Her Not-So-Secret Diary

by Anne Oliver

  No strings. Wasn’t that the exact kind of relationship he wanted? Damn it. ‘Is that what you think this is about, Sophie?’

  ‘Jared.’ Her fists tightened on the garment she held and now her eyes found his. Locked on his and pleaded with him. ‘Let’s just enjoy our last few days?’ Her appeal was like a tangible presence in the room with them. ‘Please?’

  ‘Okay,’ he said finally, the remnants of his vision of a future he’d never imagined fluttering like petals on the periphery of his consciousness. Hitching the baby bag onto his shoulder, he picked up the carry basket with its now cooing passenger. What choice did he have with an infant in his care for the next few hours? ‘Go and enjoy your evening. I’ll be back at eleven.’

  As he turned to pull the door shut he saw her shoulders slump and her eyes held a puzzle he wished to hell he understood.

  Twenty-three minutes past two. He should be doing what Sophie had asked and making the most of the rest of the night with her. Instead, he wandered the night-darkened esplanade, the eternal thump-boom of the surf in his ears, his thoughts going around in circles and coming back to what Sophie had said when he’d left earlier.

  Ten days. Why let her obvious hang-ups with kids come between them and a good time? Live and love to the max, enjoy what they had while they had it. Wasn’t that all that mattered in their ‘short-term relationship’? That was obviously what mattered to Sophie.

  And it was exactly what he’d told himself he wanted. She wasn’t looking for more either. So it was just about perfect, right?

  Right. He turned back, following the sandy path back to his car. He ignored the hollow feeling in his gut as he slid onto the leather seat.

  But he didn’t switch the ignition on. Instead, he slammed his fists on the steering wheel. No. Not right. Nothing about this was right. Just good times?

  The hell it was.

  He stared through the windscreen but he wasn’t looking at the ocean view. He was seeing Sophie leaning over the baby. Moreover, he wasn’t seeing himself as only his sisters’ guardian, he was seeing himself as a father in the truest sense of the word.

  He shook his head. Wrong decade. Sophie wasn’t the woman for him long term, she was all about adventure and discovering new places. As was her right, he told himself, and after what she’d been through, she deserved it. Who was he to interfere with her dreams and plans? Nor was this trip she was embarking on the end of the world. A few months. A year tops and she’d be back. He could almost guarantee it.

  Over the week Sophie had brought sunshine and summer and sparkle to what he was only now realising had become an exceedingly dull existence.

  He’d made love to her in the sea and watched the sense of humour spark in her eyes, made love to her in the centre of a macadamia plantation and watched the green reflected in the amber. He’d laughed more. Because he’d found more to laugh about with Sophie to share it with.

  And every now and then he’d remember she was leaving and a shadow would steal over the sun.

  He forked frustrated fingers through his hair. For the second time in his life he’d fallen for a woman. And this time he’d fallen hard. And these feelings he had were nothing like those he’d had for Bianca.

  These feelings ran deep. So deep they touched his soul and he didn’t know if he’d ever be free of them. And powerful enough to rock his world to its very foundation. It was nothing like he’d ever experienced—dangerously so.

  Despite his deepening feelings, he wasn’t prepared to compromise what he believed in or how he wanted to live his life for someone else’s whims and fancies and ideals. Bianca hadn’t fitted into the world he’d created for himself and his sisters, so Bianca was history. Simple.

  With her outlook on life so different from his own, Sophie didn’t fit into his world either. But something didn’t gel and he couldn’t put his finger on what it was. Whatever it was, it was far from simple.

  Sunday morning. Sophie woke to daybreak’s murky light stealing over her window sill, although she couldn’t remember falling asleep. The last time she’d checked the time it had been ten past four. She’d resisted trying to contact Jared. He’d come when he was ready, and if he didn’t… She had no one to blame but herself.

  He hadn’t come.

  Sitting on the edge of her bed, she dragged on her dressing gown. Her eyes felt swollen and gritty, her nose was still blocked from her crying jag hours ago and there was an empty ache in her chest that wouldn’t go away.

  She had no idea whether it was over with Jared, why he hadn’t turned up last night or what he was thinking. But rather than sitting around like a misery guts and moping about it, she had packing to do. The furniture belonged to the apartment but she needed to sort what she was taking with her, and toss or store the rest.

  She could ring Jared…and apologise. She headed for the kitchen. She’d seen the disappointment in his eyes when she’d mentioned keeping tabs on one another. No, he’d come on his own terms or not at all.

  She’d just made a pot of tea when he turned up. Leaning on the door frame with his darkly stubbled jaw, furrowed hair and bloodshot eyes, he looked as ragged and sleep-deprived as she felt.

  He was just about the most beautiful sight she’d ever seen.

  She stood back to let him enter. He smelled of the beach, cool morning air and impossible dreams. He closed the door behind him and they stared at each other for a long moment.

  She couldn’t read his expression but maybe she saw something that gave her hope? Courage? ‘I missed you.’ She hadn’t meant to say them but the words tumbled out.

  He didn’t answer. Just wrapped one large hand around the back of her neck, hauled her face up to his and kissed her. Hard. Possessively and with a kind of angry passion.

  She felt his strength in the rigid arm that supported her, in his rock-hard body as she melted against him. Perhaps some of that strength would flow into her…

  But no. He released her with such speed and vehemence she almost stumbled. ‘We need to cool it.’ He shoved his hands in the back pockets of his jeans and shook his head, then watched the window where the pale sun slid through a smudge of grey. ‘This has got way too intense and I sure as hell don’t need it right now. Neither do you.’

  He regretted that kiss and the loss of control. The knowledge was both painful and poignant for Sophie. But it was for the best and he was right, they needed to put some distance between them. In one week the man she loved would be a world-away-distant memory.

  She wouldn’t cancel her trip; she needed it, now more than ever. She wouldn’t try to convince him that they could be more than short term. She wouldn’t lay open her vulnerable heart and tell him the things she wanted to tell him—that she not only wanted to be his lover but his wife, the mother of those children he so obviously wanted and expected of a marriage…

  She couldn’t give him those children and she couldn’t risk seeing the light in his eyes dull to disappointment when she told him.

  She should back off now, tell him it had been fun then pack up and go to Brisbane for the last week until her flight left from there, and never see him again.

  But with the party next weekend, she couldn’t let Melissa or Jared down now and Jared had paid her up front to do the job.

  She’d never been a quitter, she told herself, ignoring the little voice saying, Except where Jared’s concerned. And the thought of never seeing him again was too painful, what with him standing within touching distance, larger than life and twice as thrilling. Twice as precious.

  ‘So what are you trying to say?’ she asked his back. She didn’t want to know. She had to know. Better to know now…

  For the second time, he didn’t answer her. Turning around, he didn’t give her time to read his expression, just swept her into his arms and carried her towards the bedroom like an impatient man claiming what belonged to him…

  They didn’t talk at all, they made love. Tumultuous lovemaking of the deep and dark and desperate kind that satis
fied the flesh but resolved nothing.

  Jared didn’t give her time to refuse or argue or demand. He wanted her now—all of her—heart, body and mind—all, and with an urgency he’d never known.

  And she gave him everything. He felt it flow from her like a fast-flowing stream. Momentarily sweeping away those earlier doubts and questions on a tide of emotion he struggled to contain.

  After, he held her trapped within his arms, breathing in the musky scent of their own creation. Revelled in the silken rain of ebony hair that cascaded over his shoulder and down his chest. His words had dried up like cockles in the sun. He couldn’t remember a single one. One look at her when she’d opened the door all mussed and flushed and sleepy and all he could think was, Home. All he knew was that he wanted her. In every way. Whatever the cost. Whatever the sacrifice, whatever the risk.

  But how would she respond if he opened his heart and told her? Would she be willing to make that sacrifice too, and take that risk with him? Was he even ready to find out?

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  ON THE following Saturday night Sophie put the finishing touches to her make-up and stood back to check her reflection. She’d chosen a sapphire-blue dress that left one shoulder bare and had an asymmetric hemline. But tonight wasn’t about her, it was Melissa’s big night.

  The past week had been hectic. She’d stored what she wasn’t taking. The rest spilled out of two open suitcases on her living-room floor.

  The time had also given Sophie an opportunity to get better acquainted with Melissa. She was a complex girl but she obviously adored her big brother. It was just that, according to Lissa, she was feeling suffocated.

  Sophie understood Melissa wanted to test her independence. Having a protective brother, while a wonderful thing, could prove stifling—or so Sophie imagined, thinking of her own long-lost sibling. Lissa wanted her own place and she’d said Jared needed his privacy too.

  Sophie agreed. She added a pair of silver drop earrings to complete her look. But Melissa knew Sophie was leaving so why the conspiratorial smile when she’d mentioned his need for space? Did she think she and Jared were something more?

  Did she maybe think Sophie was coming back sooner rather than later? Sophie stared at her eyes in the mirror. No regrets, remember.

  She and Lissa had come to an arrangement. Lissa was taking over Sophie’s apartment. The landlord was satisfied. Jared had accepted the inevitability with only minor reservations. Everyone was happy…except Sophie. Oh, she was happy. She told herself so every day and smiled at her reflection to prove it. Who wouldn’t be, with the trip of a lifetime so close she could almost smell it?

  Because there was Jared.

  Her smile slipped away, her heart contracted and a brief mist clouded her vision. Jared, with that adorable crease in his cheek and something deep in his eyes that told her he had secrets he wasn’t going to share with her.

  She was leaving and she knew he cared for her more than a little. His sister was moving out after she left and he’d be on his own for the first time. A man who loved having his family close and enjoyed companionship. Sophie wondered how he’d deal with that.

  And he’d given her a most precious gift, a gift he wasn’t even aware he’d given: her acceptance of self, belief in herself. So after consulting Melissa, and with Crystal’s okay, Sophie had arranged a surprise she hoped he’d recognise for what it was and enjoy.

  Even with Melissa planning to live independently, Jared was still very much his youngest sister’s protector. Sophie remembered a conversation she’d had with Melissa.

  ‘I guess that’s because you’re the baby,’ Sophie had said. ‘When your father died, Jared wanted to make sure you—’

  ‘No.’ Melissa shook her head. ‘My father wanted nothing to do with me. I’m not his biological daughter. Our mum had an affair. He discovered it after she died. I was only a few weeks old, so I don’t remember her.

  ‘But I remember my father’s coldness towards me and my bad behaviour as a result and getting attention for all the wrong reasons. I was alone, I was different, I was an outsider. I had no biological parents and only a half brother and sister and they had each other.’

  Sophie touched Melissa’s hand, sad that she couldn’t see the blessing she’d been given in Jared. ‘But, Melissa…’

  ‘I know.’ Melissa flapped a hand. ‘I’m so lucky. Even as a four-year-old I remember Jared standing up to his father and copping a beating to protect me.’

  ‘Beating?’

  ‘Oh, yeah.’

  Which sounded to Sophie as if it had happened more than once.

  Melissa didn’t want to hurt Jared’s feelings by appearing ungrateful and moving out and leaving him all on his lonesome but she needed to do her own thing. She and Crystal were also very concerned about his work-life balance.

  Yes, there were women, but not often and he never dated the same one more than a couple of times. He needed a woman who could light his fire, Melissa had said. And she’d looked at Sophie when she’d said it. A woman he could settle down with and make a family of his own.

  Melissa worried he wasn’t looking because he still felt that responsibility for his baby sister who was no longer a baby, but that he might see things differently if she wasn’t around…

  The apartment solution was a good one, Sophie thought, on the short cab journey to Enzo’s. Jared had organised a taxi for Sophie ahead of time so she could ensure everything was organised and he was bringing Lissa. A place of her own would give Melissa independence, she’d be ten minutes away from Jared, and Pam lived in the same complex if she needed help.

  And Jared could move on with his life.

  And Sophie was not going to think about that tonight. She’d be much too busy making sure everyone else had a good time.

  Jared shuffled Sophie around the makeshift dance floor to one of the local band’s recent hits. The rhythm was essentially fast but they moved to their own beat—much slower and out of time if anybody cared enough to look.

  The restaurant’s sliding doors had been removed and the dance floor set up outside. Coloured lanterns danced on their strings in the gentle ocean breeze, the scents of kerosene torches and salty air and fried garlic assaulted the senses.

  ‘You did a brilliant job getting it together on such short notice,’ Jared said against her ear. ‘You’ve worked practically non-stop and I appreciate it. Thank you.’

  Sophie looked over his elegantly clad shoulder. Pam was in the corner having an up-close and serious conversation with some hotshot Sophie recognised from the office. Crystal and Ian had left earlier with Arabella, but the guest of honour was laughing up a storm with some of her friends by the remains of the birthday cake inside. ‘You’re very welcome and I’m grateful for the opportunity.’

  Melissa had wanted the occasion to be a formal affair. All the guys looked gorgeous in suits despite the warm evening and the girls, glad of an excuse to tart themselves up for a change in what was normally a casual lifestyle, wore semi-formal dresses and plenty of bling.

  Every one seemed to be having a good time. Sophie had enjoyed a champagne to celebrate the cake cutting. And Jared, as usual, looked irresistible in his dark suit and classy silver tie.

  He must have noticed her smiling—or was she drooling?—because he tilted her face up to his, placed a slow melting kiss on her lips that promised all kinds of anticipated delights and murmured against her mouth, ‘I think we can leave now.’

  Oh, and she wanted that promise fulfilled. ‘But it’s only ten-thirty and the party’s my responsibility. I need to—’

  ‘Please the man who paid you,’ he murmured again.

  He slid one large finger beneath the strap on her right shoulder and drew a sensuous circle there. ‘Ah…’ She shivered at the little thrill of anticipation that trickled all the way down to her toes, but she had a job to do. ‘But I…Lissa—’

  ‘Will thank you very much for all you’ve done. Then she’ll say goodnight and tell us to enjoy
the rest of the evening.’

  The way he said that, the way his eyes darkened, the way his finger slid lower, beneath the fabric of her dress and towards the top of her bra… That promise again… And the trickle became a torrent.

  ‘These young things don’t want us oldies hanging around.’ He was already withdrawing his finger to take her hand and lead her towards Melissa to say their goodbyes.

  Sophie laughed. ‘You talk as if we’re over the hill.’

  ‘We are to them. Come on.’

  And she knew why he was insisting they leave early. It was their last night together. Tomorrow afternoon she was flying to Sydney to catch her international flight scheduled for Monday morning.

  Jared drove her home. Except…they didn’t seem to be headed in that direction. ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘Wait and see.’ Apartment buildings and luxury hotels twinkled with a million lights as they drove a short distance, then Jared pulled to a stop under the portico of a well-known five-star hotel.

  ‘We’re staying here?’ She stared up at the gold and marble and glass.

  ‘I thought we might.’ His desire-darkened eyes burned into hers.

  ‘All night.’ They hadn’t spent the night together since Noosa. She’d hated that, but now, with only this night left, maybe it was a very unwise idea. Maybe the most dangerous idea she could think of.

  And far too seductive to refuse.

  He seduced her further with the gentle brush of a fingertip over her lips. ‘All night. We even have a late checkout in the morning.’

  ‘But I didn’t bring—’

  He leaned across the centre console and nuzzled the underside of her jaw. ‘Believe me, you won’t need a thing.’ When he straightened again, her pulse was already leaping in anticipation.

  ‘But tomorrow morning…’

  ‘Got it sorted…’ He pulled a small bag from behind his seat and set it on her lap. ‘Pam packed a few things. She hoped you wouldn’t mind her using her spare key for your apartment without your permission.’