Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  “Goodnight,” he said, kissing her nose.

  She squirmed closer to him, throwing her leg over his hip, tangling them together. He wrapped her in his arms and she was sleep within just a few minutes.

  * * *

  She didn’t know what time it was when she rolled over but she knew it was still the middle of the night. Her legs were still tangled with Brian’s and he was sleeping peacefully on his back, his arm bent behind his head, the other across his bare chest.

  She scooted even closer to him, laying her head on his chest, tracing the outline of his tattoo with her finger. She was barely awake but felt arousal stirring in the pit of her stomach. She inched closer, this time moving her head to press her lips to his neck. Without really thinking about what she was doing trailed her fingers down his chest to the waistband of his boxers.

  He stirred against her, automatically pulling her closer to him. Her brain was still foggy, still not completely free from sleep but the yearning in the pit of her stomach was overpowering and she trailed her hand a bit lower. He jerked automatically, placing his hand on top of hers, moving it back up to his stomach.

  “What are you doing, baby?” he murmured, his voice still heavy with sleep.

  But she knew he was aroused too, there wasn’t any denying it. Delirious with sleep, or the emotion of the past day, or just him, she pushed herself on top of him, planting kisses into his neck. The sound of their breathing mingled with the nighttime noises of the apartment. He wrapped his arms around her, sliding them down to her hips, pulling her tighter against him.

  She wasn’t sleeping in boxers tonight and she quickly pushed her panties down, wriggling out of them before he had time to stop her, before she had time to think. She just wanted to feel him.

  His breathing was audible now and she kissed him hungrily, sliding herself against him intimately. She unexpectedly moaned aloud at the feel of him through the thin material of his boxers. She moved her hips rhythmically against him again, desperate for the feel of him. He pulled at her hips and pushed up to meet her, breathing heavily, as he nipped her chin. She was whimpering softly now, the friction she was creating with her movements was too much. He groaned throatily and suddenly flipped her onto her back. He stared down at her, his chest rising and falling in quick spurts.

  “Hi.” His voice was heavy, still laced with sleep as he hovered over her. The moonlight was glowing dimly through the blinds, lining his face with its pattern.

  She arched against him, wrapping her legs around his hips.

  “Hi,” she breathed, restlessly.

  This time there wasn’t any fear or anxiety or overthinking. She quickly pushed down his boxers and he kicked out of them, flinging them somewhere into the darkness. Then she shrugged out of her tank top. His breath caught and he took his time looking at her, soaking her in. She squirmed beneath his gaze, but didn’t look away. It was the first time anyone had ever seen her completely naked, and she was glad that it was him that was seeing her.

  “If you knew how beautiful you were you’d probably never put on clothes,” he murmured.

  She smiled, heat spreading from the top of her head to the very tip of her toes. He ran his hand slowly down the side of her face, down the side of her neck, over her shoulder, leaving a trail of heat where his fingers grazed her skin. She shifted beneath him, her gaze hooded as he ran his hand down the side of her breast to the top of her thigh.

  He leaned down and kissed her tenderly, like it was the first time, like he’d never tasted her before. She reached up and wound her arms around his neck, running her fingers over the back of his head, drinking him in. The kiss went from slow and sweet to passionate and eager after a few long seconds and she arched against him again, silently telling him what she wanted. He pulled back and stared down at her.

  “Are you sure?” he managed, breathing heavily. He kissed the corner of her mouth.

  “Yes,” she whispered.

  He leaned over and reached onto her nightstand, grabbing his wallet and pulled out a condom. A few seconds later he was over her again, bracing himself on his hands; his lips pressed against hers as he inhaled against her mouth. She arched against him again, trying to pull him to her. He hesitated and she could feel him struggling against her.

  “I want you, Brian. Now. I want everything. All of you.”

  His resolve broke and he kissed her as she reached up and grabbed him, pulling him onto her fully as he finally pressed into her gently. The ice pierced her stomach tightly at first and she tensed slightly, but forced herself to relax as she looked up into his eyes. The love she saw there melted it away.

  Her breath hitched and she released it gradually while he slowly inched into her, watching her the entire time, his eyes dark under the light that was seeping in through the cracks of her closed blinds.

  She closed her eyes, biting her bottom lip as he filled her. The feeling was different, almost overwhelming and she looked up at him for reassurance. He was staring at her like she was some kind of rare jewel that he’d finally found and possessed. His nose brushed against hers and he held himself still, allowing her to adjust to him. His breathing was clipped and she knew enough to know he was trying really hard not to move.

  “Are you with me, love?” he breathed. “I’m not hurting you?”

  Her lips parted and she inhaled. She nodded then shook her head.

  “I’m with you,” she reassured him breathily.

  He kissed her bottom lip then rocked slowly against her, still not breaking eye contact. She ran her hands up his biceps, wrapping her arms around his neck. He moaned throatily, still breathing against her mouth, inhaling her.

  “Destiny…”

  He rocked against her again, biting his lip.

  “You feel so much better than my imagination,” he murmured, his voice tight. He struck a gentle rhythm, plucking kisses from her lips as he moved and she felt herself slipping, falling completely into him.

  “Brian,” she whispered his name like a caress, squeezing her eyes shut at the sensation of being completely engulfed by him. She was his, in every way that mattered. She was lost in him but found.

  “I love you,” he whispered against her mouth.

  She wrapped her legs around him tighter, starting to match the languid pace he set, losing then finding herself in his every touch.

  Chapter 23

  Friday, 6:21 a.m.

  Have you ever imagined something that was so incredible you just knew it couldn’t be real, or exist in actual life? That’s how it feels to be with Brian. Unimaginable. Unreal. I’ve always thought that the term “making love” was the corniest thing ever. But that’s what I did last night. I made love. Love was operative. Love… was. And I was. In love. The way he made me feel…it was like… cherished. I still can’t believe we finally… In the middle of the night, too. I couldn’t help it though. I’d been dreaming about Barnes & Noble again and the need for him was just overwhelming. God, I sound like one of the dumb-ass Harlequin romance books Chrissy is always reading. Here I am, in my bathroom, sitting on a toilet writing about him at like, 6 in the morning. But man. If I never feel like this again, I just had to document that this feeling does actually exist. And I felt it. And I’m really happy that after everything, I was still able to feel it. Because of Brian.

  Chapter 24

  “You’re being weird.”

  Brian looked over at Destiny, one hand on the steering wheel as he maneuvered his car through the early afternoon traffic. His aviator glasses were covering up his eyelashes and his expression was serious. He was wearing a black Suns t-shirt today with camo-green cargo shorts and he looked so good all she wanted to do was stare at him, and forget everything that was bothering her, all of the crap that life had brought to her.

  She sighed and looked out of the window again, watching the clouds float in slow motion over the sky, even though the car was moving so fast. The contrast was intriguing, maybe even a little disturbing. She bit her lip, wringing her ha
nds in her lap. It was funny how just a few hours could change things, or more accurately, allow reality to swoop in and burst any euphoric balloon that may have been waving around in your head.

  They hadn’t talked about last night all. She didn’t know if they were even supposed to be talking about last night. Was that the thing to do after having sex? Is that what people did? Because “sex” actually didn’t even seem like an accurate description for what’d they’d shared. It was so much more, on so many levels.

  Was she supposed to wake up and explain to him how he’d made her feel when he’d caressed her, kissed her, made every fiber in her being sing with desire? Was it normal to want to tell him how much she loved him for being so in tune with every little noise she made, every hitch of her breath, every arch of her hips? Or how she’d practically come undone every time he whispered that he loved her or shown her how long and how much he’d wanted her?

  His lovemaking was as deliberate and thorough as his kisses. He’d paid detailed attention to every inch of her body and by the time she’d come undone underneath him, she knew he owned her.

  Her entire body heated at the memory. She was consumed with him. But even still, after everything they’d shared, she still hadn’t been able to tell him that she loved him. There was still a wall, one of her making. One she still wasn’t completely sure how to break down.

  “I’m not being weird,” she finally denied with a sigh. It sounded like a lie, even to her ears.

  He glanced at her again before redirecting his attention to the road.

  “You’ve said like three words to me today. You’ve barely even looked at me.”

  “I’ve actually said like five words,” she grinned, trying to distract him.

  He didn’t smile and she sighed again, staring out of the window. He wasn’t really lying. But it wasn’t as dramatic as he was making it sound either. She’d climbed back into bed after her early morning journaling and they’d slept until almost twelve. Then Dorian had asked Brian if they wanted to meet him for lunch since they had the day off. Well, Brian had the day off. She had no job. They’d spent the next thirty minutes getting ready and now they were in the car on the way to meet him at Marsitas.

  She glanced at him again quickly. The tension in the car was palpable and she hated it because she knew it was her fault. She shifted in her seat. She had on her yellow sundress today and her legs were beginning to stick to the leather. She didn’t know what to say to him because she still didn’t know what to say to herself, so she did the next best thing—she picked up his iPod and shuffled through the music until Kendrick Lamar came on. They rode in silence for what seemed like forever, the sound of the music breaking in and out of her already muffled thoughts.

  “You regret last night?”

  The words came of nowhere, but everywhere and hung in the air, half-question, half-statement, as if he couldn’t decide which one to go with. The vulnerability she heard in his voice twisted into her gut as she continued to study the passing traffic.

  Last night was a big deal for so many reasons. Not just because she’d willingly had sex for the first time but because it was with him. It was a big deal because it was the first time that she’d been able to get through being intimate with him without Connor Dorsey barging his way into her head. It was a big deal because she knew she’d never get enough of him, and it terrified her. As much as she trusted him, she didn’t trust life. It was constantly throwing curve balls.

  “No,” she finally answered, turning to glance at him. “I don’t regret it.”

  “But you had to think about it?” He pushed out a breath and looked at her before turning back to the road. “This is exactly the reason why I was trying to wait. I didn’t want you to do anything before you were really ready because I didn’t want you disappearing on me... again.”

  “I didn’t disappear. I’m right here.”

  She was trying to speak calmly although frustration was starting to seep into her veins. What exactly did he want from her? Her soul? He had that. Her body? He had that now too.

  “No,” he said pointedly, flicking a glance her way again. “You’re not here. You’re somewhere else.”

  He frowned as he pulled off the exit. They came to a stoplight but he kept his eyes on the road. She watched as a girl about her age pushed a stroller across the street, while a kid who looked about four or five hung onto her pant leg. She could only imagine what her life would be like if she’d had kids right out of high school.

  “I don’t know what I was expecting,” he said interrupting her random thoughts, sounding as if he was mostly talking to himself. He ran his free hand over his head. “You weren’t ready.”

  “What does that even mean?” she asked, irritably. She turned and looked at him.

  “Exactly what I said,” he bit out, glancing at her. He turned and stared out of the window again, waiting for the light to change.

  “Why are you mad?” she asked, frowning, her voice rising. “We had sex and I don’t have the right facial expression, or wake up congratulating you on last night’s performance and you get pissed and start accusing me of disappearing? Really?”

  She glared at him. She knew what he wanted to hear. What he deserved to hear, especially because it was true. But couldn’t utter the words. Instead, she was displacing and she knew it. But she couldn’t stop herself.

  “Don’t belittle us like that,” he said, his voice tight. “We both know last night was more than just sex. Just like we both know I don’t need your damned congratulations.”

  His jaw was clenched as he accelerated when the light changed. She looked back out of her window, feeling guilty, her heart thudding. But more than guilt she felt pissed. And she didn’t even know why. He hadn’t done anything to her. In fact, he’d done everything for her. But here she was, pushing him away again. Her mind was clouded with thoughts and she couldn’t pull a coherent one that she was satisfied with out of the jumble.

  He glanced in his blind spot before navigating the wheel to the left. They’d reached the restaurant, which sat on the corner between a tattoo shop and a holistic spa and could easily be passed by if you weren’t looking for it. He expertly swerved into a parking space and put the car into park, cutting the ignition. He didn’t make a move to get out, and neither did she. She bit her lip, and looked over at him. He was staring at his hands, which were still gripping the steering wheel.

  “I don’t want to fight with you, Destiny,” he finally said, quietly. “Not about this of all things.”

  She felt tears welling in her eyes again and she pushed out a breath.

  “I don’t either, Brian,” she shook her head and risked a glance at him.

  He looked at her and released a long breath. He nodded.

  “Then we won’t,” he said resolutely, causing her heart to break a little more.

  She nodded and he opened the car door. She released another breath, holding back tears and stepped out of the car. When he walked around the front of the car and held out his hand for her, she nearly broke. Right there in the parking lot. He deserved so much more than what she was giving him. She grabbed his hand and interlaced his fingers with hers.

  “Brian?” she said, tugging on his hand.

  He turned and faced her.

  “I really don’t regret it,” she said softly, pausing as another couple walked past them toward the entrance.

  They were standing on the sidewalk that led to the doors, partially shaded by the large palm trees that surrounded the building.

  “I’m sorry for making you think I do. I’m sorry for not doing any of this right. I’m sorry for saying what I just did. I’m just… sorry.”

  Tears were stinging in her eyes and she quickly looked away, holding her breath, holding them in. He released a breath and pulled her into an embrace. She held on to him like her life depended on it. He pulled away after a few seconds and dropped a quick kiss on her lips before silently grabbing her hand and leading her toward the entrance.


  * * *

  Destiny took a bite of her pickle and desperately tried to concentrate on what Brian and Dorian were saying, but she was having a hard time. She recognized Bruce Lee’s Chinese Connection playing on the small box TV that was hung up high in the corner of the restaurant, though as usual, it was muted to allow the jazz that was pouring softly from the speakers to warm the space. Today it was Miles Davis’s classic Kind of Blue, which fit her somber mood.

  Once again, Brian had taken care of her and once again, she’d returned his considerateness and love with shit. A bunch of emotional, heady, misplaced, shit. When the hell was she ever going to get it together enough to be in a real relationship with him?

  She studied him discreetly, noting his two-day stubble and the circles beneath his eyes that were there because he’d been spending all of his free time with her, fixing cars, buying milkshakes, and making sleepy love in the middle of the night. Even with the rings, he was easily the best looking guy in the entire restaurant. The sun was bouncing off of the metal napkin holder in the middle of the table, casting a rainbow across his features. His sleepy, stubbled look practically dripped intrigue and well, sex. Almost every woman in there noticed too, including Dorian’s flirty waitress friend, who couldn’t seem to decide which one of them to divide her time and flirtiness with.

  She took a sip of her lemonade, her eyes drifting to the screen again, watching as Bruce Lee practically chopped through a block of ice with his pinky finger. Her phone buzzed and she reached onto the table, quickly reading the new email that was on her screen.

  “Wow,” she said aloud, louder than she intended to.

  “What?” Dorian asked, looking at her as he bit into his pita.

  It must’ve been casual day at his job because he had on a Diamondbacks baseball cap pulled down low over his eyes.