SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  “What? Like drinking beer at parties?”

  I laugh. “Well, I know I bent the rules a little, but I never once got drunk. I have always liked to be in control of everything.” I chuckle again. “That’s kind of rich when you think about everything I let you do to me. I’m never in control when you’re near me.”

  “I beg to differ.”

  I practically roll my eyes at his statement. “You say that, but you’re the one who can see me. You’re the one who knows everything about me.”

  “Yes, but didn’t I say that you were the one who made the decisions about us? You were the one in control with regards to whether we ended things or not.”

  I look around the white walls of my room and wonder if he’s poking fun at me. “How can I end things now if you’re keeping me prisoner here?”

  “Do you want to end it?” I close my eyes, wondering if I can. At the moment, he’s the only person I have. Out there, all I know is emptiness. I have nothing and no one waiting for me. Even my friends will all be away now. I can’t think of anyone who will be looking for me. Once they do realize we were a family of four, they will probably put two and two together and assume I was washed away downstream … never to be seen again. The thought gives me shivers. “What are you thinking?”

  I open my eyes again and stare blankly at the walls. “I’m wondering… If I said yes, would you would let me go?”

  He sighs. “Yes, and you would never have to see me again.”

  That thought panics me more. I can’t understand the reasoning behind my thoughts. All I know is that now, he is in my life, and I would be lost without him. “I don’t want that.”

  “Then you shall stay. I know I haven’t given you a reason to trust me yet, but I promise you that keeping you here is keeping you safe. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

  I frown. “You keep saying that, but you won’t explain what you’re talking about.”

  “Believe me: If I could tell you now, I would. At the moment, you need to heal and get your strength back up. You’re going to need it once you know.” I hear his frustrated sigh before he talks again. “I need you to promise me something.”

  I snort. “That’s rich coming from—”

  “I’m being serious, Lily. There are things you don’t know. Things that would devastate you if you knew. I just want you to promise me that it won’t let you change who you are. I don’t want you to end up like me.”

  I run my hands through my hair in frustration. I can’t understand what he’s talking about. “Every time you give me something, I get more and more frustrated. Why can’t you just tell me?”

  “It’s complicated, and I don’t want you under any more stress than you are now. Besides, I don’t think you’re ready yet to learn the secrets that you’ve been kept in the dark about for so long.” He pauses a moment. “You have to promise me you won’t let the knowledge change you. I see the goodness in you, and I don’t want that to be tainted.” He sighs again like that last thought angers him.

  “How can I know how I will react if you won’t let me in on these ‘secrets’ as you call them?”

  “I know it’s a lot to ask, but I need you to trust me on this.”

  I sigh. “You keep saying that.”

  “I know, but I need you to realize that I’m not the enemy here.” I frown at his words. He keeps emphasizing that like it’s the most important thing in the world. I don’t understand how he can hold me prisoner and still ask me to trust him. Trust has to be earned, and he’s never given me any indication that I should take his word as gospel. I can only go by the last two months with him … and boy have they made my head spin.

  “Okay, but I need you to do something for me in order for me to trust you.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Let me see you. And I don’t just mean your shadow in a darkened room. I want to see all of you.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I need to—that’s why. Isn’t that enough?”

  “Yes, but it isn’t time yet.”

  “When will it be time?”

  “When you know it’s time, so will I. Until that time, you need to rest. I will get you that coffee now.”

  I hear a click, and silence fills the room once more. It’s amazing how alive I can feel one minute and how lonely I can feel the next. He’s gone—for now—but I can’t help wondering when I will hear his voice again. It’s sick, I know, but he’s become my addiction. I would never have thought of myself as having an addictive personality. I have never—and will never—do drugs, and I don’t drink that much. My only vice is coffee … and, of course, him.

  I close my eyes and lie back down on my bed. For a while, I just stare at the ceiling above. It has a crack there I never noticed before. How odd. I squint, trying to make out a shape from it. I have nothing better to do, so why not play this game? It curves around and then down. It almost looks like a question mark. I laugh at that. Yeah, at the moment, my life is one big, fat question mark.

  Who is he?

  Where does he come from?

  Why did he stalk me?

  Why does he never let me see him?

  Why is he keeping me prisoner now?

  I know he’s telling me it’s for my own good, but I’m starting to wonder if it’s actually for his own. It sounds selfish of him, but what I can’t understand is his kindness towards me. Every time I talk with him, it fucks with my head, but it also plays with my emotions. I miss him when he’s gone, and I find myself looking forward to the next time I hear the faint click through the speaker.

  I hear a sound, which makes me quickly rise off my bed. The little door is opening, and I can already see the coffee passing through. I stare in wonder at his calloused hand. It is a strong-looking hand—a hand which holds great power. I roll my eyes when I think how very true that is right now.

  His hand disappears and reappears quickly. This time, he puts down a plate of sandwiches. I frown. Kind of odd for breakfast. I rise up quickly because—first of all—I want to get a closer look at his hand. The word “Vindicta” is staring back at me. What was it that he went through to feel such anger?

  Once he shuts the little door, I bend down to retrieve my coffee and sandwiches and walk towards the bed. As I sip my coffee, I pull up one of the pieces of bread and see what looks like peanut butter and jelly. Tears instantly prick my eyes. I know he’s just being kind, but all this sandwich is doing is reminding me of all that I have lost.

  “Did I do something wrong?”

  I shake my head as the tears fall. “No, but I don’t feel that I can-”

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset. Put it back down. I’ll make you something else. How about some scrambled eggs?”

  I look down at the sandwiches. I don’t want them to go to waste. Another thing my mother always told me about food was never to waste any. “No, it’s okay. I’ll eat this. I was just a little shocked at first.” I start eating, and I’m surprised by how good it tastes. I know PB&J sandwiches are just that, but this one somehow tastes fresh, like it’s homemade. “Wow,” I say, taking another bite.

  “You like?” I hear the smile in his voice.

  “It’s wonderful.”

  “You’re wonderful.”

  I stop eating, and my heart starts beating fast. How does he manage to do that with just two little words? “Has anyone ever told you that you have a lovely voice?” I hear his raspy laugh, and it sends shivers down my spine.

  “It is you who has a lovely voice. Mine is hollow from years of living a blemished life.”

  I frown. “Is that really how you see yourself? I don’t know what’s happened to you, but clearly you’re not in a good place mentally as a result. I know there are greater things out there for you. Can’t you imagine a better place where you can finally find peace and move on from all that has happened in the past?”

  He doesn’t say anything at first. All I hear is just deathly silence. I wond
er for a moment if he will disappear again, but then I hear him breathing. “It is too late for me, but it won’t be for you. That is why I need to make sure that—when you’re ready—you won’t ever lose yourself.”

  “I can’t believe that you really feel that way. There is always a way. If you have people around you who love you, then you’re more than halfway there. You just need to believe in yourself.” I can’t quite comprehend what the hell I’m saying.

  Here I am, locked up by my stalker after just losing my whole family, and yet I’m consoling him. Can this be anymore fucked up?

  “I love your optimism. You make it all sound so easy.”

  I sigh. “Relatively speaking, it is as easy as you make it. It can also be as hard as you make it. Don’t you think that how you choose to think and react to things in life has a lot to do with which path you’ll follow … which path will lead you? Put differently: By making yourself broken the way you are—by practically caging yourself—are you making yourself truly happy? Are you even giving yourself the chance to be happy and overcome your past?”

  I hear him sigh, and again, for a moment, he doesn’t say anything. “I am a witness to a crime which no one should ever have to witness, let alone endure. If you’d seen what I have with my own eyes, you would know the answer to that question.”

  This man is so closed off, but yet I hear the vulnerability there. I feel his pain, and in return, I believe that he feels mine.

  Is that crazy?

  I just don’t know what to think anymore. I look up to the new lily on the dresser and sigh. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

  Jarrod Walker

  “Got you some noodles and some beer.”

  I smile as I let Jace in. He, as ever, is a lifesaver. “Thanks, man.” I close the door behind us and follow Jace into the living room. “I really appreciate you letting me use this place.”

  He opens up a bottle of beer and hands it to me. “That’s what friends are for, right?” he smiles at me, and I take the bottle from his hand. “How is she?”

  “How you would expect anyone to be after losing everything she has? And the worst part about it is she doesn’t even know the half of it yet.”

  I watch as he looks at the screen. Lily is all showered and dressed in a little blue dress today. I thought she would look good in it, but I never realized just how good. She’s walking around the room, but then suddenly twirls. I silently laugh as I watch her dance. I have never seen that before.

  “You have it bad, don’t you?” I snap my head to Jace, not realizing that he has been watching me all this time.

  “Fuck off,” I snap.

  He turns his head back to the screen. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

  I inwardly sigh. No, I’m not fucking sure, but my gut tells me this is the right thing to do. She still needs to heal and for what she’s about to face shortly, she will need all the strength she can get. “Do you remember that day I came out of solitary?”

  Jace laughs. “Yeah. It was the first time you actually talked to me. I never even thought you had it in you to have a conversation.”

  “Suck my dick.”

  Jace laughs. “You’d like me to, wouldn’t you? I knew you secretly had a crush on me. In the end, you couldn’t resist my charms.” I punch him on the shoulder and he laughs. “Anyway, you were saying?”

  “What I never told you about my time inside is that it broke me a little. You were the first person to actually speak to me after all that time alone.” I look at the screen, take a swift sip of my beer, and sit down. “That’s why I’m doing this.”

  He looks at where I’m looking and frowns. I can tell why he’s frowning. She looks frail and vulnerable. Anyone with an ounce of a heart would want to reach out to her and hold her like I know she needs me to.

  And fuck do I want to. Hell, I need to.

  “You think it will work?”

  Even though I have nothing to smile about, I do. “She’s been calling my name out in her sleep. Best fucking sound ever.”

  He shakes his head. “Shit, you really are pussy-whipped.”

  I take another sip of my beer, and I know I won’t regret the words that are about to come out of my mouth. “For her, I would be.”

  For the first time ever, I see a little pity form in Jace’s eyes. “You know, once she finds out—”

  “Yeah, I know. She will never forgive me. I think that’s one of the reasons why I’m being selfish by keeping her here. I want to delay the inevitable. That’s why I can’t let her go.”

  “The accident definitely changes things. If you had known beforehand—”

  “I would have done things differently, yes. She doesn’t realize this, but she is in so much danger by still being alive. The fucking irony of the whole thing is she’ll feel safest back there where she’ll be in the most danger she’s ever been in. I’m not only keeping her here for me; I’m also keeping her from possibly getting killed.”

  Jace frowns. “Surely, he won’t do it a second time? Causing the accident was bad enough. Attempting it again so soon after the first time would draw too much attention.”

  My blood boils whenever I think about him. He is the reason why I’m doing this. My hand grips the beer bottle in anger. I would do anything to smash this bottle into that fucking smug face of his. “I don’t care. I still can’t trust that he won’t attempt do to something if he finds her still alive.”

  “It is inevitable. You can’t keep her here forever.”

  I close my eyes, dreading the day I will have to let her go. I know I only have a few days left with her—maybe a week at best. She’s already come so far physically. Her leg is virtually healed. She will have a scar there for the rest of her life, but it will fade with time. I sigh when I think how alike we both are now. We even have scars to match. And just like our scars, they can easily be cut back open and made to bleed out. We are never immune to that possibility. The only thing we can do now is keep them closed for as long as we possibly can. I meant what I said about her not losing the girl she is now. Once she learns the truth, though, I am not too sure she’ll have a choice in the matter. Just like the tides, we change. It just scares me to think of what this could change her into.

  “I know I can’t keep her here forever. I’m only going to give it a few more days—a week tops. I just need to make sure she isn’t so vulnerable.” I slam the bottle down a little more forcefully than intended. “Fuck! When did this shit get so complicated? I could handle it when I just had me and Charlotte to think about… But, now, I have to think about her. Do you realize just how fucked up that sounds? I was supposed to use her as a pawn, and now the only thing I can do is protect her.”

  I watch as Jace gets up and walks towards me. He lays a hand on my shoulder. “There’s only so much you can do, Jarrod. You can’t be there to protect everyone. It will drive you crazy. I understand that, for now, you need to be there for her, but one day, you will have to let her go.”

  “Fuck, I don’t know how she’s going to take it.”

  He squeezes my shoulder. “She will take it like the strong girl you know she is. It will break her, but she will mend. In time, she will get over everything that he’s done to her.”

  I grit my teeth. “He needs to be eradicated. She’s not safe out there with him.”

  Jace nods his head. “I know, but I assure you, brother, that when that time comes, I will watch the back of the one watching her. You and Lily won’t be alone in this. I promise you that.”

  I give him a half smile. It took me a while to trust Jace, but with everything he’s done for me and Charlotte, how could I not trust him? I even think Charlotte has a crush on Jace—although she would never admit that to me. I would fucking crush his legs if she did. I think that’s why she’s wisely kept it quiet. “Thanks, Jace.”

  He smirks, walks over to his chair, and sits down. “Don’t mention it.”

  I don’t know how long I’ve been here now. I’m thinking this
is either day eleven or twelve. I’m not too sure because I have no idea of just how many days I lost in the beginning.

  J is still keeping his distance. I keep asking him to come and visit me every day. He keeps responding with the same answer. He’s seriously making my head spin. In this time, he has gotten to know me from the inside out. We talk every day—sometimes for long periods of time. I always look forward to those moments, and I also look forward to the times when I see his hand through the little door. Yesterday, I ran over and tried to grab it, but I wasn’t fast enough. It’s almost like I’ve made this into a little game of mine… “Let’s see who can catch J’s hand today!” Maybe today I will be able to make it. He’s due to feed me soon anyway.

  Shit! I really am going crazy!

  I have no idea how long he plans on keeping me here. He says it’s for my own safety, but I can’t imagine why I would be in danger.

  Is someone really out to get me? If so, why?

  At first, the details of the accident were a little fuzzy. The only thing I could remember was Elle’s face. That will haunt me for the rest of my days. As much as I don’t want to dwell on the details, though, I have to try something to figure out this craziness.

  I think back to the car trip and how much I was looking forward to the summer break, but also how much I was going to miss my stalker. I shake my head at that one. I remember leaving town and my father looking panicked about something. It was then that it hit me. He’d said something about the brakes.

  Were they tampered with? If so, by whom? This clue is the only one I have that can corroborate J’s story.

  Now, I sit here, still confused as hell as to why anyone would want to harm our family. I just don’t get it at all. No one has ever threatened us. We’re just a normal family. We go to work and school respectively, abide by the law, and attend church every Sunday. At first, I wonder if this had something to do with J.