Be My December

by Rachel Brookes

  “I just need to talk to her, to tell her, to try and make this right. I will understand if she can’t forgive me, and I deserve that, but she deserves my truth. She deserved it from day one. I thought I was doing the right thing Ashlyn; I just wanted to give her everything I couldn’t give her four years ago.”

  “All she wanted was you Ky.”

  I woke for another day of hiding out in Ashlyn’s apartment, another day of allowing my thoughts to strangle me. I had barely said anything about what I was now referring to as the ‘incident.’ Ashlyn had tried; Josh constantly came to visit and my phone was relentlessly bombarded with messages from Ky but really who could I trust? My days were spent editing photos, watching daytime television, and conversing through email when I needed to discuss the project. I had one more shoot and then I was leaving.

  I stumbled into the small guest bathroom in Ashlyn’s apartment and was slapped in the face by the distinct smell of Ky that lingered in the air. It was the same scent that had the ability to send me over the edge and into an unknown land of bliss within seconds. It had been three days since my past crashed head first into my present. Three days since I had run out of his apartment, since his lips had been on my body, and three days since I’d had any sleep. I was a narcissist—that was the only way to explain the thoughts zooming through my mind. I wanted his scent to attach itself to my needy body; I wanted to wash in his familiarity; I wanted him to imprint himself so deeply within me that I would never forget the little things. I missed him. I never wanted this vulnerability, or this need, and I never wanted these feelings. Confusion swept through me. I needed a distraction; I need to get him out of my head and fast.

  I pulled my robe around my body and made my way through the apartment to find Ashlyn making a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen.

  “When was Ky here?”

  She looked up and greeted me with a wary smile. She was dressed and ready for work while I was getting ready for another day on the couch. “He came to use the shower this morning, his bathrooms are getting some work done to it.”

  “Oh okay.” I nodded, a shiver running down my spine at the thought that Ky had been so close.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “I know that you two are in some kind of crazy agreement but everyone can see that it is beyond that.” Ashlyn walked across the room and grabbed both my hands and pulled me toward the couch. “Please talk to me.”

  I collapsed on the couch and pulled the comforter around my body. “I don’t know what is real with him. The past month has been incredible; I have experienced emotions and feelings I never could have imagined but how do I know that anything he has said was real or if he was just saying them to make himself feel better. It’s obvious that he has this guilt when it comes to me but he has no reason to feel guilty. He wasn’t the one who raped me. He wasn’t the one who ripped my innocence away from me.”

  “I have known Ky a long time. He doesn’t do things he doesn’t mean. If he has said anything to you then he means everything. He doesn’t open up to people or allow himself to get close, and he doesn’t just bring a girl into his world. You need to talk to him.”

  “When did you meet him?”

  She closed her eyes briefly and took a deep breath.

  “It was just after you left. I went back to school after Christmas break and that’s when I met Josh. In a drunken moment Josh and I hooked up and as I was leaving his apartment Ky walked out of his room. That was my introduction to Ky Crawford. I knew who he was from around campus and we got to chatting and he mentioned you and then I told him we shared a couple of classes. He wanted to find out where you were and when you were coming back. I’ll never forget the sound of his voice. He was so panicked.”

  “Why wouldn’t he have told me?”

  “I can’t answer that. You have to ask him that.”

  “Is he working today?”

  “He is.” She swiveled on the couch and faced me. “What are you thinking?”

  What was I thinking?

  I missed him.

  I couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  I wanted answers.

  “I want to see him.”

  An hour later the cab was pulling up in front of the building. The trip from the island was spent going over what I would say to him, how I would react, and what I would do. I had no answers, no plans, and absolutely no expectations. I pulled my trench coat tightly around my body as I stood on the sidewalk. I felt my nerves rushing in and the thought of leaving barreled in.

  “Eden?”

  I turned at the sound of my name. Josh stood near the entry and looked at me completely flustered. Obviously I wasn’t who he expected to see. I smiled and dropped my eyes.

  “What are you doing here?” He pulled me into his body and his warmth soothed me. “Are you here to see Ky?”

  “I think so.”

  “You think so?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “Come and have a coffee with me. I want to chat with you about something.”

  A coffee couldn’t hurt, and maybe it would help me come up with some game plan for when I faced Ky. If anyone would know what was going on, it would be his brother. I nodded and followed him to the nearest Starbucks. After ordering we sat at a quiet table at the back of the coffee shop and a nervous silence fell over us.

  “So how have you been?” He finally spoke.

  “I’ve been okay.”

  “Have you spoken to Ky?”

  “No.”

  “I don’t want to get involved in your business, because it’s not my place, but I’ve been carrying something around with me since this whole thing went down with hope that I would see you. Fuck, he is going to hate me for doing this, but I think you need to see this.”

  He handed me a beaten up looking envelope. It was torn at the edges and had weathered over time. My name was written on the front in the familiar handwriting of Ky Crawford.

  “What’s this?” I asked with wide eyes. My hands shook as I grabbed the envelope from the table.

  “That right there is my brother’s inner thoughts to you. He has been sitting on that fucking letter for four years. I found him writing it, completely fucked up on whiskey the week after—” He didn’t have to say it, his eyes said it all. “He sent it, but it got returned. He became obsessed with finding out about you. He just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “Josh, I had no clue.”

  “Please go and talk to him. Let him at least explain. If you are going to run off back to the West Coast he will need closure.”

  Closure. That was what I wanted all along. It was what I craved. Ky and I had a reason for this month, I just never knew. I felt stronger than I had in years, and it was thanks to him. I felt like I could once again be in this town and not feel weak and it was all thanks to him. He ignited hunger within me—desire, expectation, need—and it was all him.

  I stood from the seat, holding onto the envelope with dear life. I would know Ky’s words, but I wanted him to read it. I pushed back from the table and Josh copied. We walked out of Starbucks and back toward the office. If I didn’t do go and see Ky now, I wasn’t sure if I would or not. We walked in silence. I was comforted with Josh by my side. God I hope he was still there. It was closing in on six pm. Winter night had fallen over New York City. We stood in the elevator, I paid close attention to the floors, and it felt like it took forever.

  “He will be in his office. I’ll make sure you have no interruptions.”

  I walked through the nearly abandoned office, a couple of enthusiastic staff still lingering at their desks. The door of Ky’s office was closed when I reached it and no sound seeped through. With a deep breath I knocked firmly and waited.

  “Come in.”

  His voice hit me square in the heart. Okay, I could do this. My shaking hand grabbed hold of the doorknob and twisted, the door opened, and I stepped in.

  He sat at his desk, the skyline glisten
ed behind him through the windows. He looked so young sitting there. When I didn’t say anything he finally looked up. Shock spread across his face as he took me in.

  “Eden?” he asked in shock, clearly not believing I was standing in his office. I closed the door behind me and turned the latch. “What are you—” His eyes dropped to the envelope in my hand.

  “I want you to read me this.” My voice shook with trepidation. The color drained from his face as he took in my words.

  “Eden, please don’t make me.” Ky begged in a voice that shattered like glass. He started to rise from his desk, his eyes locked to mine. I shook my head dismissively, and he immediately sat back down in defeat. I tore my eyes away from his, dropping my gaze to the floor and inhaled deeply. My emotions bounced all over the place as I tried to comprehend everything around me. I had a man sitting completely defeated in front of me, I had a heart that had finally opened to the idea of love by the same man and a lie was now clouding my opportunity to begin again. I finally found my confidence and lifted my head and looked at him. His gaze held strong though he looked completely shattered. I took him in as he was; strong, protective, passionate, and now drowning in reluctance.

  I moved across the room until I stood beside the desk. My hands shook with nerves when I held the envelope out.

  Ky’s eyes darted between me and the letter. “Do you really want me to do this?”

  “I need you to do this Ky.”

  “For you, I’d do anything,” he whispered, and with a nervous hand he took the envelope from me.

  He slid his index finger along the seal, slowly opening it and bringing the folded piece of paper out. I held my breath. My anticipation ran rampant. I had absolutely no idea what to expect or what he would say. His eyes bounced from the piece of paper to me. I could see his hand shaking as he held the paper then he cleared his throat and began.

  Dear Eden,

  I don’t know what to say or how to even start this letter. I am so fucking sorry. I am beyond fucking sorry. I thought he was my best friend. I thought I could tell my best friend about the girl I had been admiring from afar. I thought it was simply a conversation between two guys in their dorm room. You were who I dreamt about, who I watched from afar. You made my ability to speak disappear, you made my confidence shatter and I never found the courage to approach you. This will be my biggest regret. You were the girl who was such a beauty but had no clue about how beautiful she was. It was a stupid drunken bet. I thought he came up with the bet to encourage me to finally make a move. Fuck, I am so sorry. I feel like this is all my fault. I feel like there should have been something I could have done to stop this.

  I don’t even know if you will receive this letter.

  I am so fucking sorry Eden.

  I will never forgive myself for this, for as long as I am still breathing.

  Thinking of you,

  Ky Crawford.

  He dropped his eyes, and the letter floated from his fingers and hit the desk. His voice was thick with emotion and hitched over his apology and his face was as pale as a ghost. I knew I was crying, I felt the torrent of tears flooding over my cheeks and the twist of my heart as I took in the words of his letter. The first sob escaped my body as soon as he said Dear Eden.

  My shaking hands skimmed down the front of my coat, lingering over the brass buckles. The urge to comfort Ky engulfed me like a riptide. I needed to comfort him, and I needed him to comfort me. He had been sitting on this for four years, slowly killing himself with regret when there was nothing he needed to be sorry for; four long, devastating and horrendous years.

  I crossed the room until I stood beside his desk. His eyes finally lifted to meet mine, and all I saw was regret and remorse staring back at me. I stepped toward him and before I lost confidence I lifted my leg and straddled his lap.

  “Eden, what are you doing?”

  I lifted my arms and slid them around his neck. His hands fell to my hips and pulled me closer to his body. We locked gazes, a thousand unspoken words fired between us. I didn’t know what I wanted to say to him. I didn’t know what I could say to him, but I knew my actions would have to do. My fingertips ran through his thick hair and his face fell to the crook of my neck where his unsteady breathing hit my bare skin.

  It didn’t take long until his soft lips caressed my neck, sucking, nipping, and licking my sensitive skin. He knew this area was my kryptonite. My head fell to the side, allowing him easier access. My body reacted immediately, and I shifted closer, grinding my heat into his growing erection. A moan fell from his lips, but he didn’t stop the assault on my neck. I needed to feel his skin. My fingers left the softness of his hair and fell to the crisp white shirt covering the body that I admired. I popped each button open, my fingertips sweeping across the muscles of his chest torturously slow.

  “What are we doing?” He asked breathlessly.

  “Please don’t stop me Ky, we need to do this.”

  He didn’t say another word. His hands grasped onto the brass buttons of my coat and within seconds his gasp was heard through the office. His hungry eyes roamed over my black lingerie covered body.

  “You left the house in just this?”

  “Well I didn’t think your brother would stop me on my way here.”

  “You are so damn beautiful.”

  I felt my cheeks darken under his lustful gaze. The smallest of chuckle rose from his chest before I slammed my lips to his. This kiss was full of apology, need, desperation, and connection. My tongue grazed his bottom lip and instantly he opened and let me in. Our tongues swayed in perfect harmony together, combining as one, soothing the lies that had been said, the games that had been played.

  I moaned against his lips as our hands attacked one another. I was desperate to feel connected to him; I needed to know that there was still something that would allow us to overcome this. I gripped onto his pants, undoing the button and fumbling for the zipper. My hand fisted around him tightly. I ran my hand up and down his length, feeling it hardening in my grip. I loved knowing I had the ability to do this to him. He drew in a strong hiss and his head fell to my shoulder. I kept working him, his breath trampled over my increasingly heated skin and as I increased my pace, I knew he was close.

  His hand left my hip and slid down my thigh and I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but let out a small cry. His finger ran along the lace of my panties, teasing and tormenting my throbbing clit. I wanted contact. I wanted to feel him. With one swift movement, my panties were pushed to the side, and he entered me. I moaned loudly, the echo filling the silence in the office. I stilled and adjusted. Finally our gaze met, and I could see hesitation looking back at me. Hesitation I didn’t want to see.

  “I want this,” I admitted. “Please Ky.”

  That was all it took. I saw the reluctance leave his eyes, and immediately it was replaced with determination. It was at the moment that I knew I was about to get all of Ky Crawford.

  His mouth took mine with fierce determination. His tongue tasted every inch of my mouth. Owning me, taking me. His hands grabbed my hips and lifted me, silently begging me to take control and ride him. I didn’t know whether it was the fact that we were in his office, whether it was because he was taking me in front of a window that showed us off to the city of New York or that I hadn’t spoken to him in three days, but this, right here, was the most turned on I had ever been when it came to Ky Crawford. I rode him like my life depended on it, up and down, deeper and harder. My arms linked tightly around his body, my breasts bounced and collided with his naked chest. The friction of my nipples against the warmth of his skin caused my eyes to shut as my body tried to comprehend every emotion flooding my body.

  The intensity, the raw emotion, the closure of a past I never wanted to revisit again hit me all at once. I pulled my mouth from his and buried my face in his neck and immediately I was overcome with his scent. The first tear escaped from my eyes, and I slammed them shut. I would not cry. I balanced precariously on the edge
of ecstasy, lingering between reality and a dream-like state. God it felt out of this world. With a swift movement Ky pushed me back against the desk, my elbows resting on the mahogany top. The cool air hit my naked chest and a shiver ran down my spine. The shift in movement allowed him to thrust deeper, and I knew it would be any moment before I collapsed against his chest in a heap of fireworks and stars.

  His lips fell to my exposed nipple, while his thumb made contact with my throbbing clit. That was all it took. My body switched on, my thighs tightened around his hips and my head fell back as an orgasm ripped through my body. I shuddered against him as pleasure rolled through me, roaring through every inch of my body. I fell against his chest and as the sheath of our sweat combined I felt his release fill me as a roar left his chest.

  I stayed in his arms as our breathing calmed down. I didn’t move. He stayed locked deep within me and made no attempt to slide out. I stayed in his arms for what seemed like forever and what had just happened between us made me forget everything, and that was exactly how I wanted it.

  “Will you come home with me?” I asked softly and her eyes finally found mine.

  After I finally released her from my grasp, I gently cleaned up and then she stood and wrapped her body back in the coat she had worn to my office. I sat back in my chair and watched her so closely, trying to memorize everything about her as fear that this could be one of the last times I saw her flooded me. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake. I had so many things I needed to say to her. All I wanted was to implore her not to give up on me. Whether I deserved it or not was completely up to the shattered girl standing in my office.

  I pushed back from my desk after doing up my pants and crossed the office until I stood behind her. Her eyes immediately flashed to mine in the reflection of the glass. My arms wrapped around her waist pulling her back to my chest and the moment she relaxed into me felt like a moment to cherish. I had nothing to lose so if she wouldn’t listen to my words, my actions would have to speak for themselves.