Cowboys Under The Mistletoe: Five Christmas Christian Romance Novellas

by Kristen Ethridge

  With a final, “Good night,” Ernie retired to her room, leaving him alone with Mallory once again. The space between them felt awkward, mostly because there was so much he wanted to tell her, to explain to her that he’d been there and he knew how hard it was, but the boy he once was wouldn’t have been open to hearing it.

  He should also go to bed, but it didn’t feel right leaving Mallory alone. She seemed so fragile, and while she was probably used to being alone, he knew that the only way to heal was by being with others who cared about you.

  “I’m going to make myself some herbal tea,” he said, standing. “Would you like some?”

  “I like tea,” Mallory said, sounding more like herself. “I didn’t realize that men drank tea as well.”

  Nolan chuckled. “I suppose it’s not the most manly of things, but it’s a habit I got into when I came here. It helps me relax so I can sleep better.”

  She gave him a strange look. “Does it really help? My assistant used to say that chamomile was good to help a person sleep, but it never worked for me. What kind do you drink?”

  “It’s a mixture. But the primary ingredient is Valerian. I didn’t want to take medication for sleep, so my therapist recommended this blend. We have other herbal teas if you’d like to drink something else.”

  Mallory stared at him. “You see a therapist?”

  Odd how that had slipped out. He’d never told anyone about Susan, other than Ernie, and only because Ernie had been the one to pay for his therapy in the early years.

  “Not so much anymore, but when things happened with my parents, Susan was very helpful in giving me tools to get through it.”

  It was hard to know what to say in this situation. Too much would scare Mallory, but he didn’t want to say too little, not if it could help her. And yet, he never spoke about any of this.

  “I’ve seen a couple,” Mallory said. “But mostly, they gave me pills that made me feel not like myself. It’s good that your therapist respected your wishes to not take medicine.”

  He turned on the hot water boiler that Ernie had bought him for Christmas a few years ago. Mallory seemed like she wanted to talk about therapy, like she was open to hearing about his experiences.

  Please Lord, give me the right words.

  “Some therapists are like that. When I first came to stay with Bert and Ernie, the court made me see one. I didn’t like him. But then I met Susan, and she was different. I suppose, therapists are like every other kind of person you interact with. Some are a match, and others aren’t. You might consider trying someone different.”

  The expression on her face told Nolan he’d said the wrong thing.

  “Do you think I need therapy?”

  He’d already told Ernie that, but it seemed insensitive to say so. Instead, he said, “The question is, do you think you need therapy? It’s easy living your life based on what other people want you to do or think is best for you. But sometimes, we have to trust what we feel deep inside ourselves.”

  The kettle made its beeping noise to indicate it was ready. Nolan poured the water into the cups. “There’s a selection of teas over there on the shelf. The second shelf is all herbal. Choose what you like.”

  “I’ll have what you’re having,” she said.

  He reached past her to get the tea. The kitten was still curled in Mallory’s arms, but her face was no longer full of the peace the animal seemed to bring.

  As he prepared the tea, he could sense that she was doing her best to find the courage to ask him a question. It was odd how well he seemed to know her, but in some ways, he saw so much of himself in her, that it was hard not to.

  “What if you don’t know if you can trust what you feel?” she said, sounding once again like a little girl.

  He handed her the tea. “Feelings are tricky creatures, that’s for sure. Maybe what I should have said was that we all have instincts about ourselves, a compass that tells us what is right and wrong. Some things, like not killing people, are obvious and true for everyone. But other things, like what we should do with our lives, depend on us as individuals. There are things you know about yourself, and maybe you don’t want to admit to them, or aren’t sure you can trust them. But I think that you are one of the wisest, bravest women I know, and I believe that you can do it.”

  Tears filled her eyes, and he half expected her to turn away. But she squared her shoulders and lifted her chin, then nodded. “I keep thinking I should run away, and I want to. But something inside me tells me that I need to stay, even if it scares me to death.”

  “I promise you, facing whatever you have to face, it won’t kill you. You’re not going to die, and Ernie and I will be here with you, every step of the way.”

  Mallory nodded and took a sip of her tea. “I don’t understand why. I suppose Ernie feels an obligation to my mother, but how can you make these promises to me?”

  Though he could’ve easily answered by telling her that he saw so much of himself in her, he knew there was something more. A specialness to Mallory and a connection he didn’t understand. And to someone as honest as her, he couldn’t take the easy way out.

  “A lot of reasons. Partially because I’ve been there, and I know how hard it is. But also...” He hesitated, still unsure how to express something even he didn’t understand. “We have a connection, and I can’t explain it. I just know that I tell you things I’ve never told anyone before. And you seem to do the same with me. In some ways, I’m just as scared as you are. But I’ve faced my fear and lived to tell about it enough times to know that, in the end, we will both be better people for having done so.”

  He gestured back at the living room. “Why don’t we go sit? We don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to.”

  “Okay.”

  They went back into the other room, and Mallory sat in the spot she’d occupied almost all night. He noted how carefully she adjusted the kitten as she made herself comfortable once again. It wasn’t until everything seemed carefully arranged that she turned to him.

  “I don’t want to talk about it, but we seem to keep coming back to it.” A thoughtful look filled her face. “I always thought that I was bad at relating to other people. Most people think I’m a weirdo, even when I try to act like I think I’m supposed to. But you accept me the way I am, and even though you challenge me, it’s not to make me more like who you want me to be. You want me to be me.”

  The confusion in her voice was obvious, and to this, Nolan had no answer. He couldn’t relate to what Mallory was saying, or understand why anyone would want her to be different. He scooted closer to her, until their legs were touching and he could feel her warmth.

  “That’s because there’s nothing wrong with you.”

  Tears filled her eyes. This time though, she didn’t seem to fight it, and a lone tear trickled down her cheek. “But I haven’t acted the way you’ve expected me to. I disappoint Ernie, and you said horrible things about me to Donna.”

  Would there ever come a time when Nolan didn’t bitterly regret his words? “I wish I could take back what I said. I was wrong. You don’t disappoint Ernie. Nothing you do would disappoint her. That’s how she is. And yes, your visit has been nothing like what we expected. But I think it’s exactly what we all needed.”

  He took her hand and squeezed it. “You’re a wonderful person. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. You might feel lost right now, but I know you’ll find your way.”

  Mallory leaned against him, probably the first sign of physical affection he’d seen her initiate. It felt good to be so deeply trusted, but more than that, it felt good to have her in his arms. Like they were both exactly where they belonged.

  Ernie had warned him that whatever was developing between them was not necessarily the real thing. But Nolan had never felt this way about anyone before. He’d always found it easy to defend the Grant girls against Donna’s worries that they’d never marry because he knew how rare that special feeling was. He hadn’
t yet found it. Until now.

  Nolan looked down at Mallory, wondering if she felt the same thing. Or if these feelings were just part of the growth happening inside her and she’d quickly grow out of them?

  She smiled at him, a look of happiness and satisfaction that he hadn’t seen on her face before, but he wished with all his heart to see it more often.

  The look in her eyes made him want to kiss her. More than he’d ever wanted to kiss anyone before. He could hear Ernie’s voice, telling him it was too soon, but her eyelids fluttered, and he could swear she wanted him to kiss her just as badly.

  When he bent his head closer to her, she leaned up, meeting him halfway. No one had ever kissed him like that. She held nothing back, nor did he. Her touch was electric, sending ripples of pure joy through his entire body, molding him to her. He wanted more, and as instantly as he had that thought, he pulled away.

  This might have been the best kiss he’d ever had, but as he saw the light in Mallory’s eyes, Nolan felt guilty. He might be ready, but something this intense might too much for Mallory, who didn’t know what she wanted. She was still healing from a long-buried wound, and he couldn’t get in the way.

  “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to take advantage. I’m supposed to be taking care of you, not…”

  Mallory’s long sigh told him that he didn’t need to finish his sentence. “I kissed you too, and I don’t regret it. Please don’t apologize. I’ve never felt this way before, and I liked it.”

  Then the analytical look he knew so well returned to her face. “I could never understand why people did stupid things because they loved someone. But if this is how they felt…”

  Biting her lip, Mallory shook her head. “But this isn’t love, is it? We were just two people, acting on passion, or something like that. I don’t know. This has never happened to me before.”

  She looked at him like he was supposed to know the answer. But he didn’t. “It’s never happened to me before, either,” he said.

  The emotions crossing her face were unreadable. Perhaps it was for the best. He could barely understand what was happening between them, let alone try to explain it to her. Nolan bent and kissed her on the forehead.

  “I don’t know enough about love to tell you what this is. But I do know that love is why I stopped. I care too much about you to ruin any chance we might have at being together by jumping into something too soon. You aren’t ready for a romantic relationship, not when you have so much healing to do.”

  She looked at him sadly, but then nodded. “You respect me.”

  “I wouldn’t be here otherwise,” he said.

  Mallory took his hands, brought them to her lips and kissed his knuckles. “I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who respected me. They might have respected my smarts, but not me as a person.”

  Her words saddened him, but as he thought about the women he’d dated, Nolan would have to say the same thing. They thought he was a sexy cowboy, but he’d never gotten the impression that they saw anything else to him. None of them had made him feel safe enough to share anything about his past with them. No wonder he hadn’t been willing to build a life with any of them.

  “I understand completely,” he said. “So let’s take this slowly. You have a lot of healing to do. I’m here for you, however you need me. But let’s hold off on the romance part until you’re sure that’s what you want. Because what I want from the woman I give my heart to is everything, and I know you can’t give that to me right now.”

  She started to pull her hands away, but Nolan held them tight. “You know I’m not rejecting you, right?”

  “I’m scared. What if my everything is not enough?”

  Nolan couldn’t help leaning forward to give her the briefest of kisses. “Any man who does not think that you’re enough is not the right man for you.”

  Though she smiled, doubt filled her eyes. He wanted to kiss her again, but he knew that was probably not the right answer. Her kisses were addictive, and he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop another time.

  “I mean that,” he said. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

  Before Mallory could answer, Nolan’s cell phone rang. At nearly midnight, it had to be an emergency. He glanced at the caller ID.

  “Meredith. What’s wrong?”

  She quickly explained that she’d heard the storm was moving in, and decided to come home tonight. However, she’d gotten ten miles from the ranch, and found herself stuck in a snow bank.

  “I’ll be right there,” he said, getting up and heading for the mudroom to get his snow boots and jacket.

  Chapter Seven

  It seemed wrong to have such a perfect moment so rudely interrupted. Why had he even answered his phone? They’d gone from cuddling on the couch to Nolan pulling on his boots. Though part of Mallory knew it was nothing personal, and probably an important emergency, she couldn’t help but feel like she was somehow being rejected. Maybe not personally by him, but it was as if the universe didn’t want her to be happy.

  “What’s going on?” she asked, trying not to sound too disappointed.

  “Meredith got caught in the snow trying to beat the storm. She’s stuck, and I need to help her out.”

  The Grant girl she was supposedly like. An irrational feeling of jealousy welled up inside her. Why had Meredith called Nolan? Didn’t she have someone else she could call? Like her parents? What if Nolan really liked Meredith, but thought he couldn’t have her, so was settling for Mallory instead? And why was she asking herself all these ridiculous questions?

  “Oh,” Mallory said instead.

  Nolan bent and kissed her on top of her head. “I know, terrible timing. But I promise, we’ll finish the conversation later. Like I said, I’m here for you.”

  She felt the chill as he opened the door. Snow swirled against the porch light, and even from her position on the couch, she could tell that the snow was much deeper than she’d thought.

  When the door closed behind Nolan, she felt a stirring deep inside her that she hadn’t felt in years. Not since the day her parents died. That day, she’d been in the library, studying. Finals were coming up, and though she had a handle on the material, she’d wanted more review.

  She’d called her mother to let her know, and her mother had sounded strange.

  “Should I come home?” Mallory had asked, already starting to pack up her books.

  “No. You need to study, and your father’s upset. Give me time to help him calm down. This will all be over soon. You’ll have your degree, and everything will be all right. I’ll see you later. I love you, my little lamb.”

  Even now, as she remembered that final conversation, she still felt the tension in her mother’s voice, and the strong desire to go home anyway. But Mallory loved her, and would never disobey her. Even though everything in Mallory had told her to go home.

  But Mallory had obeyed her mother, and not that thing inside her, the thing Nolan had been describing to her. And every time she thought about that day, she wondered if her mother would still be alive if Mallory had only obeyed that voice.

  As Mallory looked out the window to see Nolan scraping the snow off his truck, she felt that voice inside her again. Telling her not to let Nolan leave.

  Mallory felt sick. If she told him to stay, would he think she was just being jealous? Was that voice just jealousy? Would he listen to her? And if he did listen to her, what would happen to Meredith?

  But what if the voice was right?

  Could she live with herself, knowing that someone else had died because she hadn’t obeyed that sense with in her, telling her what to do?

  She set the kitten down on the couch, careful to wrap it in the blanket, then went to the door. Hopefully, Ernie’s boots would fit. She grabbed one of the coats and put it on. Both the boots and the coat were a bit big, but they’d do.

  When she opened the door, Nolan looked up at her.

  “What are you doing?”


  “I know I’m going to sound crazy, but you told me I have to listen to that voice inside me. That voice is telling me you can’t go. Please don’t go, Nolan. Something is wrong, and I don’t know what it is. I didn’t listen when I had that feeling about my parents, and now they’re dead. You want to know why I close myself off? It’s because I’m scared that someone else is going to die because I didn’t listen.”

  By the time Nolan had come around his truck to put his arms around her, she was shaking. Not from the cold, but because of everything it had taken to say those words. He held her tight against him.

  “It’s not your fault your parents died,” he said, giving her a squeeze. “You don’t know that you could have prevented the tragedy. Who knows, if you’d come home, you might be dead too.”

  That’s what the counselor had said when Mallory had told her that she regretted not coming home earlier. However, she hadn’t told the counselor about the feeling she had. She hadn’t wanted to sound crazy. But here she was, confessing everything to Nolan, and he was saying the same thing.

  “But how can you know?” She looked up at him, hoping he was right, but not a sure what to believe. He wanted her to trust herself, but here she was, trusting herself, and he was telling her she was wrong.

  “Because you didn’t pull that trigger. The only person in control of that situation was your father, and he chose death. You’re putting a heavy burden on your shoulders, too heavy, and it’s not yours to carry.”

  He looked thoughtful for a moment, then he released her from his arms. He shifted his weight, looking nervous, and she wanted to reach out to comfort him. Odd, since that wasn’t her usual instinct.

  “When I was a kid, I used to think that if I just could be better, do what my father told me to do, acted the way he thought a son should, then he wouldn’t have a reason to hit my mother. But no matter what I did, it wasn’t enough. I tried so hard to protect my mother, and I considered it a personal failing that I couldn’t. It wasn’t until I spent time in counseling that I realized that the problem wasn’t me. It was my father, and the way he used his fists to solve his problems.”