My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  The bar was nice, for Grand Forks. I’d been to Big D’s in Fargo and it was the same. We sat in the booth and ate Danny’s fries. He scowled at me.

  I pulled my hand back before he stabbed it.

  Gerry gave me a worried look. “So, should I be scared? It feels a little like Deliverance country here.”

  I winced and gave Danny a look. Danny shrugged. “Probably.”

  Gerry didn’t look amused. I laughed. “You’re like the only gay guy here. You’re golden.”

  The bartender walked over with a picture. “You have to sign this for me, please. I almost had a stroke from the other side of the bar when I saw it was you guys.”

  I pointed. “Told you they would know who you were.”

  Lochlan sighed and signed it, sliding it over to Gerry. “Look man, we’re just trying to have an uneventful night out.”

  He winked. “Mums the word. I won’t say shit. Thanks guys. I’m a huge fan. I drove all the way to Boston to see you perform—twice.” He was glowing.

  Gerry smiled at him. “Thanks, man. We appreciate the support.”

  The bartender looked like he might hug them, but he turned and took the picture of the band back to the bar. He tacked it to the wall. I laughed and nodded. They never noticed he was doing it.

  Danny tapped his fingers against the wooden table. “So I was thinking that maybe, if we run a couple charity concerts to start you off with the humble U2 vibe, people would have that impression of you. It might help get them past Loch getting kicked off the show. You know, the bad boys of rock and roll are kind of over. Girls think it’s sexy when the lead singer has a puppy and hugs his grandma, ya know?”

  I was lost. Danny never said nearly intelligent stuff like that.

  Lochlan grinned at Gerry. “We have a gay drummer who is totally comfortable with his sexuality. We’re fine.”

  Gerry laughed. “Asshole. I’m not being the poster child for gay musicians. Elton John has that covered.”

  Danny gave them both a serious look. “I’m serious. You all need to decide which direction you want that to go. Me and Lenny and Vic were talking about it. I want to maintain this positive type of public perception.”

  I pointed. “Are you working for them?”

  Danny beamed. “Yeah.” He said it like it was obvious, like I should have known it.

  I looked at Lochlan. He shrugged. “He was right about the dramatic pauses. The intensity of the show was upped. The lights on the crowd only—he has good ideas.”

  Gerry nudged him in the booth. “And he’s cute.”

  Danny blushed. “Anyway, you want AIDS or kids in Africa, Romanian orphans, or what?”

  Lochlan sighed. “Why don’t Vic and Lenny decide? They started Thin Ice.”

  Gerry looked confused too.

  Danny drummed his fingers against the table. “Lenny has kids and a wife. He wants to take a serious back seat in all of this. He didn’t start the band and was never comfortable with a leadership role. That was Harris’ job, and Lenny doesn’t want it.”

  Gerry nodded. “It is typically something the front man would control.”

  “What about Vic?”

  Gerry looked at Lochlan and shook his head. “He never wanted this. He liked it being a small Boston band. He’s starting a company and leaving the band. He’s going to tell you all when we get back. He emailed me yesterday. It’s too big.”

  Lochlan looked upset. “Is it me?”

  Gerry shook his head. “No way, man. You’ve been the best thing that ever happened to Thin Ice. Me and Mike want this to be big. We hunted you for a reason. If we have to just hire a keyboard and guitar, then so be it. Drums, singer, bass, and one guitar are the most important anyway.”

  Lochlan looked stressed. My buzz was killed. I sipped my glass of red and looked around the bar. A girl waved at me from across the dance floor. I smiled and pushed Lochlan. “Let me out.”

  He looked confused but climbed out. I kissed his cheek. “Be back in a minute.” The shoptalk was boring, and somehow I felt like I might be to blame. Lochlan had been moody since he met me. I pushed it to the back of my mind and ran to the girl across the bar. “Serena, hey.”

  She had been my roommate for the months I was at the dorms. She was an ‘it girl’—popular and slightly mean. She had been in love with my brother, thank God. It earned me a place in her world. I never had to worry about being bullied or tortured. I was Serena’s friend.

  I wrapped my arms around her. She seemed thinner than before.

  “How are you?” she smiled.

  I shrugged. “Good. Law school in Boston. How are things with you?”

  She looked around the bar. “Same old. I’m a project manager for a construction company.” I assumed it was her dad’s, but I didn’t say that.

  “That’s great.”

  She tilted her head. “I’ve never seen you let your hair go curly like that. You always did the sleek look.”

  I grabbed a curl. “Oh yeah.” I sounded like I was from North Dakota. I cleared my throat. “My boyfriend likes it curly.”

  She glanced at the table of good-looking guys I’d just left. “Is that your boyfriend?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “He looks like that guy from that America’s Most Talented Stars.”

  I laughed. “Yeah.”

  “So he tells you how to wear your hair?” It was a shitty thing to say and my face made her backpedal. “I mean it’s just weird. You were always so strong and never cared what people thought. You were independent and free. I always thought that was so cool.” She used the term like that part of me was long gone.

  I nodded. “I still am.”

  Her pretty face got serious. “How’s Danny?” I was grateful for the change in subject.

  I wanted to say awesome, he’d just landed his dream job, and was happy like he’d never been. Instead I shrugged. “You know Danny.”

  Her eyes got lost in thought for a second. “That I do.” She snapped out of it and became the blonde, tanned, queen of the mean. “So . . . law school. That always was the dream, wasn’t it?” Her tone was patronizing.

  I ignored it. “Yes, it was. I’m pretty excited.”

  She smiled. “I’m really happy for you.”

  “Thanks. I’m happy for you too.”

  Her glossy lips stayed frozen in her fake smile. “It’s great we’re both doing so well.” I caught her gaze traveling to the table again. “Say hi to Danny for me.”

  “I will. Anyway, I have to go to the bathroom. It’s good to see you.”

  She smiled. “Yeah, you too.” I hugged her again and walked away. “See you around.”

  She waved. A pop song started to play really loudly. It had hit eleven, the magic dancing hour. The lights dimmed as the dance floor started to get crowded. I walked to the bathroom, weaving through the crowd.

  The bathroom was nearly empty. I washed my hands and looked at myself. I looked different. I felt different. The way I’d gushed about law school felt fake, like what I wanted to gush about was Lochlan. I wanted her to know I was dating him. It was for petty reasons. The other girls left in a pack. I’d never had a pack. I’d never had female friendships that I’d actually maintained.

  I walked out of the ladies’ washroom, stopped cold by the stare bearing down on me.

  I slipped my hand into my pocket. It wasn’t there. Mitch was there but my mace wasn’t.

  My throat closed. I backed into the washroom, choosing the wrong place to flee. He didn’t chase me. He walked slowly, methodically, as if he’d imagined this moment a thousand times. He closed the door, slipping the lock into place. I was back against the far side of the wall. My breath was stuck—my scream was behind it.

  His brown eyes looked crazier than I remembered them being. He pointed at me. “I missed you.”

  Tears fell from my eyes. “Mitch, please.”

  He laughed. “You going to hold out that piece of paper you got to stop me from seeing you?”


  I shook my head as the tears streamed down my face. “No. I swear. I’ll leave and never come back. I promise.”

  His face grew angry, like it had before. “Why would I want you to leave? We’re just getting reunited.” How was he out already? Why had no one told me?

  My back was pressed against the wall. With my eyes closed, I could see my mace on the bedside table, where I’d left it. Lochlan gave me a false sense of security. Even he couldn’t protect me. I needed my mace, I needed to protect myself.

  I jumped into a stall, slamming the door and locking it. My hands shook as hard as the door that he pounded the shit out of. I dialed Lochlan’s cell. It rang and rang, but went to voicemail. The door bent. I could see the screws were getting ripped out. I screamed. “HELP ME!”

  “HOW COULD YOU, ERIN? HOW COULD YOU FUCK HIM? YOU THINK I DIDN’T SEE YOUR SLUT FACE ALL OVER THE BLOG SITES? YOU LET HIM SHAME YOU, LIKE A WHORE!”

  I closed my eyes and redialed. It went to voicemail again. I spoke into the phone. “I’m in the bathroom. Help me.” I hung up and texted, ‘I’m in the bathroom, he’s here.’

  I was dialing 9-1-1 when he kicked the door in completely, knocking me onto the toilet. I slid the phone along the floor, as he grabbed my arm and dragged me out over the broken door. He slammed me into the counter. I screamed but he hit me hard. I was scratching and flailing, but his hands were everywhere. He held my arms to the floor and sat on my stomach.

  “You and me are meant to be together, Erin. I love you. I always loved you.”

  I shook my head. “Please, stop.”

  “I LOVE YOU! YOU UNGRATEFUL BITCH!”

  “I know. I love you too. Let’s just go out to the car. I don’t want to be in the bathroom anymore. Please.” I pleaded through the tears. “I love you too.”

  He didn’t buy it, but he looked like he wanted to. He snorted. “Not yet, you don’t, but you will.” He ripped at my shirt. I screamed again. “HELP ME! I’M AT BIG D’S, HELP ME!” I screamed in case I was connected to 9-1-1.

  I heard a bang and screaming. The lock turned and the door flung open. There was a series of flashes and movements. I saw the tattooed arm around Mitch’s throat. Mitch was ripped off me and tossed. I jumped up, leaping into Lochlan’s arms, wrapping myself around him, getting between him and Mitch. I whispered. “Don’t—baby, don’t hurt him. He’s not worth it.”

  I made sure my face was pressed into his neck so he couldn’t see the blood I could taste in my mouth. I looked at Danny. “GET HIM THE HELL OUT OF HERE!”

  Danny ignored me and grabbed Mitch. He punched him and kicked him. “YOU FUCKING TOUCH HER, I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL KILL YOU, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Mitch was lifting a foot off the ground with every boot. Danny grabbed him and started to punch him again. I screamed. “STOP!” I pushed Lochlan out into the hallway. Gerry grabbed Lochlan by the arm, dragging him back. I pulled Danny off Mitch as the bouncers made their way in. One grabbed Danny and tossed him. I pressed myself against Danny, pinning him as best I could to the wall. He was vibrating and massive. I wouldn’t stand much of a chance holding him back.

  “He’s not worth it. Think of the press.”

  Danny shouted. “You get him the fuck outta my face or I’ll finish this shit! You fucking come near my sister again and I’ll ki—” I slapped my hand over his mouth.

  I turned to the bouncer who winced when he looked at my swollen face. “I’m going to take them all out the back and wait for the police there. Take him out the front and tell some cops to come to the back. Don’t tell anyone else we went that way.”

  He nodded, pinning Mitch to the floor. He was screaming at me, but I didn’t hear him. All I saw was the psycho in the hallway being pinned by four bouncers and Gerry. He was winning against the other five men.

  I walked slowly to Lochlan with my hands out like I was approaching a beast for real. I grabbed his face and focused his crazy eyes on mine. “I’m okay!”

  He saw my face and jerked with rage, but I squeezed hard. “Stop. Think about the band, and the press, and the fact that if you kill him, I’ll miss you while you’re in jail. I need you to stay with me. Don’t leave me.”

  He was shaking with savage fury, but he stopped fighting the bouncers.

  I looked at the corn-fed guy next to me. “Take him out back—fast.” They dragged him down the hall. I followed, dragging Danny with me. Gerry wrapped an arm around me. “You okay?”

  I shook my head. “Nope, but let’s worry about that later.”

  We stood out in the cool night air. It felt like it would snow any second. Lochlan was wrapped around me, completely. The bouncers stayed with us, guarding the back door.

  “I need to kill him.”

  I nodded. “I know.”

  He lifted my face, but I pushed it down into his chest again. “Just wait, babe. The ambulance will come and clean me up, and you’ll be better. Don’t look.”

  Gerry grabbed Danny’s arm and dragged him over to Lochlan. “You both need to stay calm. Erin is okay, and douche-bag psycho is with the bouncers. The cops will be here any second. Let’s stay calm. This is probably going to hit the press if anyone finds out who we are.” He grabbed Danny’s crazed-looking face. “You have to give the statement, do you understand? If you want to be the manager, you have to talk to the press if they come.”

  I was confused. “There isn’t really, like, press here. It’s North Dakota.”

  He gave me a look. I got that he was using it as a means to calm them down.

  A police car came around the corner, all lit up. The pair of them got out and ran toward us.

  I sighed with relief when I saw them. We gave our statements. Of course they’d heard of the case a few years before, with Mitch and me. Lochlan didn’t even want to let me go to give my statement, but they needed pictures of my face, arms, and shirt.

  Dad’s truck pulled in behind the cop car. He came running over. I started to cry when I saw him. He wrapped around me. “Shhhh. Baby girl, that boy is going away for a long time.” He stroked my head and helped me to the ambulance.

  The young cop gave me a weak smile. “If it makes you feel any better, he got his ass handed to him by the bouncers. You know how men are in Grand Forks about women getting hit.”

  I frowned. “It doesn’t make me feel better. He’s a sick man—you need to put him in an institution.”

  My dad shook his head. “He’s not getting the cushy insanity plea. Fuck that. He’s serving maximum time in a maximum facility. I’ll make sure—I know the judge.”

  The cop winked at my dad. “We’ll make sure he resists arrest.” He turned and left. I felt sick. I looked at my dad. “That’s illegal.” Did I honestly care about my attacker being beaten? I knew the answer. I did care.

  His eyes were frightening. “The justice system doesn’t always touch the right spot. Sometimes you need to be outside of the system a little to make sure someone pays.”

  I was confused; my father always seemed so just. He was an honest lawyer with a strict conscience.

  His look softened. “When you have kids and they get hurt, God forbid it, you’ll know how this feels. I would break every law in the world to make you safe.”

  I nestled into his chest and tried to forget the way Mitch’s eyes had looked.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Remember me

  The flight home was uncomfortable. I was stressed about flying but so exhausted, I couldn’t give it the effort it wanted. Every time I fell asleep, I relived the scene in the bathroom. So I stayed awake and listened as the flight attendants basically offered everything from crackers to a blowjob. Lochlan was in the worst mood ever. I was wearing a pound of makeup and sunglasses to hide the fading black eye. I leaned over to Lochlan. “You know, being with you all and wearing these glasses, I look like a junky groupie.”

  He gave me a fake smile.

  I sighed. “Can you calm down, please? You aren’t the one who got beat up, so you have no right to be this shitty about
it.”

  He looked sick. It was wearing thin on me. I sighed, laid my seat back, and ignored the world.

  When we got home, he had to run off and deal with the band business. I was forbidden to leave the apartment, and he’d called three times already to check on me.

  I pulled my laptop out and started to check out my emails and random stuff. I had notifications about being tagged in pictures. I clicked the link. My hand shot to my face. Serena and the mean girls had tagged me in about ten photos. Each one was Lochlan and Gerry and the girls. I leaned forward, zooming in to see that as Lochlan was signing Serena’s breasts, his phone was lit up. I could see the word PRINCESS on it from the angle the shot was taken.

  My stomach sank. He was signing boobs, and I was being assaulted. It made me think about the thing Mitch had said about my pictures with Lochlan on the net.

  I Googled Lochlan Barlow and clicked images. I sat there in the weak moment and scrolled down, one after another of him signing, kissing, and rocking the crowd.

  I knew they existed, I knew how it was. I had no right to be angry. I wanted to stop looking, but it was impossible. I Googled Lochlan Barlow Girlfriend. The images filled the screen. Me, with no makeup, out for a sweaty run. The blogger actually had the decency to add “Must be able to suck a watermelon through a garden hose to land a hottie bad boy like Lochlan” and then pasted perfect pictures of him everywhere else. He was posing and dressed nicely, for him. I never considered myself to be a self-absorbed spoiled brat who focused entirely on vanity and materialistic things, until that moment. It was then that I realized how disturbed I was that they hadn’t gotten even ONE cute picture of me. WTF? How was it possible my picture was everywhere, but there wasn't a single cute one? Was I so hideous? Why did I have dubs in every picture? It was like they waited for me to be looking down, sticking my double chin out and my eyes to flutter before they took the photo. Unless they caught me eating. Picture after picture after picture.

  Air got harder to breathe all the way into my chest, as the pictures got worse. Me eating in my bathing suit at the pool of my parents’ country club, when I was fifteen and sort of chubby that summer, when puberty really hit; me eating a whole sub in a window of a deli; me screaming at Loch in an alley; me eating an entire pizza and rubbing my belly, my stomach hanging out a little bit as we left a restaurant with a caption that said “Lochlan trapped by pregnancy”. I gagged. There were few pictures that looked nice. Mostly they were hideous. I Googled my name, Erin Benson. But every page that came up was Lochlan Barlow’s girlfriend, Erin Benson.