Better Than Okay

by Jacinta Howard

  She shook her head and started to speak but he kept on.

  “Or how I’ve been drinking way too much just so that I can function—and it still doesn’t work? Do you need to hear me tell you how much it hurt that after all we’ve been through, you still had to go away to another state for an entire week to figure out that you might want me after all?”

  He paused, anger flashing in his eyes now. “Is that what you need to hear?”

  She shook her head no, her stomach clenching. He was still so angry with her. And she couldn’t blame him.

  “I’m sorry, Brian,” she whispered shakily.

  He looked at her then shook his head, staring at the floor again.

  “You say that a lot,” he said darkly, still not looking at her.

  She frowned, shifting her weight as she stared at him, her heart pounding. Nothing about this was going as she’d planned. Maybe he was really done with her. She was terrified now.

  “That trip to Phoenix… it wasn’t about figuring out whether I wanted you though,” she told him. “I needed to go. To get things in perspective.”

  It didn’t look like she was getting through to him and she bit her lip.

  “I have a whole speech memorized to say to you,” she admitted hastily, her heart thumping wildly in her chest.

  “A speech?” he questioned incredulously. His expression was annoyed when he finally glanced up at her.

  She nodded. But her attention was drawn to the noise outside of the door, as Loud Girl cackled loudly. She scowled as irritation flooded her already frazzled nerves.

  “She isn’t allowed to come back here anymore,” she burst out. She hadn’t meant to say that, but she couldn’t hold it in. “Actually, she’s not allowed to come over here anymore period.”

  He raised an eyebrow. “That’s the speech?”

  “No,” she answered, without a trace of humor. “But I don’t like her being here.”

  “Why is that?” He was testing her and she knew it.

  “Why do you want her over here?” she countered, her voice rising.

  He immediately glowered. Test failed. But she couldn’t stop.

  “Why are you flaunting her in front me?” She paused on the verge of tears. “Are you trying to crush me?”

  “Like you crushed me?” he countered immediately, angrily, the question slicing through her like a hot knife.

  His expression was wounded, like the night she ran out of his room after he told her he loved her. This was not supposed to be happening. They were supposed to be making up and moving forward, not arguing. Her stomach clenched again and she pressed a hand there. This was a bad idea. She should’ve asked him to meet her somewhere alone. The silence stretched on and on until he finally spoke, forcing patience into his voice.

  “Why did you even come in here, Destiny?” his face both angry and exasperated.

  She didn’t answer immediately and he stood abruptly and paced to the other side of the room. He looked at her, furious and her breath hitched.

  “You just pop up over here, tell me you missed me, and think everything is magically going to be cool again? You haven’t called in a week! You sent one cryptic text. You didn’t even call and let me know about the plea deal, I had to find out about it from Dorian.”

  The hurt in his eyes was unmistakable.

  “Well, you didn’t tell me about your mom, I had to find out from Chrissy!” she retorted, her eyes wide with disbelief.

  He stopped pacing for a split second then shook his head.

  “It’s not the same,” he denied.

  “It is the same!” she exclaimed, angrily. “The exact same! And you didn’t call either!” she continued, unable to stop now that she was on a roll. “I told you I missed you and you didn’t even reply!”

  “What was I supposed to say to that!?” he bellowed angrily, stopping in his tracks. “I missed you, too? Because ‘I miss you’ isn’t even adequate! I feel like I can’t breathe when you’re away from me! And you knew that, Destiny! I’ve laid all of my cards on the table for you. And you left anyway! You left not even knowing if you were going to be living here anymore! So, yeah, sorry that I didn’t text ‘I miss you’ back.”

  His chest was heaving as he glared at her. He was pacing again back and forth between his dresser and his bed. He shook his head again, running his hand over it. He stopped pacing and the look he gave her made her feel like she would break into a million pieces.

  “You can’t keep doing this to me,” he shook his head. Agony and defeat colored his expression. “I said I wasn’t doing this with you anymore and I meant it. I have too much going on right now and I can’t.”

  He stared at her for a second then crossed the room, heading toward the door. She was blocking his way but she didn’t move. He halted in front of her. He looked pointedly at her then the door.

  “You can’t leave,” she said, finally finding her voice again. “You can’t. We’re not done.”

  She stared defiantly at him, willing him to deny it. Her breath was choppy, her chest heavy when she reached out, tugging on the bottom of his shirt. He stared down at her, his expression dark, his chest moving in and out.

  “I think we are done.”

  The decisiveness in his tone and eyes made her stomach wave violently. He didn’t mean the conversation. He meant them.

  “No,” she shook her head frantically. “We’re not,” she breathed, not even trying to disguise the panic in her voice. “You still want me,” she told him, pulling him toward her, looking up at him pleadingly. “You still want me…” She knew she was begging but she didn’t care. “Just say you still want me…” she murmured, tears in her eyes.

  His expression was guarded. Oh God. He didn’t. He didn’t want her anymore and she felt like she was going to split open. She turned hastily and grabbed blindly at the doorknob. Suddenly his hand was on her waist, the other pushing the door shut above her head. He pulled her close against him, her back to his chest.

  “You know I do,” he whispered brokenly, as if he had no choice over the words leaving his lips. “Always.”

  She exhaled, her heart pounding. She swallowed, her breathing labored as tears spilled down her cheeks.

  “But it’s just not enough anymore,” he said just as quietly.

  “But I love you, Brian,” she whispered desperately, turning in his arms to face him. “I love you.”

  He stared at her for a minute, his eyes glossy. Hope flickered in them for a split second and then it was gone. All she could see was remorse. And pain. And distrust. He pressed his forehead to hers inhaling audibly and she grabbed his forearms, clinging to him, to her sanity. He shook his head against hers.

  “Every time I think this is it, we’re finally on the same page, you disappear again,” he uttered, his forehead still pressed to hers as he held her. “How is this time any different?”

  She tried to speak. To use whatever words she could to convince him that this was different. All she could do was shake her head, in denial, in pain.

  “I need some air,” he said his voice strained, pulling away from her.

  He pushed her gently to the side and opened the door, slipping out of it. She sank to the floor, her back against the wall, tears streaming down her cheeks. He was gone. And she didn’t know how to breathe anymore.

  Not even a minute passed before there was a soft knock at the door and then it opened.

  “Aw, damn, Tweet,” Dorian exhaled, kneeling beside her. He pulled her to him, hugging her tightly. “Are you alright?”

  She nodded against his chest, then pulled out of his arms, wiping at her cheeks, inhaling a shaky breath, trying to pull it together. He shook his head, his expression shifting from pained to angry then back again.

  “Don’t be mad at him,” she said, sniffing as she wiped under her eyes. “This is my fault.”

  He stared at her, unconvinced.

  “Really, D. I never should’ve put you in this in the first place. He’s been you
r friend since forever. This really is my fault. Okay?”

  She looked at him urgently. He sighed and shook his head.

  “I’m going home,” she said after a second.

  “You don’t need to…”

  “What am I going to do? Stay here? I’m sure he doesn’t want me to be here when he gets back.”

  “So?” he said angrily, his dimples indenting his cheeks as he frowned.

  She sighed shaking her head.

  “I don’t want to be here when he gets back either. It’s alright, really.”

  She stood, releasing a shaky breath, wiping under her eyes again. “I’ll text you when I get home, okay? Just enjoy your party.”

  She opened the door and glanced back at him. “Don’t be mad at him. It really isn’t his fault.”

  He shook his head again and she exited the room, keeping her head down as she quickly made her way to the front door. She didn’t release a breath until she was in her car.

  Chapter 29

  Friday, 8:52 p.m.

  I can’t breathe.

  Chapter 30

  Destiny kicked at her comforter. It was wrapped around her legs and she wanted it off. She flopped onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Thoughts were swirling in her brain, and she couldn’t stop them from coming. She thought about Connor Dorsey. She thought about UMusic and Scoop Hernandez. She thought about her dad. She thought about God. And grace. And love. She thought about Brian. Her thoughts always came back to him.

  Before she analyzed what she was doing she was up out of the bed. She threw on some leggings and her old FAMU t-shirt, wrapped her hair in a sloppy bun and grabbed her car keys off the nightstand.

  It was after one in the morning when she pulled up to Brian’s. She hopped out of the car, making sure the pepper spray she kept on her keychain now was in her hand, and jogged down the sidewalk path to their door. She didn’t bother knocking; she used her key and entered. The house was quiet now. She’d heard Nathan talking loudly about hitting a bar after they ate, and apparently Dorian was game. There were still a few red cups scattered around the room, but it was mostly clean. Pink Dress probably volunteered to clean up.

  She headed back to Brian’s room. She didn’t expect him to be there, really. She hadn’t noticed his car outside. But she didn’t care. She needed to be there whenever he came back. Needed to see him. Needed to make him understand. His door was closed but she saw a soft light peeking from under the door. She pushed it open.

  His head snapped up when she walked through and she faltered in her steps. She didn’t expect to see him sitting on the edge of his bed, elbows on his knees, staring at the floor. She stepped in and closed the door behind her. She just stood there, her back against his closed door, staring at him. She was calmer this time as she met his eyes.

  “I love you,” she said, finally, not breaking his gaze. “I love you. I love you.”

  She said it softly, but fiercely.

  “And I know I’ve messed up a lot. I know I’ve been scared and I kept pushing you away. But it was never because I didn’t love you. It was because I was scared to accept your love. I didn’t know how to handle it. I was afraid it wouldn’t last and that I wouldn’t be good enough at loving you. I was afraid to say it because I thought… well, I guess I didn’t really understand what it meant for real. Until you. You showed me. And I love you, Brian…”

  She paused. He’s lifted his head and was staring at her. She had his full attention.

  “I love that I like you,” she said. “I love that I can talk to you about anything and I love that you really listen when I talk. I love that you don’t have to do things to get attention but everyone notices you anyway. I love that you buy me milkshakes and I love that I haven’t been able to beat you in the lyric game. I love that you’re the best part of my day. I love that you know what I need before I even ask. I love how you take care of me. I love how you love me.”

  She bit her lip, her breathing increased. He hadn’t looked away from her. He was staring through her again.

  “I love you. And I choose you. And even though I know I’ll be okay if you decide that you don’t want this…” She paused, sick at the thought of that, “…I don’t want to just be okay. I want to be better than okay. And I am better than okay when I’m with you. You make me breathe better. You make me feel better, calmer. Protected. And that night that we were together... I felt cherished. I choose that. I’ll always choose you.”

  She stopped and took a breath, gauging his reaction, her heart pounding in her chest.

  “So…” she shrugged awkwardly. “That’s it. The end.”

  The corners of his mouth quirked up slightly. His elbows were still on his knees and he looked down before glancing back up at her.

  “That was the speech?” His baritone vibrated through her and she inhaled pushing the breath out slowly.

  “No,” she breathed, shaking her head. “That was free styled.”

  He grinned lopsidedly and her stomach flipped.

  “Come’ere,” he said, beckoning her with a head nod.

  She pushed off the door and walked slowly to him, halting as she stood between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her against him as she hugged him.

  “Thank you…” he said deeply. “For trusting me enough to say all of that.”

  She pressed her forehead to his, breathing him.

  “I love you,” she whispered. “And I need you to trust me too, Brian. You can talk to me about whatever is going on with you.”

  Her eyes were serious when she pulled back to look at him.

  “I know,” he said after a couple of seconds.

  She sat down on the bed next to him.

  “You can’t hold things back trying to protect me.”

  She paused, reading his expression and he nodded, releasing a breath.

  “You’re right,” he said finally. “It’s just instinct though. It’s my instinct to try to shield you from certain parts of my life. This is… you know, my mom...” He shook his head. “I’ve been dealing with her shit my whole life. I just didn’t want you burdened with it. Not when you’re already dealing with so much. You know?”

  She nodded. “I get it, but not telling me what’s going on puts a wall up between us. I don’t want any walls, Brian. Not anymore.” She stared at him pointedly and he grinned slightly.

  “I don’t either.”

  “Okay, so no walls,” she said resolutely. She put her pinky out for him to swear on and he laughed softly.

  “No walls,” he repeated, wrapping her pinky in his.

  Her expression grew serious again as she studied him.

  “Chrissy said she didn’t know how long your mom has been missing this time,” she pressed gently.

  He ran a hand over his head and released a long breath, his expression turning somber.

  “She’s been gone at least two weeks,” he said, finally, pushing back on the bed so that he could rest back against the headboard. Destiny situated herself next to him.

  “I guess you haven’t had any luck or any leads on where she might be so far?” she asked. “Like have you tried the hospitals or the jails?”

  He nodded. “When she was in Phoenix she’d usually end up at the same house on the south side of town. But now that she’s been living in Cali, I don’t know. I don’t really know L.A. like that. It’s way bigger than Phoenix, so it’s easier to disappear.”

  He pushed out another breath and ran his hand over his head. “I dunno,” he murmured aloud. “We still haven’t even told Lexi she’s missing.”

  She chewed on her bottom lip as she studied his worried expression.

  “Are you going to?” she asked.

  “Not yet.” He seemed to be torn about the decision.

  “She’s older now,” Destiny offered, hesitantly. “Maybe you should.”

  “It’d just mess her head up.” He sighed, shaking his head again. “She just started really getting to know her when we went
up there to visit for Christmas. I don’t want her getting distracted and losing focus right now.”

  His expression was grim. “This is what she does though. Right when it seems like she’s getting it together, something happens and she slips and it starts the cycle all over again.”

  He paused shaking his head.

  “I’m just tired, Destiny,” he said wearily. “I really am. Part of me doesn’t even want to look for her anymore. Part of me feels like there’s no point. It’s been almost fifteen years of nothing changing. But it’s my mom…you know?”

  She stared at him, wishing she could just wash away all of his worry and stress.

  “I wish I could do something,” she said quietly, hating how helpless she felt. “I know it’s not like…” she sighed, gathering her thoughts. “Just, do you promise to let me know if I can do something?”

  He turned his head to look at her, a faint grin on his lips.

  “You do something just by existing, Destiny. It’s easier for me to breathe when I’m with you, too.”

  She met his eyes and he turned slightly, pulling her toward him. He pressed his forehead to hers and she reached and intertwined her fingers with his.

  “Say it again,” he said quietly.

  “I love you, Brian,” she whispered without hesitation, meaning it with every fiber in her being.

  Telling him wasn’t nearly as hard as she’d thought it would be. It actually was liberating, she’d been holding the words inside for so long.

  “I love you.” She kissed his jaw, climbing onto his lap so that she was straddling him.

  “I love you…” She kissed his chin. “I love you.” She kissed his neck and he sucked in a breath. “I love you.”

  “It feels so good to finally hear you say that,” he said, throatily, pulling her tighter against him. She ran her hands over the back of his head.

  “Well then, I love you again,” she said, grinning. She brushed her mouth against his lightly. “More than a million Stevie Wonder songs.”

  He chuckled, pulling back to look at her. “That was corny.”

  She giggled, brushing her mouth softly against his, teasing him, before she pulled back. His eyes were hooded as he studied her. She kissed him for real then, pressing her mouth to his, tasting him again. It felt like it’d been years and she moaned softly against his lips, trying to get closer.