Be My December

by Rachel Brookes

  “Can I take you home?” I asked, my words muffled against her neck.

  She shifted in my arms and twisted her body to face me, her arms linking behind my neck. Her eyes finally locked with mine, and they swam with indecision. We desperately needed to talk. I just hoped she would give me that chance. I would not stop at begging for her to give me that chance. Her lips were still swollen and glistening from my attack and her hair was ruffled in the perfect way I loved. Standing before me, surrounded by my arms, was the only girl for me, and I would fight until I was blue in the face to make her see that and to make her truly mine forever. Nothing would stop me because I had waited too long for this moment.

  “Say something baby.”

  Her lips creased briefly into a smile at the sound of baby, and she nodded so delicately that I almost missed it.

  “I’m ready to go.” She whispered so gently.

  My hand never left hers as we walked through the near empty office and made our way to the garage. I opened the passenger door and watched as she buckled herself in. I just wanted to get her to my apartment, I wanted to feel comfortable. I wanted her to scream at me, hit me, anything besides silence. I pulled my car out of the garage and hit the steady Friday evening traffic.

  I felt her eyes on me before I found them. She had shifted in the seat so her back was flush with the door and faced me, staring at me so intently. Her perfect blue eyes were clear, focused, determined, like she was reading me, trying to divulge information without asking me. It made me nervous as hell. That was all she did for the entire hour drive back to my apartment.

  Without a single fucking word.

  The moment I shut off the engine, I finally broke.

  “Eden, can you please say something? I can’t do silence. I need to know what you are thinking. Whether you could ever forgive me?”

  “Inside,” was the only word she spoke.

  It was only a matter of time. I knew I had to wait until she was ready to speak. I felt the shift the moment we stepped foot into my apartment. She sat on the couch, still silent, still holding her emotions in. Everything that we had fought for seemed to have been all but forgotten.

  “Do you want something to eat?” I asked as I took a seat beside her.

  “Yep.”

  Fuck me. “Please don’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “Become that girl again.”

  “I’ll always be that girl.”

  I shook my head in frustration and stood from the couch, walking to the kitchen as my anger swirled around me. There was no way in hell that I was letting her become that girl again. Pulling open my fridge, I realized I hadn’t shopped; the past three days had been horrendous without her, but I couldn’t help but think it was a prologue for what I was about to endure.

  “I don’t have any food. Let’s go to the diner.”

  “Sure.”

  That was it.

  “Fucking hell Eden, stop doing that. This isn’t you. Don’t let my fucked-up decision screw up everything you’ve become while you were here.”

  She rose from the couch and stormed into the kitchen and stood chest to chest with me. “You have no right to tell me what to do Ky. You lost that right when you lied to me. Why did you do it? Tell me why the fuck you would keep something like that from me? I trusted you. I gave you every single part of me but still that wasn’t enough to gain your honesty. I don’t know if anything you have said or done is true. All those words you said to me, were they lies too?”

  Finally she broke.

  “Nothing I said to you was a lie. Everything I admitted to you was truth.”

  Her eyes dropped from mine and her face dropped. “I want to know everything Ky. You know my story, now I want to hear yours.”

  This would be it, the moment when I faced my greatest fears. The moment when I relived my darkest days. I had told no one the depths of my grief, my hatred, my disgust in myself. She looked at me so expectantly and I knew I needed to give her this. This would be her closure as much as it would be mine. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the couch. She fell onto the comfortable cushion and pulled her legs to her chest. I sighed nervously and ran my hands through my hair. I needed to search and gather every part of my strength and give her this because if I didn’t there would be no chance that I could ever get her back.

  “I was best friends with Jeremy Davis from high school and through college. He was that guy who everyone at school admired, purely because he came from money and stature. He always got what he wanted, when he wanted it, and I never had that and I didn’t want that. My family was working class, and I had to work my ass off every single day for everything that was in my life. The thing with Jeremy was that he thought he was entitled to everything and everyone. Girls threw themselves at him, and guys wanted to be him. The moment we started college, I saw him change. He wasn’t the biggest guy on campus anymore; there were guys with more money, with more standing, and with a much better reputation and stature then him. He didn’t like that, and it fucked with his head.”

  I took a breath and looked at her. Her eyes were wide, her mouth agape as she took in my words. I threw my head back and demanded a huge breath to fill my lungs. I fell silent.

  “Please keep going.” Her words were so soft, so innocent, yet so demanding.

  I nodded.

  “I remember the first time I saw you. It was across the coffee house that was just off campus. You were like a breath of fresh air amongst the stiffness and predictability of college girls. The first thing I noticed about you was those beautiful eyes. I had never seen anything like them. The blue reminded me of the ocean in summer. They were so wide, so inviting, and so entrancing. I was trapped from that moment. I had no issues with approaching girls, but with you, I was fearful. I couldn’t have handled rejection and from what I had found out when I asked around, I was told that you didn’t date. I couldn’t risk it. I watched you from afar; I knew you loved that coffee house so it became my regular place to study, because I wanted a moment when I could enjoy you.”

  I stopped the moment I heard her gasp. Her knuckles were white from her grip on the pillow she held on to.

  “You asked about me?” she asked meekly.

  “Of course I did. Eden, you were the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. God this makes me sound like a fucking stalker.” I ran my hands through my hair and groaned. This was making me look like a fucking asshole too, but I knew I couldn’t stop. “You were everything that other girls weren’t. I remember the first time I saw you in sweats in the coffee house. You looked so comfortable, so confident, so concentrated while every other girl there was in her way-too-tight jeans, with tit-exposing tops and a face full of makeup. You were refreshing. You were everything I wanted.”

  She stilled as it dawned on her.

  She surprised me when she moved closer to me. I took a chance and pulled her onto my lap. My arm snaked around her waist and pulled her against my chest. We sat in silence as my words sunk in. We weren’t even close to being done, but I just needed this moment because I was afraid that this could be the last chance I get.

  “I need you to keep going.”

  I took a deep breath and my hand grasped her waist tightly, almost as if I was locking her to my body.

  “Jeremy noticed a change in me. My life revolved around studying, I had a dream of what I wanted to become and I didn’t have the luxury of having a family who could pay my way through college. My grades were what kept me there. I made the mistake one day of mentioning you and from that day forward you were on his radar. He started coming to the coffee house. He tried to get me to approach you. Then he started saying fucked-up things about you.”

  She shuddered against my chest at the sound of his name and his actions. I hated that I was bringing this up. I felt like I was putting her through hell, but I knew I couldn’t stop.

  “That night, the end of year party at the frat house, I had been told you were going, and I had decided that I was going
to find you and finally ask you out. I knew what I was going to say to you, and I wasn’t going to let you say no. I thought I had everything ticked off and planned. It was during the lead up to the party that Jeremy started saying shit. He got in my fucking face, and I was getting pissed off. I remember everything like it was yesterday, the look in his eye, the tone in his voice, but I never thought anything else of it. When he came up with the bet to see who could ask you out first, I thought he was doing it to encourage me to finally grow a set of balls. Fuck Eden, I never knew that he could do this. I should have realized he was fucked-up. I should have gotten to you first. I should have realized he had no intention of doing anything for me.”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  “Eden, I saw him taking a girl to the dorms. I asked him what he was doing. I should have stopped him. I should have realized. I should have run over and stopped him. Why did he need to get more drinks? The party was stocked. I should have realized it was you. It’s my fucking fault. I should have stopped him.”

  “Ky, listen to me. What happened wasn’t your fault.”

  “I could have stopped him.”

  “You didn’t know what he was going to do.”

  I dropped my face to her neck and drew her closer to my body. I needed the warmth of her body, the familiarity of her curves, the one thing that had been my savior over this past month. Her arms encased my body, and we connected perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle. We sat in silence, content in being as one while the sun faded in the distance. There were no words needed at that second, but I knew my story wasn’t over. She needed to know how I came to know of her. My admission had the potential to destroy relationships that she cared so deeply about, but I couldn’t hide the truth from her any longer.

  “Can we eat?” She lifted her head from my chest and looked at me with those blue eyes I cherished. I nodded and unlocked my arms from around her and she shifted off my lap and stood from the couch. She was still dressed in just her coat and lingerie. “I’m going to get dressed.”

  She stopped when she got to the hall. Realization hit her. All of her clothes were at Ashlyn’s.

  “I’ll go and get your suitcase.”

  I didn’t give her a chance to respond. The moment I stepped into the solace of the hall my body fell against the closed door, and I gasped for air. My emotions were running amuck, and I felt myself drifting to the darkness that had taken over my life for the past four years. I thought unleashing the truth into the world would help, but so far it was slowly crushing me from the inside out.

  Once my emotions were under control, I pushed off the door and stumbled to the elevator and made my way toward Ashlyn’s apartment. I knocked loudly and moments later the lock clicked and the door swung open. Ashlyn took me in and immediately wrapped her arms around me. My walls of resolve crumbled. My emotions—fear, hatred, and despise—roared to life within me and spilled out of my body. I sobbed in her arms. I fucking sobbed like a baby, but I didn’t give a fuck. I cried for what Eden had lost. I cried for the pain she had been forced to endure because I couldn’t protect her. I cried for the four years of hell she had lived and because I finally got the girl and now I was losing her.

  “Hey, what’s going on?” Ashlyn’s soothing voice fell around me, and she pulled me over to the couch.

  I wiped my face with my hands and looked at her through red rimmed eyes. “What the fuck have I done?”

  “Babe, this is what you wanted. This was your plan all along. You wanted her to shine and now she is shining bright. Look how far she has come. She is smiling, she is laughing, she has opened her heart to the idea of love and being with a man. That was all because of you. I can’t watch you destroy yourself any longer. Nothing that happened four years ago was your fault.” Her voice was laced with frustration.

  “I’m going to tell her everything,” I admitted softly. “I have to.”

  She nodded in agreement although she knew the possible ramifications of this. She had been a key part in my crazy plan, and I was about to admit it all to Eden. I dropped my head into my hands and felt my shoulders sink.

  “She is everything to me Ash and I will do whatever it takes to show her that.” I stated with determination.

  “You need to tell her that. You two are good for each other, perfect even, and I really hope you both know that.”

  “We are going to get some food and finish chatting. I just came to get her suitcase so she can change.”

  “Hang on a second, I’ll go and grab it for you.”

  Ashlyn peeled herself off the couch and disappeared down the hall, only to reappear a couple of seconds later with Eden’s suitcase.

  “Good luck. Show her your heart Ky because your heart is a beautiful thing.”

  ••••

  I pushed open the door of my apartment and stepped into still darkness. My eyes tried to adjust and scope out my surroundings. I quietly wheeled Eden’s suitcase in through the living room toward my room.

  What I found halted my breath.

  Eden lay in the center of my bed, her dark hair feathered out against the white pillow case. My eyes fell to her body; she was dressed in my hoodie that she told me was her favorite and a pair of my sweatpants. Her breathing was steady and her eyes closed as she huddled into my pillow. My heart ached.

  I lowered myself onto the edge of the bed trying not to disturb my sleeping beauty. My eyes ran over her body and then like magnets they were drawn to her hands. A folded up piece of paper sat clutched in her closed palm. The letter. My letter. She was tormenting herself, reliving my words and weak apology.

  I crawled up the bed and rolled to my side, tucking my hand under my cheek and gazing at her. The smallest of frowns plagued her face and with a shaking hand I ran my thumb along the offending crease on her forehead. Her eyes flickered opened and focused on me. Her lips curled and an innocent brief smile greeted me.

  “Do you want to eat?” I whispered into the darkness.

  “I don’t want to go out,” she admitted softly.

  “We can order pizza from downstairs if you like.” She nodded and I started moving until her hand caught my arm. I turned my head and looked back down at her. “What is it?”

  “Can you just stay here for a few minutes?”

  “Of course.”

  I pulled my wallet and phone out of my pocket then dropped them on the side table and scooted up the bed to lay down beside her. She was now on her side, mimicking my body. I could tell she had been crying, and I knew she could see it my gaze. We remained silent; the only sound in my room was our ragged breathing. She raised her hand and cupped my cheek; my eyes slammed shut under her soft touch. She removed her hand after a few seconds and with one finger, she ran it softly, delicately over my lips, before tracing my jawline while her eyes completely devoured my face. I didn’t want to but I couldn’t help but think she was memorizing my face.

  “I didn’t do this for me,” I whispered hoarsely.

  “Why did you do it?”

  “Because something had been taken from you. It was ripped from you, and you needed this. You needed to know you could live a normal life, a life where you could touch and be touched, where you could say no, where you could let someone in and learn to love. I needed to give you that because I felt like I was the one who ripped it away from you. When my letter was returned, I spiraled out of control. The blame was strangling me, and when I gave the police my statement, I made sure I told them everything and anything I could remember. He needed to burn for what he did and Douglas who is my father’s best friend made sure he did.”

  She moved closer, and I rolled to my back to give her space. The last thing I wanted to do was push her. The moment I did, she shifted closer and laid her head on my chest, just above my heart like she always did. My arms circled her waist and pulled her taunt with my body.

  “When my letter was returned I thought that was it. I thought I’d lost all chance of getting to you. I didn’t know what I’d do when I got to
you, but I knew I just wanted to make sure you were safe. From the moment I found out about what had happened, it became my obsession. You became my obsession.”

  This wasn’t going how I’d planned it.

  “And then everything just happened. I met Ashlyn through Josh, and we instantly clicked. She knew who I was because of talk around campus after I made a statement to the police. It was about a year after that when I asked Ashlyn to check in on you and you two had a mutual friend on Facebook or something like that. Next thing I know I am talking to Tori on the phone to make sure you were okay.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I felt responsible. I felt like I needed to make sure the girl who I was meant to take home that night, who I was meant to take for hot chocolate and have the perfect date with was okay. If I hadn’t agreed to that stupid bet none of this would have happened. Maybe you would have said yes, maybe you would have said no and that would have been okay, but we will never know.”

  “I would have said yes.”

  “Please don’t say that.”

  “What about the job? Was that all part of this?” She whispered into the darkness.

  “Partially yes and partially no. I knew you were a photographer but I hadn’t seen any of your work. One day a package arrived on my desk with some photos of potential photographers for the shoot you just did but there wasn’t any names on the photos. I picked yours out from the bunch and that’s when I was informed that the work belonged to one Eden Rivers. The moment I realized I felt something set off inside of me. I wanted you here and I did everything in my power to get you here. Seeing you at Delights that night was completely random and then hearing you call yourself Kellie and being told the reasons why by Tori. Eden that fucking destroyed me and it was then that I came up with the crazy need to give you everything back. To give you everything you deserve and so much more.”