Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  “I’m not interested in going viral or to the web, or whatever, as Gabe suggested,” Scoop was saying. “I’m getting out of the publishing business period. It’s not fun for me anymore and I’m on to bigger and better and more productively grander and grandiose things. So, that’s it.” He had the audacity to grin. “Of course, as I said, this will give me more time to focus on my other business endeavors and I sincerely hope that all of you find something worthwhile to do with your time.”

  He stood and looked at Gabe.

  “Gabe will fill you in on any other important details you may need to know. Take care everyone.”

  And just like that he pimped his creepy ass out of the door without a second glance. Shit. She sat there, like a zombie for a few long seconds.

  “Scoop pretty much said it all,” Gabe said, frustrated. “I want you all to know that I value each and every one of you and fully anticipate that you will find something soon and become a part of another great team that recognizes the worth of your services and creativity.”

  She listened half-heartedly as he told them about the minimal severance they would receive, which amounted to about a week of pay. He strongly suggested that they immediately head to the unemployment office. When he was done talking everyone just filed out of the office, like they were leaving another meeting. She didn’t know if that was normal behavior or not. She half-expected at least one person to flip out like Jerry McGuire.

  “You okay?” Jason asked her, following her to her desk.

  No. No she wasn’t freaking okay. She bit her tongue, just barely keeping herself from blurting it out. Now what was she going to do? She had bills and a student loan and a car that was on its last damn leg. No. She definitely was not okay.

  “Yeah,” she lied, forcing the numbness she’d gotten used to activating to cover her.

  She packed up the few personal items she had on her desk—a plant some publicist had sent her for writing about his artist and a pink candle Chrissy had given her the last time she was home.

  “Let me go get my stuff, too.” He frowned.

  She nodded listlessly and watched as he rounded the corner to the art room. A few seconds later her chat box blinked.

  “Make sure you copy your files and important contacts before you leave.”

  It was a warning from Jason and even through her anger she was infinitely glad he’d sent it. If she was ever going to get another job, she needed her clips and having contacts was a necessity.

  “Thanks.”

  She sat down and started copying everything on a flash drive and forwarding contacts from her work email to her personal address. Nearly an hour later, she slung her bag over her shoulder, her heart feeling heavier and heavier as the reality of her jobless situation sunk in.

  How the hell was she going to survive without a job? Her mom was already paying for her therapy with Vanessa, she didn’t have any extra to give her. And her dad barely acknowledged her existence outside of a birthday and Christmas call each year. She shook her head, forcing the numbness to wash over her again. Her chest was still too heavy though. She looked around, wondering if she was supposed to say bye to everyone or just get the hell out of the building and email them later like she really wanted to do. She chose the latter.

  She quickly walked toward the entrance and waved a hand at Sherry, who was still behind her desk on the phone as if they all still worked there.

  “Bye, sweetie,” she mouthed.

  She slid past Gabe’s office but he saw her and called her in.

  “Hey, Destiny,” he said when she stuck her head in the entranceway. “I’m so sorry this happened. I only found out this morning.”

  She nodded, shifting her weight to her other foot. Numbness. She needed numbness.

  “I just wanted to let you know you’re going to land on your feet. You’re smart. You know music and you actually have perspective in your writing, which will always be your biggest asset.”

  He paused and glanced quickly around his office like he was afraid he was going to leave something.

  “Anyway, listen, I’ll be in touch. I’ve got some things lined up already.”

  “Thanks,” she managed, hoping her voice sounded normal. She doubted it did.

  “Okay, I’ll email you,” he said, looking at her.

  She nodded again and managed a smile and quickly left his office. She pushed open the door, feeling the humidity wrap around her like a shawl. Today it didn’t feel good though. Today it was suffocating. She strode quickly to her car, already sweating, and slid into the driver’s seat. She cranked the car. Nothing. She turned the key again, this time pumping the gas as she cranked it. Nothing. She turned it again. Nothing.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

  She laid her head on the steering wheel, her heart pounding, sweat dotting her forehead. She was having a hard time breathing again. She thought of the technique Vanessa had given her when she felt like she was about to start panicking and inhaled slowly, counting to ten and then exhaled just as slowly, counting to ten again.

  “Destiny?” She looked up to see Jason standing at her window.

  She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself then finally opened the door. She couldn’t break down in front of him. She inhaled again, as subtly as she could, and pushed the air back out of her nostrils.

  “Car won’t crank?” he asked, his expression concerned.

  She shook her head. She didn’t trust herself to talk. Thank God she had her sunglasses on, hiding her eyes.

  “I can give you a ride,” he offered, easily, his brow still wrinkled.

  She nodded again. “Thanks, Jason,” she managed.

  She followed him to his jeep and he helped her up before jogging around to his side. It smelled like Febreeze and weed. She gave him her address and he put it in his navigation system, rambling about Scoop and how messed up the entire situation with UMusic was. She barely heard a word though. She just hoped she was nodding at the appropriate moments but she couldn’t even bring herself to fully care about whether or not she was accomplishing the task.

  She thanked him for the ride when they pulled up to her complex fifteen minutes later and hopped out. Her brain was already shutting down. The numbness was finally winning out over her thoughts and all she wanted to do was sleep. She pushed her way into her cool apartment, vaguely thinking that she probably wouldn’t be able to afford air conditioning anymore, in the event that she was able to actually keep her apartment, and threw her bag on the floor next to the futon.

  She somehow made her way back to her room, stripping out of her jeans as she did so. She fell onto her bed, chest heaving, eyes full of tears that couldn’t fall and closed her eyes, letting the numbness take completely over.

  * * *

  Her phone was ringing again. This time she didn’t even bother looking when she hit the button on the side of the phone, muting the loud, incessant ringing. She rolled over, letting the numbness take her under again.

  * * *

  “Destiny.”

  Someone was shaking her shoulder. She couldn’t bring herself to be alarmed that it meant that someone was in her house, in her bedroom, at her bed. She had no idea how long she’d been sleep.

  “Hey,” she mumbled, opening her eyes just briefly to see Brian standing over her, frowning worriedly.

  She felt the bed indent next to her and he pulled the covers away from her face. She sighed and rolled over to her back, regretfully opening her eyes again.

  “What’s going on?” he asked, his eyes full of concern.

  “What time is it?” She blinked her eyes. They were so heavy.

  “Nine-thirty.”

  “How’d you get in here?”

  “Dorian’s key.”

  She closed her eyes again and rolled over, turning away from him. He put a hand on her shoulder, gently rolling her back to face him.

  “What’s going on, Destiny? Your mom called me freakin
g out when she couldn’t reach you. I’ve been calling you non-stop.”

  He stared at her, waiting for her to respond.

  “I lost my job. Or we lost our jobs. The magazine closed and now I’m jobless with no job.”

  He ran a hand over his head and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, baby.”

  He gently brushed her hair back out of her face. She sat up, moving away from his touch, resting her back against the headboard. She knew he was trying to be comforting, but his caring and compassion was having the opposite effect. He studied her, his expression unreadable.

  “Oh, and my car broke down.”

  He immediately frowned. “Where is it?”

  “Parked in front of the building of the job that I no longer work at.”

  He sighed again and shook his head. “How’d you get home?” he asked, finally.

  “One of my coworkers, Jason, gave me a ride. Actually, I don’t have a co-worker anymore, so never mind.”

  He ran a hand over his head again. “Well, I’ll have the car towed here. I can take a look at it. It may be something I can fix.”

  His uncle Alfred was the local fix-it man and she knew he’d picked up some stuff along the way.

  “That’s okay,” she said, shaking her head. “Towing is expensive.”

  She slid back down into the bed and pulled the covers over herself again.

  She heard him sigh.

  “Let me handle that,” he said.

  “No, Brian, for real. I don’t need you ‘handling that’ for me. You have enough shit to deal with and I don’t want you dealing with my shit too.”

  She still hadn’t turned to face him and her voice was muffled under the covers.

  “Let me decide what I can deal with,” he countered, calmly. “It’s nothing to have your car towed, Destiny. You should’ve called me earlier when all of this was happening.”

  “Why? Why do you choose to stay around and deal with the continual shit-fest that has become my life?” She violently threw the covers off and sat up, staring at him. “Why? Because you ‘want me’?” she taunted, mocking his earlier words.

  His eyes grew dark and he stared at her silently.

  “What is it about me that makes you ‘want me’ so much, Brian? Like seriously? Because to be honest, I don’t even know who the fuck I am right now, so you couldn’t possibly know!”

  She was yelling at this point, unable to control the words from falling recklessly from her lips.

  “And my life just keeps getting more and more fucked up with every passing week and I just keep bringing more and more shit into your life that, let’s face it, neither one of us are equipped to deal with! So what, huh? What is it about me that you could possibly want!?”

  She stopped, her chest heaving. He just sat there calmly, staring at her, his expression muted. She hated his damned calm.

  “Everything,” he said softly, so that she barely heard it, the one word breaking her completely.

  “You need to leave,” she breathed, speaking as coolly as she could. Numbness. She had to keep it together.

  “Destiny…” he started.

  “No, I’m serious. Leave! Just leave, for real, okay? I can’t be responsible for your feelings when I can’t even fucking handle my own, okay?”

  He started to reach for her but she jerked away.

  “Leave! Leave!” she screamed at the top of her lungs.

  He studied her for a long moment then slowly backed up off of the bed and headed out of her room. She jumped up and ran and slammed the bedroom door, causing it to rattle violently.

  Her chest was heaving and tears were stinging at her eyes when she climbed back into the bed. She was utterly and completely drained and her chest felt like it might explode. She closed her eyes again and tried to get the numbness to return. She didn’t want to care about anything anymore.

  * * *

  She awoke with a start. She was choking. Literally. She tried to cough, tried to dislodge whatever was stuck in her throat, impeding her ability to breathe but nothing would come out. She inhaled, frantically grabbing at her comforter and tried to push the air out. Finally, it broke lose. A long, bellowing wail that started from deep in her stomach had finally freed itself from her.

  It came again, this time in a violent wave, the broken cry she released nothing like anything she’d ever heard before and she couldn’t wrap her mind around the fact that it was her making the noise. She was choking again, sobs racking her entire body, shaking her very core. The tears that had been threatening to fall in the weeks since that night were here now, and they weren’t stopping. She cried out again—a soul-wrenching noise, her body engulfed by the pain in her chest, the tears seemingly knowing no end. Every breath she sucked in came back out as a wail as the sobs completely overtook her, pulling her under.

  Then he was there.

  She didn’t know when or how, just that he was there, holding her, not letting her go, not letting her drown in herself, holding her up.

  She cried until her throat was raspy. Until her body could produce no more tears.

  Until she was empty.

  Chapter 21

  Thursday, 5:13 a.m.

  I cried for the first time since Connor Dorsey happened. It felt like I’d never stop. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why everything that has happened to me has happened. I haven’t come up with anything satisfying. I guess I could try to come up with some insightful theory or philosophy or something to explain this. But it doesn’t seem sufficient, or real. I guess some things, even terrible things, just… happen. And you just have to survive. And sometimes it’s not whether or not you survive, but HOW you survive. I guess that might be the thing that makes you the person you are. How you survive.

  She closed her journal and ran her fingers through her hair before pushing herself up from the closed toilet seat. She went to the mirror and studied herself. She looked just as terrible as she imagined. Her eyes were puffy and swollen, her face was streaked with dried tears and mascara. Her hair was a mess. She placed her journal on the back of the toilet, took off her clothes and turned on the shower.

  Ten minutes later she crept quietly back into her bedroom. Brian was in her bed lying on his side, his arm bent under his head. She stared at him, wondering what she’d done to deserve him. She tried pushing him away but he was always there, always patient with her, always loving her. And when she’d broken down last night, finally crying until she had no more tears left in her, he was there again. He obviously had never left even after she’d yelled at him to leave.

  She walked over and slid soundlessly into the bed next to him. He stirred, opening his eyes slightly. He didn’t ask her if she was okay. He just ran his fingers lightly down her face and then pulled her to him, wrapping her in his arms.

  She breathed into his neck, her arms folded between their bodies, pressing into her chest and felt the sting of tears in her eyes. She’d thought she’d cried every tear out of her body, but she realized she was wrong when she felt them sliding uncontrollably down her cheeks again.

  She pushed herself closer to him. He held her tighter, and she buried her face in his neck, her shoulders shaking as she sobbed. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the tears stopped coming and she slept.

  * * *

  Hey. Had to go to work. I would’ve left you my car, but you were knocked out and I thought you should sleep. I’ll try to get off early. Don’t forget to call your mom. I love you, cutie pie. More than____. Fill in the blank with whatever you want and it’ll be true.

  B

  She stared at the note he’d scribbled on one of the notepads she’d taken from UMusic and smiled. She called her mom and told her she was alright before making the excuse that she had to go finish a freelance article she was working on and getting off of the phone. Then she put her phone on silent, turned on Stevie Wonder’s “Visions,” so that it vibrated throughout the apartment, climbed back into bed and went to sleep.

  She didn’t know
what time it was when she finally pushed the covers off of her legs and scurried to use the bathroom. She brushed her teeth, but didn’t bother with her hair, and grabbed her journal off the back of the toilet and carried it with her to bed.

  Thursday, sometime in the afternoon, I guess.

  I just had a dream about Barnes and Noble. I remember when I was 13 I used to hang out there all of the time. All of my friends thought I was weird because every time we went to the mall to hang out, I’d leave them to go to Barnes and Noble while they walked around trying to get boys to notice them. I’d sit on the floor in one of the back aisles and just read for like, hours. It was relaxing and comforting. It helped me not have to think about whatever it was I didn’t feel like thinking about at the time. I could escape there and be okay. Brian is my Barnes and Noble.

  * * *

  She was awakened to the sound of the front door rattling. She reluctantly opened her eyes and stretched before curling herself back into a ball, the blanket securely over her head. A second later the blanket was gone and the cool air of the room swooshed over her.

  “You been in bed all day?”

  She opened her eyes again, squinting at the light that was pouring through her blinds. Brian was hovering over her, frowning. She flopped onto her back and stared at him. There wasn’t really any point in answering. He knew the answer. He sat down next to her and brushed her hair back.

  “Did you eat?”

  She shook her head, although she was sure he probably knew the answer to that too.

  “How many showers today?”

  She looked at him then rubbed her eyes. “Just one, early this morning.”

  He nodded. In satisfaction, she guessed.

  “Alright, well there’s a milkshake in the refrigerator. I’ll be downstairs.”

  He brushed a finger on the tip of her nose and stood. She nodded and grabbed her phone, rolling over to her side when he left the room. It was already four-fifteen. She covered her head back up, fully prepared to go back to sleep. She’d just closed her eyes when she heard noises coming from outside. It hadn’t even dawned on her to ask why he was going downstairs. She peered out of the window and saw her car had been dropped off.