Lust & Trust

by Amanda Cain

  Before he could say another word and spoil my euphoria, I pushed him down on the bed. “Take your clothes off,” I demanded.

  This time it was primal. We went at it like two animals in heat, and he was right: when it came to him, I was insatiable. No matter how much he fucked me, I still wanted more. I would never get enough of Ryan, never grow tired of him, never stop loving him.

  Once spent, lying in bed caressing each other, I allowed myself to finally acknowledge it and said it out loud. “I love you, Mr. Ryan Smith.”

  He flinched. “You realize it is kind of cheesy to say I love you for the first time after making love.” He tucked a wild strand of hair falling over my eye behind my ear.

  I shook my head. “That rule only applies to men. It is only cheesy if a man says I love you after or during sex.”

  “Oh, I see … the old double standard.” He laughed. “Can you please stop calling me Mr. Smith?”

  “One of the many things we need to talk about, I assume?”

  Ryan’s eyes flickered. “Yes, yes it is. Now that you’ve had your way with me, can I continue with my confessions?”

  I laid my head on his chest. “Not now. Whatever else there is to this saga can wait. As long as you love me, we can handle all the rest of the problems later. Right now, I want to enjoy being in your arms.”

  He kissed my forehead—he did that to annoy me now—and I fell asleep.

  Chapter 25

  Emma

  When I awoke, the sun was beginning to set and the room was growing dark.

  “Hi, beautiful.” Ryan pulled me up out of bed. “Back to confessions.”

  “Food first, I’m starving.”

  “Pizza is on its way, and Sierra has been fed and walked.”

  “Whoa, how long have you been up?”

  “About ten minutes after you dozed off. Couldn’t sleep. I ran into Randy while walking Sierra. We shared a beer and discussed what a dumbass I am. He seems like a good guy. Did you know he collects guns? Glad I didn’t piss him off even more.”

  “Me too.” I laughed. “We go to the shooting range together whenever we have time.”

  “I’ve got a target practice area set up at the house in Evergreen. I’d like to see how good of a shot you are. That way I’ll know how worried I should be when I make you mad.”

  “Oh, you should be worried. I’m an excellent shot.”

  “Didn’t you say that about air hockey?” He laughed.

  “I just let you win so you’d do perverted things to me,” I said. “Wait … Melissa mentioned you staying in Evergreen with your sister, so do you have a house there?

  “I do, but I stay in Chicago most of the time because of Melissa.”

  The pizza arrived. He paid the delivery guy and set the boxes in the kitchen. “Come on, come sit and eat so I can get my confessional over with. I’m starting to think you’re avoiding the subject.”

  I pulled two beers from the fridge and offered Ryan one.

  “You might be right. I hate the thought of anything spoiling this day.”

  I took a bite of my pizza. “Okay, let’s try this again. Melissa’s mom … let’s start there.

  “I met her my senior year of high school. I was a football jock, math geek, on the debate club, and a virgin.”

  “You were a virgin in your senior year of high school? That’s hard to believe.”

  “And you weren’t?”

  I blushed. “This story is about you, not me, Mr. Smith, so keep talking.”

  “Yes, I was a virgin. Stuck on third base. I didn’t grow into my good looks until my senior year, after finally getting my braces off.” He flashed me my favorite half-smile. “Even then, except for being on the football team, I was a complete nerd. Loved reading and learning. Lindsey, Melissa’s mom, was that girl … you know, the one who rules the school. Definitely, not a scholar, put pretty hot back then.” He shook his head. “We started dating and fooling around. Long story short, she got pregnant. She claimed to be on the pill, said she had gone to the free clinic. I believed her. What seventeen-year-old boy could turn down a hot sixteen-year-old girl?”

  “The classic love story,” I joked and kissed his cheek.

  “My sister hated her from the start and it put a bit of a rift between Myla and me. She swears Lindsey got pregnant on purpose. Fuck, maybe she’s right. I thought I needed to do the right thing so, at seventeen, I married Lindsey, and we moved her into my parents’ home. My parents didn’t warm up to her either, but they supported us in our decision to keep the baby.”

  I tried to imagine what it would be like to marry the only person you had ever been with at seventeen. I couldn’t. To get married with no life experiences and then be thrown into the ultimate life experience by having a child. No way! I would have taken a different route. I had a whole new admiration for Ryan.

  “Lindsey did not do pregnancy well. She complained and whined throughout, never happy. She dropped out of school, which had been the one thing Lindsey enjoyed. After Melissa was born, Lindsey paid little attention to her. No motherly instincts kicked in at all. I had graduated and started working at night while taking care of Melissa and Lindsey during the day.”

  “What about your parents? Did they help out?”

  Ryan took a deep breath. “They died in a car accident a few days after my eighteenth birthday. They never got to meet Melissa. She was born a month after they died.”

  “Oh, Ryan, I am so sorry. That must have been tough.” I leaned in, caressing his arm.

  “Yeah, both my sister and I were wrecks. I became Myla’s legal guardian, a husband, and a dad all shortly after turning eighteen.”

  Holy shit, considering everything he had gone through, I could understand why he had been wary of jumping into a relationship with me. No matter how right it felt. I couldn’t imagine all that pressure at such a young age. He was responsible for a baby, a sister, and a wife. As an only child with two parents, I guess I had it pretty easy.

  “Lindsey and Myla fought all the time, and Lindsey got so fucking lazy. She wouldn’t work, clean, or cook. She only did the bare minimum for Melissa, and she wanted nothing to do with me. Things sucked, and I was too damn young to handle it all.

  “Myla met her husband, Stan, when she was eighteen. Shortly after, she moved in with him. He is a lot older than her, and at first, it made me uneasy. I worried that she may have used him as a way to get away from the house, from Lindsey and all the tension, but it turned out to be the real thing for her.”

  “Ryan, I’m not understanding … if it isn’t working for you and your wife, why don’t you divorce?” I could see the sadness in his body language. He was hurting and had been for a long time.

  “I wish it were that simple. The story gets worse. Lindsey seemed somewhat better once Myla moved out, so I enrolled at CU in Boulder to get my degree in business. I got a temporary apartment in Boulder and moved Lindsey and Melissa in while I went to school. For a short time, I was happy. I excelled in academics. It came pretty easy for me. But then I started enjoying the college life a little too much. I stayed out, I slept with other women, and then I did something really stupid. I should have known better as a father with a four-year-old.”

  He shook his head and continued as his eyes examined the floor. “I was at a campus party. A friend and I had arranged to meet a guy to buy some drugs. My friend called and said he had to drop off a paper with one of his professors, but he would meet me at the party in a few minutes. The dealer was already there, so I decided to meet with him by myself. The next thing I knew, I was wearing handcuffs and being busted for possession of narcotics. It took place on school property. I was expelled with less than a year left until graduation. I was over twenty-one, so I was charged with a felony. I was ordered house arrest for six months. Prison would’ve been easier. I had no escape. Lindsey was there every day, and not a single day went by that she didn’t remind me of how stupid I was.”

  “I still don’t get it. So when you were
young you did something foolish, but what has that got to do with you not getting divorced?” I asked.

  “I am a felon. I have a record and a reputation. I talked to my attorney again when I went back to Chicago this last time. The court system favors the mother in child custody cases unless gross negligence can be proved.”

  I tried to process what he was saying. “What about joint custody. Surely you could get joint custody of Melissa?”

  “If Lindsey wants to fight joint custody, and she will, there is a good chance she will win.”

  “Why? How? You seem like a great father.”

  “I like to think I’m a great dad, but I’ve done a lot of stupid things. Lindsey doesn’t want a divorce and has threatened to make sure I never see Melissa again if I file for one. So as long as I don’t divorce her, I’m allowed to see my daughter.” His voice only slightly betrayed his pain. “At the moment, Lindsey is in control at least until Melissa turns eighteen.”

  “Why doesn’t she want a divorce? Does she still love you?”

  Ryan threw his half-eaten piece of pizza back in the box. “No, she doesn’t love me, never did. She doesn’t even like me. I don’t know why she doesn’t want a divorce. I’ve asked her, but she won’t give me a straight answer. We’ve never had much of a relationship. She has never shared her feelings with me, and we don’t really talk unless it’s about Melissa.

  “I think in some way she believes she needs me. I can’t really explain it … Hell, I’m just guessing. She has never really been close to anyone since high school, but it’s not like I do anything for her. All we do is fight.” He shrugged.

  “Lindsey’s parents were distant and cold. I guess that’s where Lindsey gets it from. Once her mom and dad divorced, her dad disappeared, and her mom didn’t seem to care about anything. She never acted like a grandmother and barely acknowledges Melissa’s existence.

  “When Lindsey got pregnant and dropped out of school, she lost contact with her high school friends. The girl I met in my senior year was vivacious, the life of the party. It was easy to get caught up in her energy. Soon after we got married, that changed. She withdrew from me and then from Melissa once she was born. I’ve read recently about postpartum depression and wondered if maybe that had been at least part of Lindsey’s problem. Or, maybe she is just a bitch who hates and resents me for getting her pregnant. I really don’t know.

  “When she moved to Chicago, I agreed to come with her but refused to stay in the same house. She threatened me saying she would keep me away from Melissa.”

  “I thought you had your own apartment in Chicago. Are you living with Lindsey?”

  My heart was racing. I wasn’t prepared for that possibility. Bob had told Char they weren’t living together.

  “No, about six months ago, she finally agreed to let me move out, but she still doesn’t want a divorce. I know Lindsey has been going out more with friends, but who these friends are … I have no idea. If fear of being alone is her problem, new friends in her life might make it easier for me to convince her to agree to an amicable divorce…” he hesitated and took my hand in his “…but, for now, Em, it gets worse.”

  “Worse?” What could be worse than losing your parents at eighteen and being in a loveless marriage for fourteen years or longer?

  “It isn’t only that she won’t divorce me. It doesn’t matter to Lindsey how many women I fuck, it never has, but if she finds out I’m in love with someone, she will stop allowing me to see Melissa. “

  “What? That’s crazy. Can she do that? She doesn’t mind if you are with another woman as long as you don’t end up caring?”

  “Exactly. I’m sure she realized that if I’m in love with someone else, I will have to find a way to divorce her. But until you, it hasn’t mattered to me. Lindsey kind of ruined the idea of a loving relationship for me. I’m not proud of it, but an occasional one-night stand was all I wanted.”

  “So, I was supposed to be a one-night stand?”

  Ryan stared at me, his piercing green eyes flickering. A cocky smile crept across his face. “You knew that was my intent, but it took us both about two seconds to figure out there was more to us and one night was never going to be enough.” He approached me with caution, tilted my head up, and kissed me. “There is no such thing as enough when it comes to you.”

  I pulled away from him. “So, now what? We sneak around for years until Melissa turns eighteen?”

  “Em, I do not blame you if you want to walk away. None of this is fair to you.”

  Ryan turned away. He didn’t want to look at me, surely afraid of what might come next.

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore tonight. I’m exhausted and need time to think.”

  “Would you like me to leave?” he asked, fear radiating in his gaze. Ryan’s expressive emerald eyes often gave away his feelings. He may keep secrets, but his eyes told the truth.

  “No, come to bed with me and hold me.”

  “Deal.” He let out his breath and put his arm around me as we walked down the hall. Once in bed, I asked, “When do you have to go back?”

  “I need to pick up Melissa on Monday. She’ll be staying with me for the week.”

  I lay there, savoring his touch as his fingers caressed my arms, my head on his chest. I wished I could get to know his daughter. How would this work? Would I see him every other weekend? That would grow old fast—it already had. I wanted more time with him now than he could give me.

  *

  I woke up early and wanted to go for a run to clear my head. As Ryan slept, I lifted his arm up and snuck out from underneath it. Standing at the edge of the bed watching him, I sighed. It would be so easy to crawl back into bed and on top of him. But instead, I put my jogging shorts on, left a note tacked to the fridge, called Sierra, and left for my run.

  As I ran, I replayed everything Ryan had told me in my head. No immediate answers came to mind, but we would find a way, we would figure it out, and we would be together. I had never felt this sure about someone, not even my ex, Craig. Oh my God, I’m in love! I laughed out loud. So this was it, I was in it, and I was staying.

  Back at the house, I heard Ryan in the shower. Stripping out of my sweaty clothes, I hopped in with him. His smile was big enough to match his growing erection. “I was afraid you changed your mind,” he said.

  “Sorry, baby, you are not getting rid of me that easily. Now, what do you think about putting that thing to good use?” I said, looking down at his giant hard-on.

  “What an excellent idea.” As the water beat down on us, he turned me against the wall and began washing me, running the bar of soap over my nipples and down my belly, working his way between my inner thighs. His muscular body leaned into my back, pressing into my butt. My own juices flowed in response to his firmness against me. I was torn between reciprocating and succumbing to the ecstasy as his powerful hands caressed me.

  I turned to take the soap and do the same for him, but he clasped my hands above my head and pushed me against the wall as he explored the inside of my mouth.

  I let out a soft cry as his long fingers entered me, his thumb playing with my clit and rubbing it in small circles. I was breathing heavy, desire building as I panted. How was it possible to want someone so much?

  “Em,” he whispered as his thumb continued its assault on my clit. “I’m so happy I met you, I want you more than I have ever wanted anyone.”

  It was like he read my mind. I was so happy, so excited, and so in love, I wanted to cry.

  “You alright, babe?” Ryan asked.

  “Yes, yes, don’t stop,” I whimpered.

  He turned the water off and scooped me up in his arms, stepping out of the bathroom. He carried me to the bed and laid me down. Spreading my legs, he peppered me with little butterfly kisses as he traveled up my thighs.

  “I’m ready now,” I pleaded.

  “Shh, I want this. I need this.”

  I gave in and relaxed as he started to tease me, circling my en
trance, licking me and rubbing his tongue against my clit. He brought his hand up, and his fingers, first one and then another penetrated me while his tongue assaulted me, flicking and circling my clit until I could no longer take it. “Ryan, I’m going to …”

  “Let go, baby. I want to taste you. I want to feel you come.”

  Like I had a choice. I exploded in the most mind-blowing orgasm. The sensations ran through my entire body, engulfing me in an uncontrollable wave of pleasure. I was pulsating and quivering, my body trembling. I was no longer conscious of Ryan. I was lost in my own desire, feeling every nerve ending, every sensation as it shot through me. I was in another realm, one that I didn’t want to leave. Not ever.

  As I became conscious of my surroundings again, I was a little embarrassed for allowing the pleasure to consume me. Ryan, resting his head on one elbow, was watching me.

  “Welcome back.” He smiled. Pushing the hair out of my face, he pulled me on top of him.

  I found the strength to straddle him as he put his enormous cock inside me. I swear his erection was even bigger than normal. “Oh my God.” I breathed as I slid down on his rod.

  He grabbed my butt and leaned me forward. I rubbed up against him, rolling my hips, and he helped lift me up and down his shaft faster as he gripped my butt tighter. “Yes, yes!” I couldn’t believe I was about to come again.

  As soon as I came, Ryan allowed himself to let go. “Em, I don’t care if it’s cheesy to say it now, I love you. I fucking love you so much!” he shouted as he came.

  Exhausted, I lay there with him still inside me, both of us completely euphoric.

  Chapter 26

  Emma

  We woke up in each other’s arms with Sierra at the bottom of the bed. The perfect family. I smiled. I found myself wondering what life would be like if we were married, and I got to wake up next to him every day.

  Clearing that thought from my head, I glanced at the clock. It was 6:00 AM. Only one more night with Ryan.

  He was watching me as I looked at the clock. “Let’s not waste time. I want you to stay the night at my house. I’ve never invited a woman to my house before.”