Her Not-So-Secret Diary

by Anne Oliver

  ‘Oh, Pamela, Pamela…you’re in on this too?’ She pressed her hands to her flushed cheeks. They’d organised this behind her back. Pam hadn’t breathed a word at the party. Not a look. Not even a glimmer.

  ‘Okay?’

  She nodded, struggling not to feel overwhelmed. ‘Okay.’

  A woman met them in the lobby. She wore a baby-pink shirt, smelled of sandalwood and exuded serenity. She smiled a somewhat conspiratorial welcome at Jared, then turned her smile on Sophie. ‘Good evening, Sophie.’

  ‘Good evening.’ When the woman indicated she should follow her, Sophie looked to Jared. ‘What’s happening?’

  ‘A thank-you for your effort on Lissa’s behalf, and mine, these past couple of weeks. You wanted a day-spa package. You’ve got a night-spa one instead.’

  ‘Oh, I…’

  ‘I’ll be waiting when you’re done. Thanks for this, Aimee. I owe you one.’ He nodded to the woman, then kissed Sophie lightly on the cheek. ‘Enjoy.’

  And Sophie spent the next hour and a half in the hotel’s Wellness centre being treated like a celebrity by two—yes, two—therapists. The popular Goddess facial. A de-stress and aromatherapy massage. Chakra balancing. Mineral salt scrub and manicure.

  She was pampered within an inch of her life.

  When she was done Aimee gave her a luxuriously soft towelling robe embroidered with the hotel’s logo to put on and showed her to a private elevator that led to a penthouse suite. She should be tired but she’d never felt more alive.

  When Sophie had stepped inside the lift, Aimee pressed the button and smiled. ‘Enjoy your evening.’

  ‘Oh, I will.’ I will. Wow, she didn’t need an elevator, she was already floating.

  But she left her stomach behind as the lift shot skyward. When the doors slid open again Jared was waiting in a matching robe. The warm golden glow of candlelight greeted her. Too many to count. Squat, thin, tall, a rainbow of colours, they were scattered over every available surface. ‘Oh, my…Jared…this is…too much.’

  ‘I told you before, there’s never too much of a good thing.’ He moved in for a long knee-weakening kiss. ‘Mmm. You smell divine,’ he murmured moments later.

  ‘I feel divine.’ She threw her arms around his neck. ‘And my chakras are in perfect balance.’

  ‘Are they now?’ He sniffed her jaw. ‘Jasmine?’

  ‘And geranium and rose, with a whiff of citrus.’ She licked his lips. ‘Mmm. And you’ve been eating chocolate berries.’

  ‘Strawberries, actually. Want one?’

  ‘In a minute.’ She lingered over the taste a moment longer, then moved to the wide panoramic window where a table held a bottle of celebratory bubbly and two glasses. Surfers Paradise nightlife sprawled below them like fairyland.

  The view was as seductive as the man behind her. She caught his reflection in the darkened glass pane as he moved towards her. Tonight’s whole experience was an aphrodisiac.

  Watching his eyes in the glass, she poured two glasses of the wine but left them on the table and murmured a seductive, ‘You know I’m naked under this robe.’

  Large, firm hands reached out and squeezed her shoulders. ‘I was counting on it,’ he murmured back, his deep voice rumbling down her spine as he tugged the robe’s belt open and drew the fabric off her shoulders. He kissed one shoulder then the other, pulled the robe completely away.

  She heard the soft swish of air as he stripped off his own and then he turned her in his arms. He reached for the glasses, handed her one. ‘To fantasies…whatever form they take.’

  She raised her glass. ‘To fantasies.’ She took a sip. ‘You’ve made mine come true, you know. I…I don’t know how to…I can’t—’

  ‘Shh.’ Jared put a finger against her lips. ‘Not now.’ He took their glasses, set them down on the table.

  Jared didn’t take his eyes off her as he carried her to the bed. This luxury suite might have been a dingy motel room on the edge of the Pacific Highway out of Ballina for all Jared knew, or even cared.

  Their last night.

  Their last time.

  She rose up on her knees in the centre of the bed and he joined her, taking it slow as if they could make time stand still while the candlelight flickered and danced. Neither spoke but neither felt the necessity because everything was in their eyes as they watched each other. Their emotions, their desires, their awareness of the inverted hourglass.

  They lay down together. It was different tonight. He felt it in the way she touched him, as if memorising the imprint of his skin against hers.

  He was making his own memories. His lips lingered at her neck so he might recall the taste of her skin tomorrow, when she was gone. A week from now. A year.

  He moved on top of her and, bracing himself on his elbows, stared down. Hair an ebony fan on the pillow, her own unique scent beneath the jasmine…just a shimmer of it in the air. Her eyes drenched with passion…and more.

  Through fighting it, he almost surrendered to the inevitable. Was this the time to tell her that his feelings for her went deeper than they had for any woman he’d known? To ask her to consider something on a more permanent basis? Or tell her he’d meet her in a month for a weekend of loving in Paris before bringing her home to live with him.

  He leaned down and kissed her. She moaned and moved beneath him as he slid inside her, her hands caressing his cheeks. Perhaps this was where she might tell him she’d changed her mind about going. Or that she’d be back in a month because she couldn’t stand to be without him. She might ask him to take a break from work, to fly over and meet her for a romantic weekend in Paris or Rome, then surprise him by accompanying him back to Australia. To his bed, his home, his life.

  And that would be the emotion of the night talking. But in the clear light of day…

  Sophie’s hands were cold. It was a clear Gold Coast day but she clamped them together to ease the chill while she waited beside her luggage. Her gaze roamed over the apartment she’d called home for the past four years. The plumped cushions, the cheery mugs on the kitchen bench. The first place she’d ever felt comfortable in. Safe in. Melissa would love it. Jared would no doubt come by and check on his sister…Jared.

  Last night… Two fat tears welled up and spilled down her cheeks. When she was ready, when she was strong enough, brave enough, she’d write it all down. The man, the memories. She’d start a book of memoirs instead of a dream diary—she didn’t need that crutch any more. Jared had taught her self-acceptance, given her back her self-esteem.

  She just couldn’t be the woman he needed.

  He’d dropped her off after a quick lunch in the hotel’s bistro and was coming by any moment now to take her to the airport. But he wouldn’t be taking her—she’d booked a cab. No lingering farewells. A swift clean break.

  She jumped at his familiar knock, checked her watch then, inhaling a deep breath, walked to the door and pulled it open.

  Their eyes met. The way they had the first time he’d come to her door. Same heart-stopping response. He’d always be it for her. She dredged up a smile. ‘You’re early.’

  He didn’t smile back, just stood there a moment, then rubbed a hand over his jaw. ‘I wanted to talk to you before we leave for the airport.’

  He closed the door, tangled her fingers with his to lead her to the couch. ‘It might be easier if we sit down.’

  Perched on the edge, she watched his eyes change, the way they did when he was deep in thought. Or deep inside her…

  Her whole body went rigid—with fear, with hope, with fear again. Her heart wept in her chest. She would have clenched her fingers together again or pulled them away but he had a firm hold on both hands. She shook her head. ‘I think we—’

  ‘Sophie.’ He looked down at their joined hands, then up to her eyes again. ‘I realise my timing’s all wrong, and maybe you don’t want to hear this, but I can’t let you leave without telling you.’

  Her breath hitched and he paused, just looking at her like
…like…

  ‘I know you need to tick this trip off your list of life’s goals,’ he said, ‘and if you don’t you’ll regret it. I will never intentionally tread on your dreams, Sophie, or try to stifle your life in any way, but I was thinking, hoping, that we might—’

  ‘Stop.’ She tugged her hands from his and pushed at him. ‘Wait.’ He was heading in a direction she couldn’t go and her heart was already breaking. ‘I need to tell you something first.’

  Needing distance and at least some modicum of control, she stood. Not wanting to read what she’d see in those jade-green eyes, she needed to look somewhere else, anywhere but at his face. She dropped her chin, stared at the floor. ‘I can’t have children, Jared.’ Her words choked in her throat and in the stunned silence she heard his indrawn breath. ‘So whatever you were about to say, don’t.’

  She was aware of the muted traffic hum and small bird chatter outside the window. The refrigerator’s noisy drone kicked in.

  ‘Sophie…honey…’ he began, finally. ‘I…’

  Closing her eyes, she shook her head. ‘No. I don’t want to hear it.’

  ‘Okay. I need a minute here.’ His voice was tight, as if he was having trouble breathing.

  She knew. He was having trouble breathing because he was deciding on the best way to extricate himself from the knot he’d been about to tie around his own throat.

  ‘I should have told you.’ She opened her eyes, this time daring to look up, past compressed lips and into that maelstrom in his eyes. Or maybe I shouldn’t have told you at all.

  And now to tell him the whole truth and nothing but the truth. ‘I fell in love with you, Jared. Your loyalty, your sense of humour, your perceptiveness, your integrity. You’ve given me the most precious of gifts. You valued me as an employee, desired me as a lover, you respect me as a woman. You’ve given me strength and a new belief in myself, but I can’t give you what you want most.’

  Jared stared at her while an iron fist pummelled his chest. ‘Let me be the judge of that.’ His words slashed the air, harsh and deep, like the shock carving a canyon through his body. ‘I’ll be the one who decides what I want.’

  ‘Don’t you see?’ she said softly. ‘I’m saving you from having to make that decision.’ The sound of a car’s horn drew her attention to the window. ‘I have to go—I have a cab waiting.’

  ‘But…hang on just a damn minute here.’ He crossed to her in quick strides, caught her arm. ‘I’m taking you to the airport. We arranged it.’

  Again she lifted her hand to his chest. ‘No. Please, no. I hate emotional airport goodbyes. It’s better this way.’

  ‘So you’re…what…just dropping this bomb on me and leaving? Without giving me a chance to discuss this with you?’

  ‘There’s nothing to say. It’s just the way it is.’

  ‘The hell it is.’ He slammed a fist against his thigh. He felt as if he were sinking in quicksand. He needed time but he didn’t have it.

  The buzzer sounded and she walked to the door, opened it. ‘Good afternoon, just these cases,’ she told the cabbie, indicating the two rolling suitcases beside her.

  She swung a large bag over her shoulder, then placed her key on the kitchen bench. ‘You’ll need this to lock up.’

  So caught up in the whirlwind tearing through his mind, he almost forgot, withdrawing a brown-paper package from his jacket pocket. ‘Parting gift. Don’t open it till you’re on your way tomorrow.’ He crossed the few steps between them, tucked it into her carry-all.

  ‘Oh…thank you…’ Her eyes welled with moisture. ‘I left something for you too. With Melissa. She’s at home with it, waiting for you right now.’ She leaned close and whispered, ‘Goodbye, Jared,’ then kissed him softly.

  Her lips clung to his for the longest time. Not long enough. Not nearly long enough.

  And then she was gone.

  A short time later he was staring down at the skinny black and white dog in Melissa’s arms, a new red collar around his scrawny neck. ‘What’s the mutt doing here?’ he demanded. But he couldn’t resist scratching behind the silky ears. He’d always been a sucker where animals were concerned. ‘Looks like he could do with a good feed.’

  ‘This is Angus and he’s from the pound. He’s a year old so you don’t have to worry about the puppy thing. He’s fully house-trained and vaccinated and needs a loving home.’ She held him out. ‘He’s yours.’

  ‘Mine? I don’t want a dog. What would I do with a dog?’

  ‘He’s Sophie’s gift to you,’ she said softly.

  He frowned, stepping away, denying the choked feeling clawing up his throat. She’d given him a dog. ‘What in hell was she thinking?’ he muttered. ‘You need to spend time with them, walk them, train them.’ Love them.

  That was what she’d been thinking.

  ‘Sophie’s thoughts exactly,’ Lissa said. ‘He’ll be a companion now that you’re on your own. You’ll need to come home from work earlier—a good thing, Jared. Sophie understood that. She left food, bedding, toys…and a letter.’

  He reached for the envelope in Lissa’s hand.

  Dear Jared,

  Angus means ‘unique choice’, and that’s what he is—the moment I saw him at the kennels, my search for a suitable companion for you was over. You said you didn’t have time for pets but now you’ll make the time. And in return, I promise that Angus will give you absolute loyalty and unconditional love.

  Sophie.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  BARELY over her jet lag, Sophie walked into a job in a London pub on her fourth day. Waiting tables wasn’t her preferred choice but the position included meals and dormitory-style accommodation and it suited her fine for now.

  It kept her hands busy and her mind occupied, she reminded herself three weeks later as she climbed the narrow staircase to the room she shared with two Aussies and an American from Philadelphia. Dwelling on Jared and what she’d left behind was a waste of energy and was a downer on what was supposed to be the best year of her life.

  While she showered she reminded herself that even if he’d asked her to cancel her plans and stay with him she’d have said no. Which he wouldn’t have, she thought, remembering his promise not to tread on her dreams. It was finally her turn and she’d worked long and hard for it.

  Under different circumstances she might have told the man she loved she’d come back and asked him if he’d wait. But these weren’t ordinary circumstances and this was no ordinary man. This was Jared, who loved kids, wanted a family and had already broken up with one woman because she didn’t want children cluttering up their lives. In fact he’d been openly frank about it.

  Her room mates had gone clubbing after their shifts but she’d told them she was too tired. She slipped into long flannel pants and a T-shirt and climbed into bed. It had become a nightly ritual to deal with her emails first. Another to tell herself she didn’t expect Jared to contact her. And he didn’t.

  But every night she got that same fluttering anticipation in her belly when she opened her inbox, and the same dragging sensation when she didn’t see his name. She’d had a couple of emails from Pam, but nothing about the office and Jared and how he was doing. Same with his sister. Melissa loved her new living arrangements, Angus was putting on weight and growing more handsome by the day. But no mention of his new owner.

  Tonight was no different and she closed her laptop refusing to be disappointed. She was going to compose another entry in her new book of dreams instead. She caressed the silk-brocade-covered notebook. Jared’s farewell package. He’d written on the first page:

  Sophie,

  For your dreams. May they all come true.

  Always, Jared.

  She’d spent the long-haul flight crying and staring out of the window and wondering what he was doing. What she was doing.

  She’d unwrapped it somewhere over China and could almost hear him tell her, ‘They’ll be safer on paper…’ And she could still see him smile that sexy smile that
said he shared the joke.

  Except now she wrote daydreams. Castles-in-the-air dreams. Where she and Jared and their offspring played happy families for ever after.

  Impossible dreams that could never come true.

  ‘Pam,’ Jared boomed from his office at four o’clock one afternoon. ‘The reports on those soil samples for Surfers’ Retreat and Spa should’ve been back Monday. Get on the phone and give them a blast, I—’

  ‘Calm down.’ Pam popped her head into Jared’s office and added in a lower but no less aggravated voice, ‘You’re frightening Mimi, not to mention little Angus there.’

  He looked down at the bundle of black and white fur in the basket. Angus whimpered while two black eyes stared up at him. He didn’t approve of dogs in the office, but this afternoon it had been unavoidable.

  ‘It’s okay, boy. Go back to your puppy-dog dreams. Liss’ll be here to pick you up any minute now.’ And didn’t the mutt look spiffy with his new doggy trim and shampoo?

  Shaking her head, Pam watched him like an exasperated parent complaining over her unruly child. ‘I left a hard copy on your desk on Monday afternoon.’

  Jared ran his hands down his cheeks and muttered, ‘Where the hell is it now, then?’ When Pam popped back out again, he muttered some more choice phrases she wouldn’t want to hear.

  He stared at his desk. Or what he could see of it. He’d sort it tonight when Pam went home. It would give him something to do. He leaned back in his chair and scowled.

  Maybe he wouldn’t sort it at all. He should take Angus for a walk on the beach. He’d left the little guy with Melissa too many times to count and it wasn’t fair on the dog. Or Liss—she wasn’t supposed to have pets in her apartment and was growing tired of splitting her time between her new home and his.