Lust & Trust

by Amanda Cain

  “Where does your mom think you are?”

  “At Stacy’s.”

  “We need to get you home before your Mom finds out you’re gone. She is going to think I planned this. She might try to stop me from seeing you.”

  “No! I will tell her it was all me. She will believe me.”

  “So, you’re going to tell your mom that you lied to her, got on a plane, using a credit card I gave you, and came to see my girlfriend … ex-girlfriend,” I corrected. “You think she is going to be alright with that?” I was agitated but didn’t mean to be so harsh.

  “Dad, I’m so sorry. Would Mom really keep me from seeing you?” She started sobbing again, breaking my heart.

  I rocked her in my arms. “No, honey, I don’t think your mom would do that, but let’s not take any chances. Let’s keep this as our secret.” God, I hated asking my daughter to keep secrets, but I knew full well Lindsey would use this against me, and yes, she would probably keep Melissa away from me, at least for a while.

  Melissa nodded her head. “Okay.”

  “Sweetheart, I’m not sure why you thought going to Emma’s was a good idea, but I’m an adult, and I don’t want my little girl worrying about my love life.”

  “I’m not a little girl, Dad. I may not know what’s going on between you two, but I know you and Emma have feelings for each other, and you were happy when you were together. You were different, Dad, not sad inside.”

  “Time for you to go to bed,” I said, sighing. “I’ll arrange tickets back to Chicago. And, Melissa, no more interfering in my love life, understood? “

  “Understood,” she said and hopped into bed.

  “Dad, can you bring me Pooka?”

  I went through Melissa’s bag. “Pooka isn’t here. You must’ve forgotten him at home.”

  “No, I had him at Emma’s. Oh! I must have left him there.” She winced.

  “Crap, are you sure?”

  She nodded her head.

  “Well, you will need to do without him until I can buy you another.”

  “Daddy!” she coiled in horror.

  “Fine, I will get Pooka for you. Aren’t you a little old for toys?”

  “Which is it, Dad? Am I a little girl or a grown-up? Besides, you bought him for me a long time ago. He’s special!”

  “I remember.” She was so excited when I gave her that silly panda. “Get some rest.”

  I booked us both morning flights back to Chicago and said a silent prayer that she would arrive back at her mom’s before Lindsey found out she hadn’t stayed at Stacey’s.

  I dropped Melissa off a few houses down from Lindsey’s so she wouldn’t see my car. I hated to do it, but I told Melissa if her mom asked to please tell her that Stacy’s mom had dropped her off. I had called Jenna, and Lindsey had not called her nor had she called Melissa’s phone, so we should be okay.

  I would rather ask my child to lie then risk losing her. The shit we put our daughter through was ridiculous!

  Back at my apartment, I dialed Emma. I might as well get this over.

  She picked up on the first ring. “Ryan.”

  “Do you have Pooka?”

  “What?”

  “Pooka. He’s Melissa’s stuffed panda. It was a present from me. Did she leave it at your house?”

  “That’s it? The only reason you called is to ask me if I have your daughter’s stuffed panda.” Her voice became increasingly louder as she talked. “A daughter, by the way, I didn’t know existed until yesterday.”

  “Emma you are being irrational!”

  “Irrational?”

  “Yes, irrational! Would you please answer me? Is my daughter’s stuffed panda at your house?” I reiterated, pronouncing each word like I was talking to a child.

  “Yes. Yes, Mr. Smith, it is,” she said and hung up.

  “What the bloody hell?” I placed the phone down and ran my fingers through my hair. Why is she acting so crazy? She broke our agreement. She is the one who moved on! I called her again.

  She answered on the first ring again.

  “Yes, Mr. Smith, can I help you?”

  “Yes, you can. Would you mind mailing Pooka back to me? You can ship him to …”

  “Yes, Ryan, I would mind.”

  “You won’t send me my daughter’s stuffed toy?” I asked incredulously.

  “That is correct, Mr. Smith. If you want Pooka back, you will need to come get it personally.” Her voice was flat and emotionless.

  What the fuck? Why would she want me to pick it up?

  “Emma …”

  “Mr. Smith, this is not …”

  “Stop calling me Mr. Smith!” I said, my frustration growing.

  “That is your name, right?”

  “Please,” I began again.

  “Mr. Smith, this is not up for negotiation. If you want your daughter’s panda back, you will need to come get him.”

  “Fine! I will come get the damn panda! But only because I love my daughter! When do you want me to come by?”

  “Now, now is a good time.” And she hung up again.

  “Now?” I replied, having a conversation with myself. “Now? You know what, now it is!”

  Let’s do this! I will hop on another plane, go to Denver and pick up Pooka. Then I will return to Chicago, call Jenna, and take her up on her offer of fucking my brains out!

  Yes, that was the plan. I called the airlines.

  Chapter 23

  Emma

  I was shocked at my own behavior. Did I just hold his daughter’s panda for ransom? Well, I guess I did!

  Char told me that when she and Melissa had gone to retrieve her stuff, Melissa had taken Pooka out of her bag and hid him behind the couch. If his daughter went through all that trouble, and she thought it was important Ryan and I talked, then dammit we were going to talk!

  Thirty minutes later, Char called.

  “Oh my God, Em!”

  “What is it? Are you okay? How is Bob?” I asked, my voice rising in alarm.

  “Yes, yes, we’re fine. Well, he won’t be once I figure out what is going on.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “Ryan, I’m talking about Ryan.”

  “Dammit, Char! You need to start making some sense!”

  “Bob knows him!” she said. “The bastard won’t tell me how and he won’t say much, but he asked me to tell you to trust him.”

  “Bob knows Ryan? From before the barbecue at your house?”

  “Yes! I have been arguing with him for the last hour, but he won’t tell me anything! He knows about Ryan’s daughter, and he’s met Ryan’s wife.”

  “You mean ex-wife.”

  “No, I mean wife.”

  “What?”

  Ryan is married and has been since he was seventeen, but they are not living together.

  “Why aren’t they divorced?” My eyes teared up.

  “Bob won’t say. Em, I’m sorry, but that is all he would tell me. Whatever else Ryan is hiding, he thinks it is important Ryan tells you himself. I am so mad at Bob for not telling me this sooner! I only got this much out of him when I told him about Ryan’s daughter coming to see you.”

  “I can’t believe Bob knows him,” I said.

  “I know, Em. I’m pissed, but if Bob says you should trust Ryan—I can’t believe I’m saying this … you should call Ryan.”

  “I don’t need to.”

  “Why?”

  “Because he is coming here.”

  “What? When?”

  “I’m not sure, but I think tonight.”

  “The panda?”

  “Yup.”

  “Good luck, Em. Stay calm, try to figure out what’s real.”

  “Thanks, Char. I love you. Bob’s in big trouble.”

  “Love you too, and yes he is.” We hung up.

  Exhausted, I couldn’t think. I needed a nap. Ryan can’t possibly show up tonight. Hell, if he was in Chicago, I was sure he wouldn’t. I stripped my clothes off and for some s
tupid reason put on Ryan’s shirt and crawled into bed.

  Four hours later, I heard loud banging on my door. Sierra started barking. Still groggy from my nap, I went to the door. I left the chain on and peeked through the crack. Ryan stood on the other side of the door, looking frustrated and angry.

  I let him in. Standing in the hallway, he glared at me like I had done something horrible and unforgivable. I had forgotten that all I had on was his shirt and my panties. “I’m sorry, I just woke up. I didn’t expect you to be here so soon.”

  “I can’t believe you’re wearing that.” His cold gaze ripped right through me as he stared at me. “You said now was a good time, so here I am. I kept my part of the deal. Now please keep yours and give me Pooka so I can get out of here.”

  His deep voice was distant and his piercing green eyes were full of disdain and distrust. I searched my brain for a way to stall him, some way of opening up dialogue so I could find out what changed … why he was so angry.

  There was another loud knock on the door. We both turned toward the door which was still unlocked.

  Randy and John came barging in. “Sweetie, are you okay?” John asked in his usual feminine, overly dramatic way. Randy’s arm draped protectively around John as he glared at Ryan. They were shirtless; it was obvious we had interrupted them.

  “Why are you back?” Randy snarled impatiently. He turned toward me. “We heard some lunatic hammering on your door. Is everything alright?”

  “Yes, guys, everything is fine. I appreciate you looking after me though.”

  Ryan stood there looking dumbfounded.

  “Come on, John, we’ve got some business of our own to finish. Em, you scream if you need me. I’m right next door,” Randy said, eyeing Ryan suspiciously as he pulled the door shut behind him.

  Ryan still said nothing.

  I walked to the refrigerator and opened two beers. “We need to talk.”

  “Those are your neighbors?”

  “Yeah, Randy and John. I tried to introduce you to Randy yesterday, but you were … well … not in the mood.”

  “Randy is your gay neighbor?” he said, letting each word hang in the air like he was still processing the thought.

  “Yes, Ryan. What are you homophobic or something?” My own anger started to build.

  “No, no, Em. I’m not homophobic. What I am is an idiot,” he said, his eyes now traveling freely over my body.

  “Ryan, I don’t understand any of this. What is going on?”

  “I have a lot to explain.” He started walking toward me. “You may never want to see me again when I do.” He took the beer from my hand.

  Was he serious? Was he seriously going to try to seduce me now? After all this? And was I going to let him?

  That was the last rational thought I had before his lips touched mine.

  Chapter 24

  Emma

  Picking me up, he carried me to the bedroom. Ryan put me down at the edge of the bed and unbuttoned my shirt.

  “Once again I believe this belongs to me, and I’m afraid I must ask you to remove it.” He undid the last button and slid it off my shoulders then gently pulled off my underwear.

  “Em, I missed you so much,” he continued as he took off his own clothes and pulled me down on the bed with him.

  We lay naked, facing each other. Ryan reached up and brushed the hair away from my face. Despite everything that had happened, lying naked in bed with Ryan felt right. Being with him was always as comfortable as if I’d known him all my life and as exciting as if I’d just met him.

  “You may want me to leave after I share the details of my life, so what I am hoping is that before we go down that road, you crawl on top of me and let me …”

  I wanted the same thing. I thought for a second about Bob telling Char I should trust him. I straddled him, slipped him inside me, and let my lips touch his.

  “Thank you, Em. Thank you! You are the most fantastic woman I’ve ever known.” He groaned.

  My body ached for him. We moved meticulously slow in no hurry for this to ever end. He rolled us over, penetrating me as he explored my mouth with his tongue. We both came close to coming several times but stopped short, neither one of us ready to finish, loving the sensation of being together.

  We had been intimate often in the past, every time fantastic, but this was different. This was making love. This was never wanting to let go, needing to be a part of each other in whatever way possible.

  “I want to be inside you forever.” He leaned in and kissed me, the rhythm of his kiss mimicking the force of his penetration. At first, each thrust was slow and deliberate then harder and deeper. His kiss, his touch, my awareness of him pushing into me, everything he did made every nerve ending in my body scream. I had missed him so much!

  My orgasm was so intense while I gazed into Ryan’s mesmerizing green eyes. My breath caught in my throat. I didn’t say it out loud, but the words “I love you” floated dangerously around the perimeters of my brain once again.

  We lay there entangled in each other’s arms, neither one of us speaking until my phone went off. I groaned and leaned my body over Ryan’s to reach the nightstand. Randy was texting me.

  Randy: Hey, love, everything good?

  Em: Everything is wonderful. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Love ya! I quickly texted back.

  Ryan was caressing my back as I texted. “Your neighbor?”

  “Yes, he’s checking on me. He wanted to make sure you weren’t holding me against my will.” I laughed.

  “Hmm, am I? Cause that kind of sounds like fun.” His lips curled up into an evil grin. “I’m glad there is someone who lives close by looking after you, and I’m also glad he’s gay.” He smiled. “I suppose we need to talk,” Ryan said as he got out of bed, pulling me up with him. “What would you like to drink?” He put on his boxers.

  “I’m out of wine, so I’ll just have some water.”

  He started tugging on his pants back on. “Don’t put clothes on. I love looking at you.”

  “No worries, I’ll be right back. Making a quick trip to my truck.”

  He came back in carrying an expensive bottle of chardonnay from Chateau Montelena, Napa Valley.

  “Where did this come from?”

  He wrapped his arms around me. “I bought it for you as a way to thank you for putting up with everything yesterday, my daughter calling and popping in on you unannounced,” he said. “Except I was too busy being an asshole to bring it in with me.” Opening the bottle, he poured me a glass. “Now it hardly covers all the things I want to thank you for. Em, if you hang in there, stay with me, I promise, somehow I will make things right.” Ryan caressed my cheek and ran his hand down my back.

  “We need to talk.” I pulled myself away from him. “And I’m afraid talking is not what will be on my mind if you keep touching me.”

  “That’s my girl, insatiable!” He took a step toward me, kissed my forehead, and backed away with his hands in the air. So, where do we begin?”

  “First, I want to understand what happened … why were you upset with me? Why did you stop all communication?”

  “Because I’m an idiot. I called you and a man answered your phone.”

  “I tried to explain that, but you never gave me a chance!”

  “I’m sorry. I see that now. It’s not an excuse, but my past experience with my wife has caused me to have some trust issues when it comes to women. Just the thought … the idea of you being with someone else tore me up. I was going to call you, but I couldn’t face you telling me it wasn’t fun anymore and that you had moved on.”

  I heard my own words thrown back at me, and they stung. “Ryan, I …”

  “Shh, let me finish. I decided it was for the best that whoever this guy was he could provide for you more than I could. He could offer you love and forever. I cared too much about you. I didn’t want to hurt you any more than I may have already.”

  Ryan’s words hit hard. Someone else could offer me love
me, but he couldn’t … was that what he was saying?

  “Keep going,” I said.

  “Then I saw you at the Wildflower Café with Randy. He had his arms around you, and you were laughing.”

  “You saw me? And you thought Randy and I were together?”

  “Yes, I did, and I should have asked you instead of jumping to conclusions.” Ryan tried to put his arms around me.

  “No …” I backed away from him. “You hurt me. You were going to walk away, give up on whatever this is because you didn’t have enough confidence in me to ask me?”

  “Yes … no …” he said. “Not if everything were normal. But it isn’t, Em. Things are not normal. I thought it was better to let you go then involve you in all my craziness.”

  “And now? What’s changed? Are you now willing to involve me in all your craziness?”

  “Yes, if you will let me,” he said honestly. “I want you in my life. I want to share things with you, but I’m also scared. Scared that what I can give you isn’t enough … isn’t fair to you,” he said, unable to look me in the eyes.

  “What, Ryan? What can’t you give me?”

  He stared at me with piercing green eyes. Anxious and shaken, I stared back at him, waiting for his answer.

  “The whole package, Em. I can’t offer you the complete package.”

  “What exactly is the whole package?”

  Ryan sighed. “Love, marriage, and forever after.”

  There it was again. Was he saying he could never love me?

  We had just made love. We didn’t fuck. For the first time, we had made love. I swallowed my pride. I had to be sure I understood.

  “Ryan, are you saying you don’t think you could ever love me?” I was so afraid of his answer I squeezed my eyes shut, as if not looking at him would make his answer easier to swallow.

  “What?! No, Em, that is not what I’m saying.”

  I felt Ryan cup my face with his hands. “The problem is I do love you. I am in love with you.”

  I opened my eyes. “You do?”

  “Yes, Em, I do.”

  No words had ever had such an impact on me. My heart was racing, and I was consumed with pure elation. There were still so many things about Ryan I didn’t know, but what I did know was right then, at that moment, my life had changed.