All That's Been Said

by Doherty, Emma

  I clear my throat. “The equations we worked on today are wrong, though.”

  He can’t hide his disappointment, and he shifts his gaze and nods abruptly. I press my lips together. He probably spent over an hour on them, and it’s not like they’re hugely incorrect. He just missed a step.

  I shift on my feet, hesitating. “Um…most of it is right,” I tell him. “The first part is and then you skipped a step and came up with the wrong answer.”

  He nods brusquely. “I’ll look at it again.”

  I nod and turn to move, but something stops me. I hate the thought of him sitting back down for hours and making the same mistake again and again.

  I turn back to him and he’s already turned back at the kitchen table, taking a seat and opening the book. His determination is impressive. It’s resolute, and it’s what means he’ll be successful in life no matter what he decides to do. He reminds me of our mum so much it hurts. I glance at the clock on the kitchen wall. It’s already after ten. There’s no way he’ll be able to get this done quickly by himself.

  “You know, sometimes I think Mr. Evans makes things more complicated than they need to be.”

  He looks up at me but doesn’t say anything.

  I hover for another couple of seconds, unsure as to whether he’ll appreciate my help. “I can show you how I do it if you want? It’s the way my old teacher showed me. I think it’s a bit easier.” I pause, preparing for the sting of rejection. “Only if you want.”

  He doesn’t say anything back to me. I don’t really blame him, not after the way I’ve treated him.

  “Okay, no problem,” I say, turning to leave the room.

  “Wait…thanks. That would really help.”

  The relief that he’s not rejecting me is immediate and I walk over, sliding into the seat next to him, and I spend the next thirty minutes explaining how I’d answer the question and then watching as he answers question after question, correcting him when he’s about to make a mistake and confirming when he’s got it correct.

  It’s actually pretty nice.

  Kristen: My mum made me get a job.

  Kristen: She thinks it’s going to teach me responsibility before I go to uni but it just means I have more money to spend on shoes.

  I break out into a smile as I read her messages. I can’t help it. Kristen is obsessed with shoes, and if her mum thought she’d use the extra money from a job to save towards university then she’s a fool. She’s always loved shoes, and whenever she was round at my house, she’d find an excuse to raid my mum’s wardrobe and look through the designer shoe collection she built up when she was modelling and when she was with my dad. I swear, my mum was lucky Kristen was a couple of shoe sizes smaller than her or she would have been smuggling them out so she could wear them.

  I scroll through my phone and see all the messages she’s sent to me, all the messages that tell me she misses me and wants to talk again, all the messages that have gone unanswered. I know she knows I’ve seen them. It will show up on her phone when I’ve read it, but I still don’t reply. I don’t know how to. I don’t know what to say.

  “What are you smiling at?”

  I look up and see Matty walking towards me. He drops his bag onto the picnic bench I’m sat in and sits down across from me. I push my phone away. “Nothing.”

  He frowns at me suspiciously, and I pick up my pen and get back to the homework I was completing. I decided to sit outside today because I can’t cope with Rachel for too much longer. She is relentless about getting me to join the maths club, and I honestly don’t think I have the energy to deal with her right now.

  “Why are you sitting out here for lunch?”

  “Rachel Bridges.”

  He smirks. He may not run in the same circles as Rachel, but he knows she’s a firecracker. Everyone knows she’s a firecracker.

  Actually, he might be able to clear something up for me. “What’s the deal with her and Logan?”

  There’s no way Rachel would just do Logan’s homework for him. She’d have to get something out of it too.

  Matty shrugs. “I have no idea. I think he’s secretly in love with her but just hasn’t figured it out yet.”

  My jaw falls open. “Seriously?”

  He smirks. “I have no idea, but it’d be entertaining if that were true though, huh?”

  I throw my pen lid at him and get back to my physics homework, which I need to finish before next period. I’ve had to go around to all my teachers and try to get extra credit so I can make up my grades after skipping all those classes and assignments when I first moved here. I might pretend I don’t give a crap about school over here, but there’s no way I’m okay with failing, not even to spite my father. I care too much about my education for that.

  I carry on completing equations, my pen dancing across the page, and when I glance over at Matty, his eyes are trained on the notepad, something like envy on his face. “What?” I ask.

  “You’re really just skipping through that work without having to even concentrate?”

  I pull a face. “I am concentrating; I just work quickly.”

  He rolls his eyes. “It would take me five times as long as you to complete those three equations you’ve just done. You really are a genius, huh?”

  I look back at my textbook. “We all have our strengths.”

  Matty lets out a whistle as I finish off my last question. “I would not have liked growing up next to you and being compared to you in school.”

  I freeze at his words. That thought has literally never occurred to me.

  “You think it would be hard?”

  He snorts. “Hard being the twin of a genius? Uh, yeah!”

  Huh.

  I’m actually flabbergasted. I have never, ever thought that before. I don’t even bother to argue that I’m not a genius; I’m not, but that’s not the point. “But Ethan is really good at sports and football and like really good-looking and stuff.”

  “Okay…one, you’re just as good-looking a girl as he is a guy, and two, did they have football over there?”

  I blink. No. They have English football, or soccer as it’s known here, but they don’t have American football in the UK. You can’t play the sport unless you go to a specialist club, and they are few and far between.

  Matty doesn’t say anything else, but his point has been made. How have I never thought that before?

  There’s a high-pitched squeal in the distance, and we both turn to see Evie and Ethan stood with a group of their friends but separated slightly. She’s smiling up at him, and they look far too cosy for my liking.

  “Are they getting back together?” I ask Matty. “Like officially?” I’m not sure I really want to hear the answer.

  “I dunno. She’s made it very obvious that it’s what she wants. He’s holding back though.”

  “I don’t get it.” And I really don’t. She’s horrible. “I don’t understand how he can’t see what everyone else sees.”

  “Don’t be so harsh on him,” Matty reprimands. “She’s really different around Ethan and the team. She acts really sweet and genuine and he’s lonely. Also she’s pretty and puts out.”

  I pull a face at his last comment, but my mind plays back something else. “Ethan’s lonely?”

  He looks at me like I’m stupid. “Yes. He’s been really lonely ever since your mom died. You’d know that if you ever tried to have a normal conversation with him.”

  He’s been really lonely ever since your mom died.

  “But that doesn’t make sense. My mum lived nowhere near him.”

  Matty rolls his eyes. “I take back the genius comment.” His gaze darts back to Ethan. “Shut up, they’re coming this way. Be nice.”

  I glance over and see that he’s right. Finn and Ethan have broken off from the group and are making their way towards us. They stop at the end of the table but don’t say anything. Finn is staring at me but not speaking, as per usual, his eyes sliding between Matty and me, and Ethan looks
uncomfortable. Things have definitely thawed between us, but I still don’t know where we stand with each other. I’m guessing he feels exactly the same.

  “Hey guys, what’s up?” Matty says. “Izzy and I were talking about going out for burgers tonight if you want to come?”

  My eyes cut to him. I’m not exactly against it, but we didn’t have it planned.

  “No thanks.” Finn’s reply is instant. “I’ll leave you guys to enjoy your date alone.”

  Ethan cuts him a look, and I see Matty stiffen across from me. He thinks I’m dating Matty now? We have been spending a lot more time together recently, I think just because Matty can be himself around me. I guess some people might assume after those comments he made about me and me spending time with him that something might be going on, but I didn’t think Finn was one of them.

  “Shut up, man,” Ethan says. Three of us around this table know Finn’s comment couldn’t be further from the truth, but none of us are about to admit it.

  I shove my books into my backpack. “I’m out,” I tell them, going to stand up.

  “Wait,” Ethan says, reaching out a hand to stop me.

  I do stop, but only because this is the first time he’s initiated conversation with me in over a month.

  “Kristen’s sent me a message.”

  I freeze to the spot.

  I slowly turn back around to face him, my brain going a million miles a minute.

  Kristen. My Kristen? “Kristen who?”

  He rolls his eyes. He knows there’s only one Kristen I care about. “McKenna,” he tells me, like duh.

  “How does she have your number?” My voice has turned cold, and Ethan definitely notices.

  He frowns. “She messaged me over social media.”

  I take a sharp breath. He has no right to talk to Kristen. Kristen is mine—was mine. She was my best friend for years. I’m dealing with Kristen in my own way. I’m reading her messages, and that’s enough for now.

  My eyes dart around. Finn and Matty are watching this exchange with interest, and I force myself to take a deep breath. “Don’t talk to Kristen.”

  He frowns, totally confused. “I’m not talking to Kristen. She just sent me a message.”

  “You don’t even know her. Don’t speak to her.”

  Now he’s pissed at me. Again. “You know I knew her too, Biz.”

  I scoff at his self-righteousness, and all the resentment I feel towards Ethan that I’ve buried because of my own behaviour comes to the surface just at the mere mention of Kristen’s name from his lips.

  “She was at our house all the time and I saw her whenever I was over there visiting.”

  Our house. It was never his house. His house was always over here. He was only ever a visitor in our place in London. It doesn’t mean anything that she messaged him. Kristen would chat to a stranger off the street—the fact that she reached out to him doesn’t make him special.

  I go to turn away, but something stops me. Kristen stops me, because no matter what, her name is always going to interest me, no matter how much I don’t want it to, no matter how much I wish I could leave our friendship behind. “What…what did she say?”

  My heart starts beating that little bit faster in my chest. I want to know the answer to my question more than I’ll ever admit. She was my best friend for so many years. How could I not?

  Ethan raises an eyebrow. He can sense how much I want to know the response to this. “She said you’re ignoring her,” he eventually tells me. “Said she’s sent you texts, emails, and messages, and you’re ignoring her and have been for months.”

  Tears flood my eyes and he sees it before I can turn my face into the mask I’ve come to wear so well.

  “Biz?” He sounds almost alarmed and moves towards me.

  I throw up a hand to stop him and manage to get my emotions under control.

  “I need to go,” I mutter.

  “Wait—what should I tell her?” He still looks confused. “Don’t you want to talk to her? She’s your best friend.”

  “She doesn’t want to talk to me.”

  “What? Of course she does.”

  “She doesn’t.”

  “Well then why would she message me?” He sounds exasperated.

  I shake my head. Why does she want to speak to me? After what I did to her, it can’t be for anything good no matter what her texts to me say. I press my lips together, trying to stay in control. I wish it was just because she wanted to catch up. I wish I could tell her about what it’s like here, how I feel so lonely all the time and miss home so badly I ache for it, how, on those rare occasions I let myself think about my mother, I hurt so badly from her loss I can barely breathe.

  “What should I say to her?”

  “Nothing,” I say sharply. “Don’t say anything to her.”

  “Biz, what the hell? What’s going on? Why won’t you talk to her?”

  “She doesn’t really want to talk to me.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  I scoff. “I do.” And she shouldn’t want to. She shouldn’t ever want to speak to me again.

  “Why?”

  A memory flashes in my mind. Her face…her face when she saw me right afterwards. The betrayal in her eyes and the look on her face…I’ll never be able to wipe that from my mind.

  “Biz!” Ethan’s frustrated now, annoyed I’m not telling him what he thinks he wants to know.

  “What did she do to you?”

  “She didn’t do anything to me.”

  “Then what? Why wouldn’t she want to talk to you?”

  I look him dead in the eye, the sister he thinks he knows, the sister he thinks has behaved badly since she got here, whose behaviour he thinks couldn’t get any worse. He has no idea about what I actually got up to in London, how low I actually got. “Because she was in love with a boy and I had sex with him in the bedroom of a party whilst she was at home sick in her bed.”

  Kristen Kayleigh McKenna had been my best friend since she shared her sweets with me on my first day of school in the UK. When our mothers collected us at the end of that day, we proudly announced that were best friends, and once we discovered we lived just three streets away from each other, that was it—we were best friends for life.

  We remained best friends throughout the whole of primary school, and once we got to secondary school, even though we were split up into different classes at the advice of our previous teacher, our friendship didn’t waver. We survived my parents’ divorce and my family’s literal split in two when Ethan moved away. We survived her mother’s car crash and the long road it took for her to recover. We survived new friends and first boyfriends and I honestly loved her like a sister, but we couldn’t survive my mother’s death—at least I couldn’t survive it, and I took our friendship down with it.

  Matthew Stevenson was a year older than us at school, and Kristen had had a crush on him for as long as I could remember. So did most of the other girls in school, and he knew it too. He considered himself a bit of a bad boy, mainly because he’d started smoking before any of the rest of us dared to try it, and I only ever saw him as an arrogant know-it-all. By the time we reached sixth form, he’d worked his way through most of the girls in his year and started to look towards ours, me in particular. He suddenly appeared to be everywhere I was, but I only found him irritating and it annoyed me that Kristen had a thing for such a pathetic loser.

  After weeks of me ignoring and rebutting him, he finally got sick of beating around the bush and unexpectedly stuck his tongue down my throat at a house party one night. I shoved him away, mortified that Kristen might see, and firmly told him to get lost. It seemed that rejection was too much for his bruised ego, and he called me a slag then stalked off. By the end of the night, he had Kristen all over him, and they were together from then on. I tried to be happy for her as she was over the moon, but as far as I was concerned, he was a total creep who was just using her to get back at me. Still, we were best friends, and I smiled th
rough gritted teeth as she gushed over him again and again.

  Then the worst day of my life came when my mum told me her cancer was terminal. I felt like I’d been kicked in the face and didn’t know how to deal with it, and that was when I started that spiral of self-destruction I’ve been on ever since. I went to a party and just wanted to forget, so I made sure I did. I got obliterated so I wouldn’t remember. I drank half a bottle of vodka, I sniffed a line of coke, and when I still didn’t feel any better, I rubbed some Molly into my gums and finally got the release I was looking for. When Matthew was waiting for me outside the kitchen where I’d been topping up my drink, I didn’t stop him from taking my hand, from leading me upstairs and into a spare bedroom. I didn’t stop him when he started kissing me, when he pulled off my top and unbuckled my jeans. I kissed him back. I pulled at his clothes and pushed him down onto the bed and let him roll on top of me and take my virginity.

  I wanted to forget everything, and that was how I thought I was going to do it. I guess that night set the tone for what I’ve done right up to the Burdown party.

  Kristen found out about it almost immediately. The kids at the party wasted no time in messaging her to tell her what we’d been up to, and even though she was sick and in bed, she dragged herself out to the party to come see it for herself. I’ll never forget the look on her face when we walked downstairs. She looked so betrayed it tore me in two as she stood there watching us, but I didn’t even look at her. I let Matthew take me by the hand and pull me straight past her. I didn’t look back, because if I did, she’d demand answers as to why I’d done it, and I wasn’t prepared to give any.

  All of our friends were disgusted with me and understandably took her side. I didn’t care, didn’t care about anything anymore. I’d discovered a way to turn my mind blank, if only for a couple of minutes, a way to forget about my mom and the complete helplessness I was feeling about her cancer. There was nothing I could do, nothing that could stop the disease that had spread throughout her entire body and was taking her further and further away from me, but I could do this. I could drink alcohol, take drugs, have sex, and forget about everything, if only for a couple of hours.