My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  He swatted me. “Stop.”

  I laughed and began to finish my coffee. I swallowed, seeing how badly my hand was shaking and put it down.

  He nodded. “Going back to the letter, Judith’s right. Love is love. I used to think love could be found anywhere. I see now though, I was wrong. If Gerry didn’t love me anymore, I think I would die inside.”

  My tears started again. I knew that death.

  He gripped my hands. “There is no letting go once you find it and it’s real. There is no set amount of time it takes to see it either.” He pulled a ring from his jacket.

  I gasped, putting my hands to my mouth.

  “I’m sorry if this is bad timing on your broken heart, my love, but mine is so full that I can’t contain it. I’m going to ask him to be mine.”

  I smiled. “Oh my God, Dean. I’m so sorry for joking about Alex.” I gripped his hands and cried the first good tears I’d cried in ages. Gerry was so lucky, so lucky I just said it. “He’s so lucky to have you. I meant nothing by teasing you.”

  He laughed. “It was perfect timing for some delicious irony.” His eyes twinkled. “Do you think he’ll say yes?”

  I shook my head. “I think he’ll say I do.”

  He blushed. “I am very excited they’re home this week. I’m going to ask tomorrow night. Will you go to the show with me?”

  I gulped. “Thin Ice is playing this week?” Of course, I knew that.

  “Yes.”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  He pulled two backstage passes. “Yes, you are. Danny, Gerry, and Mike want to see you. I will need moral support for my huge, life-altering decision. You will come and be my bestie. Stop acting like you lost Gerry and Mike as the kids in the divorce. They’re as devastated as you are.”

  “I’m not devastated. I’m happy.”

  “You feel strong and healed then?” He was mocking me.

  I sighed. “I feel as good as I can. My heart was broken, I can’t deny that. But I chose to move on and so has he, so there you have it.”

  “Then you should be strong enough to be near him. I mean, if you’re healed enough and he’s moved on.”

  “Not even funny. Don’t you think one manipulation a day is enough?”

  He shook his head. “No, and I feel like the second one is always the more effective one.”

  I stuck my tongue out at him. “Fine, pick me up before.”

  “You’re sort of bad at the whole hag thing. I’m proposing in a country where gay marriage is not entirely legal. You need to be more fun and supportive. You need to be more into shopping and having fun. You’re all about the school work and the deadlines now.”

  “Well, you should be into checking out hot, young men and going to gay bars with me, and instead, you are marrying the best man I know.”

  He snorted. “Thanks, I’ve had my share of Y.M.C.A.”

  I laughed and sighed.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Full Circle

  He got there early the day of the show. I was miserable, trying to stuff my considerably bigger breasts into my push-up bra. He leaned on the door of the bathroom and sighed. “I thought women lost weight when they were stressed.”

  I scowled. “It’s my winter weight. I gain it every winter and lose it every spring. It’s from the lack of running.”

  “It’s spring, fatty, and this is from the whole coconut-cream pie you bought at that scary-ass restaurant you made me take you to last week. Did you, or did you not, eat the entire pie?”

  I moaned. “I’m not going. I don’t fit anything. I can’t see him and look horrid. I do look fat, don’t I?”

  He rolled his eyes. “It’s ten pounds, and it’s all tits and ass. It’s not even fair how much you look like Selma Hayek now. Put on a dress. It’ll hide the weight.”

  “You find something—I have to powder my face again. I’m blotchy.” I looked like a stressed-out mess. I sat on the toilet, trying to find my Zen. I’d started taking hot yoga when the depressive blanket of fog landed on Boston and rained snow and sleet down on us for months. The heat made me feel better and finding my Zen had become a sort of pursuit for me.

  He came back with a gleam in his eye. “This is perfect. It’ll show off the new tattoo.”

  I looked at it and drummed my fingers against the counter. I pulled off my push-up bra and slid the backless halter dress on. I turned to see my new tattoo. It was a harmony flower. The petals were made from hearts. I’d seen it at the yoga studio. It was to draw harmony into my life. I didn’t want anyone thinking it was for him. It wasn’t. It was for me. The tattoo sat on my left ribs, close to my heart. No one would ever see it, unless I wore a backless dress like the one I was wearing. I looked in the mirror. The brown dress sat a bit short compared to before. My larger butt lifted it a bit. “Is it obscene?”

  He smiled. “It’s perfect. You look stunning. I would molest you if tits and ass were my thing.”

  I smacked his arm. “Stop saying that.”

  The front hung in baggy ripples, preventing anyone from being able to see my nipples, but the side-boob made it obvious I was not wearing even a silicone cup. The dress sat just below my butt cheeks. I shook my head. “I can’t do it.” My entire back was exposed. I would never make it.

  He grabbed my hand and dragged me from the house. He grabbed my purse on the way and locked the door. I stood there. “Seriously, I can’t do it.”

  “See him or the dress?”

  I shook my head. “Both—neither.”

  He laughed and flipped me over his shoulder. “Let’s go. You’ll make him pay in this. Trust me, he’ll suffer. He deserves that, at least a bit.”

  I wiggled. “Put me down. My underwear is showing.”

  “You’re wearing cotton jockeys; no one is going to look at your granny panties.”

  I laughed and suffered through the ride down the stairs. He stopped part way. “Whew, that ten pounds is feeling more like forty.”

  I smacked him. “I weighed this morning. It was only ten. This dress is a six. That’s only fat if you’re making the mistake of shopping at Abercrombie and Fitch.”

  He laughed. “Imagine the legal damage control after that.”

  I chuckled as he placed me on the street and dragged me to his car. I was instantly freezing. “I need a coat.”

  He rolled his eyes. “It’s going to be a thousand degrees in there. Stop being such a whiny bitch. It’s spring.”

  “Repeating a thing doesn't make it true. It’s still cold as hell here.” I snarled as he drove off.

  He was giddy, Gerry had been in town for a day so far. That always meant Dean was excitable.

  “Lise is going to be in the front row,” he mentioned.

  “Good. I might need to go hang with her.”

  He nudged me. “Backstage is going to be incredible. You’ll have fun if you let your hair down.”

  “I don’t think that’s going to help.”

  I took a deep breath and remembered I was strong and confident, and Asshole Barlow didn’t stand a chance at making me doubt that. I was fabulous. I wished I could repeat IT and make it so.

  He parked in the restricted spot and put something in his window. He got out and came and dragged me from the car, holding my hand the whole way. I tried to ignore that my hands were sweating all over his. He walked up to a bouncer and handed him the tickets and a paper. He opened the door and handed us both a pass. I wrapped mine around my wrist and walked in.

  It was dark and everything was black. People, also dressed in black, were bustling and going crazy. It was their first show at The Bank of America Pavilion. It was a huge deal. I was excited for them and hating that I cared.

  Danny came running up. He looked so different that I hardly knew him. He was dressed in business casual and looking respectable. He had brushed his hair even. It brought an instant smile to my lips. He ran and scooped me into his arms.

  “Who’s the hottie, Danny boy?” Some guy smiled down on us.<
br />
  Danny spun me around. “Leon, this is my little sister, Erin.”

  When Danny set me down, I noticed the dimply smile of a dark-haired, tall drink of water, Leon. He put a hand out and flashed me the ‘I’m with the band’ smile. “I’m Leon.”

  “I gathered.” My heart beat a mile a minute. Status checks inside of me were revealing that I was still a groupie, and now I was even dressed like one.

  He glanced at Danny. “She doesn’t look so little.”

  I scowled as Dean nudged me. Danny stepped in front of me. “She’s off-limits to the band.”

  I waved at him as Dean dragged me off. “Bye, Leon.” Gerry mauled me when I got to where he was talking to someone. He shrieked and attacked me and Dean. “My two favorite people in the whole world.” He pulled back. “What—Danny has to dress nice, so you decide to take his place as the family whore?”

  I clenched my jaw.

  Dean looked hurt. “Hey, I picked that out.”

  Gerry gave him a knowing look. “We want Lo—” Dean slapped his hand over Gerry’s mouth. “We say his, or him, or sometimes Satan. Never the name.”

  I swallowed and looked at Dean. “I want to go home.”

  He gripped my hand. “Who is the strong woman I know who is literally wearing some very big-girl panties and kicking some butt at law school?”

  I took a huge inhale and nodded, “I am wearing big-girl panties.” I smiled and looked at Gerry. “Thank you for the letter.” I was giddy about the night he was going to have, but I reined it in and kissed his cheek before I walked past him. I grabbed Danny’s arm. “I want to go to the front stage area. My friend Lise is there. I don’t want to be back here. I don’t even want to be here.”

  He looked upset. “Stay. Please stay back here. We told him you were coming, and he’s been better.”

  I hardened my heart. “I don’t give a fuck. Please don't make this about that.”

  “Still mad, huh?”

  My eyes narrowed. He put his hands in the air. “Alright, I’ll be back in a minute. I was just checking.”

  I wrapped my arms around myself, wishing I had a jacket or a snowsuit.

  “Princess?”

  I turned like a well-trained seal, even though it wasn’t my name. Lochlan—shit I thought his name—looked rough, sexy rough. It suited his bad boy of rock and roll look. His dark hair was still in the fohawk-mullet thing and his look was dark as sin.

  “You got a tattoo?” He looked devastated.

  I nodded. I wanted to say his name again. I wanted to hear it roll off my tongue or around in my mind. God, I hated him still.

  He looked like he was going to take a step toward me, but I spoke quickly. “Congratulations on the show. This is huge.”

  He smiled bitterly. “It’s not the Fargodome, but it’s a step up from the bar circuit.”

  I laughed. I couldn’t help myself.

  “My mom is in a home now.” He looked like he didn’t know why he said it.

  “I know. She writes me letters.”

  He smiled the most broken smile I’d ever seen on his face. “Yeah, Gerry has a new way for her to press a letter and make words. She uses the iPad he bought her.”

  I smiled. “Good. The blinking made me tired, and I was only writing down the numbers.”

  “You staying backstage?”

  I shook my head, hating the look on his face, but I was about to buckle and jump him. I needed to be away from him. “No. My friends are in the front row.”

  He bit his lip and winced. “Well, will you stick around after?”

  I shook my head with the last of my self-preservation. “No. I have a lot of homework.”

  Dean came to my rescue, earning himself an evil look from Lochlan. His name was starting to fit back into my mind. It would be so easy to start saying it again, regardless of the fact that it burned me to do it.

  He ignored Lochlan and pointed. “Danny said they are holding the spot, and some girl who is screaming right now and freaking out is taking your place backstage.”

  I smiled and nodded. “Have a good show.”

  His eyes got worse. “Don’t leave.” His words were a whisper.

  I turned away quickly and waved. “See ya ‘round.” I followed Dean to the edge of the curtains. He rubbed my back. “You did so well.”

  I looked at him and Gerry. “I think I can do this. I can see him if I have to, you know, ‘cause of you, Danny and Mike.”

  “ERIN!” I turned to see Mike running for me. He picked me up, smelling my neck. “Girl, how have you been?”

  I smiled. “Good.” I looked behind him to see the dark-blue eyes still watching me. I hugged Mike again and blushed when he gushed. “You look hot.”

  Dean nodded. “That is the response I was looking for.”

  “You been lifting weights or something?” Mike grinned, not noticing Lochlan getting closer and closer behind him.

  I shook my head, ignoring that he had joined the conversation. I spoke softly. “Hot yoga. When the shitty weather is over, I’ll be running again.”

  Gerry smacked me in the butt. “Dean said she’s been living on coconut-cream pies from some hole-in-the-earth dive, so she has some extra junk in her trunk. I think it looks good though. You’re curvy now. Kind of sexy. I bet you look good in the business suits now.”

  I shot him a look.

  Mike nodded. “You do look good. The coconut-cream pies are doing you some good.”

  When I looked back at Mike, Lochlan was smirking from behind him. I looked down. “I better go. It was nice seeing you guys.”

  Mike hugged me again. I kept my eyes down, so I wouldn’t have to see the dark-blue eyes staring at me. I waved again as I turned and walked away. I went to where a bouncer was standing. He made a space for me to stand. Lise smiled at me. “Oh my God, I didn’t think you were coming. I asked you like a month ago and you said no. I love your dress.”

  I laughed. “Thanks. Yeah, Dean changed my mind. I wanted to see everyone.”

  She winked. “Your brother is looking fine.”

  “Yeah, he is in his element. This is him.”

  She smiled. “This is everyone’s. Anyone would want this life.”

  I was about to tell her how wrong she was, but I decided to keep my mouth shut. Let her have her fantasies. Everyone needed a dream. Until every asshole in the world had an opinion about your dream, then it sucked hard.

  The girl on the other side of me whispered. “So the girl who had your spot down front is the one he’s gonna fuck tonight. Lucky, huh? Every show, Lochlan picks a girl from the audience and she stays with him backstage.”

  I felt sick, but I made myself remember how strong I was. I smiled. “Poor thing. I heard those musicians can’t get it up, ‘cause they do too much coke.”

  She made a face. “Ewww, really?”

  I nodded.

  “Yikes, I was all jealous, but damned if I’m suffering through some limp biscuit. God love her for getting picked.”

  I laughed. Lise hit my arm. “You are wicked.”

  I shrugged. “Whatever. She got to go backstage because I didn’t want to be.”

  Lise winked. “The best part of the show is up front.”

  I never thought about that.

  The opening act was good. They were indie sounding and fun. The songs were toe tapping almost. They did a great show, but we all knew why we were there.

  They left the stage after receiving a good cheer.

  Lise looked at me with an animated smile. “Eeeeeek,” she squealed. I laughed until the lights went black, then my heart raced.

  Lights flashed onto the crowd. We could see smoke above our heads.

  His voice sang softly from the dark of the stage. A light flicked onto Leon. He played the keyboard softly. Another light flicked on revealing Gerry. He was lightly hitting the cymbals. The next light was Mike with the bass. With each light being switched on, the crowd screamed.

  When the light hit Loch, they lost their mi
nds. He sang softly until the light flicked onto him. Then he rocked. The crowd was on their feet. I was shoved forward instantly. My hands shot into the air, and I clapped along with everyone. The song was intense and fast. He jumped to life, using the whole stage. Song after song, my wall crumbled. I screamed along with the fans. They were still amazing. His control over the crowd was ridiculous. He was still the puppet master.

  Lise and I gripped to each other, screaming and shouting the words to the songs. The girl next to me cried.

  I was in a trance, a Lochlan trance. Shit. But then I felt an elbow in my back. I shoved back. We were pressed into the stage. They did their last song of the night. I was deaf and voiceless but it was bliss—the best thing that had happened to me in a long time.

  My heart was full.

  Until . . .

  “We want to thank y’all for coming to the show. We love Boston!” He threw a hand in the air. The crowd screamed and shoved forward again. I winced. I was going to have stage bruises later.

  He waved. “Night y’all!” he pointed at me. “Don’t leave.”

  My jaw dropped. Lise screamed.

  The girl next to me made a face. “Oh God. He wants to invite you for the limp biscuit too.”

  I started to laugh, but the crowd pushed forward again. The lights shut off and then on. The band was gone.

  I grabbed Lise’s hand. It was getting chaotic in there. Danny came to the front of the stage and put a hand out for me. “Come with me.”

  I hesitated, but I was again pushed forward. I put Lise’s hand in his. “Her first.”

  He hauled her up like she weighed nothing. I put my hand in his, but I was pushed into the stage. I almost fell under the people. I heard Lochlan shout and grab my arm. He hauled me onto the stage, just as the bouncers were getting everyone back and forcing people out the doors. I looked out over the sea of people and then felt myself get picked up and dragged to the back. I slapped his arm. “Put me down, Loch.”

  He hesitated for a second. I could feel his heart beating against my squished arm. He put me down. His face softened. “Are you okay?”

  I slapped his hand away when he tried to touch my cheek. “I’m fine.”