned. Just seeing this beautiful man who holds my heart brings on another round of emotion. My arms are wrapped around my knees, slowly rocking myself back and forth while snotty tears flow from my eyes and nose. With mascara smeared across my eyes, black streaks mar my face. Muffled sobs attract his attention.

  Immediately, Adam drops to his knees, cradles my face, and comforts me, asking what’s wrong. I feel betrayed. I feel dejected. I feel broken. Those beautiful dark eyes look at me, revealing a mixture of his love and apprehension, while his words repeatedly tell me how sorry he is. I’m not sure what he’s apologizing for exactly, but I let him wrap his arms around me, forming a cocoon to rock me gently until exhaustion takes over and I succumb to the darkness which beckons me.

  I wake up under the covers of his plush king size bed and look over to find him working quietly on his laptop, a serious, almost worried, expression on his face. I don’t remember coming to bed. I don’t remember anything but his arms wrapped around me. He looks up thoughtfully and goes back to typing what looks like an email.

  His phone vibrates alerting him of a text. I watch him carefully as his lips purse and he shakes his head. He taps out a response before setting the phone back down on the nightstand. I memorize his face. I memorize the way his lips meet or the way his tongue darts out to moisten them. I know that this will be the last time I get to lie next to him. I know that after tonight, we will no longer be together. I know I won’t survive this. I can feel the edge of darkness creeping in, closing in, shutting out the light.