My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  Lise was smiling at Danny like he was her savior.

  Gerry brought out trays of champagne. “To celebrate our Boston concert!” He seemed to miss my near death.

  The guys all grabbed one. He handed one to me and Lise. Leon gave me a sly grin. I scowled at him. Mike backhanded him lightly in the stomach. He nodded at the darkened face stalking me like I was prey.

  Leon looked confused, and then I literally watched the light bulb come on.

  Lochlan held up his glass. “To Danny and the band for the amazing job you all do. I feel like the luckiest guy ever.”

  The glasses clinked. I sipped the champagne. He walked in front of me, pushing me back with his presence. “Don’t leave me. Let me try to explain.”

  I shook my head. “I can’t do this.”

  He took my champagne and put it down on the table next to us. He took my hands in his. The smell and warmth was too familiar. It made me feel sick almost. His eyes burned down on me. I pulled away. “I have to go.”

  I looked at Dean. He nodded and gave Gerry a kiss. “See you at home.”

  I smiled at them all. “Excellent show.” I looked at Lise. “You coming?”

  She looked at Danny, ‘No. I’ll get a ride home with him.”

  I smirked. “Eww. Okay. Night all.” I walked away, feeling their eyes burning into my back. We had to drive with the other people out of the parking lot. It took forever to get back on the main road.

  He stopped the car outside my apartment. “You okay?”

  I nodded slowly. “I am okay. I feel conflicted about him, but I feel strong about my decision. I’ve seen him, we’ve touched hands, and I didn’t falter. I think I’m safe from the thing we had.”

  He sighed. “That’s too bad.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugged. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look more in love with you. Gerry agreed. It was the best they’ve played in months.”

  I shook my head. “Don’t be such a bitch.”

  “See you Monday.”

  I laughed. “Thanks for making me face my fears.”

  “That’s my job.” I got out and went upstairs.

  I was in the kitchen drinking from the carton, when someone walked out of the hallway. “Hey.”

  I ripped my mace from my purse and sprayed before I realized what had happened. Seeing it was Lochlan, I dropped it and rushed to him. “Oh my God, baby. Are you okay? Never mind, dumb question. Come on.”

  Tears streamed down his face. “Jesus, Erin, you trying to blind me for real?” He blinked and looked at me, his eyes were completely red.

  “Oh my God, why were you sneaking up on me like that?” I winced as the mace filled the room and my eyes started burning and I coughed. I hurried to the windows and opened them all, letting the cool breeze waft in and clear the air. I got the eye-wash station from the first aid kit, pulled him to the sink, and started to flush his eyes. “God, you’re lucky I saw you at the last minute.”

  “You still got me plenty.” He blinked some more. “Is this stronger than the last time?”

  I laughed, noticing my eyes were still burning. “I don’t know.” I filled the cups and started the eye washing. He cleaned his face.

  I ran and did my face wash, to rid myself of any leftover spray. I came back into the kitchen feeling slightly justified. “I’m sorry, but why are you here? How did you get in?”

  He held up his key. I had forgotten to ask for it back. Technically, the apartment was still his. He had never stopped paying for half.

  “How did you beat us here?”

  He chuckled, I think at himself. “I ran some of it and had a car pick me up. I knew you would be stuck in the traffic. I couldn’t let you slip through my fingers again.”

  He ran across the city for me? Even the evil, man-hating bitch inside of me had to give that some credit.

  He looked at the floor. “I didn’t think it was fair to you, the band, and Mom. They all saddled me with the band and everyone’s success. Gerry bought a house, and everyone was buying cars, and there was no way I could back out. Their success was based on me being in the band. My dad was dead and everything felt too big. My mom needed help, and I never thought about what she wanted. I wanted things to stay the way my dad had done it.”

  I took a step closer to him. “You don’t need to tell me this. It wasn't like I hadn’t figured out who was at the bottom of the totem pole.”

  He looked at me. “I need you to see my side. You never see it. You always think the worst of me.”

  “You always act the worst.”

  “You aren’t at the bottom of my totem pole. I don't think I even know what that means. You’re at the top. You’re above me, the band, my mom, everything. I knew that for you I would sacrifice all of them. So I had to take away the temptation of you.” He sighed. “So I wanted you gone, because I had obligations. I never wanted you to feel like one of them. I wanted your life to be better than always waiting for me to have a free minute. I knew if I pushed you away, you would come back here and finish school, and I could try to win you back later. Then Gerry told me Dean said you seemed like you were over me. He said you had been flirting with some lawyer who was talking about your summer job being at his firm. I panicked. I came here the other day, and I saw you at school. I was standing in the doorway—Dean saw me. I watched that fucker put his lips all over your hand. I wanted to murder him.”

  I started to feel the desperation that was all over his face. He had been watching me? It was like him watching me sleep that first week, a little bit creepy.

  “Yeah. You were laughing with that guy even though he was older than you. He was dressed like a lawyer and he suited you. You were so clean and shiny and perfect together. He was your kind of guy. You looked alive again. I didn’t know what to do. You looked so professional and he kissed your hand and you let him.” He gave me a look. “But you came tonight.” He hopped off the counter. “It gave me some hope.” He walked to me. I almost wished I had my mace again.

  I shook my head. “Don’t.”

  He ignored me and walked right up against me. My braless breasts squished against his abs. He looked down on me. “Seeing you tonight made me realize . . .” He bent and kissed my cheek, wrapping his arms around me. He kissed the other side of my face before continuing what he was saying, “I don’t have to be a singer. I don’t have to be in a band. I don’t have to do anything in this whole world. But I do have to make you love me again. I will give it all up.” He lifted my chin and pressed his lips against mine. “That’s all I want, baby. I don’t even care if you love me back. Just let me try again.”

  His hands slid down my body, lifting my dress. He cupped my ass cheeks in my massive underwear, making me wince. “Did I hurt you?”

  I shook my head. “No. It’s just . . . nothing.” He was going to see it again.”

  “Jesus, what is it?”

  My face was on fire. “Well, I haven’t—I’m not like you. I don't sleep with other people for sport and cardio.”

  He cocked an eyebrow.

  I started to laugh. “I wasn't expecting you to come here, and my big cotton panties are more comfy.”

  He snorted. “You have granny undies on?”

  I bit my lip.

  He sighed. “Princess, Jesus. I thought you had something terrible to tell me.”

  “My underwear are like the ones your mom wears. That's pretty terrible.”

  He shook his head, “I don't give a shit about your underwear.” He kissed me and lifted me into his arms. I wrapped my legs around him. He walked to the bar and sat me on it. He cleared the counter off with a swipe of his arm.

  I tilted my head. “Really?”

  He grinned. “I promise I’ll be the one to clean it up.”

  “Liar.”

  He laughed. “Wanna make a wager on it?” He flashed me that grin and that was it.

  Instantly, our lips moved against each other hungrily. His touch lit me on fire, worse than before. His han
ds got between my legs. He grabbed my big underwear, ripping them, pulling them off of me. He pulled back my dress and unzipped his jeans in one movement. I was still wet from the show. He slipped a condom from his pocket, slid it on, and pushed himself into me. I gasped as he shoved into me hard. There was no controlling him. He was long past that. I gripped to him as his fingers bit into my hips. His thrust was firm and fierce. His lips never left mine. We breathed each other in, in moans and sharp inhales.

  He pulled me into each thrust, filling every bit of me. He held me so tight, I could feel the desperation in his fingertips. I could taste it in his kisses. I came hard, leaning back, letting him have me. He spread my thighs more and he came with an explosion. Breathless and confused, we clung to each other. He placed out-of-breath kisses on my stomach.

  I watched him. He glanced up at me. “I missed you.”

  I smiled. “Me too, but it doesn't change anything.”

  He lifted me off the counter. “Let’s go have a shower. I’m sweaty from the concert.”

  I put a hand on his chest. “Wait.”

  He shook his head. “Not another minute, princess.”

  After the shower, we lay in each other’s arms, wrapped tight and constricted.

  “I like the effect coconut-cream pie has on your body.”

  I laughed. “Are you saying you like my new fat?”

  He lifted my breast like he was weighing it. “It makes you look fuller, like a woman.” He sucked my nipple. “Makes me want to touch you more than before, which was a lot.”

  I laughed. “I remember.”

  He stroked a finger down my cheek. “I’m sorry I hurt you. I hate myself.”

  I shrugged. “I understand and I don’t. I just . . . don’t . . . can’t forgive you. That’s going to take time, and we can’t just be together like living together, like before, until I can get there.”

  His eyes burned. “I’m not leaving.”

  I laughed. “You have your work and I have school. We can finally take it slow. Take those trips you take all the time as a way to go slow.”

  “You want to take it slow? We just fucked and showered together, and I’m about to buy you breakfast at that all-night dive where we got the eggs Benny.”

  I smiled. “Yeah. I expect you will buy me breakfast, and then you’ll frig off, so I can sleep and study and write my paper. I also expect that you’ll text me as soon as you get wherever the hell you’re going to next, and maybe even a few times in the cabs and shit, but that's it. I don't want anything else.”

  He kissed my belly. “Okay, slow it is, but I ain’t leaving.”

  He stuck true to his word. For a month he was busy and I was busy, and when our paths crossed, we hung out. It was like we’d found the middle ground.

  It was a Friday night and I was sitting at a table with Lissie in Boston. She had flown over to see me and Dean. She gave me a look from across the table. “You and Loch seem cozy.”

  I shrugged. “Taking it slow. We’re whatever. I have zero expectations of him.”

  Dean gave me a grave look. “Honey, that's not healthy.”

  Lissie scoffed. “I think it’s great. Let him be the one to work his way back in. He fucked you over and he knows it. What a wreck that poor boy was. Mom got that iPad from Gerry and she was a savage. She was messaging Loch everywhere he went. She has iMessage and sends us texts now 24-7. But I will be damned if she didn't message him every hour about you.”

  I sipped my wine. “Don't make me feel worse. I hate how stressed your parents got.”

  She nodded. “Loch did it. When Daddy saw him kissing that girl, I have never seen that man so angry. Loch will never forgive himself.”

  Dean sighed. “He should. It wasn't his fault.”

  Lissie pointed her finger at Dean. “You want to sit with the girls—you have to start behaving like one. This is why I don't hang with Alex, he does the whole ‘bros before hos.’ He forgets he’s a ho.”

  I almost choked on my drink. My phone rang and I got up to take the call as they started bickering about being hos.

  “Hello?”

  It was Loch. “Hey, pretty girl.”

  I smiled. “What’s going on?”

  “Not much. What’s going on with you?”

  I sighed and looked back at Dean and Lissie squabbling. “Not much. It’s Friday, you know I love Friday.”

  “I can tell. How many glasses of red are you in?”

  I scowled. How did he know I was having wine, Jesus? Had I become that predictable? “Just the one. I can’t seem to get into it.”

  “You look pretty.”

  I lowered the phone and looked around the bar. He was standing by the entrance with his shit-eating grin. I lifted the phone and returned the smile. “Tonight’s not a good night. I’m meeting my other boyfriend. You should have called first.”

  He turned the phone off and walked to me. He pulled me into his arms and whispered into my ear as he brushed a soft kiss on my cheek. “Why do you have to make me so crazy?”

  “If not me, then who?”

  He nodded at Lissie who was flipping him the bird. “I have a sister, a mother and a gay brother. I am the last of my kind in my family. You think I don't get teased and abused?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Alex is twice the man you are.”

  He sighed. “I know it.” He lowered his face to mine again, this time brushing his lips against mine. “Let me take you home. I want to show you something.”

  “I’ve already seen that.”

  He shook his head. “Trust me, you haven’t seen this.”

  I winced. “I’m pretty sure I know of what you are referring to, and it’s illegal in this state.”

  He laughed. “Wow, you really have a low opinion of me, don't you?”

  “Yes, sir. But you have earned my opinion of you.”

  His stare got serious. “Is there anything I can do to change that opinion?”

  I shrugged. “We’ll see. The best you can hope for is to keep trying and see what comes of it.”

  A group of people spotted him. I waved, “Have fun.” and walked back to my table to sit as he started signing autographs. I didn’t look to see what kind they were. I didn't care anymore. I had found that thing Dean had been talking about. I had overcome Loch to a degree when we got back together, and I knew that if he couldn't appreciate me, he didn't deserve me. The weird part was that my newfound self-confidence and indifference was making him bananas. He was the one running around after me, chasing me, trying to win me over. He was the one who was uneasy about my feelings. I suspected he had always been as uneasy as I was, he just didn't have a Dean life coach like I did. Dean was mine in the divorce.

  I looked back, laughing with Lissie and Dean as Loch smiled and signed, all the while shooting me a dirty look. When he got through as many as he was going to do, he stormed over to the table and offered me his hand.

  I waved. “Night, guys.”

  Lochlan sneered at his sister. “Stop laughing or I’m going to tell everyone you are Florence and the Machine. You can see how fun it is.” He gave Dean a smile. “Gerry is home and waiting on you.” He pulled me away from the table, kissing my hand. People took our picture, they always did. I didn't care.

  I just didn't look anymore. No Twitter or Facebook meant no notifications and my real friends had shown their true colors. Dean, Lissie, Lise, and a few people from school were all that was left of my friends.

  Lochlan leaned in and kissed my cheek. “Did I tell you how pretty you are today?”

  I nodded. “You did. But I have bad news. I wasn't expecting you home today and uhhh . . . well . . . ”

  “You have granny panties on again?”

  I wrinkled my nose. “Yeah.”

  “I sort of like them. They’re like the forbidden fruit of underwear, like I’m not supposed to see them or know they exist.”

  He made me laugh. I loved him so much that I still hated him sometimes. I just didn't tell him either way. I left it
alone.

  We were taking it slow, and I liked how flirty things were again. There was no more pressure or weird expectations put on us by him or his job. I had started to see that maybe he had gotten so caught up in the whirlwind of the success in the beginning, he hadn’t noticed he was being kind of bipolar and crazy.

  Settled into the world of touring with a band, meant he was now more relaxed about everything and that made me relax.

  Twenty-Two

  Slow it ain’t

  98.8

  Perfectly normal.

  I frowned at the thermometer and put it down on the counter. It had to work. It was brand new.

  I looked at the other thing that was brand new and sighed. If the throwing up wasn’t the flu, it was something else. I walked, defeated and sickened, to the bathroom to try package number two.

  There are things you should never do alone. This was one of them. I peed, holding it under the stream. I capped it, wrapped it in toilet paper, and washed my hands. I paced, feeling hungry and sick at the same time. I wanted some more pie. I looked at the clock, two more minutes. I went over the things in my bag one more time. I had everything. I was ready to go. This couldn’t be happening.

  One minute.

  I ran into the bathroom and picked it up. The second line was faint. I squinted and shook my head. “That’s not a line.” Of course as I said it, the line filled in. I dropped the pee stick and dropped to my knees. I leaned into the bathroom counter, gasping for air. My birth control pill was sitting on the counter for me to take. I contemplated it for half a second, wondering what would happen. But I didn't take it. Instead, I vomited again. I clutched the toilet and tried not to die. I was heaving when I heard the horn for the second time. I wiped myself down and grabbed the pee stick. I shoved it into my purse and grabbed my bags.

  I ran to the car and jumped in. Dean gave me the disapproving-teacher look. Lise was in the back seat, grinning away.

  I rolled my eyes. “Would you stop.” My heart was pounding.

  She shook her head. “I can’t. I can’t wait to see him.”

  Dean frowned. “We can’t be late. Jeez. It’s a wedding, Erin. Not a normal day. Her, I expect to be late. You—not so much.”