Just an Illusion - The B Side

by D. Kelly

  “Morning.”

  The two of us still have our morning routine while Noah still sleeps like the dead. Sawyer has stopped calling me Princess completely, and no one batted an eye. Guess I was the only one keeping track.

  “So today is the big day. Are you excited?”

  “I am, but I’m also scared.”

  His gaze travels to the window before looking back at me. “Are you even excited?”

  His question catches me off guard. “I’m getting there. After today, I think I will be.” What I really want to say was I’m excited Noah is getting everything he wants, but I’m not sure I’m completely on board with the whole thing yet.

  “That’s good, I was just curious. You seemed completely overwhelmed with all the attention at Easter.”

  “Your family was excited, I get it. But my emotions are on high right now, and I was overwhelmed. I’m not sure I’ve ever met anyone as excited for babies as the people in your family.”

  “Ha! You think that was bad, you should have seen when Diane was pregnant. Mom would show up at her house almost daily with new magazines, books, gifts, you name it. Rob finally had to talk to my dad to make it stop. Be glad you’re on tour and she’s not your actual mother.”

  I bite down on my lip when he says that. “Shit, I’m sorry, Mel, I didn’t mean it like that. Is that why this is so hard for you? Because your parents aren’t here?”

  Here come the tears. Pregnancy hormones are the absolute worst.

  “That’s a loaded question I try not to give much thought to. Of course I wish they were here for this, but if they were, I most likely wouldn’t be where I am now. I’d probably be singing and touring, and my book would have never been written. At least, if my dad had gotten his way.”

  Sawyer drops the subject and pulls a pack of Pop-Tarts from his secret stash. “Here, you know this will make you feel better.” He hands me the pack with a smile.

  For whatever reason, eating Pop-Tarts while pregnant is almost a transcendent experience. After moaning in appreciation, I lick my lips.

  Sawyer rolls his eyes. “Stop making it sexual or I won’t give them to you anymore. Fuck, I need to get laid.”

  “Well, we’re in The Sunshine State, so I’m sure you won’t have a lack of willing participants. Especially since we’re in hotels once we get to Orlando. One more hour and you can … scratch your itch.” I laugh at my own joke and even Sawyer joins in.

  “What are you two laughing about?” Noah asks sleepily.

  “Nothing,” Sawyer says at the same time I tell Noah the truth.

  “Sawyer needing to get laid.”

  Noah is immediately irritated when he hears the difference in our answers. This is what it’s been like the past few months. My relationship with Sawyer is fine. But a good part of the time, Sawyer is an ass to Noah for no reason. I want to talk to him about it, but I don’t want to make it worse. Darren has tried, though, and it works for a bit and then he’s back to being angry.

  Sawyer goes to his room and Noah leans down and kisses me and then like he does every morning, he leans down and kisses the baby good morning too.

  “Do you know why Sawyer seems so angry with me all the time?”

  God, does that question hurt my heart.

  “Not for sure, but if I had to guess, I think he feels left behind. All of his best friends are married or getting married, and two of the three of you are starting families. I think, deep down inside, Sawyer wants what you have but he doesn’t know how to get it.”

  “I miss my brother, Mel. What can I do?” Noah’s sad eyes make me want to cry, but I don’t because I’m a contributor to that sadness; I won’t give myself an easy out on my guilt.

  “What you’re already doing, Noah. Take his smartass comments and love him anyway. But maybe try and find some bonding time with him this week. The two of you should go to Disney World or something and act young and dumb. Or go to Harry Potter World and drink some Butterbeer.”

  Noah stands up, smiling away. “Great idea. I’m going to go talk to him about it right now and then I’m taking a shower. Our appointment is in two hours and I want to be off the bus as soon as it stops. The sooner we get there, the sooner we get to see Baby Weston.”

  Our appointment. Never once have I felt like I’m in this alone. My emotions about this pregnancy might still be mixed but my love for its father has never faltered.

  While Noah showers, I take the opportunity to type up my notes from yesterday’s interview with Harold, one of our bus drivers. I had a feeling they’d have some good information for this book and I wasn’t disappointed. I recall our conversation with a smile.

  “Hey, Harold, mind if I keep you company up here and interview you for my book?”

  Harold motions to the seat next to him with an easy smile. “I’d be a fool not to spend an afternoon with a beautiful lady. Don’t go falling in love with me, though … my wife’s had my heart for thirty years now.”

  “Wow, thirty years, and you’re on the road so much. How do you keep it together?”

  “Everyone’s got to make a living. It can be hard at times, but Noah and Sawyer make it a point to fly my family out when we have extended days off. They’re good bosses, and my kids are the envy of their friends for not only knowing BAD but also having the opportunity to hang out with them.”

  Damn, Noah and Sawyer strike again. I’ve never met anyone who cares like they do. Even if Sawyer is a bit more low-key about it all. “That’s a great job perk. Are there any other’s you’d like to share?”

  “This job has lots of advantages. I love driving and seeing the country in all its seasons. It’s my pride and joy to keep these guys safe and keep the tour running without interruptions if possible. I’d have taken this job in a heartbeat even without the benefits because the pay is good and the company is excellent. But my favorite perk of the job is for each year I drive, my kids get one year of college paid for. I’ve got two kids and I’ve worked here eight years. Neither of them will ever have to take out a student loan.”

  Blinking back my hormonal tears I scribble my notes furiously. I wonder if they have this deal with other people on the tour as well?

  “How old are your kids?”

  He points up to the visor. “You can take that picture down and look at it. My daughter is fifteen and my son is seventeen.”

  They’re cute kids, and his wife is gorgeous.

  “What does your wife do?”

  “She’s a stay-at-home mom. We decided it was important for them to have her home full-time when I took this job. She loves it and sends me videos of everything, so even if I can’t be there I never truly miss things.”

  He’s got such a laidback attitude; it’s rare to meet someone with such an ease about them. I’m sorry I haven’t made the effort to get to know him sooner, but I’m glad the guys make an effort to spend time with the drivers when they can.

  “Okay, Harold, time for the down and dirty. What’s the most outrageous thing you’ve had happen on the bus? Maybe something to do with the fans or something the guys did … inquiring minds want to know. But rest assured they have final say on what goes in the book.”

  He releases a belly laugh and shakes his head. “Girl, I thought you were trying to get me in trouble for a minute.”

  “Oh, come on! I wouldn’t do that. I’m just doing my job same as you.”

  “These guys are good guys. In the beginning, they were a bit rambunctious. It’s really the fans who are out of control, or who can be. There was one time when we were stopped for groceries and it was right when BAD had become famous on their first tour. One of the guys forgot to lock the bus.”

  “Oh no …”

  Laughing, Harold looks at me quickly before putting his eyes back on the road. “Oh yeah. We came out of the store and there were at least four women just lounging in their underwear waiting for them. Poor Noah, he was trying to avert his eyes and stay sweet but firm. They we
re all on the same bus back then. As soon as Wyatt saw what was going on, he turned around and got off the bus. Called out ‘later’ behind him and just bailed.”

  Harold is laughing so hard he’s wheezing. “Darren and Sawyer … well, let’s just say they enjoyed themselves. Noah followed Wyatt pretty quickly. They were outside discussing the pitfalls of life on the road while Darren and Sawyer were inside enjoying what they considered the perks of the road. Just goes to show you, no two people see the same situation quite the same. There was a lot of that over the years …girls sneaking onto the buses. Back then they didn’t have the fancy digital doors like we do now. It’s easier for them to get into the hotel rooms now than it is for them to sneak onto the bus.”

  Isn’t that the truth? Shaking away thoughts of Sara in our room, I turn my attention back to him. Harold begins to slow the bus so he can park at our next stop.

  “Okay, last question, what is your favorite memory out of all your time with BAD?”

  “That’s easy, Wyatt and Anna’s wedding. Finding balance in a life like this isn’t easy, but those two have juggled their love, schedules, and careers since they were practically babies. Knowing love won in the end, and being able to witness their union, was one of my favorite days.” He pauses and turns back to me after we’re fully stopped.

  “You and Noah have that same kind of love. It’s visible to anyone, even if they don’t know you. Don’t let anyone take that away from you because most people are lucky to find a love like yours in their lifetime. Finding it a second time … well, it’s next to impossible.”

  “Thanks, Harold, I think we’re pretty lucky, too. Speaking of Noah, if I don’t finish getting ready, he’s going to freak. He owes me a lunch date today … one that isn’t on the bus.”

  “Well, you two have fun and enjoy your date. I’ll see you when you get back.”

  “Are you ready, Mel?” Noah asks, freshly showered and looking sexy as ever.

  “Yeah, let me put this stuff away and I’m all yours.”

  “Are you two ready to see your baby?” the doctor asks with a bright, happy smile. Dr. Walter is a younger woman, probably mid- to late thirties at the most. It’s obvious she’s a fan of Noah’s. So far, they all seem to be, but no one has crossed any boundaries yet, so it’s all good.

  “We are so ready!” Noah exclaims, squeezing my hand. I want to record his reaction, but it’s not possible with the way we are situated. I’ll have to write about it as soon as we get back. One thing I have started is a journal for the baby to have when it’s older. It’s silly, but I would have liked something like that, especially now, with my parents gone.

  After taking all her measurements, the doctor shows us the heartbeat—my favorite part of these appointments. It’s so strong, just like Noah’s. But this 3D ultrasound might be my new favorite thing. The baby’s features are so prominent already and it’s only the size of a bell pepper. How crazy is that?

  “Do you see this? she asks, pointing to the monitor.

  “Is that what I think it is?” I ask, suddenly completely excited.

  “If you think it’s a penis, then yes. Congratulations, you two, you’re having a boy.”

  “Noah! It’s a boy, we’re having a boy!” I’m screaming while he’s still got his eyes locked on the monitor.

  “Let me get the pictures that printed out and I’ll give you a few minutes alone.” She hands me a towel to wipe off the ultrasound gel; Noah helps me up as soon as it’s gone. After buttoning up my pants, Noah lifts me off the ground and spins me in a circle.

  “We’re having a boy, Mel! Do you know what that means?”

  “Diane is stealing our baby?”

  “No way in hell. It means I can teach him to play guitar, and baseball, and how to treat women right, all like my dad taught us. And I can read stories to him and search for monsters and have mud fights.” His eyes are dancing and he’s still looking at the screen over my shoulder.

  “You get to do all of that. You’re also in charge of baths after those mud fights.”

  “Deal.” Then he pulls us to the ultrasound machine and takes out his phone. “Crouch down here,” he says as he moves to the other side of the machine to take the same pose. He takes a few pictures of us with the monitor between us and then shows them to me. “Look, our first family photos.”

  And fuck me sideways if the waterworks don’t start falling from my eyes out of fucking nowhere. This is my family. Mine.

  “That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen. You should caption it and send it to our friends, but don’t tell them the sex. We need to do something unique for that tonight.”

  “Good idea.” He’s already typing and texting.

  “Noah, when we go home for Fourth of July weekend we should do a maternity photo shoot. Nothing big, but it can be the next stage of our family photos.”

  “I fucking love that idea, and I love you, too.” Of course, as soon as he lowers his lips to mine, the doctor comes back inside the room. After she officially tells us everything is right on track and there’s nothing to worry about, we’re on our way.

  That night, the band didn’t have a show. Noah and I invited everyone to our room so we could tell them about the baby. At the same time they were supposed to be with us we had deliveries made to Anna, Sam, Veronica, Jordan, Eli, and Noah’s parent’s and sisters. They all got a bouquet of blue tulips with a card. We wanted to go all out with balloons but since no one outside of the immediate family knows we had to keep it low key in case the reporters are out lurking.

  For our room, we found this big round black plastic ball. It’s got a latch in the middle you can easily open. We filled it to capacity with blue confetti and Noah hung it from the ceiling. We decided to let Sawyer be the one to open it and make him part of the process. Housekeeping is going to hate us but Noah promised he’d make it worth their while.

  Everyone is here except for Belle and Darren, but when they walk in, I almost lose my shit. “Belle! You’re all baby!”

  Her waddle is the cutest thing, and I’m surprised she was even willing to get on a plane to come here. With an exhausted sigh, she takes a seat. “I know, and it’s getting hard to breathe and hard to move. The doctor said she’s already in position, so it’s just a matter of when she wants to come. He said her size is good so she shouldn’t have any issues if she’s a couple weeks early.”

  Darren sits next to her, pulls her legs into his lap, and rubs her ankles. Those are huge, too, but I’m not saying anything about that. I’m sure that will be me in another three months or less.

  Noah takes a quick second to position a fan at the ball, and turning it up to high. Wyatt gives him a quizzical look but doesn’t say anything.

  “Can you two stop being so secretive and tell us already if I’m having another niece or a nephew finally?” Sawyer’s excited, even if he’s acting huffy and puffy.

  “Actually, little brother, why don’t you do us the honors and open that latch on the ball?”

  Sawyer cautiously looks up. “I’m not going to get slimed, am I?”

  “I wouldn’t do that to you, Sawyer,” Noah says solemnly, and Sawyer opens the ball.

  Just as we hoped, the fan blows the confetti everywhere as it’s falling. Everyone is covered in blue.

  “Look! They’re having a Smurf!” Darren quips, making me laugh.

  “Yes! You’re the man, Noah! Diane is going to kick your ass, but I don’t care because I finally get a nephew!” Sawyer, along with pretty much everyone, brushes away the confetti while Noah turns off the fan. For the first time in months, Sawyer looks genuinely happy.

  “Mel! Our babies are going to grow up and get married!” Belle screams from the couch as I lean down to hug her. I had the exact same thought.

  “I’m not so sure I want my daughter dating a Weston. I was never allowed to date a Weston, so maybe I should return the favor,” Darren teases.

  Belle socks him. “My best friend
’s son can date my daughter any time he wants to. Especially if he treats her the way his daddy treats his mama.”

  Warren gives me a big hug. “Your parents would be so happy for you. Your dad always wanted to try for another baby, but your mom never thought it was fair for you to be raised on the road. She couldn’t bear to do that to another child. Although, I don’t think you turned out half bad. I can’t wait to meet him, Mel. You guys are making me proud.”

  We end up ordering drinks and food and celebrating with our family for hours. The proud look on Noah’s face never left. I know he said he wanted a healthy baby, even mentioned he wouldn’t mind a girl, but based on his reaction there’s no doubt in my mind he was wishing for a boy, just like I was.

  Today, Sawyer and Noah are spending the day at Disney World. Noah said when he asked Sawyer to spend a brothers’ day together, he lit up. He also said Sawyer is a sucker for amusement parks, so he wasn’t sure if he was excited to spend time with Noah or to be going to Disney.

  Throughout the day, Noah has been sending me the best selfies of the two of them, and Mac having a blast. Noah and Sawyer look completely carefree. It makes my heart happy to see them bonding, and I can only hope that from here on out the animosity between them will be gone.

  He’s also been sending me random texts to check in, show his affection, and warn me about the barrage of packages about to hit the hotel. Apparently, he and Sawyer went a bit overboard shopping for Saylor and Emme; not that I’d expect anything less.

  After moving all the photos into a file on my computer, I start uploading them to a printing site. I’ve been printing pictures like crazy and having them sent to the house. When we get home from tour, I’m going to start making photo albums. Some people think it’s old school, but I loved looking through Noah and Sawyer’s childhood memories; I want that for our kids one day.

  My phone beeps. Expecting it to be another picture from Noah, I’m surprised when I find one from Sawyer. It’s of the two of them on a boat in It’s a Small World with the song attached as well. It makes me smile.