The Astronomer

by Charmaine Pauls

  “I’ll be at the office.”

  “Are you sure about not staying as planned? You look tired. I’m not sure the traveling is a good idea.”

  “I need to go.” Fraya got to her feet. “Thank you. I’ll wait for your call.”

  * * * *

  Fraya aired the condo and fed Al. She called Tim to tell him she was back, and that he didn’t have to come in to take care of Al. If he was surprised, he didn’t voice it. Thankfully, Tim didn’t ask any questions regarding her hasty return. Work and the emotional drama had taken its toll. She was tired. She had gotten home just before sunset on Saturday evening and fell into bed without dinner or a bath. When she woke the following morning, she was starving. She ate a breakfast of French toast and artificial yoghurt, and not knowing how else to keep busy without thinking about Emilio, she drove to the office.

  She noticed a light coming from under the door of Saunders’s office and popped her head around the corner. He was bent over a file, his reading glasses pinched on the bridge of his nose.

  “It’s Sunday, you know,” Fraya said.

  Saunders lowered the file and smiled. “I could say the same to you.” He got up and walked to the liquor cabinet. He lifted a bottle of Johnny Walker. “Drink?”

  “No thanks.” Fraya took a seat on the sofa. “It’s early for that, don’t you think?”

  Saunders poured himself a drink before he took the chair facing her.

  “I’m officially off duty.” He smiled. “And with the problems I’ve been facing this morning, who wouldn’t be drinking?”

  “Tough job, eh?”

  He studied her. “Why are you here instead of at home, Dr. Riber?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “I have time.”

  She looked at him in surprise.

  He smiled. “I’m not the monster I seem to be.”

  She said, “You could have fooled me,” but returned the smile.

  “Whatever you decide, just remember that family always comes first.”

  “What?”

  “I know the decision you have to make is a tough one. I know how much that job in Peru means to you. I also know it’s not smooth sailing where your mate is concerned.”

  “What exactly are you saying?”

  “Just that, no matter what the SWO expects of you, you have to do what’s right for you.”

  “I intend to.” She got up. “I’m going to tidy my office.”

  “If there’s ever been a statement of marital problems, then that’s it.”

  She snorted, but gave him a friendly pat on the hand before she left.

  Fraya filed, tidied her desk and cleaned her office. She went home to Al, and did something she hadn’t done in a while–she cried herself to sleep. She woke up spent, tired, hungry and sad. Dragging herself through a shower and back to the office, Fraya sat listlessly in front of her desk, staring at papers but reading nothing. The ring of the phone shook her from her reverie. She answered, expecting Tracy or Saunders or Tim, but Lavigne’s voice had her sitting on the edge of her chair. The doctor’s greeting was too kind, not professional.

  “Is something wrong?” Fraya asked.

  “It depends on how you look at it,” Lavigne said. “You’re pregnant.”

  “What?”

  “Four weeks.”

  “But ... how?”

  “Fraya...”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “You altered the hormone dose, increased it without consulting me. The birth control shot wasn’t effective. It’s like taking antibiotics that eliminates an oral contraceptive. That’s probably why you weren’t affected by the hormones when I saw you.”

  “You knew, didn’t you?”

  “I suspected, but I wasn’t sure.”

  “And Emilio? Will his need cease, like mine?”

  “Did you kiss him?”

  “Yes.”

  “In that case, you’ve given him the hormone to eliminate the need, yes.”

  Fraya was silent for a while.

  “Are you alright, Fraya? Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No. I just need some time. To get used to the idea. Before I tell Emilio.”

  “I get it. Call me.”

  Fraya hung up without saying goodbye.

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  She was pregnant! Fraya’s hand went to her belly. A surge of happiness swept through her. They were going to have a baby! In that instant her life fell into place. The pieces she had tried to analyze with painstaking uncertainty during the past few months suddenly came together in a clear picture. She loved Emilio. She wanted this child. And she knew he wanted her to stay. There was no question about her decision now. There was no way she could give up a family for a job in Peru. Nothing seemed more important than raising this child with her mate, her husband. Suddenly she realized that this is what she had wanted, more than anything, even more than her dream. It had become her dream. Baby or no baby, she knew what her answer was always going to be. Her only concern was how Emilio would feel about the news. Her hopes were high. She recalled her conversation with Lavigne, who had told her that Emilio wanted a family of his own. Hardly able to contain herself, she prepared her things to leave for Santiago in the afternoon. This was something she wanted to tell Emilio in person. She couldn’t wait two weeks to share this with him. Thoughts of their future dominated her mind as she fed Al and left the key with Tim. The loose ends could finally be tied together. She should tell Saunders.

  Saunders didn’t make her wait. He stood up when she entered his office, his face tense with anticipation.

  Fraya smiled. It felt as if the happiness was going to explode from within her.

  “Hey,” she said, walking over to his desk.

  “I guess this is no social call,” he said, returning her smile.

  “I’ve decided.” She bit her lip.

  His shoulders stooped, his stance becoming one of accepted defeat. “You’re not going to Peru, are you?”

  She shook her head slowly. “I’m pregnant.”

  She saw his eyes light up. “Are you asking for your old job back?”

  “No. Maybe I’ll consider working in Santiago one day. For now, I want time to be with my husband, and our baby. I haven’t given him much of me in the short year we’ve been together. I have a lot to make up for.”

  “I’m sorry to lose you. You’re a great astronomer. And a great leader. An even better explorer.”

  Her smile turned lopsided. “I hope I’ll make a good mother.”

  “I’m sure you will.” He straightened. “Congratulations, kid.”

  “Who will replace me for the Peru project?” she said, already knowing the answer.

  “Andrews.”

  She handed him her resignation and said, hopeful, “Will you keep me updated with what’s happening in Peru?”

  “You know it’ll be confidential.”

  “Sure.”

  “But call on us, will you? There’s nothing in the contract saying we can’t keep in touch.”

  “I’ll do that. I have to go home, tell Emilio. I’ll be back next week to tie up the loose ends.”

  He nodded, seeming sad, but then he made an effort to look cheerful. “Go on. Get out of here.”

  Fraya shot him a grateful look before she almost skipped to the car and the waiting plane.

  * * * *

  Fraya burst through the door of their Santiago home. She had been rehearsing the words in her mind all the way here, trying to anticipate Emilio’s reaction. She was so happy she only wanted to jump into his arms. Finally, their future would come together. It would be smooth-sailing from now on, she promised herself. No more holding back.

  When she walked through the double doors of the lounge, she stopped dead in her tracks. Emilio stood at the far window, looking strangely distressed, while his mother sat on a couch next to the coffee table. A little boy of about one year was playing with a truck on the carpet at Isabella’s feet. Fraya looked
from Emilio to the boy. When her eyes came to rest on Isabella, her mother-in-law looked away quickly and got to her feet. She took the dark-haired boy’s hand. “Come Antonio, let’s go play outside.”

  Fraya watched, a feeling of confusion growing inside her, as the older woman and the child made their way to the kitchen. The boy glanced back over his shoulder at Emilio. His hair was curly, in need of a cut, and his clothes looked worn. He had a look of apprehension about him, of vulnerability that struck a cord deep within her. Fraya felt compassion wash over her for the little creature, even if she couldn’t explain it. Her bewilderment made space for a feeling of dread. The atmosphere in the room was tense. When Isabella and the boy got to the entrance of the kitchen, the boy stopped, still staring at Emilio. Fraya saw something in Emilio’s eyes she had never seen before. Endearment? Pain? Regret?

  Isabelle gently tugged at the boy’s hand. “Come on, honey. Come with granny.”

  Granny? Fraya’s head shot around to Emilio.

  The expression of sorrow in his blue eyes was now unmistakable. He moved to her, coming to a stop a few paces away from her.

  “I didn’t expect you until next week,” he said softly.

  “What’s going on, Emilio?”

  He glanced in the direction that the boy and Isabella had disappeared into. “I need to know what you’ve decided, Fraya.” His eyes were intense as they bore into hers. “I don’t want to rush you. I know I said to take two weeks, but everything depends on you.”

  “I don’t understand,” she said meekly.

  “Suzanne paid me a visit yesterday. The boy’s mine.” He studied her for a long time. “His name is Antonio,” he said, his voice barely audible.

  Fraya stood motionless, waiting for the information to sink in.

  “He’s yours?”

  “Yes. I didn’t know until yesterday. Suzanne and I had been lovers almost two years ago.”

  She searched his face. Her world was once more coming apart.

  “What depends on me?” she said as the feeling of dread intensified.

  “Suzanne is willing to grant me visitation rights to see Antonio, but there’s a condition.”

  Coldness enveloped her. “What condition?”

  “She won’t let me see him if you stay.”

  Fraya felt weak. “I don’t understand.”

  “By now the whole city is talking about our agreement, Fraya. Everyone knows our mating is a farce. Everyone knows the year you’ve given me is up, everyone including Suzanne. She wants me to choose–you or Antonio.”

  Suddenly everything was clear. “She wants to get back together with you.”

  “She wants to ... be friends,” he said. “In return, she’ll let me have full visitation rights. She agreed to let Antonio stay with me for a while, for us to get to know each other.”

  “But why now? Why only tell you after all these months?”

  “She was with someone else, but it didn’t work out.”

  “But can she do that? Surely, as the father, you have legal rights?”

  “No, Fraya. We’re not mated. I have no rights. If Suzanne mates, her new husband will have the option to adopt Antonio, unless she grants it to me. It all depends on Suzanne’s goodwill.”

  Belief refused to settle in her mind. “How can she put you in such a position?”

  “Antonio hasn’t had it easy in his short, little life, Fraya. From what I’ve gathered Suzanne has neglected him. Her previous lover was a cruel substitute for a father. Antonio is frightened. He shies away from affection.”

  “And you hope to rectify it.”

  He took both her hands in his, his eyes pleading. “Fraya, I need to know what your decision is. I need you to grasp the importance of your choice. If you decide to stay, to be my mate, not just in name but in heart, I’ll give him up, I’ll give everything up, to be with you. My parents will ensure that Antonio is taken care of, both physically as well as emotionally, even if Suzanne denies me access to my child. I need to know if you care enough, if you can love me enough to try and build a future with me. But if you’ve decided to accept the job in Peru, to take the freedom I’ve promised you, I need to know now.”

  Fraya looked at him in disbelief. Her heart was being ripped out of her chest and trampled into the ground. How could she tell him about their baby now? How could she ask him to turn his back on Antonio? She could never take him away from that little boy, who seemed to need love and care so much.

  She looked through the window to where Antonio was walking on unsteady little feet quietly through the garden, his tiny hand in Isabella’s. The pain of knowing what she had to do was almost unbearable. Emilio knew about Antonio. He didn’t know about the child she carried. If she went away, he would never have to know, never have to suffer the knowledge. Antonio needed Emilio. Her baby would always have her. The more she thought about it, the more she knew there was really no other choice.

  She bit back the tears and forced a bright smile onto her face. “Well, then it’s worked out quite well.” Already she saw his eyes clouding over, emotions darkening his beautiful eyes. “It’s worked out well, Emilio, because I came to tell you that I’ve accepted the job in Peru.”

  He nodded solemnly. It didn’t come as a shock to Fraya that this was the answer he had expected. How could she blame him? She had never shown her feelings. He had to believe that she was cold and uncaring.

  “The mating ... I haven’t told you yet because of all that’s happened, but before you came home for the party, Marguerite said she developed a new serum and she’s almost a hundred percent certain that it will cure our need.”

  Fraya just stared at him. Now he would never know that they had both been cured, for life. She would let him believe that it was the serum that did the trick. She would swear Lavigne to silence.

  “Fraya, you’ll always be my mate. Nothing can undo that.” His eyes slipped longingly to the tattoo on her wrist. “But I’ve promised to set you free, and I’ll keep my promise. You’ll never need for anything. I’ll provide well for you. Whatever you need...”

  She shook her head. She wouldn’t be able to bear the contact, to know he was happy, maybe even with Suzanne, a daddy to Antonio, while she would feel an emptiness for the rest of her life.

  “No, Emilio. I don’t want anything from you. I want a clean break.”

  He seemed unhappy, but he put his hands resignedly into his pockets. “I understand. You need a new beginning. Promise me, if you ever need anything, you’ll let me know.”

  “I won’t need anything.”

  “I see.”

  They stared at each other, but there was nothing left to say.

  “I’ll arrange for my things to be collected,” Fraya said. “I’ll inform Maria when.” She turned.

  “Fraya?”

  “Yes?”

  “I hope you’ll be happy.”

  She smiled and walked from the room before he could see the tears she couldn’t contain any longer.

  * * * *

  Emilio watched Fraya walk from his life. It recalled the awful memory of the day she drove away in Zone 11, leaving him desolate on the side of the road. The agony he felt after he realized that Fraya wasn’t going to come back was one of the worst emotions he had experienced in his life. Afterwards it felt like he was in hell. This time, though, the cut was deeper. A part of him had always known, deep down, that he would see her walk away once more. He had promised her freedom, and his hope of winning her love had dwindled as the months had worn away. Fraya needed him on a physical level, but she didn’t want him on an emotional one. Now, he was torn in two between his love for and loyalty to his mate, and his son. Fraya had made the choice for him. There was nothing left to do. He watched her get into the car and turned away from the window. He couldn’t bear to see the vehicle drive through his gates. The last time she had left him, he had searched high and low, sworn that he wouldn’t rest until the day he found her. When he did, he made it his business to become her shadow
, to know her better than what she knew herself. This time, he couldn’t survive it. He wouldn’t gather information, photos and reports from his investigators. He would always need her, always love her, but he had gambled and he had lost. This time, for his own sake, he had to let her go. Still, he would send points to her account. He had promised that much and it was all he could do. He felt hollow and empty. Damn Suzanne, for keeping him in the dark and for manipulating him with his own blood. From this day forward, he would live for his son. There was nothing else left to exist for.

  * * * *

  Fraya found Pablo and told him to drive her straight back to the zone station. He seemed surprised, but he obeyed wordlessly. The pilot was even more taken aback, but he got clearance and they landed in the Atacama Desert in the evening. This time Tim expressed concern about Fraya’s jet hopping between Santiago and Antofagasta, but she ignored him, offering no explanation when she took back her keys.

  Fraya went to bed, refusing to think, trying not to remember, but she couldn’t sleep. When the sun was up, she went to the office and found Saunders in early. He looked up, alarm creeping into his eyes.

  “Fraya?”

  She managed a weak smile. “Have you submitted my resignation?”

  “I was just about to.”

  “Better tear it up, then.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “I accept the position in Peru, after all.”

  “But you’re pregnant.”

  “It won’t interfere with my job.”

  He got up and moved around his desk. “That’s not what I meant.”

  “I want to leave tomorrow.”

  “Was Emilio upset about the baby?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it, Ben.”

  He seemed taken aback upon hearing her using his first name. “Alright.” He looked uncertain. “I’ll tell Tracy to make the arrangements.” He paused. “Are you sure about this, Fraya?”

  “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

  “I don’t feel comfortable–”

  “For God’s sake, Saunders, this is not about your feelings. Just get me on the next flight to Peru.”

  Tears she couldn’t hold back any longer streamed down her face. At the sight of her breakdown, Saunders winced.