Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “Oh, Vanya, it’s you, is it!” he said in an unsteady voice, “I was going to see someone here… a copy clerk… on business, you understand… he’s moved recently… hereabouts somewhere… no, he doesn’t live here, it seems. My mistake. Goodbye.”

  And he hurriedly resumed his descent.

  For the time being I decided not to mention this meeting to Natasha, but definitely to inform her of it when she’d be on her own, following Alyosha’s departure. As things stood, she was so upset that, even though she might have understood and appreciated all the implications of it, she would not have been able to come to terms with it or consider it as fully as she would subsequently at the final moment of overwhelming sorrow and despair. In any case, then was not the time.

  That day I might have gone to the Ikhmenevs, and I was sorely tempted to do so, but I did not go. I thought he would feel uncomfortable at the sight of me; he might even have suspected that I had come deliberately as a result of our meeting. I went to them two days later. Ikhmenev was in low spirits, but he met me affably enough and talked of nothing but business matters.

  “I say, who was it you were going to see all the way up those flights of steps – you remember we met, when was it now, the day before yesterday, I seem to remember?” he suddenly asked me, rather casually it would seem, but all the same averting his eyes.

  “I’ve a friend who lives there,” I replied, also averting my eyes.

  “Quite! But I was looking for my copy clerk, by the name of Astafyev. I was told it was that house… I must have made a mistake… Well, as I was saying to you – the court has decided…” and so on, and so forth.

  He even went quite red when he touched upon the subject of the lawsuit.

  I recounted everything to Anna Andreyevna that same day just to cheer the old lady up, incidentally begging her not to give him meaningful glances, not to sigh, not to drop hints, in a word under no circumstances to betray that she knew about this latest venture of his. The old lady was so surprised and pleased that at first she even refused to believe me. For her part, she informed me that she had already been hinting to Nikolai Sergeich about the orphan, but that he hadn’t responded, whereas formerly he himself had been begging her to take the girl into the house. We decided she’d confront him with it directly the next day, without any preambles or overtures. But the next day we were both plunged into a terrible state of fear and alarm.

  The reason was that in the morning Ikhmenev had met a clerk who was dealing with his case. The clerk informed him that he’d seen the Prince, and that even though the Prince was going to retain possession of Ikhmenevka, nevertheless, “due to certain family circumstances”, he had decided to compensate him to the tune of ten thousand roubles. After seeing the clerk Ikhmenev hurried straight over to me in a terrible state of agitation; his eyes glinting with fury. For some reason he brought me out of my room onto the landing and began to insist that I should go to the Prince immediately and inform him that he was challenging him to a duel. I was so shaken that it took me a long time to realize what was happening. I tried to reason with him. But he flew into such a rage that he felt unwell. I dashed back inside for a glass of water, but when I returned, Ikhmenev had gone.

  The next day I went to see him but he had already left. He was away for three whole days.

  On the third day we learnt everything. From my place he had rushed straight to the Prince’s, had not found him at home and had left a note. He wrote that he knew the precise words in which the Prince had couched his intentions to the clerk, which he considered mortally offensive, branded the Prince a despicable scoundrel and, in consequence of everything, challenged him to a duel with the warning that should the Prince dare to evade the challenge, he would disgrace him publicly.

  Anna Andreyevna told me that he returned home in such a state of agitation that he took to his bed. He treated her with great consideration, but was reluctant to answer her questions and was clearly expecting something with feverish impatience. The next morning a letter arrived through the post; having read it, he cried out and clutched his head. Anna Andreyevna went numb with fright. But he immediately snatched up his hat and walking stick, and dashed out.

  The letter was from the Prince. Curtly, drily and politely he informed Ikhmenev that he need render no account to anyone of his instructions to court officials; that though he felt a great deal of sympathy for Ikhemenev for the loss of his case, he could not, his sympathy notwithstanding, deem it equitable that an unsuccessful plaintiff should be entitled to challenge his opponent to a duel out of revenge. As regards the “public disgrace”, that he was threatened with, the Prince begged Ikhmenev to put the notion right out of his head, because there would be no public disgrace nor could there possibly be any, because the letter would be passed forthwith to the appropriate authorities, and the police, duly apprised, would no doubt take all necessary measures to maintain law and order.

  Clutching the letter in his hand, Ikhmenev hurried to confront the Prince. The Prince was out yet again, but from a servant Ikhmenev managed to find out that he was probably at Count N.’s. Without further ado he rushed to the Count’s. The Count’s footman stopped him when he was already ascending the stairs. Boiling with rage, the old man swung at him with his stick. He was seized immediately, dragged out onto the porch and delivered to some police officers, who conveyed him to the police station. The Count was duly informed. When the Prince, who was in attendance, explained to the old lecher that this was Ikhmenev – the father of that selfsame Natalya Nikolayevna (the Prince had on many an occasion rendered the Count certain services) – the old nobleman merely burst out laughing and let clemency temper his rage; an order was issued to discharge Ikhmenev to the four winds, but in the event he was released only two days later. In addition (probably on the Prince’s instructions), he was informed that it was the Prince himself who had interceded with the Count on his behalf to show him leniency.

  The old man returned home almost demented, fell on his bed and lay there motionless for a whole hour; finally he sat up and, to Anna Andreyevna’s horror, solemnly announced that he was cursing his daughter for ever and depriving her of his parental blessing.

  Anna Andreyevna was aghast, but she had to look after her husband and, herself nearly in a state of collapse, spent the whole of that day and the best part of the night nursing him – applying vinegar poultices and lumps of ice to his head. He fell into a fever and began to rave. When I left them, it was already gone two in the morning. However, later that morning he got up and came to me to take Nelly with him for good. But I have already described the scene between him and Nelly; that scene shattered him completely. On returning home, he took to his bed. All this happened on Good Friday, the day Katya and Natasha were to meet and the day before Alyosha and Katya were due to leave St Petersburg. I was present at that meeting – it took place early in the morning, well before old Ikhmenev’s visit to my place and before Nelly had first run away from me.

  6

  Alyosha arrived an hour before the meeting in order to prime Natasha, whereas I arrived at exactly the same time as Katya’s calash drew up outside the gate. Katya was accompanied by the elderly French lady who, after much persuading and hemming and hawing, had finally agreed to come along with her and even to let her go unchaperoned upstairs to Natasha, but only on condition that Alyosha went with her; she herself stayed behind to wait in the calash. Katya beckoned me over and, seated as she was, asked me to call Alyosha down. I found Natasha in tears; Alyosha and she were both crying. On hearing that Katya had already arrived, she got up from her chair, wiped her eyes and stood facing the doorway anxiously. She was dressed all in white that morning. Her dark auburn hair was combed flat and tied in a thick bun at the back. I liked her hair done that way very much. When she saw that I was going to stay with her, she asked me to go and see her visitor in.

  “I just couldn’t come to see Natasha any earlier,” Katya said to me as she
mounted the stairs. “I was being spied upon all the time – it was terrible. I spent two weeks trying to persuade Madame Albert till she finally agreed. And you, you, Ivan Petrovich, didn’t come to see me even once! I couldn’t write to you either, nor did I feel like it, because you can’t explain anything in a letter! But I needed to see you so badly… Goodness me, how my heart is beating…”

  “The stairs are steep,” I replied.

  “Well yes… the stairs too… but, what do you think – is Natasha going to be cross with me?”

  “No, why should she be?”

  “Yes… indeed, why should she? I’ll see for myself presently. I shouldn’t have asked…”

  I supported her under her arm. She had actually gone pale and seemed to be a bundle of nerves. She stopped on the last landing to catch her breath, but glanced at me and went ahead resolutely.

  She stopped once more at the door and whispered to me, “I’ll just simply walk in and say that I had so much faith in her that I came without any qualms… but, no matter, why am I saying this? I’m sure Natasha is the nicest person imaginable. Wouldn’t you say?”

  She entered hesitantly, as though guilt-ridden, and looked Natasha full in the face, who immediately smiled at her. Katya then approached her quickly, seized her hands and pressed her rosebud lips to Natasha’s. Then, still not having said a word to Natasha, she turned to Alyosha with a serious, almost stern air and asked him to leave us for half an hour.

  “Don’t be cross, Alyosha,” she added, “it’s because I’ve lots of important and serious matters to discuss with Natasha that are not for your ears. Be a darling and go away. But you, Ivan Petrovich, please stay behind. You must hear all we have to say to each other.”

  “Let’s sit down,” she said to Natasha after Alyosha had left, “I’ll sit like this, facing you. I want to have a look at you first.”

  She sat down almost opposite Natasha and for a few seconds looked at her intently. Natasha responded with an involuntary smile.

  “I’ve seen your photograph,” Katya said. “Alyosha showed it to me.”

  “Well, is it a good likeness?”

  “You are prettier,” Katya replied decisively and firmly. “I thought you would be anyway.”

  “You flatter me. But I was admiring you. How pretty you are!”

  “Don’t! It’s not true!… My dearest Natasha!” she added, placing a trembling hand on Natasha’s, and both fell silent, looking deep into each other’s eyes. “Listen, my angel,” Katya broke the silence, “we have only half an hour together. It was as much as Madame Albert would agree to, and we’ve so much to talk about… I want to… I must… well I’ll just go ahead and ask – do you love Alyosha a lot?”

  “Yes, a lot.”

  “And if so… if you love Alyosha a lot… then… you must have his happiness at heart too…” she added meekly and in a whisper.

  “Yes, I do want him to be happy…”

  “I’m sure… but the question is this – would I make him happy? Do I have the right to speak like this, seeing as I’m taking him away from you? If you believe, and should we agree that he’s more likely to be happy with you, then… then…”

  “That has already been settled, my dear Katya, you know very well, it has,” Natasha replied softly and bowed her head. It was evident she found it difficult to continue the conversation.

  It seemed Katya was prepared for a lengthy discussion as to who was best suited to make Alyosha happy and which one of them would have to give him up. But after Natasha’s reply, she immediately realized that everything had been settled long ago and there was nothing more to talk about. Her delectable lips parted slightly, she regarded Natasha with sorrow and dismay, still not letting go of her hand.

  “And do you love him very much?” Natasha asked suddenly.

  “Yes. And there’s another thing I wanted to ask, and I came specifically with that in mind – why precisely do you love him?”

  “I don’t know, I’m sure,” Natasha replied with a note of bitter impatience in her voice.

  “Would you say he’s clever?” Katya asked.

  “No, I just simply love him for what he is.”

  “Me too. I suppose I feel sorry for him in a way.”

  “So do I,” Natasha replied.

  “What’s to be done with him now? And I just can’t understand how he could abandon you for me!” Katya exclaimed. “I mean, now that I’ve seen you, I can’t understand!”

  Natasha did not respond and kept looking at the ground. Katya paused a little and suddenly, getting up from her chair, embraced her in silence. With their arms around each other, both began to cry. Katya sat down on the armrest of Natasha’s chair and, without releasing her from her embrace, began to kiss Natasha’s hands.

  “If you only knew how much I love you!” she said through tears. “Let’s be sisters, let’s always write to each other… and I shall never stop loving you… I shall love you so much, so much…”

  “Did he mention to you our wedding in June?” Natasha asked.

  “He did. He said you had agreed. But surely that wasn’t serious, it was all just to keep him happy, wasn’t it?”

  “Of course.”

  “That’s what I thought. I shall love him very much, Natasha, and shall write to you about everything. I think he will soon be my husband – everything’s pointing that way. And all the rest of them keep saying so too. My darling Natasha, surely you’ll now… go back to your parents, won’t you?”

  Natasha did not reply, but gave her a big kiss in silence.

  “Good luck to you both!” she said.

  “And… to you… to you too,” she brought out.

  At that moment the door opened and Alyosha walked in. He had been unable to stay away the full half hour and, seeing both in each other’s arms and crying, he fell to his knees in front of Natasha and Katya, unnerved and distressed.

  “Why are you crying?” Natasha asked him. “Because we’re parting? It’s not going to be for long? You’ll be back in June, won’t you?”

  “And that’s when your wedding will be too,” Katya hastened to add through tears to console him.

  “But I can’t, I can’t leave you not even for a day, Natasha. I’ll die without you… you’ve no idea how precious you are to me now! Especially now!…”

  “Well, this is what you must do then,” Natasha said with sudden animation, “the Countess is going to stay a while in Moscow, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, almost a week,” Katya interposed.

  “A week! What could be better? You’ll see them as far as Moscow tomorrow – that’ll only take a day – and then you can come back here immediately. When the time comes for them to depart from Moscow, we shall say our goodbyes for the coming month, and you will return to Moscow to join them.”

  “That’s right, that’s right… That way you’ll have at least an extra four days together,” Katya exclaimed, delighted, as she exchanged a meaningful glance with Natasha.

  I can hardly describe Alyosha’s exultation on hearing this new proposal. His mind was suddenly put completely at rest; his face glowed with joy, he clasped Natasha in his arms, kissed Katya’s hands and hugged me. Natasha regarded him with a sorrowful smile, but Katya was unable to contain herself. She cast me a fervent, gleaming look, embraced Natasha and rose to leave. Just at that moment Madame Albert sent her manservant with the message that the rendezvous should urgently be brought to a close, since the half-hour agreed upon had already expired.

  Natasha rose. They both stood facing each other, holding hands and as though straining to convey in their expressions everything that had accumulated in their hearts.

  “You realize we’ll never see each other again,” Katya said.

  “Never, Katya,” Natasha replied.

  “Well then, let’s say goodbye.” They embraced.

 
“Spare a kind thought for me,” Katya whispered hurriedly. “And I… always… rest assured… he will be happy… Let’s go, see me out, Alyosha!” she said hurriedly, clutching his hand.

  “Vanya!” Natasha said, agitated and exhausted, after they had left. “You go after them too and… don’t come back. Alyosha will stay with me till evening, till eight o’clock. He won’t be able to stay longer and he’ll leave. I’ll be on my own… Come back about nine. Please!”

  When, at nine o’clock, having left Nelly with Alexandra Semyonovna (after the incident with the broken cup), I came to Natasha’s, she was already alone and waiting for me anxiously. Mavra brought the samovar in. Natasha poured me some tea, sat down on the sofa and asked me to move up closer to her.

  “There, it’s all over now,” she said, glancing at me intently. I shall never forget that look in her eyes.

  “That’s the end of our love. Half a year together! But now a lifetime apart,” she added, squeezing my hand. Her hand was burning. I tried to persuade her to put something warm on and go to bed.

  “I will, Vanya, I will, my dear friend. Let me just talk and reminisce a little… I feel completely shattered now… Tomorrow I’m seeing him for the last time, at ten… for the very last!”

  “Natasha, you’re not well, you’ll be shivering soon. Take care of yourself…”

  “What was that? I waited for you, Vanya, that half an hour after he left, and what would you say I was thinking about, what was I asking myself? I was asking whether I loved him or not, and what precisely was this love of ours? Do you find it funny, Vanya, that it’s only now I should ask myself that?”