Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

“Like she can give anyone any relationship advice.”

  Destiny was silent for minute. “Honestly, what she said was kinda true, D. I push people away and you won’t give anybody a chance.”

  He grunted. “I just haven’t met anybody that keeps my interest. Besides, what the hell would I want a relationship for? So I can run around looking like you and Brian? All depressed and mopey and sensitive and shit? Nah, I’m cool.”

  She sighed and shook her head. “She said Brian’s mom disappeared again. Did you know that?”

  He waited a beat before answering. “He asked me not to say anything to you. He didn’t want to add any stress after you lost your job or whatever.”

  “That’s messed up,” she said rolling her eyes. “I’m not some emotionally unstable basket case—anymore, anyway. He needs to let the people who love him decide what they can deal with.”

  “Like you do?” he asked sarcastically.

  She paused caught off guard. She didn’t have anything to say to that, so she said nothing.

  “So, what do you think you’re going to do?” he asked, shifting subjects. “Think you can seriously move back to Phoenix?”

  She chewed on her lip. “Honestly, I probably could. I’ve gotten pretty good at adjusting to things. But I don’t really want to leave. I love him, Dorian. So much it almost feels like I can’t breathe sometimes.”

  He sighed exaggeratedly and she knew he was rolling his eyes.

  “Dude, please stop with all that dramatic shit. Your sensitive ass can breathe. You need to be telling him all of this. Not me.”

  She studied her cuticles, kicking her leg in the water again. “He hates me though.”

  “Are you serious, right now, Tweet? Did you even hear what I just told you earlier? The dude is around here moping and taking bubble baths. He doesn’t hate you.”

  “Stop saying he’s taking bubble baths,” she laughed, in spite of herself. “Have you actually seen him take one?”

  “No, but that’s beside the point. Ya’ll need to get your shit together. I’m tired of hearing about it. Now, when are you coming home?”

  “Probably Thursday.”

  “Good. I’m having taco night Friday and I need to borrow your blender.”

  * * *

  Friday, 3:39 p.m.

  I looked up the word “grace” on the flight back home today. Merriam-Webster defines it as “unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification”…I’ve been thinking a lot about why Brian said he chose to get “grace” tattooed on his arm. It’s permanent. It’ll be there forever. And Brian just isn’t the type to make decisions lightly. When he does something he means it. Just like when he says something, he means it. I thought about what “unmerited divine assistance” actually means. I think it just means that you didn’t necessarily do anything to deserve the help you get. Maybe that you even get the help when you try to push it away, or actively do things that are unworthy of it. So, maybe God knew I wouldn’t make it through everything okay without Brian. Without his calm. Without his love. Without his milkshakes. Maybe him being in my life was my unmerited divine assistance. Maybe the grace of God is what put Brian in my life.

  Chapter 27

  Destiny pushed the door open to her apartment and inhaled. Relief washed over her in an unexpected wave. She hadn’t been able to catch a flight on Thursday after her interview like she’d initially planned, she’d had to wait until first thing Friday morning or pay an additional two hundred and fifty dollars which her credit card didn’t have on it.

  Although she knew she wasn’t going to be taking the job before she’d even interviewed with Curt Schuster, she’d decided to go. She didn’t want to make Gabe look bad and she figured it was better to not burn any bridges. She was actually glad that she went anyway, mostly because it confirmed that she definitely didn’t want to do any copywriting. Marketing wasn’t her thing—she enjoyed the freedom that came with journalism and with writing about music in particular.

  She just hoped she’d be able to find another job in her field. Curt had told her he’d be getting with her by the beginning of next week, and to be honest, she wasn’t totally sure she would’ve gotten the job anyway. She’d tried to keep her expression from turning sullen during the interview, although she doubted she was successful since her emotions were always showing up on her face whether she wanted them to or not. Looking bored and disinterested didn’t exactly scream, “Hire me.”

  Because she wasn’t able to get out of Phoenix on Thursday like she’d planned, she spent most of the next day searching for jobs in Miami, reaching out to all of her contacts and putting out feelers. Pitch.com had immediately gotten back to her, saying that they had an opportunity for her to possibly blog exclusively about the local music scene. She’d quickly written a sample piece for them and hoped to hear something by the following week. She figured her chances to pick up that contract position was decent because they were already familiar with her writing.

  Then she’d gotten an email from Jason, saying that he’d recommended her for a gig he’d heard about at locally-based but national urban music website. He’d sent her the follow-up info and suggested that they meet up soon for a drink the following week. By the time she left Phoenix she was feeling much better about her job prospects.

  She kicked off her sandals, heading for the bathroom to shower. She was antsy. It was only three. She had at least another three or four hours before she could see Brian. He probably wouldn’t get off until around seven, which was the time that Dorian’s taco night thing started too.

  Her plan was to just pop up over their house. It’d been nearly a week since she’d seen him and she missed him so badly, it felt like a physical pain in her body. She almost wanted to go up to his job. But she figured declaring that she loved him in front of his co-workers was something that only worked in PG-13-rated romantic comedies. In real life, such shenanigans might get him fired.

  She stood under the stream of the shower, trying to go over her speech to him in her mind. She had no idea what to say, other than that she loved him. Just thinking about finally saying the words out loud had her stomach clenching. But she needed to do it. He deserved to hear her say the words that had been on the tip of her tongue for what seemed like forever now. She only hoped that her honesty would be enough to make him want her again.

  Chapter 28

  She pulled up to their apartment at exactly seven. She saw Brian’s black Charger parked in its usual spot and her heart immediately started racing. He obviously was already home from work. She checked her reflection in the review. She’d put on the only red sundress she owned, a cotton spaghetti strap that fell just above her knees. She’d done her hair in curls that hung loosely over her shoulders and she’d put on makeup. It didn’t look as good as the job that Raven had done for her, but it would do. She grabbed the blender off of the passenger seat and pushed open the car door.

  She released a breath and got out of the car, feeling a little silly, as she inhaled a lung full of thick, wet air. Brian had seen her at her worst. Either he was going to want her or he wasn’t. A red dress certainly wasn’t going to seal the deal, but she still felt better with it on. The last time she’d worn red he’d said she was beyond beautiful so it couldn’t hurt. Funny. Not long ago she was wondering if she’d ever feel comfortable in a dress again. Maybe it was sign. Maybe she wasn’t as broken as before.

  She walked briskly up the palm tree littered pathway to their apartment, narrowly skirting a water bug the size of Texas that decided it needed to cross the sidewalk to get to wherever it was going. She yelped and practically jogged the rest of the way to their door. She could already hear noise pouring out of the closed door and she wondered who all would be greeting her.

  “Yo! It’s about damn time you got back!” Dorian said jubilantly when he opened the door, smiling widely. “And you remembered the blender!”

  He pulled her inside, wrapping her in a warm hug as they hovered ne
ar the door. He released her, his smile faltering a bit. She frowned, waiting to hear whatever he had to say.

  “Tiffany is here,” he admitted quietly, with a warning look. “ I told Amber to leave her at home but she’s hardheaded.”

  Her head snapped up and she glared at him.

  “What the hell?” she demanded, scowling.

  Why was she always everywhere? And why did they keep letting her loud ass come around?

  “Cool out, Tweety. You know nothing’s going on. Remember… bubble baths.”

  She frowned and shook her head. He was blocking her view into the living room and she took a second to compose herself.

  “I don’t like that she’s always around though, Dorian, hanging all over him. You need to stop bringing Amber around if she can’t follow instructions,” she muttered angrily. “You really need to stop bringing her around period, Dorian. What are you even doing with her? She’s dingy as hell. What happened to Nichelle?”

  He sighed, eyeing her. “Just be cool, OK?”

  “Whatever,” she grunted.

  “Tweet’s here!” he announced enthusiastically, although he eyed her again, as he ushered her into the already crowded living room.

  The TV was blaring loudly, with Uncle Ruckus from The Boondocks going off on another one of his hilarious tangents. It was Dorian’s favorite TV show and he owned every episode. The noise from the TV was fighting with the music that was coming from the speaker in the far corner of the living room. She watched him walk into the kitchen with the blender.

  “What up, girl!” Nathan greeted her, as he crossed her path on the way to the couch. He held his hand up as he passed and she gave him a high-five.

  “Please tell me you’re not really moving back to damn Phoenix,” he said, pleadingly, plopping down on the couch next to a curvy girl she’d never seen.

  She smiled at the girl then shook her head, her eyes automatically scanning the room for Brian. There were a couple of guys from Dorian’s job she recognized sitting on the oversized couch and a few girls she’d never seen perched on chairs that had been pulled into the living room. Pink Dress was sitting on an armrest, chatting with one of the girls. Destiny waved and she waved back.

  Finally, she spotted him. He was sitting at the far end of the table, drinking a beer. He looked up when Nathan spoke to her and it felt like her heart stopped beating. Everything slowed down, like in one of those sappy rom-coms.

  Her lips parted and she inhaled as she looked at him. There was stubble on his face and his eyes looked like he hadn’t been sleeping much either. She released the breath slowly, still staring. He held her gaze for what seemed like forever. She recognized the ache behind his expression because it mirrored her own.

  “Tweet, hello?” Nathan was saying, frowning at her from his spot on the couch.

  “No, I’m not leaving,” she answered, snapping out of it. “My heart is in Miami.” Her voice was constricted, as she looked at Brian again.

  The words were for him. He was still looking at her and it was all she could do not to run over to him and beg him to let her back in. Nathan released a loud breath and wiped his brow exaggeratedly.

  “Good, we need you around to help keep Dorian in check,” he sighed, grinning, turning his attention to the curvy girl.

  She barely heard him though. Her attention was tuned to Brian.

  “Hi,” she said softly, walking toward him.

  She leaned against the wall directly across from his chair, oblivious to the random girl who excused herself to walk in front of her on her way into the kitchen. She eyed Brian with obvious lust as she crossed in front of him, leaving behind the scent of apples in her wake. She’d never understood why women enjoyed smelling like fruit.

  “Hi,” he finally said. He took another sip of his beer, still eyeing her.

  “I’m back,” she said, lamely with a small shrug.

  “I see.”

  “I tried to see Aunt Clara and Lexi but Clara was still out of town and Lexi is still at camp,” she told him, as if he didn’t know where his own aunt and little sister were.

  He just nodded, his face impassive. She released a breath, chewing on her lip. He wasn’t going to make this easy for her that much was obvious.

  “I missed you.” The words came out like a whisper. “A lot.”

  His expression remained stoic as he continued studying her. She took another breath, ignoring the noise around them as people talked and laughed with each other, sipping from plastic red cups.

  “I didn’t…” she started before she was interrupted.

  “Hey, Brian, can you come back here and help me really quick?”

  Destiny turned her head to the right as Loud Girl poked her head around the corner of the hallway that led to Brian’s room. She smiled at him, biting on her bottom lip. She looked at Destiny, but didn’t acknowledge her before fixing her face into a pout as she looked at Brian.

  “Please,” Loud Girl whined, poking out her bottom lip.

  Destiny stared at Brian. Her heart was pounding so hard it felt like it was vibrating throughout her entire body. Her armpits were getting itchy as she shifted her weight from one foot to the other, waiting on his response. He tore his gaze from hers and glanced at Loud Girl, his expression blank.

  “Yeah,” he finally said.

  Her heart sank, and she was on the verge of tears as he stood. He was just a few feet in front of her and his warm, clean scent was overpowering her again. She tried to speak up in protest but nothing would come out of her mouth. He didn’t look at her as he walked passed her, following Loud Girl into his bedroom.

  She inhaled and exhaled, trying to calm herself. What the hell was happening right now? This is not what she’d expected when she came over here. She was going to deliver her I’m-In-Love-with-You-So-Forgive-Me-Please speech and he was going to forgive her instantly. Loud Girl wasn’t even supposed to be here. And he sure as hell wasn’t supposed to be following her into his bedroom to give her “help.”

  What was he doing? Trying to crush her? She looked around at all of the smiling faces that had gathered in the living room and dining area and tried to gather herself. She knew she’d hurt him with the way she acted after they’d made love and by making the decision to go to Phoenix, but she’d changed her mind. She’d realized her mistakes. And now he wasn’t even trying to give her a chance to rectify it.

  She pushed herself off the wall and rounded the corner into the kitchen, holding back tears. Dorian glanced up at her, flipping the brightly colored peppers that were simmering on the stove, filling the small space with spicy aroma. He immediately frowned.

  “Oh no,” he muttered, “what’s going on?’

  “Nothing,” she mumbled, turning to grab a pre-made drink off of the counter. She took a sip and released a breath. She didn’t need alcohol. She needed Brian. Apple Girl eyed her scowling face and headed out of the kitchen.

  “Did you talk to B?”

  “No, he’s in his room ‘helping’ your horny-ass friend,” she bit out.

  He sighed and shook his head. “You two are gonna give me an aneurism. For real.”

  “I guess he wants her now?” she said aloud, sipping her drink, which turned out to be vodka and cranberry juice. “Has she been hanging around since I’ve been gone?”

  Dorian flipped his food, shaking his head again.

  “No, I told you he’s been around here moping. The only thing that’s been in his bedroom for the past week is Jack Daniels.”

  He sighed, eyeing her over his shoulder. “I don’t know what he’s doing. Or what you’re doing. Or what ya’ll are doing. But seriously, get it together. You’re messing up my taco night.”

  She grimaced, taking another sip of her drink. “And God forbid your stupid taco night be ruined,” she snapped.

  “Why are you even in here talking to me?” he said pointedly, agitation flashing in his eyes. “Talk to him.”

  She stared at him for a second. He was right. They had t
hings to talk about and it wasn’t happening as long as she was standing in the kitchen whining to Dorian about it. She was brave and resolved when she’d left Phoenix. Now she was back to being her same old non-confrontational whiny self. She nodded her head and sat her drink down.

  Dorian shook his head again as she exited the kitchen, heading toward Brian’s room. She braced herself. If Loud Girl got out of line tonight, there was a good chance she would get the shit slapped out of her. She halted outside of his door, which was partially opened, taking a deep breath. She pushed it open.

  He was sitting on the edge of his bed, not really looking at anything and she was in his desk chair, pretending to use the computer as she babbled on a mile a minute. He looked up at her when the door swung open, surprise briefly coloring his face before he contained it.

  “So, Brian, is this how you access it?” Loud Girl asked, twirling in the chair, attempting to get his attention.

  He started to answer but Destiny turned toward her.

  “We need a minute,” she said, looking her up and down.

  For a brief moment she looked like she wasn’t going to move, but she guessed her glare gave her second thoughts. She got up slowly, tossing a look back over her shoulder at Brian before exiting the room. Destiny moved and closed the door, then leaned back against it.

  She stared at him, a jumble of emotions coursing through her system. The thought of losing him became more and more real with each second that passed.

  “I can’t lose you,” she breathed, her palms still flat against the door. “I didn’t, right?”

  He leaned forward, studying the floor, before glancing back up to her. She watched him release a breath.

  “Right?” she pressed, starting to panic as he studied her silently.

  “Destiny…” he started, running his hand over his head. His expression was pained. “What do you want me to say?” He paused and she didn’t know if the question was rhetorical or not. He ran his hand over his head again. “Do you need to hear me tell you how miserable I’ve been?”