All That's Been Said

by Doherty, Emma

  Kristen turned up at my house three days after I slept with Matthew. I opened the door, and instead of finding the anger and fury I was expecting in her eyes, all I saw was sympathy and compassion. She knew. Somehow she’d found out about my mum. It was probably my mum who told her mum, and now she was here. “I’m so sorry,” she told me, tears welling in her eyes. “I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.” I stared back at her. She got it. She knew now why I’d done what I’d done. She knew this was what I did. I buried my feelings, just like I had when Ethan moved away. I never spoke about what was really happening with me and she knew that was why I’d slept with Matthew, but I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand her forgiveness, her understanding, and I closed the door in her face and refused to talk to her.

  I hate myself for doing that. I hate myself for hurting her, and then when she offered forgiveness, hurting her even more.

  Matthew stupidly thought we were together after that and I slept with him again a couple of times, doing anything I could to stop thinking about the horror that was unfurling at home. My mother was getting skinnier and skinnier, her face greyer and greyer. Then at another party one night, I got bored of his chat and went off with another guy I’d never met before. I didn’t care; he was a willing body and I knew I wouldn’t ever have to see him again after that night.

  Mum died only a few weeks later. They’d found the cancer way too late to do anything about it and she didn’t want chemo, didn’t want to pump her body full of medicine only to prolong her life by a couple of weeks. I stayed by her side for those last couple of weeks, ignoring the rest of the world and praying for a miracle. It didn’t come. Her funeral was like a daze. I didn’t speak to anyone, didn’t even look directly at anyone. The only thing I could focus on was her coffin, and when they lowered it into the ground, I thought I was going to physically die from the pain of losing her, but I didn’t let it show. I didn’t let a single tear fall down my face, and when I turned and saw Kristen stood towards the back of the group at the graveyard with her parents and her younger sister, my gaze looked straight through them like they weren’t even there. I didn’t go to the wake, the one my father’s assistant arranged in a local pub, all the food and drink already paid for. I didn’t talk to Ethan as he held court and made small talk with the mourners and tried to hold it together when I could clearly see he was struggling too. Instead I took a walk to Brockwell Park, where we’d spent so many days of my childhood, and I waited there until the sun went down.

  Then I moved in with my mum’s best friend and went back to doing what I did when my mum was first diagnosed. I did whatever I could to forget and I refused any concern or help from my old friends.

  And that’s why I can’t talk to Kristen, because I betrayed my best friend in a way you can never come back from. What I did was wrong and unforgivable, and she’ll never forgive me, not really. She shouldn’t.

  What’s worse is that it did help me forget, if only for a little bit, and I’m not convinced that, under the same circumstances, I wouldn’t do it again.

  “Go on,” Rachel tells me loudly, throwing her hand out towards Pippa, Paul, and everyone else who eats lunch with those guys and shoving me forwards. “Tell them so they’ve all heard it and you can’t back out.”

  I bite back my irritation. I finally gave in after English and agreed to attend the next maths competition, and she basically frogmarched me into the cafeteria so I could tell the rest of team straight away. “I’ve said I’ll help out with some of the upcoming meets,” I tell them, embarrassed to have them all looking at me. “Just until you find someone more permanent,” I warn.

  “She’s joining math club,” Rachel states triumphantly. “Until the end of the year.”

  “That’s not exactly what we discussed,” I say as I pull back a seat and sit down opposite Pippa.

  Rachel acts like I haven’t even spoken as she flops down into the seat next to me. “We’re gonna kick ass this weekend.”

  I bite back a smile. The girl is crazy, but you can’t knock her enthusiasm.

  “Izzy, do you know where Ethan wants the donations for the food drive?” asks Evan, a guy who’s always sat here.

  “Food drive?”

  “Yeah, the annual one. He does it every year. I have some stuff in my car.”

  “Um…no, sorry. I don’t know anything about it.”

  Rachel snorts. “Are you deaf and blind? There are posters up all over the place, he’s been talking about it in announcements, and the football team keeps busting into homerooms to remind everyone.”

  “What?” I have no idea what she’s talking about. I haven’t seen any of this.

  She rolls her eyes at me like I’m not even worthy of a response.

  “What are you doing two weeks from Saturday, Izzy?” Paul asks, leaning forward and distracting me from Rachel.

  I shrug, smiling at him. I worried for half a second that things would be awkward after we kissed in front of everyone, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. We’ve resumed our normal friendship and he’s been as sweet as ever. He really will make someone a brilliant boyfriend someday. “I don’t have plans.”

  He sends Pippa a sidelong glance. “It’s Pippa’s birthday. She’ll be 18.”

  “Ah, really?” I grin over at her. “Turning 18 in the UK is huge. Over there it means you can legally drink.”

  She shrugs, not looking at all like her usual cheery self. “It’s not a big deal.”

  I frown and look over at Paul, who is watching Pippa with concern.

  “Are you going to do something to celebrate?” I ask.

  “I’ll probably just have a movie and pizza night like always.”

  I narrow my eyes. “What do you want to do?”

  She shrugs, for the first time reminding me of a petulant child, whilst Rachel lets out a long exaggerated breath. “She wants to have a party, one of those huge ragers you always see in the movies with red cups and tonnes of people all there to celebrate her.” She rolls her eyes in Pippa’s direction. “It’s all very cliché.”

  “Shush,” Pippa hisses at Rachel, her cheeks pinking.

  Okay. “So have a party.” I look around at them. “I’ll be there.”

  She shrugs again, looking away. “It’s not gonna happen.”

  I frown. Why is she acting so strangely? “You can have a party if you want, Pippa.”

  “Where? In my tiny house?”

  I’ve never actually been to her house, but if that’s what she’s worried about… “You can have the party at my house.”

  Pippa’s mouth falls open in shock. “You’d do that?”

  I shrug. “Why not?” Rachel is staring at me dumbfounded. “What?” I ask self-consciously. Have I really been that much of a bitch that they don’t believe I’m being genuine? “It’ll be fun.”

  “Are you being serious?” Rachel asks.

  I nod as a flicker of interest appears in Pippa’s eyes, but then she shakes her head. “No. Thank you, but no.”

  “Why not?” I ask. “My house would be perfect. It’s not like my dad will be there.” Ethan and I both got an email yesterday confirming he’s spending the next couple of weeks in Europe before going back to New York where his main offices are. “It’s actually a pretty perfect party house. There’s the pool out back so people can swim if they want, and we could maybe play drinking games on the tennis courts. Actually, that’s a terrible idea—they’re too far away from the main house.”

  Rachel’s mouth gapes open slightly. “You have tennis courts?”

  I blush slightly. I should have thought about that before I spoke. I know everyone over here knows how much money my dad has, but that doesn’t make it normal. I’m certainly aware that tennis courts, a pool, and acres of land is not a normal family home. “Yeah.”

  Rachel lets out a low whistle, and the rest of them are looking at me too.

  I suddenly feel guilty that I’ve never invited them around. “What? It’s not a big deal.”


  Rachel shrugs and turns to Pippa. “So have your party at Izzy’s house.” She grins. “You might even get to see the room where Ethan sleeps,” she teases.

  Pippa immediately blushes bright red, and I see Paul stiffen slightly beside her. My eyes flash between the two of them; I have no idea what’s going on between those two, but I’d love to see them together.

  “You should let me throw you a party,” I tell Pippa, and I really mean it. She’s been nothing but nice to me since I moved here, and if this is what she wants then it’s the least I can do.

  “Really?” She’s still sceptical.

  I nod, warming to my theme. “You won’t have to do anything, just turn up and I’ll sort out everything else.”

  She’s not convinced. “That’s really nice of you, but no thanks.”

  Rachel snickers next to me, and when I glance over at her, she rolls her eyes again.

  “What? What am I missing?”

  “It’s just…it won’t be much of a party with just us guys,” Pippa says, looking around.

  “You can invite as many people as you want,” I tell her. “Invite the whole school for all I care.”

  Rachel snorts whilst Pippa glares at her.

  “What?” I demand.

  Rachel looks at me with pitying eyes. “You really are clueless, Izzy. She doesn’t want to host a big party and have only ten people show up. It’d be embarrassing.”

  Pippa blushes just at the thought of it. “More people will come than that,” I tell her. “We’ll just put the word out that there’s free booze. I’ll pay for it.”

  Rachel gapes at me whilst Pippa shakes her head. “It won’t work. Evie has her birthday a couple of days after mine. I’m sure she’ll be doing something that weekend to celebrate.”

  Oh.

  “Yeah,” Rachel breaks in. “Remember when we were little and you invited our whole class to the roller rink then she purposely changed the date of her party so it was the same as yours and everyone went there instead?”

  My jaw hangs open. “Why would she do that?” I demand.

  Pippa shrugs, like she’s resigned to it. “Why does she do anything?”

  “Right. Well, no. It’s your birthday two weeks on Saturday and I am going to throw you the biggest party this school has ever seen,” I tell her passionately, even more determined to do this now if it’ll piss Evie off. What is that girl’s problem? “How do I make sure everyone’s there?” I ask. This was never a problem in the UK. There was always a party and everyone was always invited. “Do I just go table to table and invite people?” I ask, looking around the large cafeteria.

  “Nah, you don’t need to waste your time.” Rachel smirks next to me. She nods her head towards the middle of the room. “You just need that table.”

  My eyes follow hers and I see Ethan’s table, packed full of people—as usual—with Finn and Ethan sat in the middle holding court as people hover around, almost like even if they can’t take a seat at the table, they still want to be in the periphery. “Ethan’s table?”

  She nods. “Actually, scrap that. You don’t need the whole table. You just need Ethan and Finn.”

  I turn back to look at her. “Ethan and Finn?”

  She smirks straight back at me. “Those are the only two people you need to make sure are at the party. Matty and Logan will follow them, then the football team, and then everyone else.” A small smile appears on my face as Rachel stares back at me. “Finn and Ethan,” she confirms. “Get them at your party and it’ll be the biggest of the weekend.”

  My eyes find Ethan and stay focussed on him, on how Evie is sat next to him, talking in his ear whilst he shakes his head at whatever she’s saying and shifts slightly away from her.

  “And Evie’s screwed you over before when it comes to parties?”

  Pippa’s eyes widen. “Don’t do anything,” she tells me hastily.

  My eyes meet Rachel’s, and she’s already watching me expectantly. “I’ll be right back.”

  I quickly scrape my chair back and stand up, ignoring Pippa’s frantic calls for me to stop as I start towards Ethan’s table. I weave my way through the crowded tables until I reach the middle and stop opposite Ethan. He looks up from his food, and his grin falters when he sees me looking down at him. The whole table gradually falls silent.

  Ethan places the burger back down on his tray and clears his throat. We haven’t spoken since I stalked off after the Kristen bombshell. God knows what he thinks about me after hearing that on top of everything else. “You okay?”

  “Sure.” I smile at him, and he looks back at me sceptically. I think this might actually be the first time I’ve approached him at school since I moved here. “What are you doing two weeks on Saturday?”

  “Why?”

  “I’m throwing a party. For Pippa. It’s her birthday.”

  He looks confused for a second. “Pippa Saltner?”

  I grin, pleased that he knows her. “Yup.”

  Logan frowns at me. “Who’s Pippa Saltner?”

  I sigh, knowing they’ve probably shared classes before, but instead of snapping at him, I give him my brightest smile. “She’s my friend.” I turn back to our table and see her watching us, completely mortified, and I wave at her. “Pretty blonde girl over there.” I look back at his table, my eyes darting around. “Seriously, I don’t know how you guys aren’t all trying to date her. Sweetest girl I know.”

  Logan peers around me in interest as the rest of the guys at the table do the same. Good. I’ve just made Pippa desirable to these guys who are conditioned to assume it’s only the popular girls who are worth taking an interest in.

  I glance back at Pippa, who is bright red and studiously looking away. She definitely knows she’s being spoken about. “That’s Pippa.”

  Ethan shifts in his seat. “So you’re throwing a party?”

  “Yep.”

  “At the house?”

  I nod.

  I can see his posture stiffen slightly. “Is McGarretty going to be there?”

  “No,” I scoff. Is he being serious?

  He runs his hand through his hair, looking seriously uncomfortable.

  “Wait—Ethan, you know I don’t speak to him, right? The only time I’ve seen him since that party was when he turned up here. I told you that’s done.”

  “So why does he keep calling you?”

  I snigger. “Because he’s a desperate beg?”

  He snickers, and I know he gets my London slang.

  I bite my lip and say what I should have said weeks ago. “That was a one-off. I was drunk and I’d taken a bunch of stuff and I was really, really sad and messed up. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry.” I pause, taking in the look of surprise on his face. “I really am sorry.”

  He nods, his eyes shifting over my face to try to see if I’m being serious. “Really?”

  “Really,” I confirm. “Honestly, it was the dullest ten minutes of my life.”

  Logan barks out a laugh. “Ten minutes?”

  I smirk. “Barely.”

  “Guys,” Ethan snaps. “I don’t need to hear about this.”

  I clap my mouth shut. He’s right. I certainly wouldn’t want to hear about his sex life.

  “What about your other guys?”

  I frown. “What other guys?”

  “Danny Fields.”

  I splutter out a laugh. “Nothing is going on there. Nothing—well, almost nothing—has happened between us.” I shake my head at the memory of Danny. It actually makes me cringe. “It’s not going to happen.”

  “But didn’t he give you those love bites?”

  “Let’s just say that was the only thing he was capable of giving me that night.”

  Logan starts laughing again, and this time Matty and a couple of their football buddies join in.

  A shiver runs through my body at the memory. “Honestly, the guy creeps me out.”

  Ethan shifts in his seat. “Marcus Bailey. I know you’re seeing him.�
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  I bite back a grin. “You’re right, I see him all the time. Marcus has been teaching me how to drive.”

  His jaw drops open. “What?”

  “I can’t drive. Well, I couldn’t. He’s been teaching me.”

  Honestly, he couldn’t look more shocked right now if I’d just told him the sky was green.

  “Shut up, Izzy,” Logan jumps in. He’s shaking his head. “You can drive.”

  I shrug. “Have you ever seen me drive?”

  That flummoxes him and I turn back to Ethan, who is looking at me like I’ve got two heads.

  “Come on, Ethan. Think about it—how old do you have to be to drive in the UK?”

  Understanding crosses his face. “Seventeen.”

  “And where did I live?”

  “London.”

  “And?”

  “And you don’t need to drive there because the public transport is so good.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrug. “You didn’t ask.”

  “And that’s why Paul’s been driving you around everywhere? And Marcus?”

  I nod. “I actually have my test tomorrow after school,” I tell him. I glance around at the rest of the table. “It’ll be pretty embarrassing if I fail now after I’ve just told you all.”

  He blinks at me, like this is too much information to take in. I’ve certainly just told him more about my life in the last couple of minutes than I have in years. “You have your driver’s test tomorrow?”

  “Yup.”

  “And you’re not seeing Marcus?”

  I shake my head. “Marcus hasn’t looked at me like that since you told him I’m seventeen. He was horrified. He’s just my friend, my good friend.”

  I see a movement out of the corner of my eye and notice Finn leaning forwards, focussed on my face. He’s taking all this in too, but I don’t look at him. I have no need to prove anything to him.

  Ethan looks away, thoughts obviously rushing through his mind.

  “So it’s just been McGarretty? Just the once?”

  I nod.

  His face pales. “But you let me say all those things…” He swallows. “About those guys.”