Notes on His Pillow

by Diana Currie

  "You told Adam?" Brett chuckles. "What did he say?"

  I scowl at my friend because he is too giddy to hear about Adam's reaction. "He was surprised. He thinks you might have feelings for me."

  "Of course I do, but not the way he's thinking I'm sure. You're a hottie, Amanda. I'm glad I got a taste of those goodies, just like I know you don't regret being with me. But Adam doesn't need to worry; we've known each other too long, am I right?"

  Finally I smile and sit back in a more casual pose. It's a relief to know the truth of how Brett views our indiscretions; he's usually not this earnest with me. Maybe it’s the medication. It seems like I was wrong to worry he might harbor some romantic feelings and that is a big relief.

  "What happened to you on that bike today, huh? Did your life flash before your eyes or something?"

  Brett looks away momentarily and I think that I might have been right about his close call. Maybe it's just hitting him how serious today's accident could have been. "Hey," I say to get his attention back. "Are you sure you don't need anything; a blanket or a pillow? I'll get you the remote so you can watch TV. And what about some food? I can make whatever you want."

  Brett chuckles but then groans in pain from the movement in his chest. "Do you dote like this on all the B&B guests? No wonder Adam doesn't want to leave."

  I catch myself frowning at his words. Brett's accident has given me a great excuse to avoid Thatcher's for another day or so. I don't want to think about Adam at all or what it means that Lindsey is probably still in town. Focusing on Brett will help me avoid thinking about this hole in my chest that only seems to be growing larger as the days pass.

  "Mandy, what did I say?" Brett asks concerned.

  "Nothing, it's just that... well I think Adam did leave. I mean I'm not sure if he's been at the B&B or maybe his parents’ house the last few days," I reply thinking about how his car never seems to be in the driveway when I go past.

  "Why don't you know? Did you guys have a fight?"

  I huff and wipe a stray tear from my eye. "I don't think you can call what we had a fight. Adam withheld some really important information from me and now I refuse to talk to him."

  "Why didn't you tell me?"

  I shrug. "It hurts to think about it. I'm not sure if things are going to work out between us after all."

  "It must have been really bad, whatever he kept from you."

  "It was."

  "Does it have to do with that girlfriend in Chicago?"

  "Yeah. Why, what do you know?"

  Brett sighs. "Remember when we went to Sarah's and you and Becca came back from the bathroom to find me and Brickman having a little tiff?"

  I nod my head. I never did ask either of them what that had been about. "Yeah..."

  "Well, he got a phone call from the ex girlfriend; answered it right in front of me and Eric. It was brief, and sounded like she was asking him for money. I'm not sure, but after he hung up all he said was the situation was complicated. He said that he was having trouble breaking ties with his old life."

  I roll my eyes. "Yeah, that's about as much as I've gotten out of him too."

  "Well he asked me not to say anything to you about it. I got mad because I knew how much you liked him. I didn't want to see you getting hurt."

  "What else did he say?" I urge.

  "Nothing. You girls came back and we dropped it. Maybe I should have told you anyway, huh?"

  "It doesn't matter now. I'm not sure I even want to know the whole story. I'm going to go make you some lunch before getting the kids. How does grilled cheese and tomato soup sound?"

  "Like Heaven," Brett says winking. "Oh, hey Amanda?"

  "Yeah?" I say patting his leg and reaching to hand him the remote as I get up from the couch.

  "Can you please, please get me my meds now?"

  "Okay, fine... in forty five minutes!" I say sternly before retreating to the kitchen.

  What Brett has just told me does nothing to help me figure out what to do about Adam. It only gives me new cause for concern. So many little clues about Adam are surfacing in my mind. Part of me really does want to know what the Hell has been going on this whole time he's lived in Swainsboro, and the other part of me is scared to death to know any more than I already do. I try not to think about it as I make Brett his lunch and help him sit up enough to eat it. Then I go to the daycare and pick up my babies. I always feel whole when they are with me and I'm doing a lot better once we're on our way home.

  As we drive past the B&B I notice that Adam's car is still gone. So is Lindsey's rental. I don't know if she has left Swainsboro or is she's with Adam. If he's really staying at the Brickman's house I can't even imagine him bringing her there. What must Caroline and Gregory think of all this? They have such a low opinion of Lindsey already; I just hope that if I'm right they are at least being nice to Chloe. None of this is her fault, the poor babe. It's all such a mess. The challenge of bringing Adam into my broken family was difficult enough; to know he has one of his own adds another layer of complications. But if I am willing to hear him out then I’ll need to figure out how Chloe fits into his life; it would only be right after he accepted my kids so readily.

  In the car I explain what happened to Uncle Brett so the kids aren't scared when they see him laid up on the sofa. I make a point to drive home just how dangerous motorcycles are. No way in Hell I want Tyler ever riding one. My heart couldn't take it. When we get inside the house Gabby runs right over to Brett to inspect his injuries. She's fascinated by the bandages and the scrape on his head.

  "Gabby, no!" I chide when she reaches out to touch it.

  Brett chuckles lightly. "It's okay, Squirt. I'm going to be just fine. Do I look hideous?"

  "Yeah," she replies. Tyler and I laugh at her honesty. Even Brett seems in better spirits now that the kids are here.

  Rachel calls about seven o'clock to check on us. I let her know that Brett is resting comfortably and the kids are only bothering him the normal amount. Tyler is making us all watch Paw Patrol and Gabby keeps trying to poke and prod his bandages when he's not looking. Rachel laughs and says it will be good for him to be around family for a little while. I know she means me and the kids but that reminds me of Richard. I tell her that Brett did call his dad and assured him that he'll make a full recovery. Rachel thanks me at least five times throughout the conversation. After we hang up I get the kids a snack, put on a movie we can all enjoy, and just relax with the people I love the most. I try to not think at all about where Adam might be or who he is with.

  The next day we all take it easy. I let the kids stay home from daycare and watch movies with Uncle Brett. Tommy will be picking them up later and I want to spend some time with them since I'm not working. Of course this is thrilling to them. I love how easy it is sometimes to makes kids happy. By lunchtime they are still in their pajamas, watching Peter Pan in the living room, and having a blast. Brett seems a little better today. He's still asking for his medicine before it's time to take it but he's sitting up a little more on the sofa and his appetite is back to normal.

  Rebecca knocks on the door around lunchtime and I'm very happy to see her. Not only is she going to get me up to speed on what's been going on at the B&B but she arrives with a brown paper bag filled with hot sandwiches. "What have you got there?" I ask smiling as I open the door.

  She holds the bag out to me with a big grin. "Two meatball subs, two chicken parmigiana, and two grilled cheese! And there are chips and sodas too."

  "You're amazing. Thank you. I'd forgotten how much Brett can eat."

  I take the lunch bag from Rebecca as she enters and waves at Brett and the kids in the living room. Tyler and Gabby barely notice her; their eyes are fixated on the television, but Brett acknowledges her by waving back.

  "How are you feeling, Brett?"

  He tries to pull himself into more of a sitting position but winces and gives up, his head falling back against the bed pillow propped behind him. "I've been better but doing al
right."

  "Were you wearing a helmet?" Rebecca asks as she sits cross legged on the floor next to Gabby.

  "Of course, I'm not a complete idiot," Brett replies.

  Gabby looks up at Rebecca and says, "Uncle Brett fell down. He has boo boo's everywhere."

  Tyler giggles and adds, "Even on his butt?" My son is getting to the age where even the mention of someone's rear end is a reason to laugh. He's getting it from daycare, and I know this is only the beginning of the potty humor and typical little boy antics that's in store for me in the years to come.

  Brett huffs playfully and tries to reach his hand far enough to smack Tyler's arm but he's short by a few inches. "I didn't fall on my butt!" he protests in a childish tone which only makes Tyler and Gabby laugh more.

  "I'm going to go get plates and napkins," I say leaving Rebecca alone with the three kids.

  We sit on the floor and eat together at the coffee table Japanese-style. Rebecca fills me in on the married couple that checked into Thatcher's a few days ago. I feel bad for not being there at all but Rebecca insists she doesn't mind helping me out. It's summer time so she isn't working at the elementary school. I'm still doing the accounting and Rebecca brought me some receipts and paperwork today so I don't feel like a complete slacker. I know I need to get back to work soon though.

  As if Rebecca can sense my train of thought she chooses that moment to mention Adam. "So someone who's been MIA the past few days came back this morning," she hints.

  "Was he alone?" I ask under my breath. The kids don't really understand what is happening between me and Adam, having not met Lindsey and Chloe. They only know that Adam has been "busy" working lately, which is the excuse I gave them for his absence.

  "Yes, he was alone. I was making beds upstairs when he came in and I heard him walk all around the house looking for you. He was so disappointed when he saw me there instead. He looked like a lost puppy."

  Rebecca is the only person I've told the entire story too. At first she was even more upset than I was but I am sensing something has changed. "Did he say anything about me? Or Lindsey?"

  "He wanted to leave you a note but I told him you might not be back for a few days. I explained what happened to Evil Knievel here."

  Brett grumbles. She smiles at him in a snide way and hands me a folded piece of paper. "So here it is; I promised to deliver it to you."

  My stomach tightens into knots just from the knowledge that Adam has passed a message along to me. If I read this it will be the first words from Adam I've let get through to me since I walked out on him. Who am I kidding? Of course I'm going to read it. I take the note from her hand and carefully unfold the hummingbird stationary that I recognize from the check in desk.

  My dearest Amanda,

  No matter what you think you want, this is not over between us. I have made mistakes but they are not what you assume. I have never lied when it comes to my feelings for you. More genuine words have never been spoken when I said I loved you. I am still in love with you and it will never be over for me. I will tell you anything you need to know, if you would only let me explain. –Adam

  I read his words over three times memorizing them. When I look up at Rebecca her face has the most sympathetic and pleading expression. I don't know what else he told her but she has definitely switched over to Team Adam in this mess.

  "You read my note!" I accuse. "I can see the guilty look on your face."

  Rebecca smiles. "I confess. So sue me. What about it though? Will you talk to him?"

  "I want to but so much has changed. I just don't know how things can work out for us now," I reply.

  "I spent over an hour with him this morning, Mandy. He really wanted someone to talk to. I heard his story; listened to his explanations. I kind of feel bad for him; he looks like hell. Please, please, tell me you're going to hear him out?"

  I roll my eyes but know that I couldn't have held out much longer even before this sweet declaration in Adam's elegant handwriting arrived. "Fine. Yes, I'll give him one chance to explain his side of things. But I swear to you, Rebecca Thatcher, if my heart gets broken it will be you who has to listen to me moan and grieve for however long it takes to get over him."

  "Thank God! I promise to stick by you no matter what. Now go upstairs and clean yourself up, you look like you haven't showered in four days."

  "You're sort of right about that... but what's the hurry? Do I stink?" I ask while sniffing my T-shirt.

  "You have to get ready!" she insists. "I knew you would cave after reading that note so I told Adam you'd meet him at the B&B in an hour."

  "An hour? From now? I have Brett here, and the kids. Tommy isn't picking them up until two o'clock."

  "I'll stay with them. This is important,” Rebecca states. “You should wear the pink blouse. Adam likes you in pink."

  Chapter Twenty Seven: The Truth

  I take a deep breath before turning the doorknob outside Thatcher's B&B. I want a future with the man waiting inside but after we talk tonight the reality of that future might looks very different than I've pictured in my head. I don't know where Chloe, the little dark haired two year old who calls Adam Dada, fits into my future with him. And I don't know if Adam's vision for our future has ever matched mine the way I thought it did. The only way to find out is to face Adam eye to eye and let him explain the entire truth behind his relationship with Lindsey and what really happened in Chicago. This talk has been a long time coming, and in a way I'm partially to blame for not having insisted on having it before now. So slowly I turn the knob and enter the place that is now saturated with reminders of Adam.

  The B&B is where we met, shared our first kiss, and spent countless hours getting to know one another. With any luck it won't be the place where our relationship ends but as I walk through the door I have no idea what to expect. The first thing I see inside the house is Adam; he's pacing the living room in front of a lit fire. He hasn't noticed me yet and in the moments I have before he sees me I carefully take in his appearance. He’s dressed in slacks and a linen shirt as I'm used to seeing but something is different. I think it's his hair, looking more unruly than usual as if he's been running his fingers through it in agitation. And there’s worry on his face; he looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

  "Hi, Adam," I say in a small voice.

  He looks up, startled, and stops pacing. "Amanda. I'm so glad you came. Did Rebecca give you my note?"

  "Yes. I'm here because I love you too and you're right that I haven't given you a chance to explain."

  Adam motions for me to come sit in the wing back chair by the fire. I cross the room hesitantly; he chose the place in the house that has the most significance to us as a couple. He looks nervous as I sit and part of me is glad this will be difficult for him. The past four days have been no picnic for me either. I expect him to sit in the other chair but instead he resumes his pacing in front of the fireplace.

  "First, I am so sorry that Lindsey showed up here unannounced. I can't imagine how difficult that was for you," Adam begins.

  "It was unpleasant for sure, but it was seeing Chloe that really hurt. How could you neglect to tell me you had a daughter in Chicago, Adam?"

  His feet stop momentarily as I speak but after absorbing my words he continues wearing a path in the hardwoods. "For a long time I tried to think of her as my daughter. I really wanted it to be true, and when I found out that it wasn't I was heartbroken. I thought it shouldn't matter."

  "I'm confused already. Will you please stop moving, I'm getting dizzy watching you," I say.

  "I should start at the beginning," Adam sighs and finally sits in the chair besides me. "When Lindsey and I were together it wasn't a good relationship. I knew it would never last but at the time I was okay with that. I was so busy with school that it was kind of a relief that Lindsey didn't want to spend every night with me. She had her life, I had mine, and when there was time we'd be together. I was more devoted to my studies than my girlfriend and I thought it was g
reat that Lindsey was cool with that. Unfortunately, what I didn't count on was that the nights I wasn't sleeping in Lindsey’s bed she was out looking for someone else who would."

  "So she cheated on you?"

  Adam nods. "I was completely shocked the night she admitted her affair to me. I wondered why she was even bothering to tell me the truth since I had been so clueless. I assumed it was because she wanted to break up, but that wasn't the reason for her honesty. The truth was she was pregnant and since she'd had sex with both of us there was no way to know who was the father of the baby. She was scared, humiliated, and wanted to know if I would stick by her. Of course I thought about leaving her; we weren't madly in love and she had been unfaithful. But I couldn't do that knowing she might be carrying my baby. She was so sure it was mine; I remember her telling me that I'd slept with her four times since her last period and only once with this Brayden guy she met at a sorority party. I figured there was an eighty percent chance it was mine."

  "But she was wrong?" I whisper.

  "Lindsey still swears by those odds but I started having doubts after finding out that she didn't know the other guy’s last name. If it turned out he'd been the father she had no way of contacting him at all. He didn't even attend our college. I promised I would stick by her until a paternity test could be done. She was so scared of being alone. So I stayed. For the next seven months I worked harder than ever to make our relationship work all the while wondering in the back of my mind what I would do if it turned out I wasn't the baby’s father."

  I couldn't imagine going through my own pregnancy not knowing for certain that Tommy was Tyler father. It must have been a very difficult time for both of them. I'm sure Lindsey was hoping Adam was the father so her baby would grow up with one and they both would have someone to take care of them. I watch Adam very closely as he continues telling me his painful story.

  "My parents were mad at me, but furious with Lindsey. After a few months she started asking me if we would get married. I resisted, saying we should wait to see what the test said. I began preparing myself for that reality if the baby was mine. I was going to do the right thing and marry her. Even though I knew our relationship was bad I felt like I had to make the responsible choice for that little life inside her."