My Side (A Thin Ice Novel)

by Tara Brown

  I frowned. “Sorry.” And I was. I was very sorry. I didn’t even know what I was going to do. The wedding would be an awesome distraction at least.

  We ran when we got to the airport. We just made our flight and the customs guys were pissed. They like two hours for international flights, not twenty minutes.

  I was just about to start a full-fledged panic attack when we finally landed in British Columbia, Canada. Dean was a friend of a lawyer who had bought a winery in the Okanagan Valley. He was excited to have a wedding there.

  I was exhausted. The time change was deadly. Gerry, Danny and Loch met us at the airport in Kelowna. It was hot and sunny. I looked at Dean. “This is Canada in June?”

  He laughed. “This is actually part of the same desert as Nevada. The North American desert comes up into Canada. That’s why the wine is so amazing—the heat.”

  The guys walked up in tee shirts and shorts. I pulled my parka off. “Seriously, Canada’s hotter than Boston in June? There was a frost warning when we left.”

  Lochlan smiled and pulled off his sunglasses. Seeing him was making it all worse. He was being so sweet, and I was in the midst of trapping him with a baby. He nodded at me. “Want to see something cool?”

  I frowned. “Hi to you too.”

  He waved at a group of young girls. They looked confused, then instantly recognized him. They waved back and walked away. I was stunned. “They never tried to take any of your clothes or pictures.”

  Gerry nudged my arm. “They’re so nice. You know you always hear it, but oh my God. I have been left alone completely. Canada is my new fave.”

  I gave Loch a look. “Can you live here?” We were about to have a new reason to hide away from the screaming fans.

  He nodded. “Hell yes.”

  Danny was already taking Lise’s bags and kissing her hands. We three couples, yeah, I know—barf, walked to the van. Loch and I weren’t a for sure couple. We hadn’t determined that yet. We were taking things slow. Shit. I could have cried.

  The driver took our bags. I sat next to Loch and tried not to breathe him in to soothe my aching heart and stomach.

  He made a peaceful sound as he leaned in and kissed my head. “You smell good.” I felt my stomach twist into knots. He smiled. “It’s going to be fun.”

  “I know.”

  “You look worried.”

  I shrugged. “Jet lag.”

  We got to the inn next to the vineyard. It was huge, right on a massive, bright-blue lake. The hills were desert-like and rolling. It was cool. He carried my bags to my room. I had demanded separate rooms. We weren’t a real couple. Shit.

  I flopped onto the bed. “Turn on the AC, please.”

  He chuckled. “You hot already? I like it here. Come swim in the pool with me.”

  I shook my head. “Sleep.” I closed my eyes and I was gone. I woke later to the sound of tapping. I opened my eyes to Gerry tapping something on the desk.

  “What are you doing?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “What are you doing?”

  I frowned. “Huh?”

  He held up the pee stick. “Really?”

  “I peed on that.”

  “I know the science behind it, ass. It’s one of the reasons I am so grateful to be gay.”

  I sighed. “Shit, Ger. What am I going to do? Everyone is going to think I trapped him with this.”

  “They already think that. Remember that picture from the day he bet you that you couldn’t eat a whole pizza?

  I groaned. “Oh my God. How is it fair they have that picture too? What am I going to do?”

  “Uh, I don’t know. Tell him . . . since it’s his.” He gave me a look. “It’s his, right?”

  I flipped him the bird.

  “Well, you never know. As far as the media goes, you’re kind of a mean-ass ho.” I lifted my other hand to give him a second finger and buried my face in a pillow. He came and laid beside me. “I came for you to tell me I’m doing the right thing by getting married. You know, a little pre-wedding jitters?”

  I shot him a look. “And to snoop in my purse?”

  He stuck his tongue out. “I was looking for lip gloss. My lips are chapped. It’s hot here.”

  I nudged him. “You’re making the right choice. I’ve spent the last five months trying to convince Dean to run away with me, and he never even wavered.”

  He grinned. “You think so?”

  I smiled. “He loves you so much.”

  His face turned red, like the glasses he was wearing. “I know, right?” He pointed down to my belly. “What’s the plan for that?”

  I shook my head. “I have no clue. I never wanted one of those. I wanted a condo, a BMW, and my own money. I had a goal and it wasn’t this.” My eyes shone. “This is your weekend though, and I wasn’t going to tell you or him.”

  “You brought the pee stick.”

  I laughed. “I had to keep checking it. I just didn’t believe it. Although I will say, I’m glad it’s just that. I thought for a minute that it was cancer. Google doctor said cancer or pregnancy, but I was on the pill and we always use condoms. So I assumed cancer. I hoped for flu.”

  He laughed. “Well, that’s a pink line, my friend.”

  “Let’s just do your wedding and worry about my uterus later.”

  He smiled. “Okay. Eeeeek, me!”

  That was easier said than done though. I didn’t stop thinking about it. It plagued every second of my night. When Lochlan came to my room, he frowned at me. “You okay? And don’t say jet lag. I really thought we had this communication thing down pat. What is going on? What aren’t you telling me?”

  I looked at him and nodded. “How do you see this all panning out—me and you? What’s your vision for it?”

  He yawned. “It’s like three in the morning back home.”

  I shook his shoulder. “I need to know. You can’t sleep in here. You have to sleep in your room.”

  “No. I gave up my room. I‘m sleeping in here.” He sighed. “You and your damned plans. How about we just take it one day at a time, like you wanted to?”

  “So, one day at a time, forever?”

  He gave me a look. “I’m not getting away without a ‘let’s talk about our relationship’ moment, am I?”

  I pinched him. He laughed and yawned again. “Baby, I see you as a successful lawyer and me as a musician, and we live wherever makes you happiest. I’ll bring you weird things from the places I see, and you can come on the road, anytime you want. How’s that sound? We’ll be free as birds.”

  I instantly started bawling. I didn’t even know why. Well, that was a lie. I knew why. We would never be free as birds.

  He wrapped around me. “Erin, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”

  I climbed off the bed and tossed the pee-covered pregnancy test at him. He held it for a second and then dropped it with a wrinkled nose. “Is that a joke?”

  I laughed and then cried again and stalked into the bathroom, slamming the door.

  “Babe, let’s talk about this. You can’t throw a pregnancy test at a man. That’s just wrong. You peed on that. And you gave me no warning.”

  I sat in the empty tub, rocking back and forth. Weird sounds ripped from my lips. They were high-pitched sobs.

  He knocked again. “Baby, you’re scaring me. You set me up with the whole ‘what’s our future’ talk, and then the pee stick. Erin, don’t make me break down the door.”

  I managed a couple words, still very high-pitched. “Just give me a minute.” I was having a panic attack, and I knew he would break the door down.

  “Yes, ma’am.”

  When I was finally able, I crawled out of the tub and dropped onto the floor by the door.

  I heard him slide down the door too.

  “You don’t seem happy,” he said after a minute.

  I shook my head. “Yeah, not so much. I’m scared and wondering why my birth control didn’t work, and how we’re going to have a baby. We have had the weirdest y
ear ever. How do we add a kid to that? I mean, we aren’t even back together yet, not fully. My internship starts in a week.”

  “We love each other, have a great income, and don’t have drug problems, or drinking problems, or weird addictions. Well, except mine for you. We are fully back together beyond whatever lies you tell yourself. I love you more than a single thing in this world.” He tapped on the door. “This is the best thing that could have happened.”

  “What if I get fat and all the girls are hitting on you, and you have to come home to a sweaty, fat wife who pees when she sneezes and shit? I’m trapping you.”

  “It seems more like I am trapping you.” He laughed. “Baby, you have to open the door, so I can be excited about this.”

  I swallowed. “What if we screw this up?”

  “We won’t. We already fucked it up. We did that part. Now we have to enjoy the rewards of ruining everything, and putting it back together. It’s lucky actually that we’re in the rebuilding stage; we have loads of flexibility for a baby. I know I love you. I know I want to be with you. I know I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy, in my special, frustrating way.”

  I turned the lock on the door. He pushed it open and scooped me up. He carried me to the bed. He kissed my belly. “Just think. All the love that we have for each other, we put it in this safe place here.” He kissed my belly again.

  I still couldn’t breathe properly.

  He looked up at me, his eyes were the clearest blue I’d ever seen them. “I want to give you something.”

  “You already gave me something.”

  He laughed. “Funny.”

  He pulled out my ring from his pocket. He dragged me down the bed and knelt between my legs. “It’s not even close to how I wanted to do it. I’ve been carrying it for weeks, just trying to find the right way or right moment. I wanted it to be so romantic and whatever. And right now, I can’t think of anything that trumps what you’re giving me. There won’t be a better moment in my life than this one. Marry me.”

  I gave him a hard look. I gave him my right hand. “Until they’re married, I don’t want to steal the show with babies and engagements.”

  Lochlan cocked his head. “You never said yes.”

  “Yes.” I challenged him with my stare.

  He cocked an eyebrow. “Yes?”

  I laughed. “Yes. I will marry you, before I get fat.”

  He laughed. “Good. Mom and I were talking and she’d really like to see the wedding in the next couple months. She’s been really weak lately and she doesn’t want to miss it.”

  I shoved him. “You have not been talking about this with your mom?”

  He pulled me into his arms. “I have, I swear. We’ve been planning it. She gave me this.” He pulled out a wedding band. “It was my dad’s. She told me to give it to you when I was ready, and we could maybe have it made into a ring I would like.”

  I breathed out fast. “I think you just trumped what I’m giving you.”

  He grinned, stealing my heart all over again. “No way.” He curled around me and I felt the weight of it all lift off of me.

  The next day we all stood and watched our best friends get married. They declared their love for each other in the sweetest of ways. Dean had gotten a ring made with his favorite line from one of their songs. “Save my soul from the seconds we’re apart.” Gerry got the band to perform a song he wrote for Dean. I cried way too much and waited for the bottom to fall out of our perfection like it always did.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Bunnies and brownies

  The moment it all changed happened in front of everyone. The doctor rubbed the wand over my bare belly, pushing into it. The jelly he had rubbed on there was cold and sticky.

  The rapid beat filled the room and everyone burst into tears and gasps. We did it in Nashville at the home where Judith was. She cried and punched letters like crazy.

  Alex read it. “I am so proud of both of you for finding your way back to each other.”

  I sniffled and felt the beat within my body.

  “I think we got us a drummer!” Gerry laughed.

  Mike scowled. “No way, bass for sure.”

  I closed my eyes and felt Loch’s hand on mine. He squeezed hard. “I love you, baby.”

  The doctor smiled. “I’ll say you’re about fifteen weeks along. How much have you gained?”

  I shook my head. “None yet.”

  Lochlan nodded. “She’s been a crazy woman about her food.”

  The doctor shook his head. “The first three months, it’s common for women not to gain anything. But from here on out, I need you to maintain the calories on the piece of paper I’ve got here, and make sure you’re getting those food groups. Okay?”

  I nodded.

  “The less fat in your diet, the less brain development in your baby.”

  “Okay.” I knew nothing about babies, and the books scared me. I couldn’t read them. I didn’t even really want sex anymore after what I’d read in the last one.

  He wiped me down and let me get up. “Everything sounds normal, but your sonogram at nineteen weeks will be the photo shoot.”

  I smiled. “Thanks for doing it here.”

  He nodded. “Anytime.”

  I got off the table and let everyone hug me. Lochlan wrapped his arms around me. “You ready for tomorrow?”

  I nodded and looked back at him. “I am.”

  He attacked his mom. “You’re gonna be a grandma.” She smiled. She was gaining back little bits of movement. Living in the home was helping tremendously. She had full physio every week and constant care.

  I kissed her goodbye and left with Dean, Lise, and Lissie. We went to the hotel room while Alex, Mike, Danny, Leon, and Gerry went with Loch to take his mom back to her room.

  We had done everything in the few weeks we had to organize. Having money helped a lot. When money was no object, people just said yes.

  Dean looked at me. “Did you ever hear why Lochlan beat that guy up on the show?”

  I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “It came out to the press yesterday. Look.” He laid down his iPad. I read the article. “Wow. That Andrew guy really thinks a lot of Loch.”

  Dean nodded. “I do too. I never knew that was why he did it.”

  I nodded. “I only just found out. He let me believe he was jealous of the guy winning.”

  He shook his head. “Wow.”

  Lissie nodded “Yeah, we were sworn to secrecy on it. I hated listening to everyone talking shit about him when they didn’t have a clue.”

  Lise shrugged. “I always thought it made him hotter to be so crazy and unpredictable.”

  I smiled at her, when Dean and Lissie gave her a confused stare.

  A knock on the door interrupted their judgments. Dean answered and was instantly cougar-attacked by my mom. “Oh myyyy. You must be in the band.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Mom, this is Professor Dean. He’s married to Gerry.”

  She blushed. “Ohhhh right. Of course he is. How is young Gerry?” She got a predatory look in her eyes. Dean stepped back. I laughed. “He’s married and happy.”

  She smiled. “Well, anyway. Congratulations. And how is the bride-to-be?”

  I smiled. “Good. Little tired, but I’m good.”

  “How is my little grandbaby?” She actually talked to my belly, or even my vagina, depending on the angle you were at.

  “Good. We heard the heartbeat today.”

  She looked up from my low, low abdomen. “Was it high or low? There’s some old wives’ tale about that.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t know. It sounded fast.”

  Lissie nodded. “To me, it was really fast.”

  Dean nodded. “Yeah. I know, right?”

  Lise laughed. “I thought that too, but then he said it was normal.”

  My mom stared at us like we were insane. “Of course it’s faster. You didn’t know that?”

  We all shrugged and sho
ok our heads. We slept in the room, all of us, but Mom. She was fast to leave—for her. She usually hovered and it got awkward.

  I heard a light knock at the door. I slipped out of the bed and answered. Lochlan stood there, looming in the doorway. He looked down on me and smiled. “I needed to see you two.”

  I smiled back. “Hi.”

  “Did you eat?”

  I nodded. “Just some room service.”

  He pulled a brown bag from behind his back. “I brought you fudgy-brownie swirl!”

  I closed the door, but stuck a shoe in it, not mine, and sat in the hallway with him. We sat beside each other. He pulled off the lid and passed me the spoon. I dipped it in and took the first bite. I closed my eyes and let the flavor of the fudge ice cream melt across my tongue. “Mmmmmmm. I wuv yew.”

  He laughed and took the spoon. “I know you do.”

  I looked at the ring on my finger and nodded. “You’re cool if I just keep it a sapphire, right?”

  He smirked. My smile dropped right off my face. “Was it ever a sapphire?”

  He shook his head. “I was seriously going to ask you that night. I know your ex had tainted the insta-love for you, but I wanted you to be mine. Your face when I pulled out that box was sheer horror. So I came up with a super-fast lie. You bought it, and I got my ring on your finger.”

  I stole back the spoon. “No fudgy-swirl for you.”

  He laughed. “You can’t get mad about old shit.”

  “I can and I will. I can even overreact, thanks to the baby bunny.”

  He gave me a look. “Baby bunny?”

  I felt my face burning. “Yeah. So?”

  He bent down and kissed my belly. “I love you.”

  I smiled and let him kiss the small roll we were both pretending was baby, but was more like coconut-cream pie from before.

  I leaned into him when he sat up. “You see the news article about Andrew?”

  He nodded. “Yeah. He called and told me he was doing it. I told him not to worry, but he said he had taken the coward’s path or some crap. Anyway, he came out to his family.”

  I smiled, not looking at him. “At least he got the chance. At least that wanker never got to out him.”