Giving In to You

by L. M. Carr

  “Back. The. Hell. Up. Now.” I whisper through gritted teeth as I step in closer so our faces are only a few inches apart. I am in mother bear mode, all my defenses up and ready to attack. Do not mess with my family. I’m well aware that Maddie isn’t my kid, she’s Adam’s daughter, but I will defend and protect her as if she were my own.

  “Mommy, I need help,” Sophie calls from the stall, but Gina doesn’t move to help her daughter.

  Gina snorts. “You hear that? ‘Mommy.’ Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

  I pull Maddie back into the restaurant with me before unshed tears fall. I will never let that bitch hurt me again.

  Luke waits patiently by the men’s restroom, looking at the wishing well, lost in thought. “Can I have a quarter?” Luke asks before adding, “Please.”

  “Uh, sure, bud.” I reach into my wallet to get a coin. “Sorry, I don’t have any quarters. Will a penny do?” He looks at it and asks if I have a dime or a nickel. I’m not sure what’s going on in that little head of his, but I oblige and give him a dime. I give Maddie the other dime, but she asks for a penny. I love these kids, but sometimes, they’re a little strange. “Sure, honey. Here.” I hand it to her and watch as she closes her eyes, tossing the penny in. Her face lights with a bright smile that would rival the star on a Christmas tree.

  I settle our bill; I notice the two texts that came in from Adam while we were in the bathroom.

  AL: Meeting is running late. Be home later.

  AL: Love you.

  I toss my phone into my bag, too annoyed to answer him now. I won’t be responsible for my words if I do.

  The traffic is a little lighter since all the Christmas shoppers have gone for the day, possibly preparing for a night of frenzied wrapping and labeling. As I wait at the traffic light at the four way intersection, a black Escalade slowly comes to a stop and sits across from me on the opposite side of the road.

  My heart drops from my chest to my stomach. A lump the size of Texas forms in my throat, my knuckles turning white as I grip the steering wheel. I swallow hard and pray that my eyes are deceiving me, that I’ve just eaten some bad chicken and am having a hallucination. But I know that my eyes are working perfectly fine. I know that Adam is sitting opposite me in his Escalade. I also know that Adam is not alone. Seated in the passenger seat is a woman. It’s the tall, blonde woman from the bar the night Shelby met Adam for the first time. It’s Nora. Even though it’s been months and I’ve only seen her once, her sharp, platinum blonde bob and pretty face are unmistakable. In a meeting my ass! Oh, Adam Lawson...you, my friend, have just fucked up!

  I will him to look at me, to make our eyes meet so he knows that I know he’s fucked up. I put the Jeep in park, sprint across the intersection, avoiding being run over by several cars, and stand before the SUV. Our eyes meet—bull to matador. I walk deliberately to his window, bang a closed fist and demand that he step out. I look past him into the car and I see their hands are laced together and he’s drawing reassuring circles on her hand, just like he does to mine. My eyes are transfixed as his body leans over the console to whisper something before he places a chaste kiss on her lips. He turns and opens the door to face me.

  “Mia, I’m sorry. We were going to tell you.” The words that Dylan had used to justify his actions are now being said by Adam. My heart explodes in my chest. This man, whom I love and trust implicitly, is shattering me. “Why, Adam?” I step up to him, getting within an inch of his traitorous lips. “How could you do this to me? To us?” Adam’s lips begin to move, but I can’t understand the words, his lies and excuses for breaking my heart which will no doubt cause irreparable damage. All I can hear is the pounding and cracking of my heart and the desperate scream that emanates from deep within. I slap him hard across his face and beat against his chest. I will never recover from this. My legs crumble, unable to bear my weight and I fall to my knees. Adam doesn’t offer to help me nor does he wrap those strong arms around me to embrace me. Instead, he looks at me with pity in his eyes. He steps around me to collect his children from the back seat of my Jeep. Kneeling in the middle of the intersection with cars whizzing by, I watch Adam take my life away.

  “HEY! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…” My eyes flick up and look into the rearview mirror as Madison and Luke’s singing brings me back to reality. When I look straight ahead to where Adam is, I can only see the red rear lights and the right turn signal flashing as he enters the highway. A quick “beep beep” draws my eyes up to look into the rearview mirror and then back to the traffic light which is now green. I offer a courtesy “sorry” wave and proceed. I blink away the tears and I take cleansing, calming breaths.

  Why would he lie to me and say that he’s in a meeting? Where was he going with her? Is he cheating on me? Why would he always tell me how much he loves me and claim that the kids and I are his life? These questions and a million more swirl around my head like snowflakes during cold New England blizzard.

  Would he take these kids away from me? What am I going to do?

  AFTER MAKING A LIGHT dinner, and getting the kids showered and ready for bed, we sit, snuggled together, on the soft leather couch in Adam’s living room watching Rudolph the Red Nosed-Reindeer and wait for their father to get home.

  While the original plan was to stay at my house that night, I decided that if Adam was going to admit to his infidelity and break things off, it would be best if the kids were at least already at their own home. It’s not their fault their father is a douche bag.

  The sound of a door opening wakes me, my eyes darting around the living room before reaching for my phone to check the time. 11:25. What the hell? I am careful not to wake the kids whose arms are draped across me. A movement draws my attention toward the doorway. Adam stands there leaning against the frame, arms crossed at his chest, his face somber, clothes wrinkled and untucked. His dark hair looks like fingers have been running through it—he looks like he’s been thoroughly fucked. Our eyes meet and in that moment, I am fearful of what is going to happen. He doesn’t look happy to see me. In fact, apprehension tarnishes his face. I know what he’s going to say. He’s going to tell me that he loves Nora and he always has. She’s good for him, good for the kids. What is it with these men and blonde women?

  He walks slowly into the room, stopping at the couch, looking at the three of us entangled. “Hi,” is the only word he says. One word? I get one fucking word? Picking up Luke’s limp body, he carries him upstairs to his Superhero-themed bedroom. “Hey, buddy. Shhh…it’s okay...I’ve got you.”

  I follow suit with Maddie in my arms, her little body, covered in red and green polka dotted flannel, is so warm and comforting. I pull the covers back, lay her down gently and tuck her into her pretty pink bed. “Good night, sweetie.” I kiss her forehead and smile at the dark-haired angel in front of me.

  “I love you,” she whispers before turning over onto her side, curling her body into fetal position.

  “And I love you.”

  I know the end is near, I can feel it. Everything I’ve ever wanted is going to be taken from me. Again. It’s going to be so much harder because now I know exactly what I’m losing.

  Adam waits for me outside Madison’s room and holds his hand out for me. I want to take it. I really do. But I think back to what I imagined. Adam’s fingers laced with hers, rubbing circles, reaching over to cup her face, Adam touching her in private places.

  He waits for me to take his outstretched hand, a questioning look on his face. Is he serious? He’s been gone all day, it’s 11 o’clock at night. Does he not think that I would be wary of him?

  “Come here. I need you.” He needs me? What could he possibly need me for when he’s got Miss Tall, Curvy Blonde? He pushes off the wall, stepping in to close the gap between us. Long arms entrap me, circling around my back, pulling me against his chest. His face nuzzles into my neck, inhaling deeply. My arms don’t move, they are defiant, choosing to remain by my side. It’s my turn to
inhale deeply. I relish the feel of him, of his body on mine. He smells like he always does—there’s no hint of perfume from his earlier rendezvous with the blonde.

  “What’s wrong?” he asks immediately, concern in his voice.

  I swallow hard.

  “Mia, what’s wrong?” he asks again when he’s met with silence. “Baby, are you okay? Are the kids okay?” My face is cupped in his hand as he searches my eyes.

  Finally, I speak. “Where have you been?” I ask. I need to be strong. Breaking down into tears is not an option.

  “Oh my God, it was such a long fucking day. I’m exhausted.” He steps back and scrubs his eyes and face.

  “I asked where you were not how your day was.” My words have a bite to them, making his eyes flash up to mine.

  “What?” he asks confused with a hint of anger.

  “It’s a simple question, Adam. Where have you been all day?” I retort.

  “Where do you think I’ve been all day?”

  Oh no! He’s not going to pull that crap of asking a question instead of answering mine.

  “I don’t think. I know you were driving around with that blonde in your car.”

  His eyes widen in surprise.

  “Nora, is it? I saw you with her.” I step away from him.

  “Dad?” Luke calls from his room.

  “Don’t move,” Adam commands before he walks into Luke’s room. I can hear him whisper reassuring words to his son.

  After he closes the door, Adam looks flustered. He looks like a guilty man. Oh, maybe that’s because he is!

  “Come downstairs.”

  “Are you going to answer my question?” I ask, not moving a single step.

  “Downstairs. Now.”

  I don’t want to follow him or to hear his excuses. I want to pull out my shield of armor to protect my heart from the words of lies and deceit that he’s going to hurl at me.

  I follow him into the kitchen where he opens the refrigerator and pulls out leftover chicken pot pie and pops it into the microwave. I stand quietly against the cold granite counter, waiting for him to speak. The only sound in the room comes from the hot plate rotating in the microwave until the beep indicates that his food is ready.

  This isn’t how things were supposed to be. Part of me wants to immediately forgive him for reverting to his old ways when he’s stressed out or the pressures of life are too much. But fuck that shit! That’s a piss poor excuse! I will never be that person again. The person who sees the signs, but chooses to ignore them and who is then left shattered in the process. Nope, not me! Never again.

  “This is good,” he says with a mouthful of chicken.

  “This is good?” Really, Adam? That’s what you choose to say.

  I stare at him as he eats in silence, waiting for him to say something more.

  He eats. I wait.

  Finally, he stands up and puts his dish in the dishwasher before sitting in the middle of the leather couch. I don’t want to sit next to him, but I’m left with no choice so I stand instead.

  “Sit with me, Mia.” He pats the vacant spot between us. “We need to talk.”

  Oh, God! I am not prepared for the words he’s about to say. Why did he pursue me? Why did he make me fall in love with him? Why would he let me fall in love with his kids only to tear them away?

  “Just say it, Adam. Just fucking say it.” Say whatever you need to so I can leave and go back to my oblivion. In this moment, I hate him. I hate him so much. After everything we’ve been through, I can’t believe that he’s going to rip my heart out like this.

  “I fucked up. I never meant to hurt you.” Adam sits forward and leans with his elbows on his knees, his head bowed in shame. A shiver runs through my body like an electric current.

  Even if I wanted to speak, I can’t.

  “I’ve made some really, really bad choices. I don’t know how I let things get so out of control.” He sounds broken, remorseful even.

  “Please sit with me. I need you.” He doesn’t even have to decency to sound embarrassed. He fucks another woman and has the audacity to ask me to sit with him and tell me that he needs me? Who is this man in front of me? He looks like Adam, but he’s not. My Adam would never do this to me.

  I stand there for what seems like forever, just watching him as his shoulders sag further and he buries his face in his hands. “Oh, God. Oh, God,” he mutters repeatedly. “So fucking stupid. If only I could change the things I’ve done.”

  I love this man. I love this man with every fiber of my being. To stand here and not help him is more than I can bear. Yes, he’s been unfaithful and yes, he’s broken my heart, but I love him. Plain and simple.

  Walking to him, I drop to my knees in front of him and pull his hands away from his face to find his dark eyes troubled. Instinctively, his hands cup my face and he leans forward to kiss me. I turn away. The hold on my face becomes firmer as he pulls me in to gently kiss me.

  “Adam, stop.” I feel the tears coming forth, I shake them away. I won’t let him see how he’s broken me.

  “Baby, I can’t lose you.” The pads of his thumb wipe away at the tears that have spilled. “I’ll die without you.”

  “How could you do this to me?” My chin quivers. “How could you do this to us?”

  He searches my eyes pensively. “I don’t know how things got so fucked up. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” How do you accidently put your dick in the wrong vagina? What did he think would happen?

  “I never thought things would get this complicated. I didn’t mean to drag you into the middle of this.” Middle of this? Him and Nora? He’s been carrying on with Nora the whole time? I’m the other woman? Are there others? Maybe Gina was telling the truth about there being others.

  It doesn’t escape me that he’s not answering my questions. It’s like he’s having a conversation with himself.

  “Answers. I need answers, Adam.” My knees hurt, but when I shift my weight to sit on my ass, Adam pulls me up to sit on his lap. I can’t look at him even though he’s staring at me.

  “God, I don’t even know where to start.”

  “You can start by telling me why you lied about Nora. Tell me how long you’ve been sleeping with her.” I’m surprised by the confidence in my voice.

  Adam’s back stiffens and he gasps, “What?”

  The fact that he has the nerve to sound offended nearly kills me. Did he think I wouldn’t ask? Is he surprised that it took me this long to figure it out?

  “You heard me,” I snap.

  “What are you talking about?” My shoulders are pushed back, angled so he can look directly in my face.

  “I know about you and Nora.”

  “Is that what you think? That I’ve been fucking around with Nora?” he asks with a humorous tone.

  I don’t find anything remotely funny. Not one single bit. “She calls you all the time. You run when she calls and you said you were in a meeting today, but you lied. You were out and about with her. I saw you. Please don’t try to deny it. Give me some fucking credit.” I struggle to get out of his arms.

  He laughs. I mean, “throw your head back” laughs before pushing my hair back away from my face. “Baby, I’m not sleeping with Nora or anyone else. I love you.” His words sound sincere, but I’m still cautious.

  “You’re not?” I ask incredulously, eyeing him suspiciously.

  “No, baby, I’m not. But there is something that you need to know. Come have a bath with me and I’ll tell you everything.”

  AS FAR AWAY FROM Adam as I can possibly get, I sit on the edge of the oversized tub. I want to look at his face, to detect any hints of deceit as he tells me everything I need to hear.

  “I wish you would sit closer to me.” His hand reaches out and caresses my bare leg.

  “I can’t...” I pull my leg away, just out of his reach.

  He takes a deep breath and begins. “Okay, so you already know that I met Chris in college and that we do business together
. That’s how I met Gina and the rest of the family.” I do know this, but it doesn’t explain how we are in this situation with Nora.

  “They had given me some pretty lucrative jobs and I’ve made a lot of money with them. I guess deep down, I had my suspicions about some of the deals but turned a blind eye. It wasn’t until more recently that Chris suggested I start another business where he could hide his family’s money. He said no one would suspect anything because my name is clean.” The thought of that family’s money makes my stomach turn because I can only imagine where the money that my mother got came from. I’ll never touch that money, it’s blood money.

  I think about all the uncles that always hung around Gina’s house when we were growing up. They always seemed a little shady to me even though I was just a kid. My dad used to make me wait in the car sometimes instead of letting me go in to play with Gina.

  “At first, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I was young and stupid.” Adam rolls his eyes and shakes his head at the thought.

  “Can you just get to the part about Nora?” I ask impatiently as I lower myself into the bathwater.

  “I’m getting there…About a year and a half ago, my company was audited by the IRS. I had everything in order so I wasn’t really concerned. But when they asked me to produce the invoices, bank statements, and tax returns for the second company, I couldn’t. Obviously.”

  “So your company was just a front for Chris’ money?” He’s right. He was stupid to get involved with their shady business.

  “Chris wanted me to close up shop and open up under a different name, but I wouldn’t do it. It wasn’t just me anymore—I had my kids at this point. I was approached by a federal agent who was part of a team investigating Chris for illegal activities with ties to corruption in New York. Money laundering, bribery, coercion, gambling, prostitution. You name it, he did it.”

  My eyes rounded like giant gumballs. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

  I pull my knees in and wrap my arms around them, listening intently, hanging onto every single word.