Humiliated and Insulted

by Fyodor Dostoevsky

  “Don’t upset yourself, Natasha…”

  “You see, Vanya, I realized I didn’t love him as an equal, the way a woman usually loves a man. I loved him as a… almost as a mother. It even seems to me there’s no such love in this world where both would love each other in equal measure, eh? What do you think?”

  I was looking at her anxiously, afraid that she might be developing a brain fever. It was as if she were under some compulsion; she felt some strong urge to speak. Some of her words seemed disjointed, and at times even slurred. I was full of misgivings for her.

  “He was mine,” she continued. “Almost from the first time we met I had an uncontrollable desire that he should be mine, mine as soon as possible, and that he should not look at anyone, not associate with anyone except me, only me… Katya put it very well just now – I loved him precisely as though I could never stop feeling sorry for him for some reason… When I was on my own I had an uncontrollable need, bordering on an obsession, for him to be always and for ever deliriously happy. I only have to look at him (you know the expression on his face, Vanya), and I swoon. No one else has quite such an expression, and when he laughs, I get a tingling down my spine… Honestly!…”

  “Natasha, listen—”

  “People say,” she interrupted me, “incidentally, you too said it, that he has no character and… and when it comes to it, he’s no better than a child. Well, that’s precisely what I loved most about him… would you believe it? To be sure, I don’t know whether that’s the only thing I loved him for. I loved him as he was, and had he been at all different – either in character or in intelligence, perhaps I wouldn’t have loved him so. You know, Vanya, I’ll let you into a secret. You remember, the two of us had a quarrel three months ago when he went to see that, what was her name, that Minna… I found out about it, I made enquiries and was terribly hurt, but at the same time I rather enjoyed it… I don’t know why… the very thought that he too, like a proper gentleman in the company of other such proper gentlemen, calls on the ladies of the town, on his Minna! I… You’ve no idea how delightful that quarrel was for me! And then to forgive him for it… oh my darling!”

  She looked me full in the face and laughed – an odd kind of laugh. Then she seemed to fall into a reverie, as though still reminiscing, and spent a good while yet sitting thus with a smile on her lips, turning the past over in her mind.

  “I loved forgiving him, Vanya, dreadfully,” she continued. “You know, whenever he used to leave me on my own, I used to pace up and down the room, heartbroken, crying my eyes out, but thinking to myself all the same – the guiltier he is before me the better, really… yes! And you know, I always pictured him as a small boy – his head resting in my lap, asleep, and I’d be stroking his head softly, lovingly… I always thought of him that way, whenever he wasn’t with me… Listen, Vanya,” she added suddenly, “isn’t Katya a real darling!”

  I had a feeling she was deliberately rubbing salt into her wound out of a compulsion of some kind – a compulsive yearning for despair, for suffering… And so it is often with a heart that has suffered too great a loss!

  “Katya, I think, can make him happy,” she continued. “She’s plucky and talks with such conviction, and when they’re together she’s so serious, so imposing – never a frivolous word, like a grand lady. But in fact, in actual fact – she’s just a child! Sweet, sweet girl! Oh! Let them be happy! Let them, let them, let them!…”

  Heartrending sobs shook her whole frame. For the next half-hour she was unable to control herself or calm down in any way.

  Dearest angel Natasha! Even that same night, despite her own grief, she was nevertheless able to sympathize with me too when I, hoping to take her mind off things and on seeing that she had calmed down somewhat or rather grown more tired, told her about Nelly… We parted that night very late; I waited till she had fallen asleep and, as I was leaving, asked Mavra to sit up with her sick mistress the whole night.

  “Oh, if only these troubles would come to an end soon!” I groaned as I made my way home. “Somehow, anyhow, I just can’t wait to see the back of them!”

  The next morning at ten sharp I was already back at her place. Alyosha arrived at the same time… to say goodbye. I don’t want to dwell on that scene, I don’t want to recall it. Natasha appeared determined to put a brave face on it – to appear more cheerful, indifferent – but could not. She clasped her arms around Alyosha tightly, fitfully; not saying much, but fixing him with a long, intense, tortured and somewhat wild stare. She hung eagerly on his every word and apparently did not understand a thing he said. I remember he asked to be forgiven, forgiven for this love and for all the hurtful things he had ever done to her – his infidelities, his love for Katya, his departure… He rambled, tears were choking him. Sometimes he attempted to comfort her, he said he was going away only for a month or five weeks at the most, that he’d be back in summer for their wedding, to which his father would give his consent, and finally, and most importantly, that he’d be back from Moscow the day after next and they’d then have a whole four days all to themselves, and that consequently they were now parting for one day only…

  Funnily enough he was quite convinced that he was telling the truth and that he would definitely be back from Moscow the day after next… Why then did he cry so much and take it all so badly?

  At last eleven o’clock struck. I barely managed to persuade him to go. The Moscow train departed at twelve sharp. There was only one hour left. Natasha herself told me later that she did not remember how she brought herself to look at him for the last time. I remember she made the sign of the cross over him, kissed him and, burying her face in her hands, rushed back into her room. I had to escort Alyosha all the way to his conveyance, otherwise he would have returned never to come downstairs again.

  “All my hopes are on you,” he said as we were descending the steps. “Vanya, my friend! I’m guilty before you and I’ve never been able to deserve your friendship, but be a brother to me to the end – take good care of her, don’t abandon her, write to me about everything in as much detail and in as close a hand as possible to fit everything in. I’m back again the day after tomorrow definitely, definitely! But later, after I’m gone, be sure to write!”

  I helped him into the droshky.

  “Till the day after tomorrow!” he called out to me as he drove off. “Definitely!”

  I went back up to Natasha with a sinking heart. She was standing in the middle of the room, her arms folded, and glanced at me in puzzlement, as though without recognition. Her hair had somehow slid to one side; her eyes were vacant and unsteady. Mavra, who looked distraught, was standing in the doorway, gazing at her in alarm.

  Suddenly Natasha’s eyes flashed.

  “Ah! Is that you! You!” she shouted at me. “It’s only you that’s left now. You hated him! You never could forgive him that I had fallen in love with him… Look at you now back with me again! What do you want? Have you come to comfort me again, to persuade me to go back to my father who’s abandoned and cursed me? I could tell this yesterday, two months ago!… I don’t want to, I don’t! I curse them myself!… Get out, I can’t bear to look at you! Go on, get out!”

  I could see she was beside herself and that the very sight of me made her mad with anger, which was only natural, I realized, and decided to withdraw. I sat down on the top stair outside and – waited. From time to time, I would get up, open the door and call Mavra over to question her; Mavra was crying.

  An hour and a half or so passed. I cannot depict what I went

  through in that time. My heart was convulsing with unimaginable pain. Suddenly the door opened, and Natasha ran out onto the stairs with her cloak and hat on. She seemed hardly aware of what she was doing and afterwards told me herself that she could barely remember it, and had no idea where she was heading or why.

  I had no time to jump up and hide before she spotted me and stopped dead in
her tracks. “I suddenly realized,” she told me subsequently, “that in my insanity and cruelty, I had actually driven you away, you, my friend, my brother and my saviour! And as soon as I saw you, my poor darling, whom I had insulted, sitting on the stairs, waiting for me to call you back again – God! – if only you knew, Vanya, what I went through then! It was like a stab to the heart…”

  “Vanya! Vanya!” she cried out, holding out her arms to me. “You’re here!…” and she fell in my embrace.

  I caught her in my arms and took her into the room. She had fainted. “What’s to be done?” I thought. “She’s going to have a brain fever, that’s certain!”

  I decided to run for the doctor; the illness had to be checked. A cab would soon get me there; usually the old German stayed in till two. I hurried to him, begging Mavra not to let Natasha out of her sight even for a minute, and not to allow her to go out. I was lucky. A little later, and I would have missed the old gentleman altogether. I met him in the street as he was leaving the house. In a trice I bundled him into my cab before he had time to express his surprise, and we hurried back to Natasha’s.

  Yes, fortune favoured me! During the half-hour that I was away, something had happened to Natasha that could have been the death of her, had the doctor and I not arrived in the very nick of time. Not a quarter of an hour after I had left, the Prince turned up. He had just seen his folks off and had come to Natasha’s straight from the station. This visit had probably been decided upon and planned by him a long time before. Later Natasha told me that in the initial moments she did not even feel surprised to see him. “I had lost my mind,” she said.

  The Prince sat down opposite her, looking at her with a tender, compassionate gaze.

  “My dear,” he said with a sigh, “I can understand your grief. I knew how difficult this moment would be for you, and I therefore made it my duty to visit you. Be comforted, if you can, at least by the knowledge that, in giving up Alyosha, you have secured his happiness. But you understand all this better than I, because you have made a noble sacrifice…”

  “I just sat and listened,” Natasha told me, “but at first I honestly couldn’t quite make out what he was saying. All I remember is just sitting and staring at him. He took my hand and began to press it in his. He seemed to enjoy this very much. As for me, I was so confused that I never even thought of pulling my hand away.

  “You realized,” he continued, “that, had you become Alyosha’s wife, you might have subsequently turned into an object of hatred for him, and you managed to muster sufficient personal pride to recognize this, and resolved to… but – look, I haven’t really come here to praise you. I merely wished to tell you that you’ll never find yourself anywhere a truer friend than me. I feel for you and pity you. I played an involuntary part in all this matter, but – I was only doing my duty. Your generous heart will appreciate this and come to terms with mine… And for me it has been harder than for you, believe me!”

  “That’s enough, Prince,” Natasha said. “Leave me in peace.”

  “Certainly, I shall leave you soon enough,” he replied, “but I love you as my daughter, and you must allow me to call on you. Regard me now as your father and let me be of assistance to you.—”

  “There’s nothing I need. Leave me alone,” Natasha interrupted him again.

  “I know you are proud… But I’m speaking sincerely, from the heart. What do you intend to do now? Make peace with your parents? That would be a good thing on the face of it, but your father’s unjust, arrogant and a despot. Forgive me, but that is so. At home you’d only meet with reproaches and new hardships… However, you must have your independence, and it is my responsibility, my sacred duty to care for you now and to help you. Alyosha implored me not to abandon you and to be your friend. But there are people other than myself who are deeply devoted to you. You will, I hope, allow me to introduce you to Count N. He is truly a kind-hearted person, a kinsman, and one could say a benefactor of the whole of our family. He has done a lot for Alyosha. Alyosha respects him very much and is devoted to him. He is a man who wields a great deal of power and is highly influential, a venerable gentleman, and it would be quite fitting for a young lady like yourself to receive him. I have mentioned you to him already. He could take care of you and, if you wished it, settle you very advantageously… with one of his female relatives. I’ve already given him an honest and frank account of our affair quite some time ago, and he was so carried away by his noble and worthy sentiments that he himself has been trying to persuade me to introduce him to you as soon as possible… He is a man with a keen perception of all that is wonderful, believe me – a generous old gentleman who knows where merit is due and who even quite recently manifested exceptional gallantry in dealing with an indiscretion of your father’s.”

  Natasha sat up as though stung to the quick. She no longer had any illusions about him.

  “Leave me, leave me at once!” she shouted.

  “But, my dear, you are forgetting – the Count may be of assistance to your father too—”

  “My father will accept nothing from you. Will you leave me alone!” Natasha cried out again.

  “Heavens, how impetuous and mistrustful of you! Totally unwarranted, I’m sure,” the Prince said, looking around somewhat anxiously. “In any case you will allow me,” he continued, producing a large envelope from his pocket, “you will permit me to leave you this token of my concern for you, and especially the Count’s concern, whose counsel has been my inspiration. This envelope contains ten thousand roubles. Hold on, my dear,” he interposed, on seeing that Natasha had risen to her feet furiously, “hear me out patiently – you know your father lost the lawsuit against me, and this ten thousand roubles will serve as a recompense, which—”

  “Get out,” Natasha cried, “take your money and get out! I can see what you’re up to… you despicable, utterly despicable, despicable man!”

  The Prince rose from his seat, pale with anger.

  He had very likely come in order to sound out the situation, to reconnoitre, and evidently set great store by the effect this ten thousand roubles would have on the impoverished and utterly forlorn Natasha… Base and vulgar, he had more than once rendered the lascivious old Count favours of this kind. But he also detested Natasha and, realizing that his move had gone awry, he immediately changed tack and with malicious glee hastened to insult Natasha, so as at least to have something to show for his troubles.

  “Well now, it is highly unfortunate, my dear, that you are so impetuous,” he said with a slight tremor in his voice occasioned by the impatient longing to savour as soon as possible the effect of his insult, “this really is unfortunate. I am offering you protection, and all you can do is turn your little nose up… Whereas it would have behoved you to be grateful to me. As the father of a young man whom you’ve been corrupting and fleecing, I could have put you in a penitentiary long ago, but I have not, have I?… Hehehe!”

  But by then we were already on our way up. Hearing voices as we passed through the kitchen, I stopped the doctor for a second and just caught the Prince’s last words. Then came his revolting chuckle, followed by Natasha’s cry of desperation, “Oh my God!” At the same moment I threw the door open and pounced upon the Prince.

  I spat in his face and slapped it with all my strength. He was about to retaliate but, seeing that there were two of us, took to his heels, first snatching the envelope with the money from the table. Yes, he did that; I saw it myself. I threw a rolling pin after him which I had picked up from the kitchen table… When I returned to the room, I saw the doctor trying to hold down Natasha, who was lashing out and struggling in his arms as in a fit. It took us a long time to calm her down. Finally we managed to put her to bed; she was in a state of nervous delirium.

  “Doctor! What’s the matter with her?” I asked, numb with fear.

  “Wait,” he replied, “we must first observe the symptoms and then reac
h a conclusion… but, to tell the truth, things do not look good. It can even end in brain fever… However, we shall take measures…”

  But I already had a new idea. I persuaded the doctor to stay with Natasha another two or three hours and extracted a promise from him not to leave her even for a minute. He gave me his word, and I rushed home.

  Nelly was sitting in a corner, cheerless and agitated, and casting strange glances at me. I must have looked strange myself.

  I picked her up in my arms, sat down on the settee, put her on my knees and gave her a warm kiss. She flushed.

  “Nelly, my angel!” I said. “Do you want to come to our rescue? Do you want to save us all?”

  She looked at me in consternation.

  “Nelly! All hope is now on you! There is a father – you’ve seen him and you know him. He cursed his daughter and came yesterday to ask you to take his daughter’s place. Now Natasha (and you did say you loved her!) has been deserted by the one man whom she loved and for whose sake she left her father. He is the son of that Prince, remember, who came here one evening and found you on your own, and you ran away from him and were ill afterwards… You know him, don’t you? He is an evil man!”

  “I know,” Nelly replied with a shudder and went pale.

  “Yes, he is evil. He hates Natasha because his son, Alyosha, wanted to marry her. Today Alyosha went away, and an hour later his father was already at her place, where he insulted her, threatened to put her in a penitentiary and mocked her. Do you understand me, Nelly?”

  Her dark eyes flashed, but she lowered them at once.

  “I understand,” she whispered barely audibly.

  “Now Natasha is on her own, and ill. I left her with our doctor and hurried to see you. Listen, Nelly, let’s go to Natasha’s father. You don’t like him, you didn’t want to go to him, but now let’s go together. We shall go in and I’ll say that you want to be with them and take the place of their daughter, take the place of Natasha. Her father is ill now, because he has cursed Natasha and because Alyosha’s father insulted him mortally the other day. He won’t even hear anything about his daughter now, but he loves her, he does, Nelly, and he wants to be friends with her. I know it, I know everything! That is so!… Do you hear me, Nelly?”