All That's Been Said

by Doherty, Emma

  I sit back and let my eyes scan the cafeteria as I take a bite out of my sandwich. My eyes fall on Evie, who is sat with a face like thunder, her arms crossed. Her eyes shoot around the room, glancing at the door, and it’s obvious she’s waiting for someone. My guess is it’s Ethan. Her eyes swing to me, and the look she sends me makes it obvious she can’t stand me, but she doesn’t hold my gaze and looks away, shifting in her seat. I guess what happened between us over the weekend has settled things between us. We don’t like each other, and there’s nothing we have in common anymore now that Ethan’s taken himself out of the picture. There’s no need for us to continue clashing, no need for us to speak. Hopefully we can just avoid each other for the rest of the school year and I can forget I ever met someone as unpleasant as Evie Tomlinson.

  Lila is in her ear, ranting about something; that much is obvious. She also keeps looking up at the cafeteria doors every couple of seconds, and whatever she’s saying, she’s clearly passionate about it. She pulls a mirror out of her bag and starts checking out her reflection, pouting before adding some lip gloss and then fluffing her hair. She turns to her friends for approval, and they nod encouragingly. For whatever reason, I don’t like the sight of Lila preening. She’s obviously waiting for someone, and I really don’t like the thought of who it is.

  My suspicions are confirmed when the doors to the cafeteria swing open and Finn walks in. Lila is on her feet in a second and rushing over to him. I bite down on the inside of my lip as I watch her approach him, reaching out a hand in a familiar way as she stops him from heading towards the lunch line. She holds on to his arm as she smiles flirtatiously and says whatever it is she has to say, stepping in way closer than is necessary and fluttering her eyelashes.

  A shoulder nudges mine and I glance over at Matty, who is smiling at me. He’s obviously seen what I have and is trying to reassure me or whatever, but I don’t smile back. Not when Finn’s ex is over there obviously laying it on him. Not when he laid it out for me at the weekend and I didn’t know what to say, just froze and stuttered and disappeared on him. Not when I struggled to tell him how I felt because I didn’t even know how I felt. Now I do. Now the sight of Lila all over him is making me sick to my stomach, and it makes me realise that no matter how pretty or convincing Lila is, I really don’t want him to go back to her. I really don’t want him to give up on me.

  My eyes hit my tray of food as I try to process my thoughts and what they mean, and they don’t move as the chatter resumes around me. I don’t want to see what’s happening with Finn and Lila.

  A couple of trays are placed down across from me and I look up to see Finn there with Ethan beside him. Before I can help it, my eyes dart over to their usual table, and I see Lila sat back down, her face covered in a frown whilst Evie and some of the other girls look over at us in annoyance. My guess is this is one of the first times Finn and Ethan haven’t sat at that table the whole time they’ve been at this school.

  “I guess we’re sitting over here today,” Finn says, his eyes fixed on my face. I take a steady breath and try to settle my nerves. I don’t know how to be around him. He makes me so nervous, so nervous I didn’t know what to say to him after he said all that stuff to me at the party. When a bunch of his teammates interrupted us a minute later, I took the opportunity to disappear and have done my best to ignore him ever since because I don’t know how to deal with these feelings he’s stirring up within me.

  “Yeah, I wanted a change,” Matty responds. “You actually get a pretty good view of the whole room back here.”

  Rachel snorts. “We’re by the garbage—that’s the only reason we’ve managed to snag this table. No one else wants it.”

  Ethan snickers and then looks over at me. “Wait—you’re not going to tell me to leave because you don’t want me anywhere near you, are you?”

  “No,” I reply, looking at him in a whole new light after Matty’s revelation about the homeless shelter. “Of course not. You guys can sit where you want.”

  “Careful, Izzy.” Finn cracks open his drink and takes a long swill. “You might actually sound like you don’t hate us.”

  I can’t help the small smile that tugs at my lips.

  “What was that about?” Matty asks Finn, nodding his head towards their usual table, where Lila’s still glaring over at us. Whatever happened, she’s clearly not happy about it.

  “What?”

  “With Lila.” Matty’s leg presses into me again, and I know he asked the question for me so I can get some answers. I can’t say I don’t appreciate it.

  “Oh. Lila wants us to get back together.”

  My heart slams in my throat at his frank admission. I don’t know why I’m surprised; Finn’s always been totally honest and up front with me. He doesn’t play games, so I shouldn’t be surprised that he’s answered the question honestly, and Lila’s certainly made her intentions obvious enough over the last couple of months.

  “Really?” Ethan sounds surprised as he takes a bite out of his burger. I glance sideways and see Rachel, Pippa, and Paul not even pretending not to be listening in on this. This is prime Northview High gossip they’re hearing first hand. “I thought you guys were properly over.”

  I hold my breath as I stare at the tray in front of me; I can’t look at Finn right now. They are over, right? Surely he wouldn’t say all that stuff to me at Pippa’s party if he was still interested in Lila.

  Finn doesn’t reply and I shift in my seat, feeling the tension radiate between us. It appears everyone is waiting for a response to Ethan’s question, but Finn seems unwilling to give it, and everything around the table seems to grind to a halt as they wait on him to speak.

  Eventually I can’t take it anymore. I look up and immediately his green eyes latch onto mine. He’s been staring at me the whole time, waiting for me to look at him.

  “We’re done,” he says, not breaking eye contact. “I couldn’t be less interested in Lila. We are totally over.”

  I swallow hard and wonder if everyone around the table can hear my heartbeat going crazy in my chest. He doesn’t want Lila. He’s not interested in her. That’s what he’s saying, right? Finn doesn’t want her. But does he want me? Does he still want me?

  “Izzy?”

  I’m so engrossed in Finn it takes me a couple of seconds to realise someone is saying my name.

  “Izzy?”

  I turn, flustered to see Benson Montgomery at the end of the table.

  “Hi,” I manage, sitting up and trying to pull myself together. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Ethan looking between me and Finn.

  “Hey.” Benson’s eyes dart around the table before focussing on me. “I thought we could catch up?”

  I blink at him. Catch up?

  “Um…what?” I can’t imagine what Benson Montgomery and I have to catch up on. We’ve had three conversations our whole lives, none of which have lasted more than a couple of minutes.

  Benson clears his throat. “I’d like to talk to you.”

  “Okay…” Does he mean privately? “What’s up?”

  He hesitates for only a second before straightening up. “I’d like to take you out on a date. This Saturday night. I think we’d have a great time.”

  A date? Is he being serious? I stare at him in confusion for a couple of seconds. I really don’t understand him. He’s pretty good-looking and obviously rich and thinks a lot of himself. I honestly can’t imagine why he keeps asking me out when I’ve shown zero interest in him. It’s bizarre. It’s like he thinks just because our families are friends, we need to be together.

  “Um…”

  “I’ll of course pick you up from your house, and I thought we could grab dinner at the country club before finding somewhere a little quieter.”

  I cock an eyebrow at him as Ethan turns rigid in his seat and asks, “And why exactly would you need somewhere quieter with my sister?”

  Benson at least manages to look sheepish under Ethan’s scrutiny, and I’m h
onestly baffled. I wouldn’t want to be alone with Benson if you paid me a million pounds. I have zero interest in the guy.

  I have a moment of clarity. “Has my grandmother made you ask me out? Is this what this is about?”

  He hesitates, and I know I’m right. “She might have mentioned we’d be a good match and that I’d be a positive influence.”

  Of course she did! We might be on better terms, but that doesn’t mean she’s going to change her ways after a lifetime of thinking she knows best.

  “My grandmother doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

  “Well…I think she could be onto something. We’d certainly make an attractive couple.”

  “She said no, Montgomery.” Finn’s voice is cold from across the table, and my eyes swing to him. He’s looking at Benson like he wants to throttle him.

  Benson smirks at Finn, and I remember the bad blood between them over Lila. “I didn’t actually hear her say that, Sullivan.”

  “It’s a no,” I tell him immediately. I feel Finn’s gaze shift to me. “It’s never gonna happen. I’m not interested in you.”

  He looks outraged for a second whilst Ethan lets out a chuckle, but I don’t see the rest of his reaction because I turn my head to face Finn, who is already looking at me. Intensely.

  I take a shuddery breath but don’t look away. I don’t look away even though I can feel the whole table looking at me and taking in whatever is happening between me and Finn.

  He sits back in his seat, shifting so he’s almost slumped, looking for all the world like he doesn’t have any concerns whilst never taking his eyes off me. “So you’re not interested in Montgomery, huh?”

  I shake my head. “No, I am totally not interested in Benson Montgomery.”

  His lips quirk as I paraphrase what he said about Lila. He doesn’t say anything else, just stares at me whilst I stare back at him, this gorgeous guy with the best heart who doesn’t take any of my crap and who I know I can depend on. I drink him in and hope I’m good enough for him. I hope I’m good enough not to mess this up.

  There’s complete silence around us, and I know they all know something is going on here. They can tell something important is happening between us, and I can feel it too, can feel that this might be one of the most important things that has ever happened to me.

  “So,” Finn finally says, a small smile playing on his lips, “if you’re not interested in Benson Montgomery…who are you interested in?”

  You. You, you, you.

  I know now more than I’ve ever known anything that I want Finn Sullivan. No matter how scary it is to like someone this much, no matter how scary it is to want somebody so much you feel like you can’t breathe near them. I want him. I. want. him.

  I open my mouth to say it. I swear I open my mouth to tell him he’s the one I want and I’m finally ready to admit it.

  And then the bell rings to signal the end of lunch.

  Rachel lets out a groan of frustration at the interruption, and it brings me back to where we are: the middle of the cafeteria where I was about to lay it out for Finn.

  He hasn’t moved, still just staring back at me.

  A whistle is blown. “Sullivan, Carlington, let’s go! All of you, move it! What are you doing just sitting there?”

  I stare at Coach Dyson in bewilderment as he tries to jostle his players along. Obviously there’s some kind of team thing they’re supposed to be doing.

  Finn still doesn’t move, and it takes his coach practically blowing the whistle in his face for Finn to finally break out of whatever trance we’re in. He reluctantly stands whilst his coach talks at his players obliviously. He sends me one last look over his shoulder and then he’s gone.

  I still don’t move. I don’t think I’m physically capable of that right now.

  “Wow,” Rachel exclaims. She looks after Finn. “The sexual tension was killing me. If you don’t jump on him, I think I will.”

  I don’t know what to say to that, so I don’t say anything.

  I’m still thinking about Finn in my last lesson of the day. The truth is I haven’t thought about much else since lunchtime.

  My eyes are fixed on the clock in the corner of the room, and I’m not even pretending to listen to my English teacher’s analysis of a poem. I could not care less right now. The only thing I currently have any interest in is Finn Sullivan.

  Have I messed it up? Should I have said something to him at lunch? Should I have ignored his coach and everyone around us and just told him I’m ready, ready for whatever it is he’s willing to give me? Because right now I feel as though any of Finn is better than none of him.

  There’s a knock at the door and I look up to see Ethan there.

  “Hey, Mr. Peters. Izzy and I have to go to the office for a couple of minutes.”

  “No problem at all.” Mr. Peters turns to me expectantly, and nerves assault my body. What would the office want with me and Ethan? What’s wrong? What’s happened?

  With a feeling of dread, I stand and walk towards my brother, praying nothing bad has happened.

  I step outside, and Ethan closes the door behind us and starts strolling down the hallway. He looks like he doesn’t have a care in the world.

  “What is it?” I ask him. “What’s happened?”

  He glances sideways at me. “Oh, nothing’s wrong. I just wanted to talk to you.”

  My jaw drops. “Are you being serious?” I shove him as hard as I can in irritation. “School is over in twenty minutes. You couldn’t wait to talk to me then?”

  He looks surprised at my reaction. He’s not to know I got pulled from a class by our mum when she needed to tell me she was sick. He doesn’t know because I’ve never told him.

  He grins and opens a side door that leads to the stairs that take you up to the science block, but he makes no attempt to climb them.

  “What are we doing?”

  “Standing here so no one can see us.”

  I roll my eyes. “I mean what are you doing pulling me out of class?!”

  “Oh.” A smirk fills Ethan’s face as he crosses his arms and attempts to give me a stern look.

  “Ethan, you have like two seconds to tell me what’s going on.”

  “You and Finn.”

  Okay, that I wasn’t expecting.

  “What about me and Finn?”

  “Oh, don’t play stupid. I’m not blind. I saw that scene at lunch.”

  I try my hardest not to blush. In hindsight, it would have been much better for us to have that conversation in private, not that it was much of a conversation. We didn’t get that far.

  Ethan stares at me for a few moments. “He likes you, you know. A lot.”

  I nod. I think I know that. I think I believe him.

  He shakes his head. “I can’t believe it took me so long to figure it out, to be honest. We never used to hang out at my house. It was always his then suddenly he was all ‘Let’s go back to your place.’”

  I grin. I can’t help it. That makes me ridiculously happy.

  “Do you like him?”

  I’m cautious. I don’t know why, but I am, and I don’t answer him. Hurt crosses Ethan’s face, and I instantly regret it. He mistakes me not wanting to talk about Finn aloud until I’ve spoken with Finn to me not trusting my brother with my feelings.

  “Look…he’s a good guy. The best. If you have to be with someone, you could be with a lot worse than Finn.”

  Is he kidding? Like I don’t know that? Like I don’t know I would be punching way above my weight with Finn?

  “Just don’t hurt him, yeah? Don’t break his heart.”

  I don’t think that’s likely. The way I feel right now, I can’t imagine ever purposely doing anything that would make Finn not want to be near me. The thought alone hurts too much.

  Ethan’s face turns serious. “I just wanted to tell you I think he’d be good for you, Biz. I think he’d look after you, and you need that sometimes, even if you don’t want to admit it
.”

  Emotion rushes through me. The fact that my twin brother has pulled me out of class to tell me he thinks Finn and I would be good together, to reassure me that he’s okay with it and that he cared enough to do it makes me more emotional than I’d like to admit.

  “So you’re giving us your blessing?”

  “Yup.” He pauses and then shivers as a thought runs through his head. “Although I don’t want to hear anything about it, okay? I don’t need to be seeing you two hooking up or anything, and I do not want to hear any details either.”

  I bark out a laugh and he grins back at me.

  “This is going to be good, Biz.”

  I think he might be right.

  I’m back in my English class for only five minutes before the final bell rings for the day, and now I’m hastily making my way to my locker to throw my books into it before I try to track Finn down.

  I spin the lock, throw my locker open, and dump my books in record time then I slam it shut, turn around to rush down the corridor, and nearly jump out of my skin.

  Finn is leaning against the locker two down from mine with his eyes fixed on me.

  “Hey.”

  I’m suddenly tongue-tied. What do I say to him? I don’t want to do this wrong. I don’t want to mess this up before it’s even begun.

  I glance down the hallway and see Ethan stood by his locker with Matty and Logan. They’re doing a really bad job of pretending they’re not watching us.

  Finn takes a step closer to me, and I’m rooted to the spot. I forget about where I am and who’s about. All I see is Finn.

  “I’m tired,” he tells me. “Of this.”

  My heart slams in disappointment. He’s tired of me already?

  He takes a step closer. “I’m tired of Benson Montgomery thinking you might be interested in him.” Another step towards me. “I’m tired of the way the guys around here look at you, hoping for a shot with you. I’m tired of people thinking you’re available and would even consider them.”