Just an Illusion - The B Side

by D. Kelly

  As most people begin to leave, Sawyer convinces Warren and Sam he’ll shut everything down here so they can enjoy their last night together. Sam and Anna fly home tomorrow, as do Veronica and Belle. It’s not a wise decision, but Warren probably figures Sawyer is going to stay here with a girl and use the suite to his advantage.

  “Babe, are you ready to go? I need to go take those pain pills.”

  Poor Noah, he’s flinching at the light. I hope by morning he’s better, but they may have to postpone more shows if this keeps happening.

  “Of course, let’s get out of here.”

  We share a limo back to our hotel with Belle, Darren, and Veronica. Wyatt and Anna already left with Sam and Warren. It’s a quiet trip back, everyone being sympathetic to Noah’s pounding head.

  Since it’s late there’s not much of a crowd, but after what happened the first night, they don’t get too out of hand anymore. The first thing I do when we get to the room is get Noah his medicine and help him strip out of his clothes. After putting my pajamas on, we curl up together and lie down.

  “Thank you for taking care of me,” Noah whispers as his eyes begin to droop.

  “I love you, Noah. There’s never a time I won’t take care of you.”

  An hour later, just as I’m dozing off, Noah’s phone rings. I answer it when I see it’s Sawyer.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” I ask sleepily.

  “Princess, I need to talk to Noah, it’s important.” His words are slurred and I pray he’s not in jail.

  “He’s sleeping. His headache got worse and he had to take those pain pills.”

  “Shit. Can you come over to the hotel? I sent everyone home and now I don’t have a ride. Can you come and get me?”

  “Can I send Ryan or Mac?” I ask, not understanding why I need to go.

  “No, Princess. Well … yeah. Make sure one of them drives you, but I need you to come up to the room and get me. Please …”

  “Okay, I’ll be there soon.”

  “Thanks, Princess.”

  Quickly, I throw on a pair of jeans and a sweater, along with my boots, and write Noah a note in case he wakes up. When I look out into the hall, Ryan is standing watch a few doors down.

  “Ryan, we need to go get Sawyer.” A confused look flashes across his face, but he only nods in agreement as he calls Mac to make the necessary arrangements for backup. A few minutes later, I’m in the back of the SUV on my way to the other hotel for the second time tonight. The whole way there I’m imagining why Sawyer needs someone to come, and I wonder if he got himself tied to a bed or something. The thought makes me chuckle because that would be something I could see happening to him.

  When Ryan and I get to the room, Sawyer is sitting up at the bar drinking. It doesn’t look like there’s anyone else here.

  “Sawyer, are you ready to go?” I ask as I cross the room.

  “Princess! What are you doing here?” Sawyer is grinning like a loon, but I can smell his whiskey-laden body three feet away.

  “You called Noah, remember? I told you he couldn’t come and then you asked me to.”

  “Oh yeah, I remember. Hey Ryan? Can you give me and Princess a few minutes alone? I need to talk to her about something.”

  “Sure thing, boss,” Ryan answers, stepping into one of the other rooms.

  “What’s going on, Sawyer? How long have you been here alone?” This isn’t my first experience with drunk Sawyer, but something is going on with him for sure.

  “Not sure. I kicked the last girl out a little while after you left. She wasn’t happy with me, though, she cussed me out something fierce.” He’s laughing like he said something hysterical.

  “I thought you were keeping the room for just the occasion?”

  “Yeah, well … some things are bigger than pussy, you know?” Alright, now I know he needs to talk. He exhales loudly and pours another drink, which I promptly take from him. “Sorry, Princess, I should have offered you one. Fuck … I wish Noah would have come.”

  “You can talk to me, Sawyer. What did you want to tell Noah? Maybe I can help.”

  The devilish gleam in his eyes brightens and he smiles. “Nah, I don’t think so. I was going to tell Noah not to marry you.” Those words hurt more than anything he could have possibly said to me. “Do you want a drink?” he asks as if he didn’t just rip my heart out.

  “No, I want to know why you don’t want Noah and me to get married.”

  He looks at me like a lightbulb just went off in his head and smirks. “Now that I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

  “People shouldn’t keep secrets, Sawyer. Secrets only bring hurt.”

  He laughs again. If he weren’t being mean I might think it was funny. “Like you don’t keep secrets. You never told Noah I propositioned you on the bus.”

  “Alright, some secrets are better to keep because the end result can hurt more.”

  Sawyer gets off his stool and crowds my space. “And that’s why I can’t tell you. It would hurt too much.”

  I grab his wrist when he starts to turn away from me. “Sawyer, please …”

  He turns back to me, suddenly more somber than I’ve ever seen him. “Amelia,” he whispers, pulling my face to his and pressing his forehead against mine. He’s never called me Amelia before … I like it. The look in his eyes is sorrowful, as if he’s apologizing for something he hasn’t done yet. The nerves in my stomach flutter like butterflies hatching from their cocoons.

  “Sawyer,” I whisper softly as he places his finger against my lips. I hate how much his touch lights me on fire.

  “Pick me, Amelia. I’m a selfish bastard, and it will tear my brother apart, but he doesn’t need you like I do. I need you, Amelia. You’re the only one who has ever brought me to life.” His lips capture mine, softly, lovingly. Without a second thought I open to him, briefly lost in this moment, in his vulnerability, and in his beautifully tragic words. Only when the pleasureful moan releases from deep within does it hit me that everything we’re doing and saying is so utterly and completely wrong.

  This can’t happen. I’m in love with Noah. Sawyer and I can never—will never—happen.

  “Sawyer …” I pull away breathlessly and bend over, gripping my stomach to keep myself from throwing up, my anxiety getting the best of me. When my eyes meet his, they fill with tears. He’s wearing his heart on his sleeve; he’s never looked more beautiful.

  “It’s okay, Princess. I know you’re in love with him, but I had to try, right?” he asks with a discouraged shrug of his shoulders.

  “It’s not only that,” I whisper softly, and a brief flicker of hope flashes in his eyes before I distinguish it with my words, my secret. “Sawyer, I’m pregnant.”

  Sawyer stumbles back onto the bar stool and hangs his head. “Out of all the things wrong with this situation, that makes me the biggest asshole on the planet. Fuck. Mel, you need to go.”

  Mel?

  He’s never called me that before, either, and I don’t like that he’s starting now. It feels like something has irrevocably shifted, but I guess it has.

  “I’m here to take you home, remember?”

  He shakes his head. “Call Darren, will you? Have him come and get me. I need to talk to him. Fuck, Mel! Does Noah even know?”

  “No, he doesn’t. I only found out before we got here. I wanted it to sink in a bit. This is all he’s ever wanted for his future, but this dream isn’t mine.”

  This time, he looks at me with a mixture of hope and fury. I get that emotion because I’ve been feeling something similar for a few days. It’s why I haven’t told Noah. I want to be happy about this when I tell him. He deserves that and so much more.

  “You are keeping the baby, right?” he manages to choke out.

  “Yes. How could I not? All I ever want to do is make Noah happy, and this will be the best gift I could ever give him … but I’d be lying if I said I’d wished for it to happen. At le
ast not yet. He only just asked me to marry him. And now … boom … built-in wife and kid. We won’t ever know what our life could have been like together before building on our love. Besides, I’m not quite sure I’m mom material, but I guess I’m about to find out.”

  “This is so fucked up,” he mutters into his arms as he lays his head over them on the bar.

  “Please don’t tell him, Sawyer. Let me be the one to give him the news.”

  He looks at me with a dare in his eye. “Which part, Mel? Don’t tell him you’re having his love child, or don’t tell him I just begged my brother’s fiancée and baby mama to leave him for his fucked-up twin? Jesus, what’s wrong with me? I fucking love Noah more than anything yet I can’t get you out of my head!”

  Sawyer grabs the whiskey on the counter and takes an enormous swig from the bottle. As soon as he sets it down, he repeats the action two more times. He was already drunk when I got here, which is why I was supposed to be taking him home. Tears are streaming down his cheeks; I hate that he’s hurting so much. I swore I’d never keep another secret from Noah, but this one isn’t an option.

  “Don’t tell him about the baby, Sawyer, please. As for what just happened between us … Noah will never know. It would kill him and your relationship, and I don’t ever want to be the cause of that. I love you both, you’re my family. Promise me, Sawyer, we’ll move forward, but Noah can never know this happened because as far as I’m concerned, it didn’t.”

  He wipes away his tears and looks up at me. He’s completely shattered. “You’d do that for me? I don’t get it, Mel, why?”

  Lacing my fingers through his, I squeeze him tightly. “Because you’re my family, Sawyer, and just because I’m in love with your brother doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to love you, too. This baby is going to need its uncle and if Noah finds out you kissed me and I let you, there is nothing good that can come from it. This will never happen again, Sawyer. I’m madly and deeply in love with Noah and even though the timing sucks, we are having a baby. Babies deserve happy families all the way around, don’t they?”

  It’s not just a question; my words are pleading for his understanding.

  “They do, and regardless of how you feel right now, you’re going to be the best mom, Mel. Never doubt that for a second.”

  “We’ll see, I guess. But Sawyer, this is important. I need you to know Noah means everything to me. He’s what is right in my life and I adore him. I care for you and let myself get sucked into a weak moment, and I’m going to have to live with that, just like you are, but this can’t happen again. Promise me.”

  With a resigned sigh, he agrees, “I promise, Mel. Noah will never know. Can you please get Darren over here?”

  “Yeah, let me see what I can do.”

  A few minutes later, a reluctant Darren is on his way over. Sawyer and I wait in a mutually uncomfortable silence. When Darren finally arrives, he’s pissed—we interrupted his last night with Belle—but as soon as he sees us, he stops in his tracks.

  “You told her, didn’t you?” Darren asks, but the question is redundant and he knows that. I’m surprised Sawyer even mentioned it to Darren, but Darren’s loyalty is to Sawyer like Wyatt’s is to Noah. I give Darren a hug, thank him for coming, and ask him to find Ryan for me. Then I turn around and hug Sawyer, placing a kiss on his cheek.

  “You’re my family, Sawyer, and my friend … for life. Please don’t let this moment in time mess that up for us. I’m not angry, I just want you to have what Noah and I do, and I know someday you’re going to find it with the perfect girl for you.”

  Tears fill both our eyes, and before I walk out the door, he calls to me softly, “You’re my family, too, Mel … always.”

  When I get in the car, a text message arrives from Sawyer. It’s just a link to a song, of course, because it’s how he talks to me. It’s the video for “What We Can Never Have” by Fuel. That’s when I lose it and cry my eyes out all the way back to the hotel. I cry for Sawyer’s pain and my own. I cry for our betrayal of Noah. No matter how you cut it, we betrayed him, and that’s something—no matter what I said to Sawyer—I will never get past. And I cry because I have this beautiful life growing inside of me, made from the best parts of me and Noah, but I’m still struggling to be happy about it. I wanted time to enjoy my life with the love of my life, but I guess fate had other plans.

  Somehow, that gives me comfort. Fate is such a large part of Noah’s life; it makes sense that’s how our first child is going to be brought to us.

  The Morning After

  I’ve been awake for hours, barely sleeping a wink last night. I’ve never felt so guilty and ashamed in all my life. In a way, I hope Sawyer forgets what happened; it would lessen the burden somehow. Even then, Darren knows, and now he’s being forced to keep secrets from Noah and Belle.

  Belle and I said our goodbyes last night; it will be weeks before I see her again. She’s my best friend, but I’m keeping her in the dark about so much. At first it was only to have time to process, but now … I don’t even know what I’m doing.

  Noah’s alarm goes off, and I reach over to silence it. Blinking sleepily, his eyes flutter open.

  “How are you feeling?” I ask, hoping at least something will go right and his headache will be gone.

  “Okay, I think. Just tired … those pills really knocked me out.”

  “You need to rest when you can, Noah. I know it’s hard but try for me, okay?”

  He presses his lips against mine and pulls back, smiling, “Anything for you. What’s wrong? You seem sad.”

  What I seem like is a lying, cheating, brother-kissing, backstabbing, whore, who hates herself with every fiber of her being for what she did to her future husband. But it’s not like I’m going to tell him that. “Yeah, I just didn’t sleep well. I think I’m coming down with something. Probably this cold New York weather getting to me.”

  Pressing his hand against my head, he nods, “You do feel a bit warm. Sam and Anna said you weren’t feeling well at the book signing, either. Maybe I’m not the only one who needs to rest. Take today off, Mel.”

  “You’re sweet, but I can’t.”

  “It wasn’t a suggestion. If you’re sick, you rest. End of story. We don’t need you catching pneumonia. Order some room service, sleep, watch some movies, and rest up.” Noah is a caretaker at heart, it’s one of the things I find so endearing about him. There’s no doubt in my mind he’s going to be the best father to our child.

  “Alright. Tell everyone I’m sorry.”

  “They’ll understand, Mel. No one likes to be sick,” he replies as he gets up and heads for the shower.

  After he leaves to meet the guys for breakfast, there’s a knock at the door. Darren’s tired face meets mine and I let him in.

  “Hey,” I say as he collapses into the chair.

  “Hey. I’m so fucking tired. I’m sorry to bother you, but we need to talk about last night and get our stories straight.”

  Taking a seat on the bed, I sigh and nod in agreement.

  “So look, I know you’re pregnant, let’s just get that out of the way. Congratulations?” he questions with a quirk of his eye.

  “Thanks?” I reply with the same questioning tone. “How’s Sawyer?”

  “I’m not even sure. I woke him up before I came here. He’s sad and embarrassed. We’re going to try to keep this as close to the truth as possible. Lies get people into trouble.”

  Oh, he’s preaching to the choir there.

  “So we’re going to tell Noah Sawyer called him but you went to get him since Noah was out cold. Once you got there, Sawyer decided he wanted to stay and since he was completely wasted, you called me for help.”

  “So pretty much the truth minus a few heartbreaking details. Sounds good.” My tone is flat; Sawyer isn’t the only one sad today.

  “Look, Mel, I have to ask because Sawyer is my best friend and we’ve been through a lot of shit together. Are you sure
you want Noah and not Sawyer? I won’t judge, I swear, but if you don’t … well … I can’t believe I’m even going to say this, but I can … uh … try and help you with this baby situation if it’s not what you want.”

  I look at Darren for a long moment. Part of me is really pissed off he’d do that to Noah. Especially after Noah vehemently defended Darren’s parental rights to Belle. But … the other part of me who understands the stuff we do for our best friends completely gets where he’s coming from.

  “Darren, I love Noah with everything I am. Letting Sawyer kiss me last night was the biggest mistake of my life. I pushed him away but not fast enough. I let all of us down last night.”

  “Nah, you’re only human, Mel. I’ve been kissed by enough random girls to know it takes at least thirty seconds or more for your instincts to kick in. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

  One thing about Darren is he can be playful, but it’s an act; he’s one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.

  “I love Sawyer. He holds a special part of my heart because he’s Noah’s brother but also because we’ve become really good friends. Or at least I thought we had. We had an incident before … nothing happened … but I thought we were past this thing between us. Noah is the love of my life, Darren, and I’m terrified I’m going to lose him by keeping this secret. Even so, I’m willing to risk it if it keeps their relationship intact.”

  Leaning back in his chair, Darren puts his hands behind his head and looks up at the ceiling. When he looks back at me, he sighs. “Noah and Sawyer have always been attracted to the same kinds of women. When Sawyer fucked up with Marilyn he swore, come hell or high water, he’d make it up to Noah. After Sawyer kissed you that night, he told me the next day. But when Noah woke up, he couldn’t stop smiling or talking about you. Sawyer knew Noah was hooked, but he had no clue taking a step back was going to make him regret it every single day.”

  “Darren …” I’m at a complete loss for words.