Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  Who is Chloe!!!???

  Within minutes I get a reply text. What? Why do you ask?

  Because she and her mother are in the B&B's blue room!!!

  Ten seconds after I hit send my phone rings. I ignore it. As much as I need answers I am too upset to talk to him. I plan to silence my phone, explain to Lindsey when mealtimes are, and then hightail it back to my house to hide. Then the B&B phone rings and I ignore that too. It continues to ring and ring and eventually Lindsey comes out of the bedroom to see what's going on.

  "Do you have to answer that?" she asks politely.

  "I think it's for you," I reply as I'm picking up my purse and keys. Forget the welcome spiel I'm supposed to give my new guests. I can't stay here another minute. I can feel my emotions bubbling to the surface and I'm about to burst into tears at any moment.

  Lindsey looks confused but picks up the phone. "Hello?" She listens for a moment and I hear Adam's muffled voice through the receiver. "How did you know I was here? What? No, I need to talk to you. Why does that matter? Fine! Yes, Amanda is still here but she looks like she's about to leave," Lindsey says glancing at me briefly.

  I wave goodbye and start walking to the door, but I am too late to make my escape. The front door opens with a whoosh and Adam hurries into the house with his cell phone pressed against his ear. He looks at me first and seems relieved to see I'm here. Then he glances over to where Lindsey stands, still holding the phone in her hand; a look of utter confusion on her pretty face.

  "Amanda, I need to talk to you," he says out of breath.

  Just as I'm about to tell him to go to Hell a little squeal distracts us both. Chloe has seen Adam standing in the doorway and runs past her mother to greet him. She is smiling wide, a much different reaction than she had when meeting me. Adam is obviously someone she knows. And he knows her too; getting down on his knees to hug her when she runs into his arms. Seeing Adam hug Chloe is the most painful thing I've experienced in a long time. It brings back familiar, painful memories because this little girl is reacting the same way Gabby did every time she was reunited with me during the first few months after my separation from Tommy.

  "Hi, Chloe baby," he whispers.

  Adam is clearly just as happy to see her and it's heart wrenching to witness. My keys jingle in my hand as I try to squeeze past him to get to the opened door. Adam quickly stands up again and looks at me with panic in his eyes. I feel like jabbing the keys into his stomach.

  "Don't leave, Amanda. Please. I had no idea they were coming here. There’s a lot I need to explain."

  Lindsey takes in my current expression and sees the tears welling up in my eyes. Connecting that with Adam's frantic words she finally gets what's happening. "Adam, are you sleeping with this woman?" she asks horrified.

  "That's none of your business, Lindsey. What are you even doing here?"

  "I need to talk to you. What did you think, you could just stop answering my calls and I'd give up?" she protests placing her fists on her hips.

  Adam sighs. "I didn't expect you to come hunt me down. Just stay here with Chloe; I need to talk to Amanda first."

  I shake my head adamantly. "No. I understand perfectly."

  "No you don't," he refutes. "You're right that this is Lindsey, my ex-girlfriend from Chicago. And this is her daughter, Chloe. But there's a lot more to it than that."

  "You knew about the baby," I state firmly.

  "Yes, but I'm not her father. It's very complicated and I know I should have told you before now. I'm not proud that I left them, Amanda. I didn't know how to tell you the truth."

  "Well now you don’t have too because I can't listen to any more of this. You're clearly not the man I thought you were," I say shaking my head.

  Chloe can sense the tension between me and Adam and she raises her arms to get picked up. Adam doesn't do it and Chloe begins to cry and shakes her arms at him to get his attention.

  "Please let me explain everything, Amanda. Please."

  "Up! Dada, up! Up!" Chloe cries.

  She calls him Da Da? I roll my eyes at Adam; indignant feelings winning out momentarily over grief. I don't know if he's lying or telling the truth but in this moment I don't care. I just want to walk out on him. He needs to see how royally he has screwed things up. "No. I'm leaving; you obviously have family issues to attend to."

  Adam sighs and finally picks up the whining little girl. "I'm going to call you later," he says firmly. "You have to let me explain."

  "I don't have to do any such thing. You lied to me. Knowing how important trust was to me, you still lied. Don't bother calling me," I say before turning and walking out the door. I don't mean for my words to sound so final, but I can't take them back now. If I turn around and see his face again I'll cry much harder than the few tears that have escaped my eyes up to this point. I want to save the full scale blubbering until I am alone.

  Adam starts to follow me out the door but Chloe is making noise in his arms again and I can hear Lindsey yelling at him in the background. I run to my car and quickly turn the engine over. The Honda starts up with a struggle and as I look out the rear view mirror I see Adam's parked behind me. Son of a bitch. I grab my purse and exit the car, slamming the door behind me.

  Adam is watching from the porch as I yell up to him, "Move your freaking car!" and storm off down the street on foot without looking back.

  Chapter Twenty Six: Bump in the Road

  It's been three days since I've spoken to Adam and it’s not due to his lack of attempts to contact me. He called a number of times the day Lindsey and Chloe came to Swainsboro but I refused to answer the phone. I knew it was unreasonable to not let him try and explain his side of things but I needed time to process what had happened. My insecurities got the best of me when that very beautiful ex girlfriend was staring at me like I was the odd man out. It was too much and I couldn’t bear the thought of crying in front of her. I’ve been putting off speaking to Adam for days now and it’s becoming unbearable.

  Saturday I showed up to work with my head held high to make breakfast but Adam was not there. Neither was Lindsey but her car was there so I figured they were together. That pissed me off and when his calls came in periodically throughout the day I continued to ignore them all. I even asked Rebecca to go to Thatcher's to check on the married couple that afternoon. I was too mad and felt too betrayed to hear him out. My good friend hung around to make the new guests their dinner and reported back to me that Adam and his ex lover never returned.

  Today is Monday and I went to the B&B this morning prepared again to see Adam or Lindsey or maybe both of them. The only car parked outside belonged to the married couple. Adam hasn't tried to call me today and now that his attempts at communication are waning I am beginning to feel like I've taken my rage too far. The worst part of meeting Lindsey and coming to find out they had a daughter together has been how foolish it's made me feel. I keep thinking back to all the times I wondered how Adam could be so good with my kids without having any experience with children. He swore Chloe wasn't his child but she sure acted like he was her father. She even called him Da Da.

  I've been thinking back to all the signs I saw and disregarded; like how Adam knew how to buckle Gabby's car seat and his impressive knowledge of kid TV shows. He never seemed phased by Gabby's crying or Tyler's constant interruptions when we were trying to talk. And the worst of all; that tender moment we shared when he told me not to be ashamed of my stretch marks. I should have known there was something lurking behind his nonchalant reaction to them. The sobering truth was none of these things were new to him. He’s done this all before in another life, with another woman.

  Although I knew something bad happened in Chicago I never imagined anything like this. When I learned Dr. Brickman was worried about his son in college I’d thought maybe Adam was flunking out or battling some kind of substance abuse. When Adam explained the reason he felt he had to leave was due to a woman I imagined a severely broken heart, a big muscled husband wi
th a bad temper that she was cheating on, or even a stalker ex girlfriend scenario. Never did I think Adam could have a family there.

  I can't help but wonder if my children were part of his attraction to me after all. I've never understood Adam's interest in me but perhaps this is the piece of the puzzle I've been missing. Did he think he could heal the pain from running away from his broken family in Chicago by replace them with mine? Could Adam have felt so guilty for abandoning Lindsey and Chloe that he would try to make reparations for his selfishness by caring for me and my kids? These are the questions I need answered if I ever get the courage to confront him.

  I knew getting involved with a man so soon after my divorce would come back to bite me, and this certainly feels like some rabid animal has taken a bite out of me, leaving a big gaping hole in my side. The kids have asked where Adam has been the past few days and I have no idea how to answer them. I don't even know if he is still living at Thatcher's. I haven't seen him or his car there since the incident and Lindsey's rental car is missing now too. I don't know how to explain to Tyler and Gabby that Adam might be nothing more than their pediatrician from now on.

  I am just lounging on my sofa feeling sorry for myself when my cell phone rings around eleven am. At first I think it must be Adam again so I let it ring. But then I worry that maybe it's the daycare center and either Gabby or Tyler is hurt or sick. My first thought when I see the missed call was actually Rachel is relief that the kids are safe. My second thought is that it's been more than twelve hours since Adam's tried to call me and I wonder if maybe he's starting to get the message that I don't want to hear his side of the story. The idea that Adam might give up on me is not easy to swallow. As angry as I still am at him, I don't think I'm ready to cut him out of my life. I hadn't realized that until just now as I find myself a little disappointed that it wasn't him calling. I want him to give me a damn good explanation for lying but deep down I feel like knowing the truth will hurt more than cutting him off. And I fear that I am losing him either way.

  Rachel left me a voice message so instead of listening to it I just call her back. "Hey, Rach," I greet when the call connects. "Sorry I missed-"

  "Amanda, please tell me you aren't doing anything incredibly important right now," Rachel interrupts.

  Her voice is pleading, almost frantic. "No, I'm at home. What's wrong?"

  "My idiot brother fell off his motorcycle this morning racing one of his dumb friends out on the old section of the highway. He's at the Savannah hospital."

  "Oh my God, that idiot! Is he okay?" The possibility that Brett is anything besides okay is unimaginable. My heart rate skyrockets immediately; the worry in Rachel's voice is scaring the crap out of me.

  "Yes. The hospital just got a hold of me. They brought him in with some bruised ribs and a sprained wrist. They want me to pick him up but I'm supposed to open the restaurant in an hour."

  "Thank God he's alright. So you need me to go get him?"

  "Yeah, but the nurse I talked to warned me that he can't be left alone just yet. He's in a lot of pain. I'm trying to find one of the girls to cover my shift tonight but I need someone who can work the bar. I can't ask my dad to try to watch Brett; he needs enough help of his own."

  "Don't be ridiculous, I'll take care of him. The kids are in daycare and I don't have to pick them up for a few hours. I'll go over now and bring him back to my house, okay?"

  "Okay, thank you so much, Amanda."

  "It's no problem; I want to help. Will Richard be okay without Brett around today?" I ask.

  "Yeah, he'll be okay until I get home. Sean’s going to stop by the house on his lunch break. Can you make Brett give him a call once he's settled? Dad’s really worried about him and he wants to chew him out about that bike," Rachel replies. Her voice has evened out a bit and I can tell she's calmer knowing Brett will be taken care of while she's at work.

  "Will do, but he won't be the first to lay into that boy. I can't believe he was so stupid."

  Rachel sighs. "I know. We all want to do the same. Just go easy on him today, Mandy. The nurse told me he's pretty mad at himself already."

  "Okay. I'm going to get dressed and head right over to the hospital."

  "You're wearing pajamas? It's 11:15, that's not like you at all."

  "It's a long story for another day. I'll send you some text updates after I get Brett back here."

  "Thank you again. You're a brother saver."

  I chuckle, "I know. Talk to you in a bit."

  "Bye."

  Two and a half hours later I am helping a weak and battered Brett into my house. It's not an easy task given his height. I feel bad for the guy, because he's obviously hurting in a big way, but I can't wait until he's healed so I can punch him in the gut for scaring me so badly. I get Brett to the couch and help him gingerly onto his back. He groans a little as he tries to get comfortable and I place a throw pillow under his head.

  "How's that?" I ask once he's stopped squirming.

  "It's okay. Do you have my meds?"

  "Yes, but you took two in the hospital before we left. The doctor told me to only give them to you every four hours."

  "Screw the doctor's orders. My whole body is aching," Brett whines.

  "That's what happens when you hit the pavement at fifty miles an hour. You're lucky you didn't break any bones. You're a reckless stupid bastard."

  Brett opens one eye and sees me biting my lip, trying to keep my emotions in check. He knows me too well; he can see how much the thought of losing him has shaken me. "I'm sorry, honey. I know I was being stupid. The guys down at the shop were egging me on; I caved to the peer pressure."

  "Well, you scared me and Rachel half to death. Your poor sister has so many things on her plate already with the restaurant and your dad. Idiot little brothers should not be on the list."

  "I know, I know. But Marty was telling the guys that his Kawasaki was faster than my rat bike. I had to prove him wrong. I didn’t see the pothole in the road."

  "Does your bike ride at all anymore?" I ask.

  Brett's face twists in pain and I think it's from thinking about the condition of his motorcycle rather than his injuries. "I'm not sure but if it needs fixing the guys at the shop better help me at no charge. The race was their idea."

  "Yeah, well I bet they regret that now because all those jackasses are going to have to work extra hours at the shop until you're back on your feet," I say.

  Brett makes the pained face again. "The doctor told me to stay home and rest for a whole week. Do you think that's really necessary?"

  "I would do what the doctors told you. Don't worry, you can stay here tonight. And I'll keep an eye on you all day tomorrow until Rachel can come get you. I asked Rebecca to watch over the B&B anyway, and Tommy is taking the kids tomorrow afternoon."

  "Where are the little squirts right now?"

  "They're still at school. I'll have to leave in a little while to go get them. We should call your dad before I go. He wants to make sure you're still in one piece."

  Brett frowns and looks up at the ceiling. He knows that this accident has put a lot of stress on Rachel but it has also affected Richard. He already feels like a burden most of the time; and now that Brett is in need there's nothing he can do to help.

  "Is there anyone else we should call? Any lady friends wondering where you are?" I ask trying to lighten the mood.

  "Nope, no lady friends right now," Brett answers shaking his head. "I haven't had much luck keeping any of them around lately."

  "Why is that?" I ask with genuine interest.

  "I haven't met anyone that's special, I guess. I've been more serious about who I go out with lately.”

  “You have?”

  “For the past year or so."

  This surprises me since Brett has always been a bit of a ladies man. He's the type you don't expect to settle down any time soon, so the timing has me a little suspicious. It's so close to when I left Tommy. I take Brett's large hand in mine and inter
lock my fingers with his. "It doesn't have anything to do with me, does it?"

  "You?"

  "Our affair," I clarify.

  Brett smiles. "No, Mandy. I know what that was about for you."

  "You do? What do you think it was about for me?"

  He squeezes my hand. "It was you needing to be reckless for once in your life. You were risking everything by breaking away from your marriage. I was like your Amish teenager's week of partying. And my amazing sexual expertise made you choose to stay out in the real world instead of returning to Tommy."

  I know he's joking but Brett's words are still shocking. "I already made up my mind to leave him. It was not because of you," I reply rolling my eyes.

  "I know, Mandy. I'm teasing you, but sometimes I feel guilty about it. Like, maybe you might have still gone back to him if what we did hadn't made that option almost impossible. I mean, how would you have ever explained that to him?"

  I shake my head and open the palm of his hand, bringing it up to cup my cheek. "You didn't ruin my marriage. I did that. Tommy and I are responsible for that. Brett, what you did was give me strength. I don't know how to explain it other than to say that time with you was my introduction to the world of possibilities that I'd already chosen to go after. I have never, ever blamed our affair for my divorce."

  Brett's thumb rubs over my cheek affectionately and he smiles a little. "I thought maybe you were ashamed of me because of how you react every time I mention it."

  "I have never been ashamed of you Brett Tyson. Sex is an embarrassing topic for me. It's still a dirty little secret of mine; not because it was you involved, but me. So I don't like how you throw it out in casual conversation sometimes. It was personal, and even though I told Rebecca and Adam about it I still don't want Tommy to know."