Feta and Freeways

by Baganz, Susan M. ;

  * * *

  He knew it was wrong, yet Niko spent time reading more of Tia’s journals. He should stop, but he figured he was in this far… He longed to understand this woman who was familiar and a mystery all at once.

  He came across this entry.

  I write romance, I listen to the love songs, and the grief hits like a rockslide in my heart. Wasted. Alone. Buried in singledom. Has it been worth it, Lord?

  I may not be beautiful, but I had opportunities to sin. I recognized them as a cheap imitation of what You desired for me if you ever allowed me a husband. Thank You for giving me the strength to survive the temptations and lures. Even on the road. I’m sure the guys in the band never realized the way men hit on me at the gigs. Or insulted me. The condescension to a woman has been a struggle at times. Even though I’ve pulled my weight, even helping with the roadie part of the job. The groping. The innuendos. I kind of expected it at the more diverse concert venues, but it was eye-opening to experience it at some churches and Christian festivals as well.

  Now I’ve come to realize we’re all human and struggle with the temptation to sin. Some of us are further along the road to holiness and sanctification than others. I’m so young in this journey.

  I’ve learned a lot from Nikolos as he’s led the band in studying Your words. He’s a man of wisdom and passion. I keep praying Your protection over him with the challenges he faces. I’ve seen him biting his tongue. I’ve witnessed him asking for forgiveness. I’ve observed him laboring in prayer over his own weaknesses.

  I want a man like him to lead me someday. Lord, if You have a partner in my future, let him be a leader like Niko. Not perfect, but growing and honest about the struggle. Is that an unfair standard to set? Stephanie says Niko is the “gold standard” by which I measure every other man who comes across my path. His only flaw is his inability to see me. But that’s not his fault. If I were worthy of a man like him—he’d have noticed.

  Still, it’s a blessing to be under his leadership on this tour. I realize they think I run herd on them in many ways with the details of times and places they need to be, but spiritually it is Nikolos who shepherds us as Your little flock. I’m going to miss them. I’ll miss him. I’ve learned so much. I love them all—but Niko…well, You know my heart, don’t you, Jesus?

  I’ll trust You even as You take my dearest heart’s desire from me once again.

  How will I bear it? I foresee bucket-loads of tears, so prepare Your jars to store them in. My future stretches out dark and bleak, and sometimes I wonder if I can survive this.

  This tour will be a special memory for me to hold onto. I’ve experienced joy being privileged to work with this group of brothers-in-Christ. Warriors on the battlefield going before and worshipping You with songs proclaiming Your truth and sending the demons running. I fear walking away from the protection of their headship over me. Your banner over me is love, and I’ve seen it lived out with these guys. Thank you, Lord, for this once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience the sweetness of that.

  He let the notebook fall shut. So many thoughts vied for attention in his mind. The role of shepherd she saw in him. How could he have missed the love she expressed so eloquently in her writing? Moments from the past few months flashed across the movie screen of his mind. Tia’s pat on his back and soft words of encouragement. Handing him a towel. Winding up cords after a concert. Keeping fans at bay. Her eyes sparkling with excitement as she shared their reviews.

  Her posts for them on social media shared the humor and fatigue of life on the road with their fans. Sure he’d thanked her time and again in an offhand manner. She was doing her job, and she did it better than anyone. But he’d also taken her for granted.

  He might be the shepherd of Specific Gravity. Tia was the heart.

  Lord, help me be the man she needs me to be.

  What wounds will she carry once the physical ones heal? She would likely carry deep emotional and physical scars from the attack. To save him, of all people. No greater love than a man lays down his life for his friend. She’d modeled that verse.

  Marry her.

  The thought popped into his head. Where did that come from?

  Marriage? He never seriously considered the idea of marriage before now. Sure, he’d enjoyed the company of women over the years but none to make him consider the challenges involved in making a relationship like that work. After all, look at Johnny’s failed marriage. Was it worth it to take a risk like that? Life on the road made it hard to think of that kind of commitment. Their drummer, Wayne, and his wife, Candace, seemed to make it work.

  But Tia? Hmmm. Perhaps. He smiled. For the first time, he could imagine a woman by his side through his life. Someone his brothers in the band loved and cared about. Lord? Is she the one You intended to be my wife?

  How blind had he been?

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Where words fail, music speaks.

  Hans Christian Anderson

  The rental car was loaded up, and Tia reveled in the comfort of her own clothes as the nurse wheeled her out to the curb at the hospital. Johnny opened the front door, and both men helped her in with such care. They tossed her belongings in the trunk. Yesterday, she was finally able to sneak access to her computer against doctor’s orders and discovered the boys submitted her manuscript for her. On time. Her editor now knew about the incident and emailed reassurance they were still on track.

  She worried about the medical bills, but the boys told her not to. Seriously? They had no clue what this was going to cost her. How could she ever pay for this? She’d have to talk to her attorney. Perhaps the man who caused her injures could also be responsible for paying for her recovery? Right. How can a man in jail for attempted murder do that?

  Niko buckled her in, and Johnny jumped into the back seat. The global positioning system would guide them home with only two nights at hotels. The slower pace was due to the doctor’s insistence, but she was grateful. She reclined her seat and drifted to sleep as Niko and Johnny bantered back and forth.

  She was cared for. Protected. Life wasn’t as dark as she previously imagined. At least at this point in time. She’d worry about tomorrow when she got there.

  * * *

  Johnny headed upstairs after dinner, leaving her with Niko. Alone. Other than in the hospital room, when did that ever happen? He played with his napkin and avoided eye contact.

  “I need to make a confession.” He stammered out. Where was the smooth-talking musician?

  “I’m not a priest.” She sipped her water. The medication made her thirsty, and she was due for another dose.

  His grin was crooked, but he didn’t lose the wrinkles on his forehead. “I might need your absolution for my sin, however.”

  With a formal accent she said, “My child, how have you sinned?” She witnessed the tear in the paper napkin. Bit by bit he destroyed it, making quite a mess.

  “Johnny found your journals and encouraged me to read them.”

  “Excuse me? You did what? My personal diary. You read my private thoughts and prayers?”

  He nodded, frowning, but said nothing.

  “But Johnny’s to blame?” Her jaw dropped. She’d always respected Niko—but to go from ignoring her to this invasion? She couldn’t wrap her mind around it. What exactly had he read?

  “No.” His Adam’s apple bobbed. “The fault is mine. He believed you liked me and wanted to shake me up. I was already pretty crazed after your attack. The scales fell from my eyes, and I finally realized the treasure that had been there all along.”

  “Johnny needs to mind his own stinkin’ business.” Her teeth were clenched, and the tension in her body aggravated her stiches. “And so should you.” She wasn’t prone to violence, but right now she itched to slap him. The thought shamed her.

  He sighed. “We both meant well. I read entries from the past few months.” He reached for her hand, but she pulled away. “Listen. We weren’t sure you’d survive. I realized I wasn’t as well-acquainte
d with you as I should be—given how long we’ve been together on this journey. I didn’t read everything. I’m sorry I violated your privacy, but I confess to a lack of repentance for the window into your soul I was able to peer into.”

  She was speechless. Numb. Ambivalent. Did it matter? She shook with pain and anger.

  “Please say you’ll forgive me, Tia?” Finally, those dark eyes that melted hearts met hers. Pleading.

  Tia hesitated and stumbled over her words. “I forgive you, Niko, but more as an act of my will because emotionally I’m not there. God is in a better position to mete out punishment than I am right now. Getting my heart to come around? I can’t vouch for that. I’m ticked and can’t believe you violated the trust I placed in you. I’m not sure how this affects our relationship. I need to think and pray about this. I can’t even begin to…”

  Niko reached out and clasped her hands. He held them firmly in his grip. “You’re a beautiful writer. It’s no wonder you’ve been the one to help me with lyrics. As I read, I grew to understand and love you. My heart ached for the pain you keep hidden. I don’t want you to hide from me anymore.”

  She tugged her hands into her lap. “I can’t promise anything. Not even any kind of relationship between us.” Her teeth clenched, increasing her headache. She stood, and he followed suit. “I need another pain pill and rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  He nodded and strode beside her to the elevator and rode with her to her room adjoining theirs, although the door between remained closed. “Please keep your inside door unlocked in case you need us.” He moved to lean to give her a kiss on the cheek, but she backed away.

  “I need time, Niko.”

  He bit his lip, stepped back, and let her go. “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, you keep saying that. But that doesn’t make everything better. It’s not a magic wand you can wave…” Tia entered her dark hotel room, slamming the door behind her without a second glance at the man standing there. She flicked on the lamp and went to sit at her laptop for a few minutes, checking her emails. Totally violating doctor’s orders but she apparently still had a job to do. There wasn’t much to take care of at the moment, and fatigue left her bones soft as noodles. She changed, took her medications, slipped into bed, and turned off the light. Tears soaked her pillow.

  She was unsettled from Niko’s confession. Tia prayed the nightmares wouldn’t come. The boys were unaware of them, but the doctor told her the sleeping pill might help ward them off. Her memory began to return. Frightening images and the terror of her attack erupted when she least expected it and mixed with frightful memories from her past. Would she get a reprieve tonight?

  * * *

  A scream rent the silence, and Niko jerked out of bed, moving in a flash to the adjoining door. Johnny flipped on the lamp. A cry and a thump came from the room next door. Niko flung the door open, fumbled for a light, and smashed his little toe on a piece of furniture.

  “Ouch!” Who designed these rooms, anyway?

  Tia thrashed about, weeping on the bed.

  “Tia?”

  “Is she okay?” Johnny yawned from the door as Niko limped toward her. She slapped him away.

  “Don’t touch me. Get away!”

  “It’s Niko. Tia, you’re having a nightmare. Everything’s fine.”

  “No! I won’t let you!” She kicked out, and even wrapped in the blankets, she managed to strike Niko in a sensitive area with a lot of force.

  He bent over in pain as he backed away from any more flailing limbs. “Ouch, that hurt. Johnny, some help here?”

  Johnny left the room and returned with Niko’s guitar. “Sing to her.”

  “What?” He grabbed it.

  “Sing.”

  Niko limped to a nearby chair, sat, and started to strum. He began to sing the song he’d written for her.

  I keep searching for your smile, in every crowd I see

  The one I long to sing to, who really loves me

  I inspect the crowd, longing to see your face

  The curve of your cheek, lips that speak grace

  And I’m missing you when you’re not there.

  Your encouraging wink, and the private jokes we share

  So, never leave me, sweetheart

  Or my singing days are through

  Don’t ever let us part

  The music means little, if there’s no you

  Johnny harmonized, and together they observed Tia’s tears slow and her body relax. The tune finished, and Johnny motioned for them to leave with a finger over his lips.

  Niko reluctantly followed, turning out the lights as he left, leaving the doors open between the rooms.

  He returned the instrument to its case and limped to his bed. “If she fought him that hard, I’m surprised he succeeded in hurting her like he did.”

  “He wielded a gun and a knife. Those can be persuasive. Plus, he strangled her and smashed her head in.”

  Niko’s toe throbbed, swelled to twice its size, and turned colors. “We got any ice?”

  “I can get some.”

  “Please.” Niko groaned as he collapsed onto the mattress in agony.

  Johnny grabbed a bottle of an over-the-counter anti-inflammatory from his bag and tossed it to Niko. “That’ll help.” Collecting his key card and ice bucket, he took off for the ice.

  The door shut, and Niko rolled back onto the bed. Lord, give her peace. A tear raced down his cheek to tickle his ear as he thought of the horror she re-experienced in her dreams and the pain he suffered in his body.

  He suspected more than his little toe was turning colors.

  * * *

  Tia woke as the sun peeked through a space in the drapes. The covers twisted around her, and she was drenched in sweat. She ached all over. So much for peaceful rest. She suspected it had been a rough night but couldn’t remember any of it. Only horror. Dark terror had gripped her. She rose, grabbed her clothes, and spied the door open between the rooms. She walked to the entry to the next room and peeked in to see the boys asleep. Niko was curled up in the fetal position, and his forehead wrinkled as if he were in pain. His right foot was exposed and the baby toe was swollen and purple. What happened?

  Both men wore t-shirts and pajama bottoms. Not enough to hide their strength. She gazed at Niko. She really did adore him. If only—

  She said she forgave him for reading her most private thoughts. She could understand the temptation she’d face if she came across his journals. But that didn’t mean she could trust him. It was as if she was blindfolded and stripped bare, not knowing who was peering inside her soul. Her heart ached over the betrayal. Love supposedly covered a multitude of sins, but what did it matter, anyway? He was a friend and nothing more. She was embarrassed that he knew how much she adored him. Like a childhood crush she couldn’t shake, it was supposed to be for her and God alone to know about. Sure, she’d shared her silly infatuation with Stephanie, but now that he knew—would he use it against her? Tease her?

  She was delusional if she thought the warmth in his gaze meant he returned her affection. Probably another side effect of her accident. And what man wouldn’t be flattered by the attention of a woman? She definitely didn’t fit his profile of women who attracted him anyway. She was far from tall, lithe, and blonde. And she never flirted.

  She glanced at him again as he slept. He was muscle and poetry. Grace and strength. Everything she ever desired in a man. Get it through your silly heart, girl. He’s not yours and never will be. She backed out of the room, closed the door softly behind her, and locked it.

  * * *

  Niko limped to the bathroom and showered. He’d be in pain for a while. Maybe at their first fuel stop at a convenience store he could find a package of frozen vegetables to alleviate his discomfort. He had flip-flops, but he hated wearing those. Johnny would need to drive today so Niko could nurse his misery in the privacy of the back seat.

  Tia must have closed the door between the two rooms, and no sounds came from
the other side. He doubted she remembered anything about last night. How long would she suffer from the attack? It would be a bummer for her husband if he got beaten up in his sleep.

  Somehow, that didn’t worry him.

  * * *

  Johnny slid into the booth across from Tia in the hotel restaurant.

  “I’m not too happy with you,” she said.

  “Niko told you about the journals?”

  She nodded as she cut a piece of sausage and chewed. He waited.

  “You had no right to betray my trust.” Her eyebrows rose as if daring him to contradict her.

  “Come on. You’re perfect for him. So shoot me for being a matchmaker. Niko needed a whack across the side of the head, and you deserve to be loved.” He sipped his coffee.

  Tears welled up in her eyes. “I don’t want a guy to choose me because I’m convenient.”

  “You’re more than that, and you know it. Listen, Tia. I’d like to say I’m sorry I tempted him like that. But I’m not. I didn’t really read them. You’re like a sister to me, and I know how many times you’ve been hurt by Niko’s thoughtlessness. You’re either in love with him or incredibly stupid to have stayed around in spite of all that. And I know you’re not stupid.

  “You have a servant’s heart, and Specific Gravity would not be where we are today without your hard work and dedication. Nikolos can get a little puffed up in his own consequence, but you know at his core he’s not a prideful man. He gets swayed by the attention. We’ve all been. Except for you.”

  “Why couldn’t I have fallen in love with you?”

  Johnny grinned. “We tried that, remember?”

  She bit her lip to keep from laughing. “It was almost comical. I’m sorry, Johnny. You deserve someone who will love you too.”

  “Nah. Between Donna and the cancer? I’m not a good catch for anyone.”

  “Remember when you tried to kiss me?”

  Johnny busted out a laugh. “Yes. That had to have been the biggest disaster of dates I’d ever been on. I’m grateful that we both agreed that there was no spark there and could go back to being friends.”