My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

I took my first real breath, still whispering and searching his eyes for the thing I’d seen. “Your face gets so dark sometimes.”

  He tried to smile, but it was like it was broken. “I’m sorry.”

  “Lochlan, you were like frozen.” I gripped his fingers.

  His eyes pinched. “I know. I’m sorry. I had to go to anger management after the show. They told me to slow everything down and take breaths.”

  I swallowed, changing the subject. “If I say yes and you break my heart, we can’t live together anymore. We won’t see each other anymore. We’ll lose the thing we have.”

  “I know.”

  I maintained my stare into his eyes. “What do you want more? To be near me always or with me and gamble it all away? ”

  Without any hesitation or thought on the subject, he spoke. “With you, anyway I can have you. You know me, baby, I’m always going to say yes to the incredible.”

  “Okay. We can go out to dinner.”

  A slow smile crossed his face. “I’ll make you dinner at the house.”

  My smile matched his. “Danny?”

  “I’ll ask Gerry to take him to do something.” He bent his face close to mine again. “I’m sorry I got mad when Mike asked you to dinner.”

  I shook my head. “No. I shouldn’t have even entertained the thought of dinner with Mike. It was mean. I was mad at you for the whole kiss last night.”

  He leaned his forehead against mine. “Promise me you’ll use your words next time.”

  I laughed. “Pot calling the kettle black. You’re an asshole.”

  He nodded his face against mine. “I know.” He took my hand and pulled me to the door. We walked down the road, holding hands. He glanced over at me. “Why a magic store?”

  I looked back at it. “I wanted to ask for a spell to get over you.”

  He gave me a sly smile. “You that hooked on me?” Refusing to answer, I bit my lip. He wrapped his arm around me. “You know you are.”

  I looked up at him. “Every girl in Boston is.”

  His eyes sparkled, even under the dull, gray sky. “You need to look into my eyes and see the person I’m looking at. There won’t ever be anyone but you in there. When you see me at the show or signing autographs, that’s not me. This right now—with you—is me.” He stopped, pulling me into his embrace. “It’s always been me with you.”

  He was right. When I looked into his blue eyes, I could see myself.

  I pulled him down, pressing my lips against his.

  We left Salem, both holding onto the intense feelings of the possibilities of what was coming. Gerry left us at the apartment, and he and Danny took the car. Lochlan walked to the small store near us to get groceries, and I went upstairs to get cleaned up for dinner. Technically, not for dinner.

  I pulled on the only pretty outfit in my closet and looked at myself. White eyelet skirt and pale-pink tank top. My hair was a curly mess but he liked it. Weirdo.

  He liked me the way I was naturally, even if I didn’t.

  My stomach was in knots. I fidgeted and walked around my room, pacing and playing out how the evening was going to go. He would come back and make me dinner. We would have a glass of wine and laugh.

  I had to shake my head and rearrange a few things.

  He was going to make me hot dogs or Kraft Mac and Cheese and we’d drink beer.

  Whatever.

  We’d eat and have a drink. Maybe we’d kiss, and then somehow, end up in his bed. The images of the other girl in there killed that. “My bed,” I muttered, tapping my fingers against my lips.

  I heard the door to the apartment, making my head snap toward my door. I didn’t move. I didn’t know how to be cool about having sex with him. He was experienced in a way I wasn’t, not to mention, we were roommates. If we didn’t work, we would have to contend with it. Mostly, it was his sexuality that scared me. I’d had sex, but it was only with the three guys I’d dated, and they were all twenty-two or younger. They weren’t amazing. They all were fairly average and new to sex, like me. I’d dated guys like me. Nerdy, book guys who hung in coffeehouses. Guys like Gerry.

  This was uncharted territory. He had tattoos in places I hadn’t even touched on other people. I’d had sex in the dark with my eyes closed.

  He’d already made me feel like I was burning up from the inside out, which was more than any of the other three had ever done. I chewed my lip.

  I had a horrid feeling that we were making a mistake. The idea of losing him hurt more than not having him. I reached for the door and turned the lock. I dropped to my knees and leaned my forehead against the door.

  He called me. I didn’t answer. I felt sick.

  I heard his footsteps on the hardwood floor and closed my eyes. He turned the locked handle on the door.

  “Erin?”

  I stopped breathing.

  “You okay?”

  I shook my head. “I don’t feel good.”

  He turned the lock harder, aggressively. “Let me in.”

  I placed my hands on the door. “Can we reschedule? My stomach is hurting.”

  “No. I know why it’s hurting.” There was a thump on the floor, and suddenly his voice was next to mine through the hollow door. “Mine’s hurting too.”

  I whispered. “What if we screw this up?”

  He was quiet for a second. “I don’t know. I can’t think that far ahead. I just want you. I’ll always want you.”

  “What if that’s all it is?”

  “Princess, remember when I told you that I could have any girl I wanted?”

  I wrinkled my nose.

  “Don’t make that face. You know you remember that night.”

  I laughed. He couldn’t see me but he knew. I whispered. “I remember.”

  He sighed. “I wasn’t joking. Being Lochlan Barlow is awesome, but it’s not who I am. With you, I’m just Loch. I like that part of me. I like who you make me.”

  My eyes watered. “I’m normal and plain, and you’re the light that could brighten the whole sky. You’re too big, and I know we’re going to screw it up, and I can’t take not being with you, even as friends.” I was grateful for the door. I could never say any of that to his face.

  “Princess, you’re extraordinary to me. You’re the amazing and the fantastic. I look at you and I think ‘home.’ It’s bigger than anything in the world. No record deal, mountain climbed, no creation made, can compare to the feeling I have when I’m with you. Nothing I ever accomplish will be as great as getting you to be my girl.”

  I reached up and clicked the lock. He pushed the door and me back. He swept me into his arms, holding me to his chest. “I’m as scared of you as you are of me.”

  I shook my head against his scruffy face. “No.”

  He looked at me. “Yeah.” He put me down slowly, sliding me down his body.

  I ran my hands up his torso, dragging his tee shirt with it, running my hands along his taut, warm skin. He pulled the shirt up over his head, dropping it on the floor between us. I traced his tattoos with the tips of my nails, appreciating each one. On his left he had a huge triangle that covered the whole round part of his shoulder and went up his neck a tiny bit. His chest had two sentences I didn’t recognize. His arms had daggers and skulls and weird artwork. He looked savage without a shirt on. His body was ripped and inked, and he had a nipple piercing I never noticed before. It blended into the ink over his chest. I pointed. “Is that new?”

  “No.”

  It was a small black barbell through the nipple. I grimaced. “It must have hurt.” I flicked it with my fingertip. He sucked in. “Not anymore.”

  I smiled and looked up at him while my hands went to his leather belt with metal studs all over it. I undid it, maintaining his stare.

  He looked like he was ready to pounce, but I shook my head. I wanted to see him.

  I pulled the belt from his pants, struggling with the studs. I dropped it to the floor and dipped my fingers into the front of his pants. He jerked, like
he wasn’t ready for it. Taking his button in my fingers, I grinned as I undid it and pulled the zipper down.

  His breaths were slow and controlled. He was holding himself back. I had a bad feeling that when he let go of the control, it would be like unleashing a wild animal.

  The blue in his eyes was almost black. I frowned. “You okay?”

  He bit his lip and nodded.

  I dropped to my knees, dragging his jeans to the floor. His legs were thick and strong. I unlaced his boots slowly, knowing how close my face was in relation to his groin. His tight, white underwear had a wide band with Calvin across them. I looked up at his thick erection, outlined behind the white cotton. I wanted to pull it out, but I assumed that would be too much for him. He was already wound tight.

  I pulled off one boot and then the other.

  His jeans were hard to take off, but when I got them off, I sat back and looked at him. The black socks were wrecking the picture. I lifted his feet, one at a time, and pulled them off. Then I sat back and took a mental picture. I wanted this to be the way I always remembered him.

  My gaze traveled his body slowly. When I reached his face, I nodded. “Okay, but it has to be slow.”

  He leapt, sweeping me into his arms in a fluid motion. He laid me on the bed on my back, tugging at my shirt. He pulled it up, but stopped when it reached my eyes. It became a blindfold that trapped my arms above my head. His lips brushed against mine, like a butterfly kiss. He planted them everywhere. He dragged my bra up my body, doing the same as my shirt. I was helpless and blind. His mouth hovered over my left nipple. I shivered when I felt the heat of his breath there. He lowered, taking the whole nipple into his mouth. I moaned, arching my back but his hand still held my arms above my head and my shirt over my eyes. He sucked slowly, swirling his tongue and flicking. He kissed the mound of my breast and made a path of hot, wet kisses to my mouth. He sucked my lip and finally thrust his tongue in my mouth, releasing my hands. I struggled to get the shirt off.

  His hands were finding other places to explore, running up and down my inner thigh, tracing softly on the cotton of my underwear. He slipped them to the side, running a finger up the center of my lower lips.

  I sucked in a sharp inhale and held it, as his finger made its way into me. He moved slowly, stroking my abdomen and sliding his finger in and out of me. He sat up, watching me as he methodically moved his finger. He pulled his finger from me and ripped my underwear down all the way. They were still looped around one foot, when he spread my legs as far as they would go. He looked down on me. I closed my eyes. I couldn’t watch him see me spread apart. He bent his face, kissing my inner thigh. My stomach was in knots still. I waited in agony until he licked the entire length of my slit. Then I contracted, gripping the blankets.

  He murmured into the kisses and sucked. “You taste good. I knew you would.”

  I shook my head. “Shhhh. No talking.”

  He chuckled, licking again, but this time he pushed his finger inside of me. The licking and sucking, combined with the thrusting, and I felt my body break into a flush.

  “Cum for me, princess,” he murmured. As if because he commanded it, I did. I covered my hands over my face, knowing he’d just watched me orgasm in a bright bedroom. I couldn’t focus on it though. My whole body was contracting and twitching.

  He kissed the inside of my leg and sat up. I could feel his eyes bearing down on me. He bent forward, kissing me, and I could taste myself on his lips. I wasn’t sure how I felt about it, but it was there.

  I could hear the crinkle of a condom. “Open your eyes, princess.”

  I shook my head, clutching my hands to my eyes.

  He kissed my cheek. “Please.” He pried my hands from my face.

  I opened them, discovering a look in his eyes I’d only ever seen when he was on stage. It was the passion, and anger, and pain, and bliss, and joy he felt when he was singing. That dark look was there. He maintained my stare when he pushed himself inside of me. It hurt for a second. It had been a long time since my last partner, and he was much larger than any of them. But he pushed in slowly, letting me get used to him. He thrust once and bent his face. “You feel as good as I knew you would,” he whispered into my neck.

  His body moved against mine in a rhythmic way. I found myself pushing back, grinding and rotating against him. His hands caressed, worshiping almost, as his lips placed kisses everywhere. It was slow, and not at all what I was expecting. His self-control was insane, considering he’d looked like he was going to maul me when I was undressing him.

  I’d never had an orgasm with actual sex before, beyond my vibrator, so when the buildup started, I felt my eyes widen. He increased the speed. “Look into my eyes when you cum.”

  My breaths shortened and became the sound he always made me make. He gripped my ass, lifting me up and pumped harder. “You look at me when you cum. I want you to remember this moment.”

  I reached above me, grabbing the rails that made up the headboard. I used them to get the angle I needed. I didn’t even know I needed it until my body started to lift and clutch. He gave me his cocky one-sided smile when he felt it. I tried to keep looking at him, but my body was on fire. I focused on the blue of his eyes and how black they had gotten. I could see the demons swirling around inside of the blacks of his eyes. My body clenched and convulsed and my eyes closed with the intense look on his face burned into my memory. It was the same one he got when he sang.

  I got to have him the way I wanted him.

  I cried out, wrapping my legs around him, forcing him to freeze for a second. Every muscle tensed to the point that my calf started to cramp up. I flexed my foot and straightened my leg. “My calf . . . cramping.”

  He pressed on my foot until it went away.

  I opened my eyes and looked at him. “It’s gone.”

  He didn’t need anything beyond that to start again. He lifted me up higher and thrust into me like the animal I knew he would be. It wasn’t slow anymore. He gripped my thighs so hard I was sure to bruise. I was covering my mouth to muffle the pleasure-filled cries leaving my lips, when his body tensed and I felt him finish. He jerked and collapsed on me, squishing me, but in a good way.

  Everything changed in that moment.

  He kissed my arm, my breast, my chest, my throat, and then my cheek.

  Everything changed, and I prayed it wouldn’t be awkward as ass.

  Chapter Eight

  The record deal

  We didn’t leave the bed for twenty hours, probably scared of what was waiting in the real world. We slept, had sex again, and talked. He cut up a plate of fruit and cheese, and brought a packet of crackers when the hunger was too much. We ate in my bed, which made me laugh. I wasn’t kicking him out of bed for cracker crumbs. I was changing my sheets though.

  He looked at his huge cuff watch. “I have to go. You coming?”

  I wanted to be supportive, but I shook my head. “I think it’s better if I don’t come.”

  He looked hurt.

  I kissed his stubble-covered cheek. “I want to be there, but I don’t want to watch you sign girls’ boobs and arms and stomachs.”

  He laughed. “Fair enough. I sign paper too, ya know? Maybe like one in twenty girls asks for a body signing, and they ask the other guys too.”

  I shook it off and pointed at the huge pile of books in the corner. “I don’t want to talk about it, and I have homework anyway.”

  He kissed the tip of my nose. I watched him get out of bed. He had a nice ass. It was the kind that you wanted to bite. “How is your body so fit?”

  He looked down on himself. “You enjoying the view?”

  A smile crossed my lips. “Yup.”

  He shrugged. “I lift weights a few times a week, and I run. I don’t know. I do a show every night; that’s a lot of calories.”

  “But you eat a ton. You know it’s going to catch up with you. You’ll be three hundred pounds by the time you’re forty.”

  He dropped to his kn
ees in front of me. “You better still love me then, if I am.”

  It was an awkward moment for both of us.

  I felt myself closing off, but he was the antidote to my natural wall building. He pointed. “Stop that. I just meant if I get fat, you better still want to be with me.”

  I laughed and fought the awkwardness. “If you want me to want you in twenty years, then you better still look like David Beckham.”

  “You think I look like Beck?”

  “Kinda. The tats, the hair, intense eyes, and the muscled body, but not crazy thick. You’re still lean. You’re handsome like him. Yeah, if I had to say anyone, I would say him.” I watched him look bashful for the first time ever and jumped out of bed. “Yeah, I’m coming.” I pulled on a tee shirt and some cargo pants.

  “You sure?”

  I looked at him, studied him, and nodded. “Positive. You can’t go alone. Those bitches will eat you alive.”

  He scoffed. “Stay here if you’re going to be mad at yourself for not finishing your homework.”

  I rolled my eyes. “I’ll lay here and wonder what you’re doing.”

  “I don’t want that. I want you to be able to do your thing and me do mine, and neither of us worry what the other person is doing.”

  I took a breath and looked at the stack of books. “No, you’re right. You go. I’ll wait here.”

  He kissed me once and it was enough. He was right. Acting like a psycho wasn’t going to make dating him easier.

  Of course it lasted about an hour. Then I couldn’t take it any longer. My eyes wouldn’t focus on the book I wasn’t reading, and I had already watched three performances of his singing on YouTube.

  I ran out the door, barely even paying attention to anything, except of course, my mace. I wasn’t ready to let that go. All women in a city alone needed mace. It was like a religion for me.

  I sprinted down the stairs and up the block to the bar. The Sunday night performance was the least popular one. They had talked about cutting it. But when I got around the block, I gasped at the line.

  “Shit.”

  I walked up to the door to where the bouncer was. He gave me a look. I pointed and whispered. “I’m Erin Benson. . . . I’m . . . uhhh, friends with Lochlan. We’re . . . uhhh . . . ”