Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  She pulled on some shorts and brushed her hair up into a bun before slipping on her flip-flops heading to her front door and quickly jogging down the stairs. Being holed up all day, she’d forgotten how hot it was and the heat hit her instantly, entering her skin and sticking to it like saran wrap. She walked down the stairs toward her car. Brian had the hood popped and was fiddling around with the wires. He looked over at her as if he expected her to be standing there.

  “I think it’s your alternator.”

  “Is it serious?” Her throat was dry and raspy. She put a hand to her eyes to block the sun and shifted her weight.

  “Nope. I can fix it.” He glanced at the time on his phone. “I can do it tonight if I leave now.”

  He shut the hood. “I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

  She nodded.

  “Go drink the milkshake, okay?”

  She nodded again and turned to go but he grabbed her hand, pulling her to him. He kissed her, lingering for a few seconds, pressing his forehead to hers. She ran her hands up his forearms and back down, stopping when she reached his hands, interlacing his fingers with hers. Finally he let go and stepped back, pushing his sunglasses back down over his incredibly long eyelashes. She smiled, thinking he shouldn’t even be allowed to wear them. She turned and headed back up the stairs.

  When he pushed through the door almost three hours later she was in the middle of the floor, stretching like the yoga master on the DVD Raven had given her was telling her to do.

  At first she’d climbed back into bed. But when Brian came upstairs to get some paper towels he’d gently told her that she should probably get up, for just a little while anyway. So she did. She took another shower. She called Dorian back and reassured him that she was okay, even though she knew Brian had already talked to him. She’d called Raven and gave her the nutshell version of what was going on. She’d immediately suggested that she should take a road trip to Tallahassee to visit her since she had the down time.

  And, she’d responded to an email she’d gotten from Gabe, who strangely already had a job lead for her. The thing was, it was in Phoenix and it was copywriting for a small marketing company that one of his frat brothers had told him about. He’d said there was no way he was moving to Phoenix for the job, but since that was her hometown, he figured she might’ve been interested. She went ahead and the sent the guy her resume and some clips, mostly because it made her feel like she was at least trying to pretend to be proactive about her jobless state instead of wallowing in depression.

  After that, she took Brian down a bottle of water and nearly fainted at the sight of him in his ribbed tank top and jeans, all sweaty and greasy and looking like something out of the pages of a magazine. And now she was in the living room practicing yoga in effort to calm her thoughts.

  “Hey,” she said, stretching to touch her toes, as she looked up at him.

  “Hey.”

  He studied her for a minute, watching. She moved to sit on her knees and stretched her arms above her head, bringing them together until her palms met, exhaling. He cleared his throat.

  “I’m gonna hop in the shower, is that cool?”

  She smiled at him and exhaled. He grinned and ran a hand over his head before turning to walk down the hall that led to her tiny bathroom. She heard the shower come on and closed her eyes, listening to the gentle commands of the instructor, calming herself as she stretched in the various poses.

  When he came back in twenty minutes later she was nearing the end of her practice. She automatically opened her eyes and smiled again, exhaling audibly as she stretched back into downward dog, letting her system calm down, inhaling and exhaling, steadying her breathing as she closed her eyes. She moved back down to her stomach, stretching her chest and back in the cobra pose, still breathing calmly. She went through the rest of the cool down, which only took a couple of minutes, ending with her sitting upright, her legs crossed in front of her, her palms together in the prayer position. She bowed and grinned at him.

  The hunger in his eyes was unmistakable. He’d been sitting on the futon, silently, watching her she guessed. She had kind of zoned out on him.

  “Hi,” she said quietly.

  “Hi.”

  They stared at each other, neither one of them saying anything, but both of them sort of saying everything. They both knew their relationship had shifted again, bringing them closer, making them more vulnerable to each other’s ups and downs than ever before. His eyes travelled over her.

  “You might not need to do yoga in front of me anymore,” he said darkly, a trace of a smile on his lips, as he took in her leggings and fitted spaghetti-strapped tank top. “Or maybe you always need to do yoga in front of me. Every night. Forever.”

  She grinned, still comfortable sitting in the middle of the floor.

  “You make it sound dirty,” she finally said. Her voice was still hoarse from all of the crying she’d done over the past twenty-four hours.

  “It looked a little like porn,” he shrugged, with a lopsided grin.

  Her cheeks heated and she giggled. “It did not.”

  He nodded his head. “It did. Not that I minded. At all.”

  “Yoga is a natural practice that teaches you to move with the earth and calm your energy.”

  He chuckled softly. “Yeah, well, watching you ‘move with the earth’ did not calm my ‘energy’ at all. My ‘energy’ is actually the exact opposite of calm right now.”

  She grinned and shook her head at the suggestive implication of his words. His eyes trailed over her again.

  “Come’ere,” he said, beckoning her with a head nod.

  She pushed out a breath and stood, then walked slowly to him. She was about to sit down next to him but he pulled her onto his lap so that her legs were stretched out on the futon. She met his eyes, feeling more raw and exposed than she ever had. She’d shown him her insides. And he hadn’t run or turned away. He’d stayed and bought her a milkshake.

  “Thank you for fixing my car.” She met his eyes and he grinned slightly.

  “You’re welcome.”

  “And thank you for… being here.” She looked down at her hands then back to him.

  “I’ll always be here,” he said pointedly. “If you let me be.”

  She released a breath and looked at him. Would it be fair to him, to let him be there for her? She hesitated and he waited, watching as she gathered her thoughts. “Last night was… intense.”

  “Last night was life,” he countered gently, his eyes somber. “It was just… life, love. Life is intense sometimes. Trust me, I know.”

  His eyes grew distant again and she wondered what, or who he was seeing. When he refocused on her she pushed out a breath. “You have to just let go sometimes,” he said softly.

  She felt like she was on the verge of tears again, so she looked down at her hands, studying her cuticles as she bit her lip.

  “I just feel so heavy, Brian,” she shook her head. “But I breathe better when I’m with you,” she told him, finally looking up again.

  She knew her face was flushed but she didn’t care. Surprise briefly colored his expression, before his gaze softened. His love for her was evident in his eyes and she let herself relish in it, soaking it up as she stared back at him.

  All she had to do was tell him she loved him. But she was scared of so many things. Scared of what it would mean, of how long it would last. Of what would and should be expected of her once those words were uttered. She didn’t know if she could live up to the expectations that saying it would bring, so she held it in. It crept through her, planting itself into every fiber of her being, but she swallowed it down. Instead, she pressed her lips against his, breathing his air, absorbing his warmth.

  She kissed him more intently, grabbing at his t-shirt, pulling him closer and swung her leg over his hip so that she was straddling him. Her hands pushed under his shirt and she ran them down the hard planes of his chest, halting at the waistband of his boxers. He pull
ed back and looked at her, his breathing ragged.

  “You’ll stay with me tonight?” she asked breathily.

  She didn’t wait for his response. She just slid soundlessly off of his lap, heading down the narrow hall toward her bedroom. He got up and followed, flicking off the living room light. There was a candle flickering on her nightstand, and she turned off the bedroom light before heading to her closet to get one of the ribbed tank tops she’d stolen from him.

  She pushed off her tank top and unsnapped her bra, shrugging out of it before pulling his tank top over her head. She was aware that he was watching her from his spot on the edge of the bed. She wasn’t trying to give him a show, but she wasn’t trying to be modest either. She turned and faced the bed before stepping out of her spandex. She could see his chest rising and falling under the soft light of the candle as he watched her. His tank top barely covered her upper thighs and she knew it was riding up even further as she crossed the room to sit next to him on the bed.

  He ran his fingers lightly down her face then softly traced his thumb over her bottom lip. He inhaled sharply when she kissed it, flicking her tongue against it before drawing the tip of it into her mouth.

  “Damn, Destiny,” he murmured throatily, surprise lacing his voice.

  She grinned and took his hand, interlacing her fingers with his, watching him as she trailed it slowly, deliberately from her lips down her chin to the base of her throat, to her collarbone, between her breasts to her navel. She bit her lip, watching him breathe heavily, his gaze hooded. She didn’t break eye contact with him when she placed his hand on her thigh before leaning forward and kissing him, nipping lightly at his bottom lip before flicking her tongue against the spot.

  His breathing was ragged when she straddled him, pushing him down onto the bed. She was kissing him with abandon, soft sounds escaping her lips—sounds that belonged to him. There was no hesitation tonight. She knew what she wanted. She wanted him.

  She urgently pressed her lips into his neck, kissing and licking where she found skin, stretching herself over his body. He grabbed at her waist, pulling her tighter to him, releasing a throaty moan at the feel of her pressed intimately against him. She moaned and rubbed herself against him, kissing him deeply again. They were both panting when he pushed his hand under her tank top, trailing his fingers lightly up the side of her rib cage to the underside of her breast before pulling his hand away and smoothing her tank top back down.

  “You don’t have to hold back, Brian,” she murmured breathily against his mouth. “I don’t want you to hold back.”

  She nipped at his bottom lip again and he moaned throatily, flipping her onto her back. He hovered over her, balancing his weight on his arms as he looked down into her eyes.

  “I don’t want to push you, baby,” he said, his voice deep. “We can stay right here, okay? I’m really, really good with this.”

  He grinned crookedly at her, and trailed a finger from her full lips all the way down to her hips.

  “You’re not pushing me,” she whispered, feeling a bit desperate under his touch, as she ran her hands up his biceps, gathering courage. “I want you to make love to me.”

  His breath hitched and he paused, soaking in her features as her face flushed.

  “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to hear you say that?” he admitted. “How many ways I’ve imagined you saying it?”

  She smiled up at him before arching her hips against him impatiently. He leaned down and kissed her hungrily, and she wound her arms around his neck pulling him closer as she arched up again. Finally, he dropped his weight onto her, pressing into her intimately. He ran his hand up the softness of her thigh, his fingers trailing along her panty line.

  Her breath immediately hitched at his touch, at his heaviness on top of her and she felt the unwanted coldness invading her belly, but swallowed it down, closing her eyes. She wouldn’t freak out again. She wouldn’t.

  “Are you okay, love?” he asked, reading her expression, staring down at her with concern. He pushed himself up again, hovering over.

  She nodded quickly, trying to pull him back down. She wanted this. She could push through it.

  “We can slow down,” he said, still studying her. “We don’t have to do anything tonight, okay? This is as far as we’ll go.”

  “No,” she countered immediately, shaking her head, trying to pull him down again. “I want this. Really. I want you, Brian.”

  She looked up at him pleadingly and bit her lip. He lowered himself slowly onto her again, and she felt him hard against her. Her stomach rolled again as memories flashed and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to calm her breathing.

  “You’re not okay,” he breathed. He rolled off of her and she opened her eyes.

  “Don’t stop,” she said quickly.

  He pushed himself onto his elbow, looking down at her.

  “It’s alright, baby,” he murmured, his eyes worried. “I’m good with just being here with you.”

  She sighed, frustrated. “I don’t want you to stop though. I don’t want this to be like this. I really do want to be with you, Brian.”

  He leaned over and kissed her lips. “And you will be.”

  “I mean now,” she glared at him, pushing out a breath. She sat up and ran her fingers through her hair. “I can push through it and it’ll be okay.”

  He sat up, looking at her. “I don’t want you having to push through anything when we’re together. You shouldn’t have to do that, baby. When it happens, I need to know you’re here with me, feeling like I am. I told you we don’t need to rush anything. Because trust me, I want to take my time with you.”

  She looked away, tears pricking at her eyes. “I just want to feel normal with you. It’s so frustrating to want you as much as I do and then freeze up. I feel like I’m disappointing you. I know you’ll say I’m not, but… I can’t help feeling like that.”

  She shook her head.

  “Hey,” he said, pressing his lips to her bare shoulder. She looked over at him. “I love you. I love you, Destiny. Do you know how it feels just to be here with you now? To finally be able to kiss this mole right here?” He kissed the space between her collarbone and her neck. “I’ve wanted to kiss that mole for a really long time.”

  He kissed her chin, then the dent below her bottom lip. He met her eyes. He was staring through her again and her breathing automatically increased.

  “When I told you I wondered about whether or not something was wrong with me because that’s how much I think about you, I wasn’t lying. You’re my thought in between thoughts.” He paused, looking at her. “You’re the reason I’m in Miami.”

  She stared at him, wide-eyed, unable to breathe.

  “Nothing about you is a disappointment, so don’t say that again.”

  She slowly released the breath she’d been holding. “I thought you came to Miami for a job.”

  “I could’ve gotten a job anywhere. I’m the shit, remember?”

  He grinned playfully at her before rolling onto his back. “Hell, I could’ve stayed where I was. I needed to be near you.”

  He turned his head to look at her. She stared down at him, biting her lip.

  “That’s a lot of pressure, Brian,” she breathed anxiously.

  He chuckled and ran a hand over his head. “I’m not asking you to be my wife or anything, cutie pie... yet,” he replied easily, winking at her petrified expression. “So, don’t go getting any weirder than you already are.”

  “Stop calling me weird,” she laughed, pushing at his shoulder. He grabbed her and dragged her down next to him, trapping her beneath him.

  “I’m hungry, you hungry?” He pecked her lips. “I think we should order pizza.” He kissed her lips again then pushed himself off of the bed, and grabbed his phone off the nightstand. She sighed and got up to turn on the bedroom light.

  Chapter 22

  “Okay, Rihanna or Beyoncé?”

  Destiny took a sip of her lemonade and waited
for him to answer. At her suggestion they were playing what she’d brilliantly dubbed The Question Game back in middle school. He was lounging with his back against the headboard and he turned to look at her.

  “Destiny Michaels,” he answered quickly. “She’s sexy as hell.”

  She rolled her eyes, laughing. “You can’t keep saying my name whenever I ask you a question. Okay, if you had to pick a cougar, would it be Sade or Halle Berry?”

  “Sade,” he sighed, eyeing her. “And it’s my turn. Would you rather lose your pinky toe or your big toe?”

  She burst into giggles and sat her glass on the nightstand next to her.

  “That’s a stupid question. That’s not even how the game goes.”

  He grinned, closing his eyes. “Didn’t anyone ever tell you there’s no such thing as a stupid question?”

  “Didn’t anyone ever tell you that’s a lie?”

  He chuckled. “Whatever. The point is, I’m not interested in hearing who you think is sexy. Sorry.”

  He didn’t sound sorry at all and she sighed dramatically, her eyes falling on the sky picture that was hanging above her desk.

  “You’re sleepy, huh?” she asked unnecessarily, turning to peer at him.

  He nodded, still not opening his eyes.

  “It is like, two in the morning, love,” he replied.

  “You said you have tomorrow off though,” she whined.

  “That doesn’t mean I want to stay up all night with you answering questions about celebrities I don’t care that much about and will probably never meet,” he countered, barely opening his eyes.

  She slapped at his shoulder, giggling. “Fine,” she sighed again.

  She leaned over and flicked off the lamp.

  “Stop pouting,” he said, pulling her down and pinning her beneath his arms. He rolled her over so that she was facing him and slapped her butt lightly, causing her to yelp.