My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  I wasn't a person—I was a joke and a label and a thing that was mocked internationally. My brother, my boyfriend, and my friends all knew and never said a word. They never told me a single thing. They pretended everything was fine.

  I got up and pulled on my sweats. I tied my hair back in a ponytail and threw on my runners, transferring my mace from my jeans to my sweats, and left the apartment. I would never leave home without it again.

  Being a young woman, self-esteem is always an issue. My feet hit the pavement with fury. I wasn’t an ugly girl. I was a normal girl. My long, silky blonde hair was my best feature. My pale skin that never tanned and my short stature were not my best features. But I worked hard to stay fit and look good. I dressed nicely. I dressed way nicer than Lochlan ever did, and yet, somehow they only managed to snag photos of him in friggin’ PEA COATS! I hadn’t even seen the damned pea coat yet.

  The whole world thought I was an angry, ugly girl and Lochlan could do so much better.

  Yes, at the wrong angle my nose could look big and my lips were a bit too fat for my small face. But there wasn’t anything so hideous as the cameras suggested, was there? Was I that horrid girl in the alley, screaming at him and raging like a jealous bitch? Was I not worthy of him?

  I shook my head and ran harder along the Charles River Reservation. It was my favorite five-mile run. I always ran to a park along the way and turned around. But this time I paced when I reached the park, catching my breath. The air was cold and the day was ending. I sat on a bench overlooking the water.

  I was vanishing. A montage of images floated through my mind. I was vanishing. I wasn’t Erin Benson, law student and soon-to-be lawyer. I was Loch’s girl—what was her name again? Who knows, but she treats him like shit and eats too much . . . fat bitch.

  I saw the irrational thoughts for what they were. But the petty bitch inside of me, who hated the self-conscious little sniveler I could be, took over. She pointed out that I wasn’t a weak little simpleton. I needed to see myself the way Serena had in school. I had fought back when Mitch attacked me. I had called Dad for help. I was out for a run, against Loch’s orders, and not even letting Mitch take my sense of security from me again. Loch’s orders. Who did he think he was ordering me around anyway?

  I knew Mitch was locked up tight. My security came from inside of me. I was strong and no asshole, crazy guy was going to take that from me. But neither was a bad-boy lead singer. It was me who controlled my universe.

  I grabbed at my curly hair and hated the fact that I’d become his doormat. I had become what I thought he wanted most, to be that perfect girl for him. My first instincts about him had been right. He served me up, ordered my drinks, but drank from them, like he was letting me know he owned them. He owned me. He was charming and beautiful, and I didn’t believe I deserved a boy like that, not a normal girl like me.

  Was he really so perfect though? His behavior was possessive and psychotic. His temper was foul, like horrific foul. He was a playboy and I was buying into it all. I was convincing myself that I was lucky to have him, because he was magical at something. Like the pied piper, he could lead all women to their ruination.

  Well, I wasn't letting that be my fate.

  In my mind, my strength and courage were nothing, compared to the star he was becoming.

  A horrid resolve and a terrible attitude started to form in my mind. I got up and walked home, not a new person but an old one. When I got to the apartment, they weren’t back. I took the time to grab all his things and move them out of my room. I needed my space back. I needed a backbone. The reflection of the huge ring on my finger in the mirror made me stop. I ran my finger over it and pulled it off. I placed it on my bedside table, and pulled on a cute black skirt and a white blouse. I did my makeup, straightened my hair, and walked down to the bar. The bouncer gave me a funny look. “We don’t open for a couple hours.”

  I flashed him a sweet smile. “I’m here to see Brian about a job.”

  He got a sly smile and let me in past the closed door. “Head to the office upstairs.”

  I climbed the stairs, disturbed a little bit by how dingy it was with the lights on and no Lochlan to liven the place up. I took a deep breath and knocked on the door that said office.

  A greasy-looking, forty-year-old man answered. He gave me a once over and grinned. “You looking for a job?”

  “I am.”

  “Come on in.” He looked like a hungry wolf.

  I shuddered, hating him instantly. Loch had been right—the guy was a pig. I almost bolted for the door, but five hundred dollars for two days of work was too good to pass up.

  I sat in the leather chair across from his desk. He sat on the corner of the desk, hovering over me casually. His dark hair was smoothed back and his face was worn, making him look older than he was. He had beady eyes and a crooked grin.

  “What’s your name?”

  I cleared my throat. “Erin Benson.”

  He smiled until the name hit him. “Fuck! Lochlan’s girl?”

  “I’m not his. I’m a human being. He has no control over me.” I ran a hand through my silky hair.

  He snorted. “Yeah, right. Look, I’m not pissing him off. He’s famous and has a temper like a motherfucker. So take your cute butt back to his place. There is no job for you here.”

  I stood up and leaned into his face. “You don’t think that having the infamous Lochlan Barlow’s girlfriend working here will bring in the business? It’ll guarantee he’s here more—that’s good for business. Not to mention, I used to help out at my parents’ country club at Christmas time for extra money, so I actually know how to serve. I’d be useful, unlike half of your staff, and I would bring Thin Ice in on their own time.”

  “You’re going to get me in fucking trouble.”

  I shrugged. “Think of the ride you could have for the time I work here. I’ll do Friday and Saturday nights, and you won’t lay a hand on me or Lise.”

  He looked confused. “Lise?”

  My gaze narrowed. “Brown hair, beautiful, law student.”

  He nodded slowly. “Right—her.”

  I stuck a finger in his face. “You touch her, and I use my claim to fame as Loch’s girl for bad things. Slanderous things.”

  “Man, I had you pegged differently. Guess the whole law school thing should have clued me in.” He nodded and stuck a hand out. “Deal.” I shook his hand. “Start tonight then?”

  I grinned. “Of course.”

  He pointed at my black eye. “That might be a problem.”

  “I’ll get the other girls to patch me up. It’ll be dark in here soon anyway.”

  I walked out of the office and down the stairs.

  Lise screamed when she saw me. “Ahhhh! You came.”

  I hugged her and smiled. “I did. I start tonight.”

  “What happened to your eye and your lip?” She looked horrified.

  “Ran into an ex-stalker in North Dakota. He attacked me. It’s in the papers.”

  She laughed. “I’m sorry. Oh my God, that’s awful. I just remembered I saw that fat picture of you and you were all fat. The media hates you.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Laugh it up.”

  She gushed. “Well, you working here should be fun for them to take pics. Just make sure you look pretty every day.”

  I never thought about that. Was that what Loch was talking about, keeping me out of the public eye? No wonder. He was probably ashamed of me and the image I had.

  She pulled her makeup out and fixed my eyes. “Thin Ice plays tonight. You ready for some serious cash and the sorest feet ever?”

  I laughed. “I am.”

  My phone rang. I pulled it out and sighed. “I’ll just go get ready.”

  She nodded.

  I answered. “Hey.”

  Loch sounded panicked. “Don’t leave. I should have told you and I’m sorry. I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. I had no idea you needed me. I couldn’t hear the phone. When I saw the picture
of you phoning me for help and I was signing that slag’s shit, I was so mad at myself.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You moved all my shit back into my room, and I saw your laptop and the pictures and what you were Googling. Just please don’t leave. I know I keep screwing up.”

  I laughed. “I’m not leaving.”

  He was silent for a second. “You’re not?”

  “No. I just need to buckle down, and I don’t need you to distract me constantly.”

  “Erin, I know you’re mad about the pictures.”

  I laughed again. “Yeah, not cool. Sucks to be me, I guess. Another cost of dating you.” That was way offside and bitter.

  “Where are you?”

  “Work. I’ll see you guys when you get here.”

  He shouted instantly. “I told you no. Brian is a seedy fuck.”

  I looked at my black eye in the bathroom mirror. “I know. I got that from him.”

  “Did he touch you?”

  I sighed. “No. He’s scared of me. I threatened him with a lawsuit if he touched me. I also told him that I was comfortable misusing my obvious stardom from dating you. I told him I would slander his bar in every corner of the world. He’s being a good scum bag for now.”

  “I’ll be there in five to get you. Just wait outside.”

  I noticed the fierce look in my eyes and wished he were there to see it. “Nope. You even try to get me fired, or make me quit, and we are done. I like my hair straight and smooth. I like to pick my meal. I like to serve myself and I like my own drink, not a shared one.”

  “Is this about the money? I can buy you anything you want or need. I have money, princess. I always have.”

  I sighed. “I also hate the way you choose not to hear the things I say that you don’t like. This is our first real couple’s fight, Loch. I want to be the girl I was, not the girl you’re making me. I want to be with you on my terms, not yours. It’s all about you. I’m living through you—your career, your friends, your success, your name. My name doesn’t even Google anymore. I Googled me and it comes up as Lochlan’s girl, Erin Benson. Apparently, I’m ugly, pregnant, and manipulating you. People think I’m an evil whore who can suck-start a truck. I’m not me anymore. I’m yours, and that’s not cool for me. I’m stronger than that. At least, I used to be.”

  He sounded pissed. “We’ll talk about this after we leave the bar together.” He hung up on me. I worried for a while that he would come and drag me out. He didn’t. He showed for his stage setup, ignoring me.

  I served drinks, dodged groping hands, and smiled until I was blue in the face. Lise was the most fun person to work with ever. She danced and drank shots, and made me have some. She stuffed money down my underwear, making customers think it was okay. I thought the money flowed amazingly until the show started, then it got busy. I saw the blank stares in their eyes, the seduction of each person, the pleasure of senses being driven wild. I saw it all. He lit the fire on the stage with his voice, making love to each of us. I caught myself staring with them. I had to fight the urge to get caught up in him. It was his best show yet. His passion was explosive. I shuddered, imagining him between my thighs with that kind of power, and made the noise he always made me make.

  He finished the set and shouted into the crowd. “Good night and thank you for coming.” He didn’t say the North Dakota thing. Fear crept around inside of me. He didn’t want me strong. He wanted me malleable. He was done with me if I was taking a stand against him and being my own person. He wanted a weak girl to be his.

  My heart snapped as fears became facts, without any evidence really.

  I was serving drinks to a group of young college boys, when I felt a sweaty face pressed into my nape. My eyes widened but then I smiled. He kissed me and pointed at the bar. “I’ll be over there.” He grinned. “Why don’t you get me a beer.”

  I laughed and nodded.

  The guys at the table were either in awe or suddenly interested in me. I left them and grabbed him a beer. He smiled at me. “I’m sorry for the media shit, and the old roommate Facebook pictures, and the fact that I wasn’t there when you needed me. I won’t ever actually forgive myself for that. Danny told me that chick was kind of a snotty bitch, and that she’d tagged him and you in the pictures. I panicked when he got the notifications, and then I got home, and you were gone and my stuff was moved.”

  I shook my head. “I’m sorry I blamed you for the fact that I was becoming your groupie and not your girlfriend. It’s my fault, not yours.”

  He took my finger and slid the ring back on. I laughed. “I didn’t want to lose it.”

  He shook his head. “You’re making me lose it, I swear.” He pulled me in, kissing my cheek. “I never saw you as a groupie. I see your strength and your beauty. I always just see you.” I looked into his eyes and saw it too. I was still in there, even with the shiny hair.

  Chapter Fifteen

  What happens in New York…

  He was pacing the living room with whoever he was on the phone with. I was trying to study but he kept lifting his arms in the air, showing off the new tattoo he’d gotten on his lower abdomen. It dipped into his pants and made me want to touch it.

  I sighed, walked into my room, closed the door, and continued reading.

  He came in a few minutes later. “Can we do my parents’ at Thanksgiving and have your parents here for Christmas?”

  I frowned. “What?”

  He was leaving in two days for New York and the tickets were booked. He looked worried. I got off the bed, pulling his face down to mine and kissed him hard. “Yeah, of course. I’ll take care of switching the flights and shit.”

  “Okay, here.” He handed me his credit card.

  I kissed him. “Stop stressing, baby. You got this. New York is going to be amazing.”

  He looked stormy. “I want you there.”

  “No.”

  He didn’t return my kiss when I pressed my lips into his. I stroked his cheek. “Easy, beast, you can’t push me around anymore.”

  He struggled to look angry, but his lips curled into his sexy grin. “You sure about that?”

  I bit my lip and nodded. “Yup.”

  He shoved me lightly. I fell back onto the bed. He stood over me and pulled his shirt off. “I think I just did though.”

  I laughed as he dropped to his knees. I wrapped my legs around his waist and tried to sit up. He shoved me back down and lifted my shirt. He placed soft kisses on my belly button, as he undid my jeans. The door opened. “Hey, Er—” Danny stopped mid-sentence. “Oh fuck. I’ll never un-see that.” He turned and walked out.

  I laughed. Lochlan shook his head and kicked the door shut. “Knock, Danny.”

  Danny shouted from the hallway. “No, I’m good out here. Just wanted to mention that we gotta go.”

  Lochlan made a face. I sat up but he pushed me back down. “I need five minutes.”

  Danny groaned. “Gross dude, that’s my sister.”

  Lochlan grinned and ripped my pants off. He sucked his middle finger and slid it inside of me. I sat up on my elbows, the way he liked, and gasped, watching his finger move in and out of me. He flipped my shirt and bra up, releasing my breasts. He ran his hands over my body and rolled one of my nipples lightly. It made me tighten everywhere with the sensation. The base of his finger glistened. I was panting when he pulled it out, but I never expected him to flip me over. He licked up my back, kissing and biting lightly while grinding his erection on my ass cheeks. He stood behind me, lifting me up and arching my hips back. He inserted himself slowly. I’d never had him this way. He spread my legs more and pulled my ass back. Luckily, my face was in the covers when the weird sound he always made me make left my lips like tiny mewls. He bucked hard, making a loud moan replace the soft noises. He stopped and reached for his phone. He fiddled with it for a second, and then “Sail” by AWOLNATION started to play loudly to cover our noises. He moved slowly with the song at first, sliding in and out
of me, massaging my ass cheeks. He reached his hand around, stroking my clit, but still thrusting leisurely. I buried my face into my bed but he jerked me back up.

  The song ended and started again. He stopped rubbing my clit and increased his pace. He pumped hard, his balls replaced his finger, slapping against my clit. His body spanked against mine, and the vibration brought my climax fast.

  I struggled for breath as I came standing and bent over. I gripped his cock, forcing his orgasm. He fucked hard as he filled me up. I couldn’t stand any longer. I fell forward, bringing him with me. He lay beside me and kissed my nose. “I’ll see you in three days.”

  “I’ll miss you.”

  He laughed. “Just stay off the Internet and trust me, okay?”

  I nodded. He kissed me and climbed off the bed. I lay there, waiting for him to leave so that I could let pathetic, whiny Erin have her minute.

  I didn’t go on the Internet, but I did watch the live show. He was sexier on TV. It was frightening. It was his place. He deserved it, needed it, and earned every glorious second of it. Seeing him there, he wasn’t mine. He was a sexy guy who was rocking a stage and making everyone dance and shout, and wave their hands in the air.

  I saw it then, there were really two Lochlans. The one on the stage was there for everyone. He was fun, crazy, and inspiring to watch. It was amazing to see someone take their dream and make it fly with such skill and charm. He made you want to find your dream, be a success, live for the moment, and he made it look easy. His swagger and grace were beyond controllable.

  They were singing their bar song. It was the one that got the drinks flowing and the crowd feeling brotherly. It made me feel that way. Very indie and free. It was the song that had the most Tennessee in it. It was a Lochlan original.