SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  My heart constricts at how abrupt his text message is. Have I upset him? I sit there and stare at the screen for some time, wondering whether or not to answer him back. In the end, I leave it, thinking if he is upset with me, then he needs time to cool off. Either way, I shouldn’t let it upset me in the way that it is. For some reason, though, I can’t help it.

  Jarrod Walker

  I’m such a fucking dick. I did it again! I swear my mouth—or in this case my fingers—reacted before my brain engaged. It’s like she brings out all of the best and worst parts of me, and I just can’t help myself.

  I sit for a while, wondering if I should text back and apologize. If I don’t, I might lose her. I weigh up the options and text her, but I don’t hear back. It’s after midnight, so I figure she’s probably asleep.

  As I throw the phone on my bed and get up to grab another beer for myself, the doorbell rings. I tense, wondering who the fuck it could be. Most people aren’t aware I’m here, and those who are aware know to stay away. Quick as a flash, I shut the fridge door and head for my nightstand to grab my 9mm. I walk slowly towards the door and look outside.

  Shit! It’s Charlotte.

  I place the gun in the back of my jeans and open up immediately. She looks sad and frustrated, but it doesn’t stop my mouth from running away with me.

  “What the fuck are you doing here? You know not to come here.” I usher her in and look behind her to make sure no one followed her up the stairs to my apartment. “How did you get here anyway?” I ask, shutting the door behind me.

  “I drove. Don’t worry; no one followed me.”

  I suck in a deep breath as my anger rises further. “You shouldn’t be out this fucking late. You know how I feel about your safety.”

  She raises her hand up. “It’s okay. I was in the car the whole time. I’m safe.” She places her hand on my mine. “I promise.” I see the vulnerability in her eyes, and my heart immediately melts.

  “Come here,” I say, bringing her in for a hug. She smells just how I remember. “I missed you.”

  I hear her breathe in my scent, and I know she feels more relaxed now that’s she’s in my arms. When she pulls away, she has tears in her eyes. “I missed you too. That’s why I’m here.”

  Concern grips my insides. “Is something wrong? Has something happened to you? If anyone’s fucking dared to—”

  She shakes her head, cutting me off, and wanders into my living room. “No, I just wanted to see you. I haven’t heard from you in a while.”

  “That’s because I’ve been busy.”

  Her eyebrow rises. “With her?”

  I sigh. “Yes … and no.”

  “When was the last time you saw her?”

  “Do we have to get into this now?”

  Her face looks stern. “When?”

  I sigh. “Tonight.”

  She stares at me for a moment, and I can’t for the life of me imagine what the fuck she’s thinking. “Are you falling for her?”

  “No,” I say, a little too quickly.

  “Jarrod, for fuck’s sake! I thought you knew what you were doing?!”

  I nod my head. “I do. Don’t question my methods, Charlotte. I know exactly what I’m doing. I have her right where I want her. She’s putty in my hands.” She looks at me again like she’s scrutinizing me. “Is this all you came here for? To rib me about seeing Lily? To accuse me of falling for her when all I’m doing is exactly what we discussed? You wanted me to get close to her. I’m about as close as I can get. I plan on getting even closer—if everyone would just leave me the fuck alone.” I sigh, feeling like shit. “Sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

  Charlotte sits down on my black leather sofa and stares at my beer. “Can I get one of those?”

  I shake my head. “You’re driving, so no.”

  She throws her hands in the air. “You’re so fucking overprotective at times. One beer won’t do any harm.”

  I try in vain to steady my breathing, but it’s no use. I’m riled up. “I almost lost you once. I refuse to take the chance of losing you for real. Do you hear me?” Tears immediately prick her eyes, making me feel like such a cunt.

  “Don’t bring that up again.”

  I close my eyes on a sigh.

  How can I make everything okay for her?

  If I could wipe that day away, I would, but I can’t. It forever haunts the both of us. That is one day we will never, ever, get back again.

  I take a sip of my beer and sit down next to her. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry. Come here.” I motion for her to move into my arms, and she scoots up, accepting what little comfort I can offer.

  “I love you,” she whispers on a little sob.

  I kiss her head. “I love you too. Don’t ever fucking forget that. Everything I do now, I do for us. Do you understand that?” I feel her nod her head in my arms, and I can’t help the guilt that creeps up inside of me. I went into this with my eyes wide open. I knew what I had to do. I planned to lure Lily in and make her trust me. I fully intended to go through with the plan of tainting that innocent heart of hers. What I didn’t expect was to feel the way I did when I was with her. What I didn’t expect was to feel … what was the word Lily used? Alive? That’s right. She said she felt alive with me. I guess I’m getting a little glimpse into how that feels when I’m with her too. I do feel different, and I have been letting my emotions get the better of me. Now, with Charlotte in my arms, I can’t help but feel I’ve betrayed her.

  I’m really the only person she has left.

  As I contemplate this and more, I decide that I need to man up and make this work for Charlotte’s sake. I can’t lose focus just because some little girl bats her eyelashes at me.

  I shake my head on a sigh. “Fucking pussy,” I whisper.

  “What?” Charlotte asks, lifting her head to look at me.

  I smile. “Nothing.” I kiss her head and nudge her. “Come on. It’s late. I’ll follow you home in the car.”

  She lets out a frustrated sigh. “Jarrod, I can—”

  I cut her off immediately. “I’m not letting you go home alone at night … even if it is in your car. Now, let’s get going. You need your rest.”

  It’s late afternoon on Monday, and I’m just walking back from the library. I like walking as it gives my head a chance to process and clear. I was upset on Saturday night with J’s text message, but at least I woke up to an apology in the morning. I haven’t heard from him since, however. I feel a little apprehensive as to why.

  Once I’m at my door, I see there is no lily waiting for me. I didn’t expect one because I knew I would get back after my parents did today. If he was still watching me, then he would know that too.

  As I step through the door, I hear my parents having a heated discussion. When I hear my name mentioned, I stand dead still and listen.

  “Jack, if we do this, it’s going to crush her. We both know she’s expecting a car for her birthday.” I frown, biting my lip. I wouldn’t have expected this sudden news to be as upsetting to me as it is.

  “I know, honey. It’s not like I’m saying no. I’m just saying to wait until we get back from Montana. She’s doing okay without it now, and she won’t need it once she graduates… Not before she goes to college anyway. All I’m asking is to wait until a couple of weeks after we get back. I should know how much of a bonus I’m getting from work by that point, and then we can get her something more special. Do you see what I’m saying?”

  I hear her sigh. “I know what you’re saying, but our daughter’s never been that type of girl.”

  “I know. Why do you think I want to do it this way? I want it to be a nice surprise for her. Lily is expecting a secondhand car, but she deserves better. I’ve actually looked online already, and I know just the car to get for her. Here, let me show you.” I hear footsteps and wonder how long I should stand here before making my presence known. “What do you think? It’s won safety awards and everything. She will be perf
ectly safe in this. Another major plus is that it won’t need to have any work done on it for a while since it will be brand new. It also gets fifty mpg, so it’s very economical.”

  I grit my teeth, wishing in one sense that I could see what car it is, but also in another wishing my dad wouldn’t go to all this trouble. I don’t want him spending money on me for my birthday if he doesn’t have it, but I also don’t want him spending his hard-earned cash on a brand new car for me once he does have it. It’s too much.

  Without another thought, I shut the door loudly enough for my parents to hear. “Is anyone home?” I shout.

  My mom quickly appears in the hallway—so quickly it makes me jump. “Sorry I startled you, darling. Is everything okay?” She looks guilty. I know why, but I’m not going to let her know I know what’s going on.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just doing a little reading at the library. I feel nice and relaxed now.” I smile brightly and make my way towards the stairs. As I do, I have a thought. “Oh, Mom,” I say, turning, “I was thinking about my birthday today, and I was wondering if it would be okay if I just got a Kindle?”

  She frowns. “But I thought you loved reading paperback books?”

  “I do. It’s just that Christine has one, and it stores thousands of books on there. I don’t want anything fancy. Just the standard one is more than enough for me.” I give her a smirk. “I just thought I would get into the twenty-first century a bit more. I hope you don’t mind?”

  As I ask this, my dad appears with a bright smile on his face. “We don’t mind at all. Do we, Jack?”

  Dad shakes his head. “Of course not. But what about a car?”

  I see my mom stiffen in my dad’s arms, so I put them out of their misery right away. “There’s no hurry for that. When we get back from Montana, I can start a summer job. I’m sure I can save enough cash to buy myself something decent. I have some savings as it is. I think I need another thousand or so, and I should be set. You guys are doing enough by getting me through college. I don’t want you to spend too much money on me. A car on top would be way too much.”

  My mom’s eyes glisten, and my dad smiles proudly at me. “We’re so lucky to have you, do you know that?” my dad asks.

  I shrug my shoulders. “I just don’t want you to feel like I’m taking advantage. I know you guys have money, but that doesn’t mean you should spend it all on me. It wouldn’t be fair.”

  My mom walks over and grabs my arm. “You’re worth it all and more.”

  I place my other hand on hers. “I know you feel that way, but I’m just happy that I have a family that loves me. You can’t buy that stuff.”

  My mother sniffles and shakes her head. “No, you sure can’t.”

  I point upstairs, so I can let them have some alone time now that I’ve let them off the hook a little. “I just need to get a quick shower before dinner. Do you need me for anything before I go?”

  She shakes her head, so I make my way upstairs. Just as I’m about to close the door, I hear my father talking softly to my mother. “I promise I will fix this once we’re back from Montana. Okay?” I don’t hear anything else. I don’t want to. I’ve already snooped and invaded their privacy enough as it is.

  As I shut the door, I’m about to head into the shower when my phone starts ringing. I run back and glance down at the screen. It’s Christine. I answer with a brief hi.

  “I didn’t see much of you today.”

  “Max gave me a ride to the library as usual.”

  “Of course. I just wanted to talk to you about him.” By him, I know she’s referring to the man I now know as “J.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Yeah. You’ve been really quiet about him lately. I was just wondering if you’ve heard from him at all. Is he still in contact?” I go silent for a moment, wondering how to answer. “Lily, your silence speaks volumes. When?” When I don’t answer right away, she sighs. “Do I have to come over there?”

  “No, it’s okay. I’m going to be having dinner shortly anyway. I saw him on Saturday night.”

  “Saturday night?!” she screeches. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me? I could have come with you.”

  “I just wanted to be alone with him.”

  “Shit, you really are falling for him, aren’t you?”

  “I am not!” I realize through the sound of my voice just how much it sounds as though I’m protesting a bit too much.

  “Lily …”

  “I know what you’re going to say.”

  “I’m just looking out for you. That’s all. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t?”

  I smile at her comment. “I know, and I appreciate it. It’s just that he hasn’t given me any reason to stay away from him. He keeps telling me that I’m safe with him … that he won’t harm me.”

  I hear her snort. “That’s what all the psycho killers say.” I’m about to respond when she speaks again. “So, what did you talk about this time? Other than him telling you that you’re safe with him I mean.”

  Again, I don’t want to talk about our time together. I just feel that it’s none of anyone’s business. “Not much,” I say, trying to brush her off.

  “So, all you two do is make out?”

  I smirk. “Kind of.”

  “Have you gone past second base?”

  I sigh. “We haven’t even been past first base yet.”

  She gasps. “What’s wrong with him?”

  “Nothing!” I say defensively. “He’s just being a gentleman, that’s all. He knows how old I am and doesn’t want to push it.”

  She starts laughing. “A would-be gentleman stalker. How charming.”

  I smirk. “Shut up.”

  She laughs some more. “Okay, okay. We’ll stop talking about him for now. Are you ready for your birthday party? It’s not too far away now. Only five days. Eeek!” she screeches. I have to pull the phone away from my ear to keep my eardrum from bursting.

  “I am, but I’m a little pissed that Max won’t tell me what’s going on. He says he doesn’t want me to worry about anything.”

  “Ah, he’s just spoiling you. He’s still smitten as a kitten,” she teases.

  I smile. “Yes, but he knows I don’t feel the same way.”

  “Hmm,” she ponders. “I bet if your mystery stalker turned up, you would give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  “You and I both know that would be impossible considering where we’re going to be.”

  “Yes, but he will know how old you are once you get back. I bet first base will be long gone after that.”

  The thought sends shivers of excitement up my spine. I’ve been hoping for a little more than first base ever since he touched me in the bathroom that first night. It’s stupid, considering I’m still a virgin and have no clue as to who he is. Even so, I have never craved anyone as much as I do him.

  Is it because of the mystery? Is it because all of my senses are heightened when I’m around him and robbed of my sight, thus having no clue as to what he looks like? Will I be put off once I do see him?

  That last thought makes me feel shallow. Of course not. No matter what, it’s how he makes me feel inside that matters—not what he looks like. Maybe what I’m really worried about is that once I see him, all of that mystery surrounding him will be gone, and I don’t know what will take its place.

  Will I lose the excitement I now feel? A big part of me doesn’t think so, but I have no clue as to how I’m supposed to feel. I’m barely eighteen. I haven’t even lived yet. I’m only just scratching the surface.

  “Lily, are you there?”

  I come back to the here and now with a thump. “Yes, sorry. I was just thinking about what you said.”

  “About going past first base?”

  I bite my lip. “Yep.”

  “Would you?”

  “What?”

  “Would you let him?” she presses.

  I think I know in my heart of hearts the answer to that question, but I don’
t know if I want to divulge that to her. It’s too private. “I don’t know,” I hedge, and I know my voice makes me sound unsure.

  “I knew it! You would. And as well you should, you little slut.”

  I gasp. “Christine!”

  She starts laughing. “I’m only teasing, babes. You do whatever you feel is right. Listen to your gut, but please, whatever you decide, be careful.”

  I hear the concern in her voice, and it makes me smile. “I will. Promise.”

  This is it! I’m finally eighteen!

  I’ve just woken up on the boat, and I have no clue as to where we are.

  As soon as we finished school, we all headed home to get ready. We then took off to the airport to catch our flight. Once on board Max’s brother’s extravagant boat, Max just set sail, and now we’re in the middle of nowhere. I kind of like that idea.

  Home has been a little awkward lately. I’m not sure just how much my mom and dad are talking right now, and I feel guilty, thinking it’s because of me. They’re over the moon about Elle, though. We went out for dinner to celebrate on Tuesday night, and all went well. Elle brought Paul with her, and whatever problems they’d been having weren’t apparent that night. I asked her if she was okay, and she said she was doing better. I hope that means they have patched things up, but we haven’t been alone since, so I haven’t been able to ask her yet.

  As I stretch my limbs, I yawn and immediately check my phone. I still haven’t heard from J, and it’s unnerving. Is he still mad at me? I shake my head at my insecurity.

  Why should I care? He is the one stalking me!

  I laugh at the thought. I shouldn’t want him to want me, but I do. If I’m being completely honest, I miss him. I just can’t understand how he could apologize and then disappear as if what was said or done didn’t actually happen.

  I hear a big bang on my door. “Wake up, birthday girl! I have a surprise for you.”

  I smile. It’s Christine. “Okay, come in.” She breezes in, carrying a tray full of goodies. My eyes widen as I check out the abundance of food. I see toast, croissants, butter, jams, coffee, and if all of that wasn’t enough—strawberries. “Wow, you’ve really gone all out!”