Just an Illusion - The B Side

by D. Kelly

  “Look, Mel, I’m not telling you this because I want you to feel bad. I think you deserve to know how deeply Sawyer’s feelings go and how long he’s had them. Sawyer tends to self-destruct and after a blow like this, he’s bound to act out. Be his friend, but try not to take it personally if he pulls away. He’s going to need time.”

  He stands up and stretches, then yawns before continuing, “For what it’s worth, I love the fuck out of Noah. I’d jump in front of a train for any of them, they’re my brothers. You and Noah are right, not that you and Sawyer wouldn’t be, but I’m not quite sure he’s where he needs to be in his head yet to open his heart up to love. Noah is, and he’s right about that fate shit, too. Look at me and Belle. We met, had instant fucking chemistry, and bam … baby on the way. It’s by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. They are the best thing that has ever come into my life. And while we’re speaking of babies, Belle is gonna lose her shit when she finds out you’re pregnant.”

  For the first time today, I smile. “I know. One perk is our kids can grow up best friends like we did.”

  “I know you’re scared and that’s why you haven’t told Noah yet. Swallow your fears, Mel, because you guys are in this for the long haul. You can’t change the inevitable and that baby is coming sooner than later. I promise you, you will never see Noah happier than when you tell him. He’s waited for this his whole life. His happiness might just make you feel better, but there’s only one way to find out.”

  Darren runs his hand through his already messy hair and in this moment, while he’s being the best kind of friend there is to all his friends, I appreciate why Belle fell in love with him even more.

  “I’ll think about it. Thank you, Darren.”

  With a shrug, he moves to the door, yawning again. “Fuck, I need some coffee. One last thing … the sooner you tell Noah, the sooner Sawyer can breathe again by not holding in another secret that is going to rip him apart. Hiding his feelings for you has been hard enough, and frankly, he’s not very good at it. Even Noah suspects Sawyer’s got a thing for you. Once the baby becomes a reality to everyone, it will become reality to Sawyer, too, and he’ll realize there’s nothing left to hold on to.”

  Fuck me sideways. I’m pretty sure Darren just crammed into fifteen minutes what would take me six months to work out with my therapist.

  “I’ll consider everything you said, Darren, I promise. Please be careful and don’t slip to Noah. He needs to hear about the baby from me.”

  Darren chuckles. “If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m pretty good at keeping secrets. I just prefer not to.”

  “I hear you. Thanks for the chat.”

  “Anytime, Mel. It goes without saying, I was never here.”

  “Of course.”

  Before leaving, he turns around. “For the record, what I offered about the baby if you weren’t sure … I did that for you because you’re Belle’s best friend and she’s not here. But it would have killed me if you’d said yes. Noah would never do that to me.”

  “Thank you,” I whisper softly as I place a kiss on his cheek before he walks away.

  I close the door and crawl back into bed feeling even worse than I did when I woke up. This will all blow over and we’ll get past it, I just need to give it a chance. But when someone knocks on the door not even five minutes later, I’m hesitant to answer.

  When I do get up and open the door, it’s a freshly showered Sawyer. At least he smells like his normal self and not like a whiskey distillery. Opening the door wide, I motion for him to come in, although part of me wishes I could leave the door open.

  “Morning, Mel,” he says softly, and I cringe at the lack of his nickname for me. Guess that’s something I’ll need to get used to. “Noah sent a text that you’re sick. Are you? Or are you hiding because of me?”

  Taking a seat on the bed, I point to the chair Darren vacated just a short time ago, wordlessly asking him to take a seat. “I’m not hiding, Sawyer. Noah says I have a fever. It’s probably just a cold, I’m sure I’ll feel better tomorrow.” For someone who spent his night in misery, he looks better than me or Darren. “How are you feeling, Sawyer?”

  His sad eyes meet mine. “Like a fool.”

  “No, Sawyer, don’t. You followed your heart and you should never feel foolish for that. I wish I could be who you need me to be. I want that for you. Someday you’re going to find someone, and when you lay your heart on the line, she’ll be ecstatic you chose her.”

  “Can I ask you something?” His soft words flow straight to my heart.

  “Always.”

  “Was it just in my head? We have … had chemistry, right? Please, Princess, tell me I’m not delusional.”

  And we’re back to Princess. Sawyer wears his heart on his sleeve more than anyone actually realizes.

  “No, it wasn’t in your head, Sawyer. It just wasn’t meant to be. If things had worked out differently, you’re exactly the kind of guy I would have fallen head over heels for. But Noah, he stole my heart and, temporarily, my uterus.” My dry laugh is met with a tiny smile.

  “Yeah, well, if I had to lose out to anyone, Noah is the person I’d fall on my sword for every time. I’m sorry about last night, I overstepped. I’m willing to tell him so we don’t have to keep this secret between us. About the kiss, not the baby … that one is all you.” His smile is genuine this time even if his eyes are still sad.

  “I’m not a deceitful person, and I try to live by the truth in everything. But sometimes keeping secrets in extreme circumstances is the best thing. Your brother worships you, just as much as you do him. I’m the first to admit I don’t understand the twin connection, but I see it every day. You guys have this irrevocable bond that is going to be with you for the rest of your lives, but if you tell Noah we kissed, you’ll never get it back. He might forgive us, but things would never be the same. I could handle it. I’d be devastated, but if your relationship remained intact, I’d be okay. But I don’t think it will.”

  Sawyer leans down, propping his arms on his knees. “Me, either, Mel. It won’t happen again. And now I know it wasn’t in my head, and Noah is your choice, I’ll leave you alone.”

  “Hey, I still need you in my life. As my friend, as my child’s uncle, and as my family. You and I will get past this, too. And not to make this anymore awkward, but if you’re going to stop calling me Princess, you should probably ease into it. It’s the only thing you’ve ever called me before last night.”

  The surprised look on his face is amusing. “That can’t be true.”

  “Except for the night we met when you called me Princess Amelia, yeah, it is.”

  Sawyer laughs so hard his eyes fill with tears. “I’m pretty sure that makes me the world’s largest dick. I’ve got two sisters who consider pet names degrading and condescending. I’m sorry, Mel, really.”

  “Me, too, because I really grew to love it.”

  Sawyer stands with my words, probably needing a quick exit. “Well, I’m really late for breakfast and I’m sure I’m going to hear all about it. I just didn’t want the day to pass without clearing things up between us. You’re one of a kind, Mel. Noah’s a lucky man. Not too many women would put family bonds above their own morals. Thank you.”

  “We’re family now, too, Sawyer. Morals go out the door when you need to protect them.”

  He leaves without another word, but his shoulders are straight and he doesn’t look like his puppy died anymore. I’ll call that a win.

  Noah walks into our room carrying a cold care basket, catching me on the tail end of a yawn. I’d just woken from a long nap when he came in. He hands me the basket filled with flowers, cold medicine, throat drops, menthol rub, the works.

  “You’re so sweet. How did you even have time to get all this?”

  He’s laughing as he takes the seat next to me. “I’d love to take all the credit but I’m just the idea maker this time. I pay people to do the legwork when
I’m too busy to do it myself.”

  “Well, it’s always the thought that counts, no matter how it’s executed.”

  “How are you feeling? And why didn’t you tell me you got dragged out to help Sawyer last night? It’s no wonder you’re sick.”

  Que the first lie. The second if you count me hiding what Sawyer did on the bus—a lie of omission is still a lie. “I’m feeling okay. I’m pretty sure it’s just a cold. Sawyer is family, I’m assuming this isn’t the last time I’ll be called to bail him out. I just forgot to mention it this morning. You were in a hurry and I was tired. I left you a note last night, it’s still sitting right there.” I point to his bedside table, and he reaches for the note.

  “Thanks for leaving a note, I never even noticed it.” He places it back on the table and continues. “Sawyer on a bender is never any fun. No wonder you called Darren in for reinforcements. Thank you for trying, but next time you might as well send one of us first.”

  “If I can, I will, but Anna and Belle were both leaving so early this morning I didn’t want to interrupt everyone’s last night together.”

  Noah squeezes my hand and releases it. “As much as I’d love to lay here with you, I’ve got to get ready and get to the venue. We don’t have any interviews or anything tonight so I’ll come back as soon as we’re done, hopefully without another headache.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want me to come? I can get ready.” I’m not sure if I’m sick or just pregnant and feeling blah. I’m also not sure I want to be left alone with my thoughts for the next eight hours.

  “You know I love you with me, but I think it’s more important for you to rest.” He places a kiss to the top of my head before changing his clothes.

  Once Noah leaves, I decide to take a shower and order some food. After eating, I feel much better. I think I’m emotionally exhausted, and until I tell Noah about the baby, I’m going to continue to be. Resolving to tell him tonight, I pull out my computer and start doing some internet searches. The one great thing about New York City is it never sleeps and anything can be delivered for a price.

  I found a local shop that can make personalized, stainless steel guitar picks in an hour and deliver them. The front says “Soon-to-be Dad” with a little music note and along the side it says “ETA August.” I ordered a dozen of them and then I ordered a dozen pink and blue frosted cupcakes. I had both deliveries addressed to Ryan, since he’s standing watch over me tonight, and told them to leave them at the front desk.

  No matter my mixed feelings, this should be a special night for us. A few hours later, Ryan brings the packages up to my room. The guitar picks are perfect and after carefully placing one on top of each cupcake, I realize I’m actually excited.

  I thought about dressing up, but Noah would know something is up and I want this to be a surprise. Pajamas and one of his t-shirts isn’t exactly the most flattering outfit, but the element of surprise will be worth it. When he finally texts me to say he’s on his way back, I order a pizza from room service.

  When Noah comes in, I’m lounging on the bed with the TV on. Not that I even know what’s on. The nerves in my stomach are dancing like crazy. I can’t believe this is my life right now.

  “Hey,” he says, smiling. “You look like you feel much better.”

  “I do, and I just ordered a pizza. Are you hungry?”

  “Starving. Let me shower and change, then I’m yours for the rest of the night.”

  His lascivious gaze has me trembling. We haven’t had sex since New Year’s and even though it’s only been a few days, I miss his touch something fierce. “Sounds good.”

  “Hey, what is that?” he asks, walking toward the table where the box of cupcakes is sitting.

  “Back away, Weston. It’s a surprise you can have after dinner, if you’re good.”

  “And if I’m bad?” he asks with a devilish gleam in his eyes.

  “I’ll withhold sex,” I state firmly, and his mouth drops. Yeah, two can play this game.

  He throws his arms up in surrender. “I’ll be good. Give me ten and I’ll be out.”

  As soon as he closes the door, there’s a knock on ours. After signing for the pizza and setting everything up, I grab Noah a beer and me a bottle of water. He steps out of the bathroom wrapped only in a towel, and my gaze locks on the rivulets of water dripping down his perfectly sculptured chest.

  Noah dries off slowly, his eyes never leaving mine. It’s a seductive game, and he’s playing it purposefully. He slides into his boxers languidly, and I bite my bottom lip, my heart racing as he walks toward me.

  “What’s in the box, Mel?”

  “Pizza,” I reply, knowing damn well that’s not the box he means.

  “Other box.”

  “Not until you eat. Trust me, anticipation is key here.”

  On a groan, he turns around and puts on his pajama pants and t-shirt.

  After he pops open his beer, he points at my water. “Still not feeling well? You love beer and pizza.”

  “I feel better, but I don’t want to risk it. How was your show?”

  “You know, it was a show.” He runs his hands through his wet hair and takes a long draw on his beer. “I’m ready for it to be over. But I am enjoying the fact these aren’t high-energy shows. I’m only breaking a sweat because of the stage lights.”

  “Well, I guess that’s a perk.”

  “There’s an even better perk, though,” he adds, leaning back in his chair.

  “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “You being here to go through it all with me.” His dazzling smile sets off those nerves in my stomach again.

  “You’re sweet. I’m glad I’m here, too. But you have Sawyer and your friends … you’re all family.”

  He finishes chewing and looks thoughtfully at me. “Sure, but it’s not the same, you know? I don’t curl up in bed with them at night. There’s an intimacy missing from your life when you’re single, and I don’t even think you realize how much you miss it until you find someone.”

  “Yeah, that I can understand. How was Sawyer today? He was so drunk last night. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him that bad.”

  “He was a grumpy fuck. Sometimes he gets like this. It’s going to be a long week, but at least we don’t have to hop on the bus for a few more days. That will give us some cushion from his piss poor mood.”

  That’s what I was afraid of. Even more reason why it makes sense to tell Noah tonight; after he tells everyone, Sawyer is probably going to need some time.

  “This pizza was really good,” he says, pushing his plate away, “but I think I’m ready for dessert.” He suspiciously eyes the box over on the other table.

  It’s time. I can’t put this off any longer. Taking his hand, I lead him over to the table jump up on it, sitting next to the box. “Are you sure you can handle what’s in this box?”

  With a quizzical gaze, he reaches for the box, and I smack his hand softly. “What kind of dessert do you have in there, Mel? Is it kinky?”

  Laughing, I push myself back on the table and grab my phone so I can record him. Then I push the box toward him. “You are so going to regret asking me that. Open your present, Noah.”

  “This must be some kind of dessert if you want to capture the moment for all time.” He almost looks afraid to open the box; it makes me laugh harder.

  “It won’t bite you, I promise. Open your gift, Noah.”

  With a gentle ease, he opens the top and looks into the box. His eyes light up as he pulls one cupcake close to his face so he can read the guitar pick. The biggest grin I’ve ever seen spreads across his lips, and his eyes light up brighter than on Christmas morning.

  “This is real?” he asks hopefully.

  “Yes”

  “This is why you’ve been sick?” He’s carefully putting the cupcake back in the box.

  “I think so.”

  “We’re having a baby?” His hopeful tone is fil
led with happiness.

  “We are.” My eyes begin to fill with tears. Darren was right; this is what I needed, too.

  “Holy shit, Mel! We’re having a baby!” he screams and pulls me to him, turning my phone around so we’re both in the shot. “Hey, Baby Weston! Your mom just gave me the best news I’ve ever gotten. We’re expecting you in August! I’m the happiest man alive right now and we can’t wait to meet you.”

  A tear falls down his cheek as he pulls me in for a quick kiss. I turn off the camera; I got what I needed for our first photo collection. Noah pulls me off the table and into his arms, where he kisses me with more passion than I’ve ever felt. Maybe I’m on a baby high, too.

  “I’m so fucking lucky and I have so many questions. Can we tell people?” His excitement is contagious.

  “It’s really early, but it’s your call. I wouldn’t announce it to the world, but to family, the guys, and security … I don’t see why not.”

  He pulls us to the bed, leaning me up against the headboard. “How did you find out?”

  “When I made the appointment with my doctor, she had me do some pre-screening labs since I was combining my annual exam with the IUD placement. Then, when she came into the office, she told me she couldn’t do it because I was pregnant. I’m also anemic, so I have to take iron pills and prenatal vitamins.”

  “What about all the drinking we did over the holidays? And an ultrasound … did you get one?” Noah is talking a mile a minute, but I suppose I wouldn’t have expected anything less.

  “That worried me, too, but she said it happens all the time and as long as I wasn’t fall-down, pass-out drunk, everything should be okay. Especially since this is really early. She estimates conception at Thanksgiving, which I don’t understand because we’ve been so careful. And no, no ultrasound. Her machine was down and we were leaving too fast for her to get me in somewhere. She did give me the name of a doctor here I could try to see.”

  Noah’s fiddling with the drawstring on his pajama pants. “Um, Mel, there’s something I need to confess.”

  “If it’s another woman, Noah, this is not the time.”