My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  His eyes were dead and his face didn't change when he spoke, “I don't want to be with you anymore. This isn’t working for me.”

  I actually felt a crack inside of my chest when I looked up at him. “I always saw you as so brave and strong. You overcame so many things and saved that Andrew guy.” I nodded. “You had me fooled. I have to give it to you. I always believed you were the better one. I thought that I wasn’t worthy, because I couldn’t shine as bright as you. But now I see what this is. I tell you I love you and the chase is over, isn’t it? All along I thought I was chasing after you, but this was a game all along for you. And now that I told you I love you, that's it, isn’t it?” I turned to leave but he grabbed my arm and spun me.

  He looked desperate and angry. “I need this. I need you gone. I don't want to be with you.”

  I shoved him, ripping the mace from my dress pocket and holding it out. “YOU DON’T GET TO TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN!” I pulled my other arm free and wiped my face. “I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!” I took a deep breath and calmed my fury, as I backed up with my mace still out. “I hate you, Lochlan Barlow. I hate you.”

  I turned and left the yard. I ran as fast as I could to Gerry’s house. I knocked on the door. Gerry answered, his face broke. He wrapped around me, but I shook my head. “I just need a ride to the airport and my shit from Judith’s.”

  Danny looked psycho. I pointed at him. “You stay here. You get it under control. I’m your sister first, and this is the best you there has ever been. So you stay and make it work with him. You make it work.”

  He looked sick. I looked at Mike. “Get Danny drunk and don’t let him go to Judith’s. Don’t let him fight with Loch about this. I don't ever want to be the girl who broke up Thin Ice. I have enough bad press. I just want this over and Judith doesn't need more stress.”

  Danny hugged me. “He’s just sad, Er. He doesn't know what he’s doing.”

  I smiled and hugged Mike, not caring. I was done. I had been on the ride long enough. “Just be the awesome band you are and keep doing great stuff.”

  I walked with Gerry back toward Lochlan’s. He didn't talk so I asked the thing I needed to know. “How did you know?”

  He gave me a sideways look. “I could see it on him. He was shutting you out. I’ve played those cards before.”

  We got close. I stopped. “I’ll wait here.”

  He nodded weakly.

  It was Alex who came in his BMW. I shook my head. “You need to be with your family.”

  He laughed. “I’m going to strangle my idiot of a brother if I stay there another minute. So get in and stop being a pain in the ass.”

  I relented when I saw Lochlan running toward us and climbed in. I ignored his screams and his face as we drove past him.

  “I called and booked your flight for you. I imagine this has cost you a lot of money.”

  I gave him a disgusted look. “I don’t want anything from you.”

  He looked hurt. “I may look like him but I’m not him.” His jaw trembled. “He’s doing this, pushing you away, because—”

  I put a hand out. “Stop. He’s a big boy, and he’s made his choice. He has to live with it. I am done with him. I feel sad for your mom, because she will worry about him. I just hope he keeps his bad behavior to other locations and doesn't hurt her.”

  He snorted. “Stop acting like you’re just worried about my mom. I know you’re both so selfish, it’s insane. You can’t see that he’s trying to spare you, and he can’t see how much he’s hurting you.”

  I looked at him with daggers. “Spare me from what? Being part of his life? Dealing with the awful things that happen to people? Screw that. He asked me to marry him. That would mean good times and bad. You know how close I was to saying yes? Had he asked a second time, it would have been a yes. I am against marriage and giving up your life for another person. It was bred into me. I think being in love at twenty-four is ridiculous, and now I have him to thank for proving me right. It is a joke. I am a joke. He has made me a joke. But for him, I would give it all up, my dreams and my beliefs. I already had my email written to school, telling them I wouldn’t be returning because Judith needed me and so he could go on the road. Don’t you dare call me selfish. Screw you. You’re selfish, you and Lissie. You should have quit dental school and helped take care of her and Lissie too. She should have stayed a substitute but she didn’t. Your poor father worked himself to death, trying to keep her comfortable and alive. Only Loch stayed and took care of her, you two took care of yourselves. Don’t call us selfish.”

  He nodded. “I didn’t know any of that. I just thought this was you running away again. You do that a lot.”

  “Everyone has flaws. I’m a runner, whatever. But not this time. This time it’s him pushing me away.” I bit my lip. I could feel the tears welling.

  “You can’t just wait it out? Wait for him to come to his senses and get past his grief? He’s better with you.”

  I was astonished by the question. “He’s pushing me away in the moment you’re supposed to let the special person in your life in. I’m supposed to help him through this. You expect what from me—to beg him to let me stay after he just made out with his ex-girlfriend on TV? He’s humiliated me in every way possible, and I don't know what else I am supposed to do to prove I love him. I’ve flown a billion times even though I hate flying, I’m flat broke, and now in front of our friends and families, he has flat out told me I’m not enough. I have just a smidge more pride than that. I’m sorry for your mom and your loss, and the fact my relationship is so immature. I had no idea we were so petty until it was too late. But I’m done.”

  “No, I’m sorry.”

  I looked out the window. “It doesn’t matter anyway. He isn’t ever going to be able to juggle Judith, his career, and a relationship. Something had to give, and obviously I was the thing he loved the least of those three. And I should be. There is nothing spectacular about me.”

  He looked like he was going to say something but he didn’t.

  I hugged him when we got to the airport. “I’m sorry I said that about you and Lissie. I don’t believe that. I think you did exactly what Al would have wanted you to do. He was so proud of all three of you.”

  He nodded. “Thank you. I want you to know there is something very spectacular about you. Quite a few something’s actually. And I’m sorry I called you selfish.”

  I shook my head. “I am. If I write her letters, will you help her read them?”

  He started to cry and nodded.

  I didn’t cry. I kissed his cheek and left dry-eyed. I was done crying for all of them. Well, except Judith. I would visit her on spring break and I would cry. There was no doubt about it. I would just make sure he was gone on a concert or something.

  I took a deep breath and prepared for my flight, another one alone and scared. That would be fun to add to my broken heart.

  Chapter Twenty

  When we were young

  “Erin, I really think you should consider coming to our firm for the summer practicum. I’m recommending you.” His smug face made me angry. He was so full of himself. I used to think rock stars were the egotistical men of the world. . . . Matthew Price was the example of how wrong I was to assume they owned the franchise. He was suave, handsome, and a complete tool.

  A tool I smiled at, with all my heart. It had been four months since he had started coming to speak at the school in Dean’s classes. He was a partner in a successful corporate law firm. I had once wanted to put away bad guys. That dream died when the other me died—the me that believed I could date the lead singer of a famous band. Cold-hearted corporate law suited me the most now.

  I nodded. “Thank you, Mr. Price. I was thinking of it. Dean has told me all about it.” Dean gave me a look and twitched his head no. I smiled at him. “He speaks very highly of you.”

  Dean laughed and patted Mr. Price on the back. “Yes, well . . . we are old friends.”

  Matthew scoffed. “Speak for
yourself—I am in my prime.” He crossed his arms and gave Dean a serious look. “You will ensure she ends up in my hands, won’t you?”

  Dean swallowed. “Well, we have some excellent placements for students. I’m sure she will pick your office, but you never know.”

  I smiled. “Of course, I will. If you’ll have me.” I regretted the words as I said them. I watched Matthew’s face change to that of a wolf and Dean’s eyes darkened with a furrow. I stammered. “I-I-I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of great candidates, but your firm interests me the most.”

  He nodded. “Excellent. We will be in touch at the end of May.” He smiled at Dean. “We need to meet up for some racquet ball.”

  Dean nodded. “Yes, that would be lovely.”

  Matthew took my hand in his. “Until we meet again.” He delicately stroked his fingers along mine and walked me away. “I would love to take you out to dinner sometime. We could talk cases or just talk. If you want any help at all in classes, I’m sure I can be of service to you.” He kissed my hand and walked away.

  I gave Dean a look as the classroom emptied. “He’s so creepy, but I want that job.”

  He shook his head, looking around nervously. “I forbid it. He is so much worse than creepy.”

  I laughed and handed in my paper with a smug look. Dean shook his head. “I liked you better when you were struggling.”

  I laughed. “I liked you better when I still had a faint hope that you were straight, and possibly going to hit on me.”

  He whacked me on the head with a paper and pointed. “Go, smart ass. I’ll see you in an hour for coffee?”

  I nodded.

  Dean was the only old piece left of the old me, him and the apartment. I wasn’t leaving the apartment though—they were impossible to find. But I did take my chance to finally make it mine. I boxed up the asshole’s shit and burned his sheets and mailed the boxes to Nashville . . . C.O.D. Then I went out and I bought new sheets and made the room pretty. I contemplated a roommate, but he refused to take his name off the lease and still paid rent. He was impossible.

  I stopped by my apartment to check the mail. I scowled when I saw a letter from him. I didn't open it, just put it back in the mail slot. I wanted to cut myself and write ‘wrong address’ in blood, but that seemed a bit extreme. God, how I still hated him. I still had the ashes from his sheets. I had fought with myself over mailing them to him, but the idea of Judith getting an envelope of ashes from the dirty bed was too traumatic.

  He had sent emails, candygrams, Instagrams, Tweets, Facebook messages, letters, and God knew what else. The Tweets and Facebook were my fave. I loved the responses I got from his fans, calling me a hateful, cold-hearted bitch for not taking him back. Like he was the victim in it all. I couldn't win with those people. I loved how everyone in the world saw me as a sad little girl who couldn’t get over his kissing his ex on TV. I was a sad little bitch for not being able to forgive him.

  The world knew more about my relationship with him than I did. Apparently, I had slept with the entire band and had had a drug problem.

  No one knew what had caused the breakup so they speculated—it was more fun.

  Even turning my Facebook and Twitter to private didn't help. I ended up deleting them altogether.

  My only saving grace beyond Dean was the white envelope I was holding in my hands. It made me smile.

  January and February in Boston were cold, but March was worse. April was turning out to be an even more painful month. The weather never warmed at all. My heart was colder as the time went on too. I was quickly becoming the stone fox I needed to be. Thanks to the boy I never spoke of anymore, my womanly wiles were found. I used them to manipulate like a boss. Even Dean was ashamed of me most days. I had conned, like a true law student, my way up into the top marks. Pleading my case and manipulating, based on emotions and research done on professors. It was shallow and callus.

  But my life looked the way it should have, as if he had never walked into it. The apartment looked the way I had always wanted it to. It was clean, white, and shiny, like my straight hair. When I looked in the mirror, I didn’t see myself in my eyes. I saw a girl who scared me, but that was good for the job I wanted to have. Corporate law was not something to waver over, it was cutthroat.

  Was the job ever going to be enough? I didn’t know that for sure anymore. I didn't know if I could live without that kind of love, that passionate love. Maybe because it was first love. Maybe because he had saved me in so many ways, as much as he had ruined me. It would never be enough to make me forget being with him. There was never going to be anything that was enough to fill the void. Nothing could compare to him. I knew one thing, I would never be able to have a mediocre love again. I would never be able to have mediocre sex. I would always want the same passion.

  I had truly loved him more than myself, maybe from the day I met him. It was just a pity I never fully realized it until after he’d pushed me away. I regretted the time I’d spent running from him. It could have been so much better spent.

  I sat in the chair at Starbucks and sipped my coffee.

  Dean came in smiling. “How are you since I last saw you fawning over Mr. Price?”

  I grinned. “Good. I’m taking that summer term if I get it. Anyway, enough of that. I got a letter from Judith today, well Gerry translated it for her. He said we had to read it together.” I pulled the white envelope that made me smile from my purse and laid it down. Dean lifted it and smelled it. He smiled. “Still wearing Dirty English.”

  I laughed. “It probably reminds him of you.”

  He stuck his tongue out. His accent was so faded, no one ever really noticed it. I certainly hadn’t, until we got drunk on New Year’s. I honestly never realized he was actually English.

  On New Year’s Dean had saved my life. Gerry had sent him over to rescue me after I spent Christmas alone. It had been a dark day. I had been ready to board my flight home when I discovered that Danny wasn’t going home alone. My father let it slip that they had hoped ‘we’ would be able to patch things up over Christmas. I knew what that meant—who that meant.

  I’d already had a bad feeling Danny might bring the one person I couldn’t see—wouldn't see. As soon as my father said that, I knew Danny had brought him. When I cancelled, Danny ratted me out to Gerry for not going to North Dakota. Gerry had to be with his family in Seattle and hadn’t been able to come to my rescue, so he sent the next best thing. Dean took me to a gay and lesbian bar, and I could truly say I’d had a blast. It was a drag queen pageant, and I was over the moon to be part of it.

  Dean gave me an odd look. “Where were you just now? I was talking and you weren’t listening. You do that a lot now.”

  I shook my head. “Just lost for a second.”

  “Want me to read it?”

  I nodded and sipped my caramel macchiato.

  He opened it, smelling it once more, and began to read.

  “Dearest, we miss you more than anything. The boys miss you. All of them.” He stopped and smiled knowingly. I remained stoic. He took the hint and continued. “When I was young and in love, I wanted to be a flight attendant. I even went to school for it. I met Al at the airport the day we were given our assignments. I got New York. I had done well. Al asked me out and I agreed. I never expected to love him immediately. He was charming and slightly crazy as all controllers were. He begged me to stay with him and see where we could go with our relationship. I turned him down, chasing my dreams. He showed up in New York a few weeks later, begging me to come home. I saw the look in those eyes. They got so intense and frightened when faced with the possibility of losing me. I switched with a girl in Nashville and took the lesser posting. I have never regretted that decision. He knew from the minute he met me. It took me longer to see, but he always knew. I am writing you from my new home. Gerry and Alex helped me move here. Lissie is convincing Lochlan it is a good idea. You see, I never cared about being home after the stroke; I only cared about being where Al was
. He was my home.” Dean stopped reading and fanned his damp eyes with the letter. “Oh wow.”

  I held my stiff upper lip until I saw the tear slip from his eye. We dabbed our eyes. Dean’s voice broke as he read. “I am happy to be in a home so my children can live their lives and find love and happiness for themselves. No parent wants to be a burden. My children are brilliant and beautiful, and it’s just like you said: they love each love in their own special way. I am glad that Lochlan found you, and I hope to God that he will earn his way back into your heart one day. Thank you for seeing him and being his shelter.” Dean stopped. “I can’t do this here.”

  I sobbed into my napkin and laughed. “Jesus Christ. She is the queen of manipulation. She’s doing that from a wheelchair with a blinking letter.”

  He put the letter down. “Wow, that was bad. She is good. Don’t you agree?”

  I shrugged. “I need to worry about me. I can’t fall into that trap again.”

  He sipped his coffee and wiped his eyes again. “Oh, I don’t know. I think you might, if given the right opportunity.”

  I sneered at him. “Worry about your own backyard. You forget your boyfriend is hanging with Satan’s gay twin.”

  He shrugged and played with the smile crossing his lips. “I trust Gerry.” His eyes narrowed. “Stop being such a bitch. Besides, Alex is dating someone, praise Allah.”

  I leaned forward. “You are Muslim and what? When did that happen?” I snatched the letter, skipping the rest of the part that was Judith’s diction, and went to the mushy shit intended for Dean. I gasped. “Alex is dating his dental hygienist, oh my God. I wonder if he’s hot? Two gay hot guys is a bit of a fantasy of mine. Have you read the Cut and Run series? Male gay romance, very spicy.”

  “You are a pervert.” He smiled. “I won’t lie. That makes me feel better that Alex is seeing someone.”

  I laughed. “It should. Alex got all the good things in the womb. He is the perfect version of you-know-who.”