eyond Desire Collection

by JS Scott, M Malone, Marie Hall, et al

  “Why?” My throat hurts so bad, wants to burst wide open. All the years of holding it in… it’s tearing me apart.

  “Because you’re stronger than this. Than him. You’re better.”

  “No. No, I’m not. And I’m tired.” Saying it makes me feel it. It crashes into me. Suddenly all the fire’s gone, my shoulders slump, my knees go out, and I land on my ass, hanging my head in my hands. “So damn tired.”

  Alex is by my side in a second, wrapping his arm under mine and helping me to stand back up. I want to cry, want to curl into a ball and die. I just can’t live with this shit anymore.

  I don’t protest when he gathers my things, then helps me to the car.

  “Get in,” he orders.

  I don’t argue.

  “You’ve got to tell her, man. She’s worried. She called me,” he says the moment he sits.

  “Tell her what?”

  “The truth, for starters.”

  “No.”

  “If she doesn’t already know, she will soon, and what will you do then?”

  I can’t taint her with my truths. Don’t want to ever lay that on her. Lili’s watching her mom die, living with a son who never tells her he loves her. Last thing she needs is me adding my shit to that.

  “She can’t, dude. I can’t.”

  “So then what’s going to happen between you two? You think she’s just going to marry you, that your freak-outs aren’t going to happen again? That at some point she’s not going to realize she can’t deal with the lies, the secrets? I told you I had a breaking point, Ryan.”

  Bristling, I snarl, “She’s with me, Alex, and I say no.”

  “Why?” Alex pounds his fist on the wheel. “Why won’t you tell her? You can’t do this to her, man. If you love her, then…”

  “It’s because I love her!” I yell, spit flying out my mouth. “Because she’s the last good thing I’ve got left in my life, because if she knows she’ll hate me and she’ll leave, Alex, and I’ll have nothing. Nothing. I can’t do this to her.”

  Silence descends like a heavy fog as trees zoom by my periphery. Finally he says, “Then leave her.”

  The thought of doing that has ice spreading through my gut. I ball my fists, pressing them tight to my stomach to ease the fiery rush. I’ve barely been hanging on by a thread. In fact, the thread had snapped the night I met Lili.

  She’d saved me.

  She held me and let me hold her.

  She touched things in my heart, dirty things, and made me feel less ugly. But I also know that after a while, a person gets tired of saving. After a while the look of understanding turns to one of disgust and scorn. They’d only save you so long before they knew they no longer could.

  I never want her to reach that point. I need my Lili… I can handle this. I know I can. Today was just a surprise.

  I hadn’t expected to see my dad, and he’d said what he’d said out of spite and hate and malice. I was the one letting him steal my joy.

  Lili’s that joy and I’ll be damned if I let her walk away.

  So long as she’ll have me—this hollow shell—I’m hers. And I’m not going any damn where.

  “That’s not an option.” I shake my head.

  Alex sighs as he turns onto our street. Parking the car in front of our house, he sits there for a while before finally saying, “Then you’re a selfish bastard.”

  Getting out, he slams the door behind him.

  It rings like gunshot in my ears.

  “I know.”

  Chapter Twenty Two

  Liliana

  He returns later that night, weariness etched into his every bone. I hold out my arms and welcome him back, grateful to God he’s returned.

  He smells clean, like he’s showered.

  Ryan hasn’t said a word, just looks at me like he’s drowning and needs me to save him.

  It’s past midnight, the house is quiet, and everyone’s sleeping. Leading him to my room, I close and lock the door, then slowly, methodically undress him—kissing his chest, his heart, his throat, his jaw, his lips, until he’s panting, sweating beneath me and moaning my name.

  Because it’s the only thing I know to do, the only way to show him how much I love him. And when it’s over, I hold him, running my fingers through his hair.

  The moment I think he’s started to fall asleep, he wakes up and searches my body. Strums his fingers across my belly, down my legs, fluttering them like wings around my nipples, and I let him.

  And though I ache in so many places, I don’t complain, because I know what we’re doing… it’s bringing him back.

  “I love you, Ryan.” I kiss his sweat-slickened forehead.

  It’s past four now.

  Moaning, he turns and nuzzles my neck and finally, finally I feel him shudder with true sleep.

  Staring at the ceiling, trying to count each piece of popcorn, I try to remember what I’d said, what I’d done.

  If I’d done enough.

  Could I have done more?

  Continuing to play with his curls, I pray hard.

  Pray and ask God to let me keep him. Show me how to love him right. I know he’s broken, but I still want him.

  I know Ryan will never hurt me, know that in my heart, I’m not scared of him. But I am scared for him.

  Scared of what he’ll do to himself.

  He starts to moan—quietly at first, then not so quiet. Loud rumbling sounds, haunting noises, and I shake him.

  “Baby, wake up. You’re having a bad dream.”

  I pat him harder.

  “Wake up, Ryan. You’re asleep.”

  Doing a weird sort of snoring sob, he wraps his arm tighter around my waist and settles back down.

  The next morning, I feel like crap and he looks worse.

  Walking to the cupboard, I reach in and pull out two mugs. I know how much he loves his chamomile tea and think maybe a cup might help. Setting a kettle to boil, I walk back to him and sit in his lap.

  “Tea’ll be ready soon.” I kiss the tip of his nose.

  Nodding, he strokes the outside of my thigh. “Lili.” His voice, still sleep roughened, makes me nod.

  “Yeah?”

  “Did you mean what you said yesterday in the store?”

  “Which part?”

  “All of it. What you said to my dad, to me, did you mean it?”

  Taking his face in my hands, I rub noses with him. “As God is my witness.”

  His fingers bunch tight in my shirt and a ragged breath feathers across my lips a second before he kisses me.

  Two years ago I took a literature class. At the time I didn’t think anything of the course, didn’t think that in the future I’d remember and realize how wrong and idealistic I’d been.

  The topic had been Shakespearean tragedy.

  How Romeo and Juliet were doomed to fail—from the moment they set eyes on one another, forces outside their control conspired like a snowball rolling down a hill, gathering speed and momentum, growing bigger and bigger until it was so big it consumed them, their love, and their lives.

  I’d thought it all so terribly romantic. To love someone that much, that even if they knew they’d never escape in the end, they’d still choose to walk that path all over again.

  But sitting here right now, it isn’t romantic.

  It isn’t pretty.

  It’s awful, an ache that spreads both hot and cold and makes me want to cry. I love him so much and I’m losing him.

  I know I am.

  ***

  Ryan

  By some miracle I found Jell-O molds in the shape of Spider-Man. Already imagining Javi’s surprise, I wiggle the blue chunks out, ripping a few heads off in the process.

  Lili’s house smells amazing.

  Mama’s having a rare good day. Adelida pulled her hair back, and she’s sitting in front of the TV, talking low to Javi who’s staring at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade with single-minded diligence.

  “Nice apron.” Alex snort
s, eyeing the frilly green and white atrocity Lili forced me to put on this morning, claiming it would help me not to stain my khaki pants and blue collared shirt.

  He leans over my shoulder, staring at the molds with a tight grimace. “Looks disgusting.”

  “You here to do anything other than screw with me?” I growl, wiggling the bowl under his nose before setting it into the fridge.

  “Nah.” Lili hugs my waist, staring at Alex. “He’s just jealous because he knows he can’t look as sexy as you in one of these.” She tugs at the apron.

  Adelida rolls her eyes. “Dios mío, I don’t want to hear this,” she mutters, puttering around the kitchen, slapping lids back onto boiling pots of water and stews before waddling off into the living room to check on Mama and Javi again.

  I chuckle. “Look at that, you made Ade all shy.”

  “No, she did not!” Ade snaps from the back.

  Alex goes to the kitchen table. Drawing out a chair, he’s squatting, ready to sit.

  “Might not want to—” The words are on the tip of my tongue—“Don’t sit on that seat, you’ll fall on your ass.” A lesson I’d learned the hard way. But my warning isn’t quick enough.

  One second he’s looking at me all confused, the next his head disappears and he’s sprawled out on the floor.

  “Sheyet,” he moans, rubbing his ass and then covering his mouth with a fist, looking into the living room where two sets of eyes pin him with hard glares. “I mean… umm… my bad.” His face turns red.

  Liliana laughs, and the sound reminds me of a tinkling bell. “That’s what you get, making fun of my baby.”

  She pats my chest and I’m not going to lie, my chest puffs out like a fucking peacock’s tail.

  Snarling, Alex yanks out the other chair and sits. “Could have warned me. Made me swear in front of the boy, dude. Not cool.”

  “Hey.” I grab a blue kitchen towel and dry my hands off. “I tried to warn you. Might want to take the wax out of your ears next time.”

  “Har har har.” Alex takes a swig of his beer. “Can I help?”

  Liliana turns.

  The tamales are out and steaming on the counter, the ropa vieja fills the entire house with its stewed tomatoes and beef brine aroma, making my stomach growl appreciatively.

  “Not really,” she says. “Pretty much all done.”

  Tossing the towel on the counter, I lean back and pull Lili into my side. She looks killer today, wearing a dark gray dress that drapes loosely around her knees and cinches at the waist. Her hair’s pulled up into some sort of twist and she’s even wearing a little bit of makeup around her eyes.

  Not that she needs the stuff, she’s already hot without it, but the black eye shadow makes her green eyes snap electric.

  I can’t wait to take the dress off her tonight.

  “Yeah, no surprise you offer to help after it’s all done.” I smirk and he shrugs. “It’s what he always does at home too.”

  “Hey, I’m no cook. Trust me.” Alex gulps another mouthful of beer. “You don’t want what I’d make. Boiled hot dog if you’re lucky, or scrambled eggs with probably a lot of shell in them, for flavor of course, and a slice of burnt toast if you’re really lucky.”

  “Remind me never to go over when he cooks.” Lili looks up at me.

  Her cold fingers idly toy with the hair on my arm.

  “Well.” Ade comes back into the kitchen, taking off her apron. “Help me set the table, niños y niña.”

  Lili unties my apron, then leans up and kisses my neck before turning and grabbing the plates.

  They’re out of the kitchen, in the dining room, setting our spots. I grab the spoons and forks.

  “Hey, man,” Alex comes up to me, speaking low, “you tell her yet?”

  I can’t believe he’s bringing this shit up here, now. “No.”

  Grabbing the enormous silver pot full of banana-wrapped tamales, I head to the big table.

  Liliana had been up early this morning, her and Javi. Javi hadn’t really been much help, just reading his comics, but Liliana had seemed possessed to make this Thanksgiving perfect.

  She’d cut out tons of paper snowflakes, stringing them through with little white lights and hanging them all around the room. Even going so far as going outside to snip a few pitiful-looking blooms from the neighbor’s house, placing the yellow flowers in small glass vases around the table. It actually looks nice. Nothing fancy, but I like that.

  Ade also helped decorate. She’d gotten more colorful items. A bright pink-and-teal tablecloth, some yellow and red fiesta plates.

  Doesn’t look like any Thanksgiving I’ve been to before, but it’s nice. Homey.

  Lili won’t admit it, but I know what she’s doing. She’s building a memory, making her mother’s Thanksgiving perfect.

  My heart clenches whenever I think about their situation. What will this family do without her? She might not walk, but Mama’s presence lingers heavy in every single crack, crevice, and corner of this home.

  I set the pile of tamales down. “Here good?”

  Ade waves me off. “Go get more food. Hurry, Tina’s getting tired and I want to get some good food into her before she goes back to bed.”

  Tossing me a grateful smile, Lili lights several sets of votive candles.

  Jogging back to the kitchen, I look for a pair of oven mitts to set the pot of old clothes on top of.

  “So that’s it then?” Alex hasn’t moved from where I’d left him. “That’s all you have to say? You’re really not going to tell her?”

  “Fuck me,” I hiss under my breath, glancing up to make sure no one heard who shouldn’t. “What the hell is your problem? Are you trying to ruin today?”

  “Me? No.” He crosses his ankles, his expression closed and angry. “Why would I do that? Why would I ask you to treat someone I care about with an ounce of respect?”

  “You’re worse than a chick. Let it go. I was having a good day, so is Lili. Or doesn’t that matter?”

  Scrubbing a fist down his disbelieving face, Alex gives me a look that makes my blood run cold.

  Lowering my chin, I whisper, “Too fucking far, Alex, you hear me? Stop. Now.”

  Steel-gray eyes narrow into thin slits. “Just because you think ignoring it solves everything, I’m telling you, you walk a slippery slope.”

  Knuckles popping, the air between us grows thick as water.

  I spot Lili from the corner of my eye. Tamping it all down, refusing to let Alex do this to me, I turn and smile.

  She’s studying me and the fine hairs on the back of my neck rise.

  “Everything okay?” she asks.

  “Fine.” Grabbing a red pair of mitts, I heft the pot and, not sparing a glance for Alex, kiss her cheek. “Just fine.”

  I don’t stop to look back and see if she’s looking at me or even if she’s talking to Alex. Because I can’t. I won’t allow my drama to spoil a moment she’s worked so hard for. Today is about her and her mother, not me. Not right now.

  A few minutes later the table is set, no thanks to Alex’s lazy ass. The only thing he’d set was a small toothpick holder.

  Ade wheels Mama to the table; her lashes flutter a wordless thank-you. “Tanto?”

  Lili sits next to her and pats her arm. “I know it’s a lot, but it’s all your favorites, Mama. Rice and beans, and… and…” Her voice cracks.

  This is clearly harder on her than she thought it would be. Hoping to lighten the mood, I butt in.

  “Old clothes,” I supply.

  Mama’s smile is brief, but there. “You know, now you mention it, that is a terrible name for food.”

  Tossing me a grateful nod, Lili grips my thigh and squeezes. I play with her fingers underneath the table, holding on until she stops shaking.

  “Mmm.” Alex sniffs appreciatively; he’s sitting across from me and next to Javi, who’s staring down at his empty yellow plate with his face resting on his fists. “It all looks good, Mommy.”

  “It
’s Mama, you nerd.” Lili giggles and it’s like everyone in the room takes a deep breath and settles down.

  Alex just grins, and I’m a little less irritated by him.

  Ade gestures for my plate. “Since you helped make the masa, you get the first tamale.”

  Flexing my fingers, I pass her my plate. “You didn’t tell me it was going to be such back-breaking work. I thought I was never going to get to stop grinding corn.”

  Eye’s twinkling, Ade shrugs a plump shoulder.

  Even Adelida’s in a festive mood today. She’s worn a silky green dress, and her customary flyaway curls are tucked and gathered back into a neat bun.

  “Come now, you’re a big strong boy.” She eyes my arms, forcing me to flex them in response. Tittering like a young girl, she presses her fingers to her lips. “Oh, you terrible flirt.” Her dusky cheeks burn red.

  Mama laughs.

  Unwrapping the steaming tamale, I tap the yellowish-orange congealed masa with the tip of my fork. Lili’s flowery perfume tickles my nose as she leans in to whisper to me.

  “It’s good, try it.”

  “Looks different.”

  Lifting a perfectly sculpted brow, she drags her fork through the tip of it and brings it to my lips. “Try it.”

  The fork traces the seam of my lips and my pulse thrums.

  “Try it,” she singsongs.

  I lick my lips, thinking what we’re doing in front of the others might be more than PG rated. But the thought doesn’t last long.

  She looks so beautiful today. I don’t want this food. I want Lili, want to drag her back to the room like a caveman and feast on her all day.

  A loudly clearing throat reminds me where I am.

  “Holy he—”

  Ade sniffs in Alex’s direction, quelling his swearing.

  He coughs and bangs a fist on his chest. “Heck,” he finishes. “Can you just take the bite, please? There’s a child present.”

  Mama laughs and Lili’s dark green eyes twinkle.

  Opening my mouth, I let her feed me.

  The first thing I taste is the slightly bitter hint of oil she’d called achiote, followed by the creamy texture of finely ground corn. “Not bad.”

  She shoulder bumps me. “Told you.”

  After that, there’s no more sharing of food. Not that I would have minded, though it’s probably safer we don’t. Too much longer and I’ll forget things like manners and just take her.