SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  Would he seriously kill my whole family just so he could be with me?

  I instantly discard that thought. I don’t even want to put it up there on a list of options. If there is any truth in the matter, at this point in time, I would rather bury my head in the sand because that alternative doesn’t even bear thinking about.

  So, I sit patiently, waiting for him to talk to me over the speaker. It’s in those few minutes of talking during which I can forget everything I’ve been through … everything I’ve lost. The only things I have to look at are the trees from my window, the question mark crack on the ceiling, and the fresh lily on my dresser. I still wake up to a fresh one every day. Instead of it greeting me after school, it’s now greeting me as I wake and stretch my arms in the mornings.

  A pang hits my stomach as I think on this. I miss him, and I don’t want to miss him. I don’t want to feel like he’s the only person in the world that matters now. But, every minute of every day that passes, a little more of me is lost to him. My body aches to be near him, aches to smell his peppery aroma, and aches to have him touch me. I remember how much the sparks fly when he does that. I’m growing closer to going nuclear with every passing day. At the moment, I’m getting enough coolant, but I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be enough shortly. With every time I hear his voice, it’s like the reactant I need to start the boiling process. I need him with such wild abandon that it makes my heart burst.

  What is this? What could it be? Is it love?

  If it is, then it’s the sickest form of love I’ve ever heard of. I don’t want to think of him with the affection and the desire that I do, but day after day, he’s breaking me down. Day after day, I am losing myself completely, unreservedly, and unalterably to him.

  “You’re thinking again. I can tell.”

  I smile once I hear his voice. It’s like a fresh breeze on a summer’s morning. It makes me feel like I’m dancing the dance to end all dances, and it’s the feeling of the first pluck of a guitar string from my favorite band. It’s a close my eyes, inhale sharply, and relish kind of moment.

  “I’m actually thinking about you.”

  “You are?” I know this makes him happy because I can hear the smile in his voice.

  “Yes.”

  “What is it that you’re thinking? All good things I hope?” I laugh softly when I hear him do the same. It’s like I’m tuned into that raspy voice of his.

  “I was just thinking. Do you ever have moments where you feel as relaxed as you can be? So relaxed, in fact, that you close your eyes and sigh contentedly?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re that sigh, J. That’s how you make me feel.”

  “Does it make you happy to think that way?” I can hear the intrigue. That’s what’s so fascinating and mysterious about him. It’s almost as if he hangs on my every word.

  “If I’m being completely honest, I don’t know. You beguile me in ways that don’t make any sense to me. On one hand, you frighten me more than anything or anyone I have ever experienced, but on the other, I can’t imagine a world without you in it.” I shake my head with the confusion. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because you’re keeping me here, and I’m slowly losing my mind. Do you think I’m losing my mind?”

  “On the contrary. I think you’re very sane. You’ve been through so much, but despite it all, you’re healing really well. You’re making excellent progress.”

  I snort. “Are you my doctor now?”

  He laughs again. “I suppose that did sound a little clinical.”

  “Can you tell me something about yourself?”

  “What is it that you want to know?”

  Everything.

  “What was your childhood like growing up?”

  He sighs. “I didn’t have a childhood. I lost my mother when I was very young, and I never knew my dad. I grew up in foster homes, but I spent some time away as well.”

  I frown. “Away where?”

  “Inside, Lily. I did time in Juvie. I spent my entire seventeenth year in there.” My heart starts beating rapidly.

  I’m currently a prisoner, and the one holding me has been inside for what? Murder? Rape?

  “I can see the panic in your eyes. It’s not what you think.”

  “What is it then?”

  “If someone you love was really hurt, you would do your best to get justice, wouldn’t you? You would want to see them hurt just like they hurt the one who’s dear to you, right?”

  I nod my head. “Of course.”

  “That’s the reason why I was inside.”

  It starts to become a little clearer now. I instantly think about his tattoo. “You took revenge on the person who hurt the one you love.”

  “Yes.”

  “Do you still love this person?”

  “With every fiber of my being. That will never change.”

  I feel a stab of jealousy at his words. Is he talking about a woman? Someone he is in love with? “Is this person a girl?” I ask timidly.

  “Yes, but it’s not what you think. It’s a different kind of love.” I feel immediate relief, but I’m itching to know more.

  “Is she okay now?”

  He goes silent for a moment. “No, and I don’t think she ever will be.”

  “But this person who hurt her—”

  “They will never be able to hurt her again.”

  They?

  The finality of his statement makes me think that he dealt with them permanently.

  But surely, if he were a murderer, he would still be inside? You can’t murder someone and only spend the short time he must have in jail.

  “I can tell you’re full of questions, but please don’t ask. It’s not something I want to revisit. You will know in time, but for now, I need to concentrate on getting you better.”

  I look down at my leg at the scar that now runs up from my ankle to right below my knee. I don’t even remember it being cut, but I guess the adrenaline took over at the time. Maybe some of my own blood is what I saw floating in the water that day too.

  I wince when I think about it. I don’t particularly want to go back to that day either, so in a sense, I can understand what J is feeling. “I feel a lot better now. I don’t ache as much, and my headaches have stopped.”

  I hear him sigh. It’s a sad sigh. It makes me wonder what it is that he’s thinking. “I know,” he just says. I hear the click of the speaker, and my heart sinks. He’s cut me off.

  I sink down onto the bed and my shoulders sag. The loneliness hits me pretty hard, but then it always does when I hear that click. It’s a sound that’s both my destruction and my salvation.

  As I dwell on this and more, I hear a sound coming from the door. My posture immediately picks up. I hear a rustling sound and then the little door opens. I rush forward and see his hand placing the coffee and then the eggs and bacon. I have to act.

  Rushing forward, I just about manage to grab his hand before he pulls it out. At first, I think he’s going to pull away, but I am surprised when he tenderly strokes the top of my hand and holds it. I close my eyes at his touch. It’s like coming home after a long stretch in Hell. I want more.

  Tears prick my eyes. “Please,” I say—my voice full of longing. “Please let me see you. I need you. I need you to hold me.” He strokes my hand again. It’s almost as if he’s trying to tame a savage beast. I don’t care, though. This is the first bit of contact that I’ve had from him in what seems like weeks. I am a starved animal. Starved for affection, starved for attention, and starved for him.

  He doesn’t say anything for a while, and it makes me wonder if he’s going to at all. But then I hear his voice, and it makes the goose bumps rise. “I want to… I really do. But, I don’t feel it’s time yet.”

  I laugh sarcastically. “Time. That’s all I have here anyway. Time is the only thing you’re giving me. I’m stuck here because of you. What am I supposed to believe?”

  “You believe what’s in your heart. What
does your heart tell you?”

  I get angry. “Don’t give me that psychological crap. I know what you’re doing. How you’re doing it, I have no idea, but you’re playing mind games with me.”

  “I’m only doing all this—”

  “Yeah, yeah, I know,” I snap, interrupting him. “You’re doing this for my own good. Well, you know what? Fuck you.” I push his hand away, but I know the moment I do I will be lost again. I still desperately want him, but a part of me also wants to fight back.

  “Lily, don’t be like this.”

  I look down and see that the little door is open, but I can no longer see his hand. “I don’t know what you want from me, but I’m done with you. You said you would let me go once I’m better. I’m better now, and I want to leave. I don’t want to talk about anything else anymore.”

  “Believe me when I say that if it were as simple as that, I would. If I told you what you need to know now, you wouldn’t believe me. You will know soon enough. You will see it with your own eyes. But, for now, I have to stick to my side of the bargain. And that’s to protect you. All I ever want to do is protect you.”

  I stand, confused, and shake my head. “I can’t… Why are you messing with my head?”

  “I’m not. You’re the one that’s making this more confusing than it needs to be.”

  “Don’t talk to me like I’m a fucking child. I hate you, J … or whatever the hell your name is. Why I ever let you near my body is beyond me. I must be crazy to have ever let you touch me. It will be my one and only regret.” I don’t mean it, but I can’t help the poison that spews out of my mouth. Honestly, I’m angry because I want that back again. I want him to be near me, to touch me, and to make love to me like he did that night in the quaint little house. I remember that night a few weeks back as if it were yesterday, but at the same time, I long to have it back like it happened years ago.

  A sound alerts me to the fact that he’s closed the little hatch. For a moment, I stand there staring, but after a while, I realize that either one, he’s pissed at me, or two, he knows I’m pissed at him, so he’s letting me cool off. A big part of me hopes it’s the latter, but a larger part of me knows it’s not. He’s pissed at me because, in a moment of anger, I hit him where it would hurt the most. I don’t regret a single thing with him, but now he believes that I do. So, I sit on the bed and cry. I cry for the family I’ve lost, the life I will now have to endure, and the man I desperately yearn for, but can never have.

  I’m more lost now than I ever was.

  Jarrod Walker

  “I think you’ve overstepped the mark, Jarrod. You were supposed to act obsessed by her not to actually become obsessed. Look at you. Look at what you’re doing to her. It’s sick, J … sick. She’s lost so much, and you keeping her here any longer than necessary is selfish—fucking selfish.”

  I stand, fists clenched, and glare at Charlotte. She’s only telling me the truth, but I can’t help but feel angered by her cutting words. “You think I’m the one being selfish after everything I’ve done for you?” I see the hurt in her eyes, and my anger diminishes. “I thought you hated her anyway.” I say softly.

  “That was before I knew everything that I know now. That was before I …” Tears spring her eyes as she sits down on the chair. “I didn’t realize she was the kind of person that she is. I guess I just assumed the worst.”

  I huff and take a seat next to her. “You know what they say the word assume does, don’t you?” She nods and together we both say, “It makes an ass out of you and me.” We start laughing, and it immediately clears the bad air between us. Instead, Charlotte scoots over to me, and I, in turn, wrap a comforting arm around her. I start to stroke Charlotte’s hair as we both sit, watching Lily on the monitor. She’s sitting on the bed as usual, staring at something on the ceiling. She does that a lot. I noticed a few days ago, so I had to zoom in to see what it could be. It looks like there is a crack on the ceiling, so I guess she’s staring at that. I know she must be bored, but by now, she should be getting desperate.

  “You should talk to her. She looks lonely.”

  I sigh. “I know. She has to realize that everything I do now is for her own good. I still don’t think it’s safe to let her go. He’s out there. What if he tries to kill her again?”

  Charlotte raises her head up to look at me. “I doubt he would after only attempting it two weeks ago. It would raise suspicion right away.”

  “I know.” I sigh again in frustration. I just don’t want to lose her. Despite fighting my feelings for Lily, I can’t help but fall harder and harder every time I see her—every time I talk with her. “I just fear that in the heat of the moment, he might try to do something stupid.”

  Charlotte moves away from me and looks into my eyes. “You can’t hide her here forever. I can tell you want to, Jarrod, but when does it go from protection to pure selfishness by keeping her here? That’s all I’m trying to say.”

  I nod. “I know you are, and I know that you’re right. I just need her to trust me. I need her to be completely on my side before finding out the news that will fucking rock her world. This will break her, Charlotte, and that fucking kills me.”

  Charlotte’s eyes widen a little, and then it seems something dawns on her. “You love her, don’t you?”

  I close my eyes.

  Love. What the fuck is that word, but only heartache and pain?

  “Yes,” I admit. I didn’t realize it until Charlotte asked, but now that she has, it’s hitting me like a ton of bricks.

  Charlotte grabs my hand. “Then you have to let her go.”

  Those words stab me in the chest with full force. I know I will have to, but I just wanted to hear her say the words. I need her to say them before she goes. But, no matter what, Charlotte is right. It’s selfish of me to keep Lily here. She’s well enough to go home now, but what I know she will find will kill her, and that’s the one thing I can’t fucking fix.

  I squeeze Charlotte’s hand back. “Okay, I will let her go. I just need one more day. I’ll let her go tomorrow. Just give me this day.”

  Charlotte nods and stands to grab her bag. “Okay, sure thing, big brother. I love you.”

  I smile. “I love you too, sis.”

  That day passes and then a new day dawns. All I do is sit and wait to hear his voice, but up till now, the voice hasn’t come. I’m becoming more and more desperate to figure out a way to get him to hold me. I keep telling him how much I need him, but he doesn’t listen. What more can I do to get him to visit me? To get him to hold me like I know he needs to? I’m lost without my family. It seems he is the only lifeline I have left. He may have kept me here against my will, but I can’t help but love him in the sickest form I have ever known. Every time I hear his voice, I fall deeper and deeper. My rational mind knows it’s not right, but my heart and body don’t seem to care. I’m pretty sure he owns my soul too. What’s one more part of me to add to the mix?

  My breakfast arrives shortly after I shower and dress. I sometimes wonder why I dress every day when I know for sure that I’m not going anywhere. As I sit and eat, I stare at my lily for today, and see that it’s white. That color is a sign of purity, but I know that’s not what I am anymore. A few weeks ago I was, but not now. I keep wondering whether I will feel the regret wash over me, but it never comes.

  As I eat my last bite, I place the contents by the door and sit back on my bed. I hear the click of the speaker and my heart races. “How are you feeling this morning?”

  I nod my head. “Better, thanks. I slept well.”

  “Good. I’m glad to hear that.”

  I bite my lip wondering how to say this. “Look, I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean any of it. I was just so angry about this whole situation.”

  “I know you were. I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but I knew you didn’t mean it.”

  I grip the sheet next to me, my heart racing a million miles an hour.

  “I need you to come to
my room… I want you to come to my room. I’m desperate for you to touch me … to hold me like that night in the little house. Please make it happen, J. Please.”

  I don’t want to cry, I’ve had enough of crying for everything I’ve lost, but I can’t help feeling this hopelessness inside of me. Is it he who’s reduced me to this? I sit here, begging him to come to me, and as crazy as it sounds, I would beg again if necessary.

  How has it come to this?

  All goes silent in my room, so I sit, heart beating erratically as I wonder what his next move will be.

  I sigh, pondering this and more until a noise from the door alerts me to his presence. My posture picks up as I grip the sheets, desperate to hear another noise. I gasp when I hear the door unlocking and gasp again when it’s pushed forward. I hold my breath wondering what he’ll do next. I see one foot and I swallow hard as the saliva builds in my mouth. The nervous excitement is crawling all over my skin and making my insides churn. Time seems to stand still as I hold my breath. My lungs are crying out, but I can’t seem to make myself breathe.

  He moves forward making me grip the sheets even harder. He’s coming into my room. Finally, he’s here!

  And, as he emerges through the door, I take one look at him, and my eyes pool with tears.

  “Why are you wearing that? I thought you were going to let me see you.” I stare at his mask. The same mask he wore when he took my virginity.

  He walks over to me and sits next to me on the bed. “I think—honestly—I am a little afraid that you won’t want me after you’ve seen me.”

  I search his eyes through the mask, but all I find is pain. My heart softens, and as I reach out to touch his lips, I watch as his eyes close in surrender. “You really think I am that type of person? Don’t you know how I feel about you by now? I love you, J. Do you really think I could just switch that off and turn you away just because of how you are afraid you look on the outside? I thought you knew me better than that.”