Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

  I offer my cheek awkwardly when he leans in to greet me, his lips lingering a moment too long, making my eyes close briefly. It’s not that I want him; I just wasn’t expecting to ever see him again. And let’s face it, he’s freaking hot!

  “My brother didn’t mention that you’d be here for Thanksgiving,” I state.

  Araceli steps into the pantry looking for stuffing mix.

  “Yeah, it was last minute thing.” His voice drops to a shy whisper, “I was going to call you, but I lost your number.” I don’t know what to say when he looks at me with those incredible hazel eyes. “And I couldn’t exactly ask Josh for your number now, could I?” Max asks, looking at me with implied meaning. His broad shoulders shrug apologetically before casting his eyes to the tiled floor.

  “Oh my God, no worries! Seriously…it’s fine,” I promise, smiling before turning to wash my hands in the sink, not wanting anyone to notice how they’re trembling.

  Taking a break from the TV, Adam saunters over to me and slides his hands around my waist, pulling me into his hard chest. “Hey, beautiful, I’ve missed you.”

  I angle my head so I can lean back to kiss him. “I’ve been right here, babe, slaving away for you.”

  He growls in my ear. “I can be a slave driver, if you want me to be.” I don’t think he used his inside voice because my sister-in-law walks back in and erupts into a fit of giggles, drawing Adam’s lips away from my ear to see what’s so funny, but what he finds is Max standing there staring at us, watching our interaction.

  Quickly, I jump into action, making introductions between Max and Adam.

  “Max is my brother’s best friend. They met in the Air Force.”

  I turn to Adam and smile. “Max, meet Adam. He’s my…my Adam.” What am I supposed to call him? Boyfriend seems so trite. Lover is not an adequate description of what Adam is. Soul mate? That would be the correct definition of what he is to me, but that just sounds weird.

  “Good to meet you, man.” Max extends his hand and Adam returns the handshake. “How long have you two been together?” he asks and I can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to figure out if I was with Adam over the summer. I’m slightly offended by the question because I would never be unfaithful to Adam or anyone else for that matter. I’m not a cheater. Period.

  “Well, that depends. Would that include all the time I pursued her and she ran fast and far away from me?” Adam smirks because I think he knew he’d eventually catch me just like he did. “We’ve been together a few months. She’s everything to me.”

  “That’s good to hear. She’s a good girl.” Max smiles at me. I wonder if he means that I’m a nice person “good girl” or I screwed her in the back seat of my Rover “good girl.” Either way, it doesn’t matter, it’s over and done with. I can’t change the past.

  “Miss Delaney,” a teary-eyed Madison cries, running into the kitchen in search of me.

  “What’s the matter, honey?” I ask, reminding her that she can call me “Mia” when we’re not at school.

  An eruption of tears streams from her little body when she bursts into sobs, gripping my hips tightly with her arms. I look to her father for some guidance.

  “Maddie girl, what’s wrong?” Adam asks, squatting to her eye level, pushing her hair away from her face, but Maddie tightens her hold on me.

  “I was so scared. I was looking for you, but you weren’t there.”

  Upon hearing her tearful words with such fear in her voice, I lift Maddie up and cradle her against my body, her legs wrap around my waist without hesitation. With her arms around my neck, she buries her face beneath my long hair.

  “Shhhh, honey. It’s okay. It was just a dream. I’m right here.”

  Adam stands there helplessly as I console his daughter, comforting her as only I can. His worried eyes meet mine, searching for some unknown answer.

  “We’ll be outside,” I whisper and carry Maddie out to the patio to sit on the hammock. Her petite arms still hold on for dear life as her quiet sobs slowly begin to subside.

  “Talk to me, Maddie.” I use my fingers to smooth her hair back and kiss her forehead.

  “I...I was so...scared,” she hiccups. “I was walking with Luke and Daddy. We were holding hands. I turned around to see where you were, but you weren’t there.” She wipes her eyes with the tips of her small fingers while her hiccups continue. “When I told Daddy that we had to go back to get you, he said you had to go away. He…he said you didn’t love us anymore. You didn’t love me.”

  I bite back the unshed tears that will fall heavily onto my cheeks at any given moment. “Madison, I’m not going anywhere, sweetheart. I love you, honey. You’re my sweet Maddie girl. I love you, your brother, and your daddy very much.” My arms can’t hold her close enough. “And you know who loves you, too?”

  “No,” she sighs exhausted from crying.

  “C’mon, sure you do. Think about.”

  Her big brown eyes filled with sadness look into mine.

  “Brady! That dog is crazy about you! He loves you so much!” We laugh together thinking about what a loveable and goofy boy he is.

  Rocking back and forth slowly on the hammock, I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to hold my daughter like this. To have held her at birth, to feel her suckle on my breast, all these things I would never know. I can’t imagine my life without Adam and his kids, I would be devastated if I lost them, and yet Johanna couldn’t imagine her life with Adam and her kids, she couldn’t stand it so she ended her life, taking Madison and Luke’s innocence with her. The irony is too familiar.

  “Miss Delaney.”

  “Madison, honey. Remember you can call me Mia when we’re not at school. I don’t mind.”

  Apprehension dots her now subdued face. “But, Sophie said it’s not right. She said you want to be my mommy. She said you can’t be because you only get one mom and mine went to Heaven.”

  And I wonder where Sophie heard that. I smile down at Adam’s sweet little girl.

  “Well, Sophie is 100% wrong! You know my brother, Josh, inside?” I motion toward the house. “He has two mommies. When he was just a teeny tiny baby, his real mommy, the one who carried him in her belly, well, she couldn’t take care of him. So she gave baby Josh to my mom and dad because she knew that my parents would love him and protect him.”

  “Josh has two mommies?”

  “Yep and just because I’m not your mom because Johanna was your mommy, that doesn’t mean that I can’t love you. I’ll always love and protect you. So don’t listen to Sophie anymore, okay? You call me whatever you want. Deal?” I hold out my pinky to lock in her promise. Her little pinky wraps around mine. “Deal.”

  Back inside, we find everyone helping to set the tables. Josh and Araceli have a modest home in this quiet military town. A makeshift kids’ table is set up adjacent to the adults’ table. When we sit down to eat, we hold hands, bow our heads and say grace, each of us sharing what we are thankful for this year. Everyone got to say their piece, but I couldn’t do it. The words wouldn’t come forth, only tears uttered my silent and many thanks for Adam, Luke, and Madison. For my brother and his family. For my crazy mother. For my friends. And lastly for Brady, who has been there faithfully beside me for the past seven years.

  Everyone at the table laughs nervously when I break out into a full on sob after Adam thanks me for being the love of his life and for completing his family, kissing me with such love and adoration. He was right. All those months back as we walked along the seaside, hand in hand, he said, “It’ll happen.” It finally happened.

  FLYING HOME LATE on a Sunday afternoon from a busy but fun holiday weekend was probably not the best choice. We are all exhausted. The kids have been arguing and whining since we said goodbye to Josh, Araceli and the kids. Thankfully Max didn’t show up to say goodbye like he said he would. That wouldn’t have gone over well with Adam.

  The brief but noticeably friendly encounters between Max and me were a huge source o
f contention after we stuffed ourselves full on our Thanksgiving feast. Adam knows me too well. The tension that riddled throughout my body was palpable when Adam figured out that the subtle nuances that Max aimed at me were more than playful banter, it was outright flirting. Max didn’t seem to care that my brother, or more importantly, Adam was present. Adam’s face was a mix of emotions from hurt to disgust when I confessed later night about sleeping with Max.

  “He fucked you? In the back of his truck?” I had to cover his mouth with my hand to quiet him because his voice could, no doubt, be heard through the thin walls.

  “SHHHHH! BE QUIET! It was before I met you. I didn’t even know you existed!” I answered through gritted teeth, defending myself. Surely he couldn’t be mad for something that happened before him? If I remember correctly, he was the one who said, “Do we really want to delve into each other’s pasts?” No! I don’t want to know about all the women who’ve shared his bed. Lord knows he’s probably slept with half of the women in New York City so he shouldn’t want to know or care about whose bed I’ve been in. Although the back seat doesn’t constitute a bed. Adam slid his hands over mine to remove them from his lips, cupping my face while forcing me to look at him. In his eyes, I expected to see anger, but instead I was met with compassion and love. “Baby, I don’t care that you had sex with him. Well...that’s not entirely true.” His chest rose and lowered on a ragged breath. “I hate any man who’s ever had the privilege of kissing you, touching you or pleasuring you,” he winced, but continued on, “but, it’s the way he treated you. How could he have been so careless with you?”

  Closing his eyes, Adam lowered his head and shook it briefly as if he were shaking away an unwelcomed thought before resting his lips against my forehead. Images of all the women before me come to mind. I wonder if Adam is thinking about how he treated them.

  “You have no idea how incredibly precious you are. No one should ever treat you like anything less.” Once his varied emotions over the situation subsided, he showered me all night with a love more precious than the rarest gem on Earth.

  ***

  “YES, I UNDERSTAND…Okay, that’s fine…I’m getting everything we need…Yes. Okay, I’ll be there. I’ve gotta go.” Adam’s whispered conversation wakes me as he parks his Escalade in my driveway and turns off the ignition. As I open one eye slowly, I find him in a thoughtful state, his face troubled and weary. My promise to stay awake to keep him company was soon forgotten by the time we hit the Merritt Parkway when I curled up and fell asleep, midsentence.

  “Who was that?” I ask quietly, my voice laced with concern, not wanting to wake the kids who have been asleep the entire time.

  “Hmmm?” Adam hums, snapping out of his reverie.

  “The call. Who were you talking to?” I ask again, shifting my body to face him so he can see that I mean business. Suddenly, I feel uneasy again. It was the same feeling I had when I asked him about the constant phone calls he had taken over the weekend, even excusing himself from the table to walk outside to speak privately. I mean, really, unless you’re a doctor on call, who takes a business call right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner? Although his tight smile and a kiss on the forehead attempted to appease me, my returned eye roll let him know that I was not happy with him.

  “Business. Like always.” His strong hands reach up to scrub his face and scratch his beard, loudly exhaling a deep breath before turning to me. “Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that I would do anything to protect you and the kids?”

  I nod and grab his head, kissing him hard. “Yes, baby. I know.” Brown eyes search brown eyes, looking for some clue. I hear his words, I feel his lips, but I can’t help feel a sense of unease and foreboding. Adam isn’t being completely honest with me, he’s keeping secrets. Jealousy and insecurity have joined forces and are raising their ugly head, taunting and teasing without mercy.

  Adam opens the trunk and gets my suitcase out before he leaves. We decide that it’s probably a good idea that he go back to his own place tonight so the kids can sleep comfortably in their own beds and rest a little bit more before school in the morning. With one last kiss, I wave goodbye as he leaves.

  I yawn and wipe the sleep out of my eyes, squinting carefully to look at the side of the SUV. I smile when I realize that Maddie is awake, looking at me. Her tiny, curled fingers press against the glass, waving at me, a sad smile mars her beautiful face. Before I can raise my hand to wave back or blow her a kiss, she’s gone. Just like my dream. Or rather my nightmare.

  Brady runs over to me when I unlock the back door. Mrs. Longo’s kind offer to bring him home earlier was welcomed. I sit in the Adirondack chair to wait while Brady tends to his canine business for the last time for the evening. My eyes are heavy and they close, but I bolt into an upright position when barking in the woods startles me. Goosebumps cover my skin, the hair at the nape of my neck stands to attention. Darkness prevents me from seeing anything between the tall pine trees, but I have a sense that someone or something is watching me. Standing up, I scan the vast yard, looking for any sign of life. The Longo’s house is dark except for the back porch light and the light above the kitchen window, casting a shadow through the thick shrubs lining the driveway. Mrs. Longo told me once that her husband has a tendency to come down in the middle of the night to get a drink and sit on the back porch. She said some nights his mind won’t rest, he’s always thinking about the past. I’d never sleep if I did that.

  I call to Brady who is nowhere in sight, but from a far distance down by the lake, I can hear his vicious, protective bark. His growl reveals that he must be getting annoyed with all this wildlife crossing his territory, gathering what they need for a long New England winter.

  I wait and I wait and I wait some more. When he finally comes trotting into the yard, he looks agitated, not like my happy-go-lucky dog. A visit to the vet is a must because I think he could use a little Prozac, too. These little critters are driving him crazy. Brady and I crawl into my neatly made, cool, lonely bed. I miss Adam. I can’t remember the last time I slept without his warm, hard body entangled with mine.

  “Love you more,” I respond to his sweet text before drifting off to sleep. I’m starting dream number two when Brady’s deep growl wakes me. The dim garage light filters into my bedroom, casting just enough light to help me find Brady’s head. I pat his head, shushing him, telling him it’s just the rabbits and raccoons.

  THE HUSTLE AND BUSTLE of Christmas is upon us, drawing shoppers into the malls for great deals and the latest ridiculously overpriced gadgets. Father Winter and Jack Frost have come out to play, each bringing their fair share of snow and ice, as usual. Red, green, silver and gold adorn every hallway and classroom display, letters to Santa are written, each child detailing their Christmas list.

  Maddie and Luke have each chosen a name from the “Giving Tree” displayed in the foyer of our school. I’ve been delegated as Christmas shopper since Adam, who has grown even more agitated since Thanksgiving, finds himself working longer days, traveling often outside of the state for business meetings. With his frequent absences, the kids and I eat dinner without him and my bed becomes cold and lonely. I feel like a single mother to his children.

  After dealing with impatient drivers on the highway, I park the Jeep in the packed parking lot of one of our state’s biggest malls. Don’t ask me why I thought this was a good idea. Frantic shoppers flock in multitudes. Christmas spirit and good cheer are replaced by greed and rudeness. The kids promise to stay close by, each having to hold my hand as we navigate through the sea of people. Finding the perfect gift for the children whom, without the help of the “Giving Tree” would have no gifts at all, was no easy task, but we manage to escape unscathed.

  I let the kids decide where they’d like to eat lunch. Lights flash, thunder rumbles, gorillas beat their chests as we dine at the Rainforest Café. My texts to Adam have gone unanswered all morning. That’s not like him. As brief as his responses of “Can’t talk”
or “In a meeting” are, it’s better than being met with absolute silence.

  With our bellies full and legs tired, we can’t wait to get home and relax. Luke has been a trooper— I don’t know many boys who can endure a day of shopping without a single complaint. Maddie is as happy as a clam just to be with me.

  Exiting the restaurant bathroom, I pull the heavy door open, laughing at the silly antics performed by this adorable seven year old. The weight of the door is eased as I come face to face with a pair of angry blue eyes which dart quickly from my face to Maddie’s. It’s a standoff—one of us will have to move so the other can get by. Maddie’s hand slips into mine. Maybe it’s a sign of solidarity—us against them.

  “Mom! Hurry up. I need to go,” Sophie pipes up from behind her mother.

  I feel Maddie shift her body to stand behind me, shielding herself from Gina’s lethal glare.

  “Excuse us.” I step to the side to let them through.

  With an audible huff, Gina saunters in with Sophie in tow. No “thank you.” No nothing.

  The soft voice of this normally quiet little girl surprises me. “That was not nice, Gina. You should say thank you.”

  “What did you say to me?” Gina’s head whips around and snarls with narrowed eyes focused solely on Madison while Sophie dashes into an empty stall.

  “Nothing,” I retort quickly.

  “How dare you! After everything I did for you!” Her manicured nail points down at Maddie.

  “Drop it, Gina. She’s seven!”

  “You, little shit! Do you have any idea what I’ve done for you?”

  I step in front of Gina when she tries to get close to Madison. With my chin lifted high, I stand tall defiantly. “Leave her alone, Gina.”

  She doesn’t move, standing there frozen with contempt across her face.