SCARS

by Jaimie Roberts

  He grabs my hand and nods once. “I do know you feel that way, but it still scares me. I can never be the guy who gives you everything, and that is only what you deserve.”

  I shake my head. “No, that’s not true. I know I’m only eighteen, and I’ve hardly lived my life, but I think I can still be a good judge of knowing when love has hit me hard. And you’ve hit me, J. You’ve all but knocked me out.”

  He sighs, and I see the desperation in his eyes. “I can’t be what you want me to be. Once you know everything, I will lose you. But, you’re here now, and I wanted to at least give you the opportunity.”

  “To what?” I ask, my heart beating rapidly.

  “To pull my mask off. To finally see who I truly am. To see the monster who has selfishly taken from you. I think you deserve at least that.” I gulp when he takes my hand and gently guides it up towards his mask. “This is what you’ve always wanted. Now, here is your chance. I wanted you to be the one.”

  He drops his hand, leaving mine hovering over his mask. My hand is shaking with anticipation of what I may find. Surely, this beautiful man in front of me can’t be anything but all that I need? I lick my lips, and for the first time, I notice my breathing is labored. Now that I’ve tuned into it, that sound is all I can hear. I freeze momentarily before my hand decides to take action. I see J tense, and I know it’s because I will be removing his mask any second now.

  My fingers hook underneath the mask, and I wonder if I should go slow or rip it off like a band-aid. In the end, I do a mixture of both. Once finally off, I sit there and stare at his face. A single tear drops down because—right at this moment—he is afraid to look at me. How can he be afraid to look into my eyes? Is it because he thinks I will show him something other than love?

  “J,” I whisper, bringing my hand up to his cheek and gently stroking his scar. The same scar I have traced the line of so many times. I can see why he’s afraid to show himself to me. He doesn’t just have that one scar, but there is a series of them marring that beautiful face of his. Despite this, all I can see is beauty. He is simply perfection.

  “J,” I whisper again when he doesn’t look at me. This monster—my monster—is so afraid. He could crush me with a single blow, and yet he is afraid of me … afraid that I will reject him.

  Who did this to him?

  Another tear slides down my face as I stare at this defeated man. His eyes shine the darkest green, as if that’s where he has put himself. I know he’s in a dark place, but he needs to realize that I’m here. Through the scars, I can see the most strikingly handsome man I have ever met. His jaw is strong, and his nose sweeps down so perfectly towards his heart-shaped lips. The same lips I have kissed a thousand times … the same lips I want to kiss a thousand more.

  “J, please look at me.” I pull at his face to make his eyes meet mine. “Please,” I beg again, and this time he does as he’s asked. I let out my breath and smile as I stroke his cheek. “How can such a big man be afraid of someone so little like me?”

  “I told you,” he croaks. “You’re the one who holds all the power.” I smile and go to speak, but then he shocks me. “Why are you still here?”

  I frown. “Why wouldn’t I be? Did you seriously think I would turn you away once I saw your face? I love you, and nothing about what you look like will change that. I fell in love with the man that’s in here.” I place my hand on his heart. “Everything else is just a bonus. You’re beautiful, J. How can you bring yourself down to anything less than that?”

  He grabs my hand. “That’s just it. I’m not beautiful. I’ve told you that I’m a bad man, and—”

  “I don’t believe you,” I say interrupting him. “I have spent enough time with you now to know that’s not true. You have kept your promise to me. You said that you would never hurt me. All that you have ever done is be kind to me and considerate of my feelings. All you’ve ever done is care.” He sighs, searching my eyes. I can tell he’s conflicted. He wants to tell me something, but he’s holding back. I know he is. I don’t know what it is, and maybe I don’t want to know. Right now, all I care about is that he’s here, and I can finally touch him again. I can finally get him to touch me. “Make love to me.”

  His eyes snap to mine. I can tell that I’ve shocked him. “We can’t-”

  “Please,” I implore, grabbing his hand and reaching it up towards my breast.

  He stares at his hand on my breast for a while, and I wonder if he’s going to reject me. I hear his breathing growing labored, and then he squeezes ever so gently … so gently that I moan out loud. J moves forward, and I take that as my cue.

  Grabbing his head, I pull him towards me and smash my lips against his. I feel savage as I pull and yank at his t-shirt. His arms are bulky and strong … just like I remembered.

  “I shouldn’t do this to you, but I’m a selfish man. I can’t get enough of you.” I groan, sliding my tongue into his mouth and pulling at his t-shirt. We finally get it off his head before he frantically finds my mouth again. He unbuttons my shorts and starts working on getting my top off. “Hold on, Lily. We can’t do this.”

  “Why?” I ask. How can he say this now? I’m practically panting for him.

  “I don’t have any condoms.”

  I close my eyes on a groan, but I don’t want this to end. I can’t let this end. “Please,” I beg again. “I need this. I need you.” I grab at his head again and yank him on top of me. He doesn’t try to get off. Instead, he positions himself between my legs. I can feel his desire through his jeans, and it makes my desire pool for him. I know I shouldn’t do this. It’s another reckless thing, but I know I won’t be able to stop myself. I’m way too far gone to ever stop.

  “You are so beautiful, Lily… Simply breathtaking.”

  I groan as I feel his hand ride all the way up my thigh to my hips before resting again on my breast. I’m on fire, needing so much to feel his length inside of me. In an effort to hurry, I start unbuttoning his jeans and pulling down as forcefully as I can. He helps me along, and pretty soon, his jeans and my shorts are discarded on the floor. We are naked—skin on skin—as he places himself snugly between my legs. I don’t know what to expect, but when I feel him sliding into me so smoothly, I moan out loud. It’s not painful this time. Instead, it feels incredible. “J!” I cry as he reaches the hilt.

  “I can’t get enough of you, baby,” he says, thrusting his length inside of me over and over again. He’s not going slowly, and I don’t want him to. I can feel the desperation inside of him as much as he must feel mine. I grab his hips and marvel at the feel of him moving over and over again. His muscles clench as he thrusts deeper … harder … faster.

  As he pushes in again, a strangled groan leaves his lips, making my orgasm rise thick and fast. I thought the first two times were magical, but this somehow feels even more incredible. I’m not sure if it’s the loss of contact for so long that’s done it, but at the moment I don’t care. I am riding on this wave with him, desperate to feel the release I know will come at any moment. “J!” I cry again, as he pounds faster. He’s close too—I can feel it—and this knowledge is what lets loose the endless tide that crashes against me. I scream out, scratching at his back, desperate to hold onto something because I can’t seem to get enough. The orgasm rages, ringing in my ears until my body shudders uncontrollably beneath him.

  Finally, J cries out, and I feel his hot release inside of me. I should be scared. I know I should. But, right now, all I feel is happy. I wanted this connection from him, and I got it. Tomorrow, I will think about the consequences. For now, I just want to live in this moment. I start chuckling at the thought.

  “Does our lovemaking amuse you?”

  I laugh again. “Oh no, our lovemaking is something beyond laughter. It’s out of this world. I was just laughing at something my friend Christine said.”

  He pulls his head back and smiles. It’s a boyish smile. I love it. “Oh yeah, what’s that?”

  “She told me to l
ive in the moment because tomorrow, it will become a distant memory. I was just thinking about this moment. I want to live it because I know that, by tomorrow, right here will be gone.”

  “Your friend sounds very wise for such a young girl.”

  I smile and wonder about her. No one who’s left behind will wonder where I am. They’re all off enjoying their summer vacations by now. “That she is. She’s a great girl, and I love her.” He tenses a little. “Are you okay?”

  He nods. “Yes, I’m just worried about you …” he sighs. “Lily, we didn’t use protection.”

  “I know, but can we worry about that tomorrow? I just want this here and now. I want to cherish this moment with you.”

  He kisses my lips softly and strokes my hair. “Okay,” he says soothingly. “I can give you that.”

  As he smiles down at me, I take in the full view of him. He has tattoos everywhere just as I had imagined. “Who’s this?” I ask, tracing the lines of a little girl’s face. She looks somehow familiar. J tenses, and I immediately know who it must be. “It’s the girl you were talking about—the one for whom you sought revenge.” He simply nods his head. “Oh, J, what story do you have that you can’t tell?”

  He sighs. “As I have said, it’s not one which you would want to hear. Believe me.”

  I can see the pain in his eyes, so I stop pushing. Instead, I start tracing the patterns across his chest until I notice something on his torso. “What’s that?”

  He smirks, pushing himself up, so I can see. I gasp. “It’s a lily flower.” He smiles with a nod. “You got that for me?” Again, he nods. I stare into his eyes, and I see the mixture of desire, heat, pain, and love. “I love you, J,” I say on a sigh.

  He bends down, kisses me, and shocks me with four little words that are the sweetest melody to my ears. “I love you, too.”

  I wake up in the morning and stretch my arms. The moment I do, I feel the soreness between my legs and smile at the thought of the moments J and I shared last night. It was beyond magical. It was a night I will never forget. I know it’s madness to feel the way I do about him. He was the one stalking me for all those months. I guess I have become just as obsessed with him as he seemed to be with me. He said he couldn’t let me go—that he was a selfish man. I guess that, in turn, makes me a selfish woman. I have lost my entire family, and yet the thought of losing J terrifies me the most. I am disgusted with myself for feeling this way.

  How could I fall in love with my stalker? The one who followed me and watched me everywhere I went? Granted, he is also the one who saved me from the wreckage, but he also has held me prisoner here … until I got better that is. None of any of this makes any sense, but I can’t help feeling the way I do. I am lost to him.

  I have to admit that to myself no matter how crazy it sounds. In those brief moments between sleep and opening my eyes, I capture the moments in my head from yesterday. We made love three more times, and each time, it just got better and better. He held me like I would break if he let go. He was gentle, kind, sweet, and loving. Every part of him pulled me in, and I have no idea how. He is my spell that will never be broken—no matter how often he tells me he will break my heart.

  For a moment, I keep my eyes closed because I know… I know he’s not here because I’m so in-tune with him. Once I open my eyes, I will find myself alone again, and that thought terrifies me. I want to hold onto the euphoria a little longer … to feel the moments we shared together within the last twenty-four hours. I know I have to open my eyes, but for a few seconds, I feel trapped in my own body. My mind is willing, but my eyes remain shut. I have become a coward … something I thought would never happen.

  With that last thought, I open my eyes and find light filling my room. Something is off today, though… Something unusual. I look towards the source and find my door wide open. I can leave? I can finally be let out of this room? I pull the covers off me, and as I do, I hear a rustling sound on the bed. I turn and find a note on the pillow that J occupied last night. With anticipation coursing through my veins, I pick it up to read what it says.

  My Beautiful Lily,

  By the time you read this note, I will be gone, and you will be able to leave the one place that has kept you protected from the outside world. But, no matter how much I want to shield you from the pain, it is time I let you go. I can only do so much, and to keep you from knowing is only going to make things worse in the long run. I told you time and time again that I am a selfish man. Even so, I have only your best interests at heart. I am hoping once you find out that you will forgive me in time, but I know that will be a lot to ask of you.

  Once you leave this place, you will find out things—things I wish you didn’t need to know. It is essential that you do find them out for your own safety. I can’t tell you what this is about because you wouldn’t believe me if I did. Unfortunately, however, you will need to find all this out for yourself. I went into this for different purposes than you imagine. Yes, you captured my heart, but there was a reason I watched you. I chose you before I had even met you. Why, you ask? Again, that is something you will find out soon enough, and when you do, you will hate me, Lily. You will despise the person I am. I told you I was a monster, and you didn’t believe me. Once you know the truth, my words will ring true in your mind.

  So, to the most important things you need to know for now… The clothes you wore on the day of the accident are in the bathroom for you. Please put these on once you’re ready. There is a car outside of the house with the keys in the ignition. Drive this to regional hospital and make your way inside. You will need to be seen by them. Please just leave the car on N 600 E near the hospital. I will deal with it once you’re gone.

  The police will interview you. I can’t tell you what to say. If you want to tell the truth then that’s your prerogative. It will only be what I deserve. However, if you want to lie, I am sure you will be able to think of a clever reason as to why you’ve been missing for over two weeks. They don’t realize it yet, but from what you told me about the accident, I highly suspect that the brakes were tampered with. They think it’s just an accident, but I implore you to tell them to look into this.

  Once you have time, look up the name Keith Masters and then Jarrod Masters and Charlotte Masters. These names will tell you more.

  Please be careful, and trust no one. I mean that. NO ONE. I never thought I would say this to anyone in my lifetime, but you can be sure of one thing. No matter how much you hate me, and no matter how much you will never trust me again, just know that my feelings throughout all this were real. I tried hard… Fuck, did I try hard to not fall in love with the girl with the chestnut brown hair, translucent brown eyes, and a name so sweet on the tongue that it made my insides burn. I thought I didn’t have a heart, but now I know why. You have it. You will always have it.

  I love you, Lily. Be sure to know those are the truest words I could ever offer you.

  Stay safe. I am watching.

  Yours forever,

  J.

  I stare at the note and wipe the tears from my eyes. I know he’s left me, and a part of me thinks it may be for good. What could he have done to warrant me hating him so violently in the way that he thinks I will? I know he keeps saying it, but to imagine J being anything but the sweet, kind-hearted, and caring man who I have known stabs my heart so viciously that I can feel it ripping at my insides.

  I get up, and with a thumping heart, I hastily take a shower. Once I’m dry, I stare at the clothes I wore on the day J took me. For a moment, I can’t dress because the clothes only remind me of everything I’ve lost. Why would he want me to wear those—of all clothes? I have no idea, but I know I can’t stay here all day.

  With a deep sigh, I pick up the clothes and numbly get dressed. I don’t want to think about what the clothes represent. All I want is to act upon is this note that J has entrusted me with. He knows I can leave here now and go to the police, but he’s letting me go anyway. He’s very clever and very shrewd. It a
lmost makes me think of him as a criminal mastermind.

  As I think about this, my mind wanders back to his note. There are three names on there that mean nothing to me. I assume they will eventually, but for now, I’m drawing a blank. I must get going. The need to find out what the hell is going on drives me forward.

  The moment I’m dressed, I hurry towards the door, but stop once I reach it. It is only then I realize that—for the first time in almost three weeks—I am leaving this room and will most probably never see it again. I have no idea where I even am. I could be in the middle of nowhere. I swallow nervously, but make the move to step over the threshold. When I do, I am greeted by a hallway and some stairs. I go down them and realize how familiar this place is. I close my eyes as my heart thumps more loudly than ever. This is the house he took me to when we first made love. I had been virtually home all this time, and I never even knew it.

  As I walk through the hallway, I reach the bedroom where it all took place. How different it looks now in the light of day. It’s hot in here, but a cool breeze is caressing my skin as I stare at the yellow walls, queen sized bed, and white cotton sheets. A part of me wants to go into the room, but I know I have to go. Reluctantly, I turn and I make my way to the front door. Once there, I pause a moment and wonder how he watched me. A part of me needs to know where J had been all the times I spoke with him. I turn back and head towards another door. I open it up and greeting me is a surprisingly spacious living room with a big TV and two comfortable grey sofas on one side. The other side of the room has what I am looking for, though. Seated snugly in the corner of the room is a big desk with a black cushioned leather chair. Five monitors and a small speaker sit in the middle. All of them are off, but I feel the smallest temptation to turn them on, so I can see how much he saw of me when I was kept here for all this time. I don’t, though. Instead, I turn and head out the door. Once outside, the sun hits me with full force. It will be July soon, so the heat is starting to become unbearable, but I have no time to dwell on this. I place J’s note snugly in my pocket and head for the small Jeep parked outside. I turn the key and listen to the engine roar to life. I look towards the house one last time, wondering if this will be the last connection I will have with J. I don’t want to dwell on that idea too much as the thought pains me.